Joined: Sep 03, 2009 Posts: 2099 Location: Fairfax, VA
Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 9:03 am Post subject: Is being NORMAL better?
Anyone only child? I am. Do any of you have siblings who don't have autism or aspergers? Do you envy that and wish you are normal? Do you fear that your parents love your non disabled siblings more than you?
Here is what someone said about this in another forum I belong to
Unfortunately, Anna, parents are less than perfect and sometimes do a crappy job of showing their children how much they care. I have 3 sons, including one who is autistic and very disabled, and one who is probably Asperger's but is a happily married physics prodigy (who got perfect SATs at 14). Their father (my ex) is not a bad person, and I have no doubt that he loves them all, but he showed such a preference for the one with no issues that it provoked some very significant problems for the prodigy-kid. The autistic son lives in a group home an hour and a half from me and maybe 15 minutes from his dad, and spends one weekend a month with me and his step-father and we go on vacation for a week every summer. The ex has not bothered to see the autistic kid in 6 years, but if you called him out on it he would probably would insist that he treats them equally - and he has absolutely no idea how much he has missed by not being closer to our kids. All of the happiest times of my life have included my kids. Many parents live vicariously through their children in one way or another, whether it is expecting the kids to be champions or producers of grandkiddies. But that is your parents' shortcoming, not yours. I imagine that your parents care a lot more than they are able to convey, and if not - shame on them! They are cheating themselves as much as you.
I don't have siblings, but often believed since I was little that my cousins on mom's and dad's side are happier, more successful and just better than me. I want to be as good as them. I want to be able to socialize like they can. I have a lot of cousins on mom's side and some are few years younger than me but most are older than me and some have children of their own. Some still live in Korea and some live in Seattle. I don't like going to Seattle because when I see my cousins communicating amongst others I get sad and have flashbacks of my teen years.
I'm in a horrible situation right now and I can't move out and find my own place. Cost of living in No VA is very high. Currently, and I hope not for long, I have a cousin from Korea going to a nearby Catholic school. Her English is very good because her elementary school had a lot of teachers from the US and Canada. She's 12. So this is the first time ever I have had a relative live with us on a daily basis. I have had my own bathroom for instance since I was 8. We have had relatives stay with us for a week or two, but this is different. It's quite annoying to me because I fear that parents love her more than me. I never had to compete or worry about siblings being better than me at home since it was just me. I liked having my own bathroom so that it doesn't get messy. Jenny is very messy so I clean my bathroom once a week. She is sleeping in what I call grandma's room because that's the room that my grandma uses. It's just that having this kid here means that my parents and I can't travel in the fall like we like. I hate summer because of the heat and too many kids are traveling. I think though her dad is paying my parents money per month. But there are no kids her age living with me. I was thinking that Seattle be better because I have cousins Jenny's age. When I was her age I thought people in their 60s were old. I don't particular care for this age group. Then she whistles a lot which is so damn annoying! But the majority of the issue is the fear that my parents love her more than me. Is it possible??? At least Jenny goes back for the summers back to Korea. She leaves June 11 but unfortunately the ugly kid comes back Aug 24.
I guess having teachers call me dumb made my life miserable. I just happened to find out about my aspergers 3 years ago. I'm out of college. I wonder though for those of you still in your teens do you get treated well by teachers at your junior high/high school? Or are there still some issues? _________________ In memory of my beloved best friend in the whole world, my West Highland White Terrier, Timmy (Nov 24 2004-Sep 5 2011)
Anna
Last edited by luvsterriers on Tue May 22, 2012 12:17 pm; edited 3 times in total
Joined: Apr 23, 2012 Age: 27 Posts: 1396 Location: UK
Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 9:19 am Post subject: Re: Is being NORMAL better?
luvsterriers wrote:
Anyone only child? I am. Do any of you have siblings who don't have autism or aspergers? Do you envy that and wish you are normal? Do you fear that your parents love your non disabled siblings more than you?
I have one younger sister who is 'normal'. I don't envy her, but sometimes I envy her capabilities - for example she has just come back from a holiday abroad, which I know I could never cope with. I feel a bit as if she has overtaken me in life; she will have many more experiences than I will.
To her credit, my Mum has never once said or done anything to make me feel as if she loved my sister more than me. She says the most important thing to her is that we are both good people - she doesn't ask anything more than that. I don't know if my Dad loves my sister more, but I think he has pinned his hopes on her, rather than me. This is actually a relief for me, and a burden for my sister.
Joined: May 25, 2011 Posts: 196 Location: Netherlands
Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 10:14 am Post subject:
I have 3 siblings, they have no aspie traits so are presumed NT.
I envy my older brother who owns and runs what has become a large profitable company. He has the ability to negotiate tough deals, get business relations, get good suppliers, manage people.
After he made $$$ tens of millions, my mother turned to me and said "and what are you going to do?"
With me, I can only go so far up the ladder in the corporate world. Once I start dealing with people more than dealing with numbers then I usually retreat.
Joined: Jan 07, 2011 Age: 23 Posts: 14828 Location: Somewhere in Colorado
Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 10:21 am Post subject:
I have siblings, but I don't know that any of them are necessarily 'normal'. _________________ It's like alice in wonderland except, my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream.
