Post 4660277 - (How do I stop caring about being an outcast???)

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How do I stop caring about being an outcast???

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Joe90
Phoenix
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Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8258
Location: Great Britain

Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 10:05 am Post subject: How do I stop caring about being an outcast???

I feel like an outcast among my cousins because they're all into dressing up and going out to bars with their friends, whereas I'm not. I don't see my cousins much any more (in fact, hardly ever now), but I still have to hear about it because my mum is close to her siblings and so they obviously talk about what their children are doing (they are grown up now but still only young), and I know I don't see my cousins on my dad's side because he's not so close to his siblings, but I still see on Facebook what they're upto (I don't like to delete my cousins). Also my mum used to dress up and go out to bars at night when she was young, and so did her siblings. Even my grandmother and her sisters did when they young too (her brother has mild Mental Retardation but it wouldn't surprise me if even he went out as a youngster because it seems that everybody did except me, regardless of their financial or emotional circumstances). I know dressing up and going to bars aren't my enjoyment, but for some reason I still feel depressed and ashamed that I don't do it. Maybe if I didn't have so many cousins around me who I know all enjoy doing it, I might not feel so bad. I think I have a fear of being different. But why was I born an Aspie then if I instinctively don't like standing out from my peers? I'm confused. _________________ Real gender: Female From: East UK Age: 23

Chris71
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: May 25, 2011
Posts: 196
Location: Netherlands

Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 11:00 am Post subject:

Quote:

Maybe if I didn't have so many cousins around me who I know all enjoy doing it, I might not feel so bad.

That might be the answer indeed.
Because you have relatives who like to go out to bars and dress-up, it shows they are doing it for fun and you regularly hear that they had a good time. So you are regularly being reminded about a pleasure that only they can enjoy, and you feel that you cannot enjoy it. That's a reason to be a bit depressed occasionally.

I'm sure many non-partying NTs also have simliar thoughts.

CrazyOldBat
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: Sep 14, 2011
Age: 60
Posts: 43

Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 1:15 pm Post subject:

Sounds like you had the kind of childhood that I had. I didn't get the "girlie" gene. I have always been ... embarrassed and revolted by all things cute and almost all things "lady-like." Mother Dearest (said with the deepest possible sarcasm) had extra doses of the girlie gene and ... well, you can guess how well we got along. I will say this, though. I am, alas, a crazy old bat now and I have observed repeatedly that of the hyper-social, girlie ... "popular kids" I've known, the ones who have really succeeded in this life are exactly zero. Being hyper-social/girlie/like-all-the-rest is an end, not a goal. It's good to have a goal. People carry on about how happy/popular they are, I've found (and yes, I am extremely jaded), for one of two reasons: either they are extremely insecure and need others to validate their position, or they are simply trying to emotionally wound you. Don't let them. Pick a goal in life and pursue it. Trust me, you will end up better off in the long run. -- "I don't suffer from Asperger's. I revel in it."

pezar
Phoenix
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Joined: Apr 06, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 1634

Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 2:13 pm Post subject:

Joe, I think at your age there's an intense desire to be liked and have a gf/bf. I had it too when I was 22. I think part of it is evolutionary-in one's teens and early/mid 20s is when most NT humans make friends, find a mate-and back when people only lived to 50 those relationships were intended to be lifelong. Humans were worn out and broken by 45, usually. A man married the first girl he fell in love with, and she was a brood mare, popping out kid after kid until she died. Having 15 kids per woman was the only way to ensure species survival, since only 5 lived. Friends made at 15 were for life, and in village/farm life people were forced to depend on each other, AND people rarely traveled more than 20 miles from their birthplaces during their lives. Our brains are still wired for that. Humans celebrate the most social among us. People didn't have to have "goals", you inherited your father's profession, and 90% of men were subsistence farmers, and 100% of women were housewives and brood mares. This lack of needing to decide what to do with your life freed people to be social. Our industrial civilization is only about 300 years old. Compared to the 10,000 years humans were farmers, and the 70,000 we were hunters and foragers, that's a very short time. There was no "playing the field" and "setting goals" for most of human history. You were locked into a life based on birth, and you scratched a living from the earth and had kids, then died at 50. I hope you can read this little lesson on evolution and understand that you feel the way you do because of evolution, and it's not your fault.

questor
Hermit
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Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone

Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 2:51 pm Post subject: Outcast

