TTRSage
Deinonychus
Joined: Aug 31, 2010
Posts: 360
Location: Atlanta, GA, alone in my Aspie cubbyhole
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 Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 2:07 pm Post subject: I Need Help |
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Can anybody tell me what, if any, options are available for older gay Aspies in a metro area like Atlanta?
I am 61 years old, totally alone aside from my mom and sister, have zero friends, have not had sex in 14 years and no friends at all in 18 years, I am taunted and tormented about it where I live and have been trying without luck to reach out to someone for help. Last summer I contacted a local autism center that has a very good program that matches autistics with volunteers to give us an opportunity to have at a least one friend to talk to and do things with from time to time. This was exactly what I needed but they denied me access to this program presumably because I am gay. They wanted instead to drug me out of existence. Another nearby autism center has no services for adults.
So two months later, I tried the gay community and went to talk with the pastor of a nearby MCC. Churches are not really my cup of tea (long story) but I thought I might at least be able to find some compassion and understanding there. The guy I spoke with was very busy preparing for his daughter's wedding and suggested that I come back at a later time. However he did make one remark that seemed to treat me as a child in a condescending manner since I am Aspie and that discouraged me from contacting him again anytime soon. I finally sent him a short email two weeks ago, but he never did reply. I wrote up all that i wanted to say (20+ pages worth) to get around my conversation difficulties and would like for him to read it because I think may clear up any misconceptions that he may have. But if he has already made up his mind about me without really hearing what I want to say, then all is lost before I even begin. I plan to go visit in person again next week, but am already thinking ahead in case that fails. I need a simple friend and I am hoping that he can help me to find someone to talk to me one on one occasionally and introduce me to one or two people who might get along with me. As we all know, Aspies do not fare very well in group settings such as one might find in church groups. The MCC (at least this one in particular) has some kind of policy of non-involvment so as to not become part of the problem but what I need is someone who gives a damn enough to get involved to help me where I cannot help myself.
Hopefully he will listen to me this time, but if not I need to think of something else because right now I am out of options, alone and need a friend badly. Does anybody here have any ideas? I have much more to say about this and can post the contents of my story (elsewhere of course) for those who wish to read it, but right now I am preparing to go out of town for Mother's day and have no time to do so. I wanted to go ahead and get this post done though so that people might be able to respond while I am gone. Maybe somebody has an idea that I have completely overlooked. I will be back again late on Monday. |
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AdamAutistic
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 02, 2012
Posts: 138
Location: Rhode Island
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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| hello. i could be your friend. i do not understand stuff very well couse low-functioning classic autism. i cannot offer much advice but i can listen (or read rather. im terrible at listening to words.) |
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Aharon
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 27, 2011
Posts: 632
Location: Kansas
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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I am not gay, but I don't think sexual orientation is the issue here. You are clearly starved for human companionship on all levels. Perhaps it's too much to ask one person to help with all of them. I would suggest working on this in 3 stages; socializing, friendship, and intimate relationships.
Start with assessing your proficiency in each area. Then work on basic socializing, such as being friendly with the cashier or light conversation with someone in a social engagement. Many members here have posted some good books on the subject.
Next, work on friendships; sharing a common interest with people in the form of an activity (aka, shoulder to shoulder activities) is a great way to start. Note: at this point the fact you're gay is irrelevant. The goal at this stage is pursuing and mantaining platonic friendships. Leave sex out of it.
When you've mastered these well enough that you feel you can sustain an intimate relationship, you can take your newly mastered skills and begin questing for a date. If you're not interested in the first two stages and want to skip directly to third base, I would caution against that.
Granted, this approach will take time and effort, but there's no shake n bake solution, only practice, patience, and perseverance. Good luck.
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If aliens come to get me, it won't be an abduction, but a rescue operation. |
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 27, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 4890
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not gay myself. I certainly think lesbian and gay persons should have the same rights as anyone else, including the right to marry according to each person's own free choice. 
I have engaged in peace activism, which at times has been pretty disappointing, the groups as hierarchical as anything else, fellow members tend to shy away from people who are different, the leaders tend not to be good at delegating and do not welcome fresh energy.