CockneyRebel Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004 Age: 38 Posts: 87185 Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 11:44 am Post subject:
I have a younger sister who's 'normal'. I don't envy her one bit. I feel that normality is overrated, anyways. There was a time that I was jealous of her, but I was 15 at the time. That was back in 1990. I've grown up a lot since than. _________________ The darling, unworldly Mick Avory with hands like shovels, who wouldn't dare choose to hurt a soul: I'm the cuddly, adorable Kink. Sweet Peas: http://s76.photobucket.com/albums/j37/Cocknee/Kinks/Sweet%20Pea%20Smileys/ Other: http://www.mybrowsercash.com/
Joined: Sep 23, 2011 Age: 59 Posts: 377 Location: Central Europe
Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 10:14 am Post subject:
I have a younger sister (aged 55) who is very NT and has done everything right in life, with a highly successful well-paid career involving managing large numbers of staff, as well as a nice house and a highly successful son who already flies jumbo jets worldwide in his mid-twenties. In contrast I have locked myself away in rooms reading foreign languages for 35 years, with no career to speak of and no family. Until I was diagnosed with aspergers I didn't notice that I might be in some way "inferior" to my sister, at least from an external point of view, so it always seemed very unjust that my father thought my sister was great and really successful and that I was a complete failure, because subjectively I thought I was fine as I was. For me I was just doing what seemed important to me and not what everybody expected. Now I realise that that was my aspergers affecting my thinking. So, to answer your question in the original post: Yes, my parents do see their NT offspring as better than their aspie offspring and value her more. And I suppose it is understandable and obvious that that should be so.
Joined: Sep 03, 2009 Posts: 2099 Location: Fairfax, VA
Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 12:57 pm Post subject:
If I didn't have aspergers I believe parents would love me so much. It kinda sucks when all I do is cry every single day. I hide it in at work. Therapists don't seem to work because after the session or an email I end up crying more. So these mental health professionals are just a waste of time and money personally for me. _________________ In memory of my beloved best friend in the whole world, my West Highland White Terrier, Timmy (Nov 24 2004-Sep 5 2011)
That's why I think hapiness is a social thing. We have a mental representation of people in our mind, which in fact does not directly depend of what real people are. Depending on this representation we can be happy or sad.
I grew up with a mentally ill father, and he sometimes told me he didn't love me. When he was older and taking medication, he said "you know that was the sickness and not me". He alienated everybody from work colleagues (when he worked) to his own mother due to being crazy. His mom cut him out of her will. Now he spends all his time watching old war movies on cable. I am an only child and all my cousins lived far away or weren't emotionally close.
Joined: Feb 07, 2005 Posts: 14832 Location: A beautiful vector among many
Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 2:20 pm Post subject:
I'm an only child also, and I've wondered in the past too what would have been different if I weren't an only child and had a sibling who was 'normal'. My best guess: my parents would have been broke and I have a feeling me and my brother/sister likely would have fought bitterly. I think back to how much of a mess I was for a large part of my childhood, think of how abrasive that would be to a sibling who's getting on fine or reasonably fine socially and yeah - that probably would not have worked out well.
Regarding parents being weird or preferring one child to another - human beings are weak. We're often given the impression that 'normals' have much more in them than we do, that they aren't quite as hampered; I don't think it works out quite like that. People end up being poor parents/weak parents and preferring one child to another or acting a bit like kids themselves due to having a low ceiling of limitations themselves, traumas or odd experiences that lead them to poor interpersonal or psychological habits; and as a kid, clearly - whether its parents, adult relatives, school administrators or teachers who have psychological hangups or problems, the old adage "sh** rolls downhill" is incredibly accurate.
As for comparing ourselves - expectation-wise - to NT siblings; we are what we are. Its a temptation to hold ourselves against other people as a measuring stick or touchstone for standards but its a habit of very limited use and its incredibly easy to take that too far.
Joined: Feb 11, 2007 Age: 30 Posts: 1598 Location: Lancaster, PA
Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 4:21 pm Post subject:
I have a younger brother who is NT and was pretty actively involved in his upbringing, since my parents both had assorted issues that affected their ability to parent effectively. We got along then and still do now. (I think we developed a sort of "we're in this together" mentality and it stuck).
I wasn't diagnosed with ASD until I was in my early 20's and had long-since moved out, so I can't say I was treated differently because of my 'condition' or anything like that because no one actually noticed it. In some ways, I think being treated as if I was 'normal' was over-rated because it meant I was expected to live up to expectations and responsibilities that placed a really unhealthy amount of stress on me.
She's two years younger than me.
She has many friends and she's very precocious.
When she's my age, she'll be in a much better position.
She's extremely popular and everyone loves her...except our parents. _________________ "I watched a change in you, It's like you never had wings, now you feel so alive"
I am what I am, an Aspie. And yes, I am proud of it. Define normal, anyway - autism is not the only way one would not be considered "normal". I know what you mean though, and if someone's "normal" people will respond to them in a different, more favourable way and there is much less chance of them ending up traumatised in their lives. In that regard, being normal would be better.
Well in fact people like to exclude one person, in order to send guilt over him. So if everyone was NT, same skin color, with dark hair, etc. there would still be reasons found to exclude someone. So I suppose it is more about avoiding to exclude people, whatever the reason that is presented.
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