You never get happy about being out of step with the rest of the world, but you do eventually get used to it. I don't like dressing up or going to bars, so I don't do it, and therefore, it's not a problem. I'm not going to let others patterns of life dictate mine. Also, if all you are getting from Facebook is grief, then delete your account. I have never had one and don't want one. I keep in touch with people I want to have contact with by phone, email, and in person. You can also keep in touch by--GASP!--snail mail. You are also overlooking other ways to hang out with people. - Take courses, either in person, or online. Some of the online ones are free. The in person ones are a good way to meet people. - Volunteer. There are people worse off than we are, who would really appreciate the help. It's also a good way to meet people, and boost your self image and mood. - Take up a hobby or join a club. These are good ways to meet people who share your interests. - Get involved in community activities. Attend town meetings, events at local libraries and other local organizations. Attend local sporting events, fairs, and art shows. Attend and/or participate in local theater groups. These are all great ways to meet people and boost your self image and mood. - Employment/or self employment. Great way to meet people, boost self image, put money in your wallet, gain experience. Since you have been having trouble finding work as an employee, perhaps you should consider self employment. There are many types to choose from. >> Lawn mowing/yard work/gardening. >> House cleaning. >> Errand/shopping service. >> Wait for service people, so the home owner/renter doesn't have to take time off from work. >> House/pet sitting. >> House chores for the elderly/disabled. >> Handyman. >> Tutor. >> Computer maintenance/repair. >> Website design. >> Other website based businesses. >> Paint houses indoor/outdoor. There are many other self employment opportunities. Your local libraries will have books with lists and descriptions of them, so look into it. Now, go and do something, and good luck!

1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Phoenix

Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4610
Location: CT, USA

Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 3:06 pm Post subject:

Pick up an individual activity, whether it's mechanical, a sport, or whatever, and basically utterly engross yourself into it. You'll then be too busy doing stuff to care about what people on Facebook are doing. Another thing, too, you'll meet people who will be your friend or acquaintance usually, while pursuing such hobbies. Basically, you get your own world in that hobby, while the rest of everyone else's world is barhopping and whatnot. _________________ Too kawaii to live... Too sugoi to die!

AspieOtaku
Leader of the Otaku Legion
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Joined: Feb 18, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 5906
Location: Mountain View, California, United States

Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 3:31 am Post subject:

Just hang out with us I always feel like an outcast no matter where I go except for here where I am not considered as abnormal compared to 90% of the populous outside of the community. _________________ Your Aspie score is 193 of 200 Your neurotypical score is 40 of 200 You are very likely an aspie No matter where I go I will always be a Gaijin even at home. Like Anime? http://www.anime44.com/anime-list

edgewaters
hibernating
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Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario

Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:15 am Post subject: Re: How do I stop caring about being an outcast???

Joe90 wrote:

I know dressing up and going to bars aren't my enjoyment, but for some reason I still feel depressed and ashamed that I don't do it.

Not everyone goes to bars. There are huge numbers of people who never or rarely do.

Joe90
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8258
Location: Great Britain

Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 9:00 am Post subject:

I do help myself, but for some reason these isolation thoughts still don't go away. I am on job-seekers and so I am looking for work but nobody will employ me, although I do desperately want a job because I want to work and earn a wage. Also I am currently doing voluntary work in two different charity shops, so I am meeting people. I've took some courses in the passed couple of years to improve my intellectual and social skills, and I've also done work experiences for different companies, but I still can't get into work. I am still trying, and I still intend to keep my voluntary work up. Probably doesn't sound much but at least it's better than not trying anything at all. It's enough for me anyway. About the self-employment thing, I don't think it'd be very practical for me, since I'm not very good with handling money and you've got to be quite responsible to do self-employment. I would like a job first, just to earn money and build up enough money behind me, then perhaps see if I could get into self-employment in a few years time. But it's not just that - I try other things that should help with feeling bad about myself, like going for long walks on a Friday or Saturday evening with my mum, while everyone else is socialising in the bar, but it still makes me feel upset. I just can't seem to accept the fact that I live in a life of solitary and my cousins are all party-animals. It just doesn't seem fair. But I seem to base my life on the principle, not the actual matter. _________________ Real gender: Female From: East UK Age: 23

jhighl
Raven
Raven

Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 121

Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 3:52 pm Post subject:

i just turned 21 and never been drinking at a bar. Am not a huge drinking fan.

CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
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Age: 38
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Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.

Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 1:47 am Post subject:

Sweet Pea hugs _________________ The darling, unworldly Mick Avory with hands like shovels, who wouldn't dare choose to hurt a soul: I'm the cuddly, adorable Kink. Sweet Peas: http://s76.photobucket.com/albums/j37/Cocknee/Kinks/Sweet%20Pea%20Smileys/ Other: http://www.mybrowsercash.com/

DJFester
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Joined: Dec 06, 2009
Posts: 970
Location: Minneapolis MN USA

Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 5:13 am Post subject:

So socializing at the bar just isn't for you. It isn't for everybody. No big deal there, as many people don't care for that. Find some other things you enjoy to occupy your time / mind with, and stop dwelling so much on what others are doing. You need to find what works for you, not what works for them. Maybe take a break from Facebook, or skip past the messages about people going to the bar. I have absolutely no interest in Facebook myself, as my wife and her family are on it all the time, bragging to everyone about what they did, saw, etc. Maybe I'm just busy enough with my own stuff, to worry about what everyone else is doing or bragging about on there. I'm just not the kind of person who has to constantly brag about everything I do, either... so it just holds no interest to me. _________________ You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.