I still have hopes for activism. And it can be both direct, so for you both LGBT activism and Asperger's-Autism Spectrum activism, and also oblique, diagonal activism. Say for example, a group working to help low-income people and give them more open fields. Well, you know what it's like to be excluded. You might be able to make some contributions here that genuinely help people. No guarantee it will advance to friendship with co-workers but perhaps the initial stages of friendly acquaintance. The following skills have helped me:
Being open to reciprocate if someone is open and friendly to me.
Being open to appreciate other people (which is different than trying to make myself appreciate).
The idea of letting a medium mistake merely remain a medium mistake.
Just accepting that I have patchy social skills, good in some areas, not so good in others, and so be it.
A conscious decision to turn down my internal censor, which I think probably everyone has, both those of us on the spectrum and persons who are 'normal' (no such thing as 'normal' anyway and how boring the world would be if there was!  ) so that my default setting is that it probably is okay to go ahead and say it anyway, unless it clearly jumps out at me as inappropriate.
Recognizing that a lot of people have really busy lives and are just not looking for new friends. I think they're potentially missing out, but so be it.
And probably other skills which other people know about.
You know, at one time I thought the average was that only 1 out of 9 groups really worked out. It may not be that bad. I kind of had in mind resume-padding college groups when I came up with this.
I'm going to include a link to ASAN http://autisticadvocacy.org/ . But I don't think they have any chapters yet in the American south.
I think Spectrum Rights are probably a couple of years ahead in the UK from where they currently are here in the U.S., but we probably both have things we can learn from each other. |
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jatok2013
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 02, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 43
Location: San Francisco, California, USA
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 2:47 pm Post subject: I Need Help |
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I don't know anything about Atlanta, but I'd start going to gay bars. I know in San Francisco they have a lot of events worth attending. I would probably be your chaser if you were in my area. I dated a guy who was 67 and he treated me well, but I lacked the sexual ability he wanted. I'm not really sure how to make friends that don't turn into a sexual relationships, but I'd start at bars. San Francisco has a very wide range of events and hot spots where gays hang out that finding people isn't hard here. I'm sure Atlanta has similar but smaller events.
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We shall unite or we shall fall. |
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TTRSage
Deinonychus
Joined: Aug 31, 2010
Posts: 360
Location: Atlanta, GA, alone in my Aspie cubbyhole
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| Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 11:03 pm Post subject: Re: I Need Help |
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| jatok2013 wrote: | | I don't know anything about Atlanta, but I'd start going to gay bars. |
Good God!!! The absolute worst place that any Aspie could ever go to... especially one who is 61 years old. Are you sure you are an Aspie?? Except for my first time in a gay bar in 1972, they are the absolute worst torture I have ever experienced. Its an excellent way to encounter the worst of the worst of people… people who are interested in sex only (or depriving you of sex) and not in getting to know people as friends… people who run off with anybody else while ignoring or teasing you. Its a lousy way to make real friends. Its an environment full of competition, head games, insincerity, distrust and humiliation, none of which fit very well with Aspie nature. Last time I went to a gay bar was in 1985 in Melbourne, FL... and got my apartment burglarized and truck stolen as a result... Then the clown who stole it actually brought the truck back after carrying the loot 50 miles (Orlando probably)… as well as stopping to take a dump in my toilet while he was burglarizing the place and I was asleep. I knew who did it but didn't know his name to be able to tell the cops. Looking back on it, it was actually kind of funny.
I've been meaning to come back to this post and reply to your replies, but haven't gotten around to it yet... someday. |
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visagrunt
Polymath
Joined: Oct 17, 2009
Age: 45
Posts: 5754
Location: Vancouver, BC
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 12:46 pm Post subject: |
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My advice would be to start with the things that you enjoy, and look to find a group of like minded people doing the same thing.
Look around at community centres for hobby courses in fields that interest you. Broaden your horizons, find a few new skills and perhaps meet some friends (of any sex and sexual orientation). If you focus on getting out the house to do things that you like (or that you might like) you will, at least, have an opportunity to socialize within that context. From that start, you may well find yourself in the position to acquire friends--or at a minimum fellow hobbyists.
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--James |
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