mntn13
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Joined: Jun 07, 2011
Posts: 1006
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 Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:20 pm Post subject: |
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| momsparky wrote: | I completely understand; I struggle with this sort of thing at school, too. So sorry you're having a hard time.
The first thing I would suggest is find the local autism society wherever you're moving and have them help you find an advocate. Work with the advocate as much ahead of time as you can so that you can be sure they speak for you, and then have THEM do the talking at your meetings with the school. I don't know where you are, but sometimes this is covered financially either by insurance or by state support, make sure you make money stuff a priority as you research.
With the anger stuff, I tried this technique recently and it really, really helped us have a calm conversation over a possibly incendiary issue: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt193353.html |
Thank you for understanding. and for the link ^ - it sounds like exactly the sort of thing that he'd be able to respond to, as he is really into computers and the stuttering gets worse when he's mad. I'll try it.
I don't know, yet, if there's any advocate available, but that would really take the pressure & worry for "future" anxiety off of me. |
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mntn13
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2011
Posts: 1006
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:31 pm Post subject: |
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| DW_a_mom wrote: | | ....The other thing to remember is that your needs matter, and no one can be the best parent they are capable of being if their own needs languish too far. Stay mindful of that balance; it is fantastic that we all learn to rise beyond some of our challenges so that we can give our kids what they need, but we also have to make sure that our figurative wells don't run dry. It isn't selfish, it is necessary. |
DW_a_mom, thank you too. I will look for "springs". And maybe once past the stressful parts of moving, I'll probably feel a weight off my shoulders. Someone on WP did say there is a group in Missoula, so I'll try to find them. (the nearest city)
:) |
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BobinPgh
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Posts: 184
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 2:22 am Post subject: |
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momsparky
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Joined: Jul 27, 2010
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 8:38 am Post subject: |
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| Sometimes, when you get older, you realize that the assets of autism are worth the struggles. We need this genotype. Besides, it's very possible to do better for our kids than our parents did for us. |
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BobinPgh
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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| momsparky wrote: | | Sometimes, when you get older, you realize that the assets of autism are worth the struggles. We need this genotype. Besides, it's very possible to do better for our kids than our parents did for us. |
Why on Earth do we "need this genotype" that causes the people who have it suffering through life?! just so we can have computer programmers? I don't find any of the "assets" make my life any better. Again, how could you put a child through autism, knowing you or your spouse have it just to have kids like everyone else? |
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momsparky
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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BobinPgh, I am sorry you're in a place where you can't see outside the suffering.
Not every person on the autism spectrum perceives things the way you do. Many of us have come to terms with our differences and found ways to manage the disabling aspects of them, and we have enough hope to have children. Be careful what you're suggesting: just because we have autism in common does not mean we are all computer programmers, or are all miserable, or are all anything; we are a wildly diverse set of people who share a few characteristics that are not even our defining characteristics. |
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BobinPgh
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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Momsparky,
The part that I disagree with is how could a parent knowingly bring someone with Aspergers/autism into a world that does not accept it, knowing that they will suffer. It is just like how can a parent bring in to the world someone with Hodgkins disease (they will die in their 40s). Now that I am diagnosed, it helps explain what happened to me but I would not want it to happen to anyone else. And I wish it had NOT happened to me. Any "gifts" are outweighted by the hell that is the oversensitivity, the high unemployment, the bad things that happen in most schools, and the fact that a lot people hate us (I have run into some). Also, actually, I don't think anyone should have kids anymore as there are already 7 billion of us and the crowding makes everything worse. How do parents having kids on purpose explain all that? |
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momsparky
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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Because none of those things will change if we don't, and that affects everyone. Because I don't want there to be a world expressly comprised of intolerant NTs.
You could say the same about any group of people with differences or challenges, gays, people of color, people with genetically-based physical handicaps. It's hard, change takes time, but things do improve. I remember feeling this way myself - even though I didn't know my neurology was different, I didn't want even the possibility that my child would suffer as I had - but now I know, he has the potential to not only thrive, but to help make things better for other people.
As for the overcrowding, there are certainly other ways to address that issue without telling particular neurotypes not to procreate. |
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BobinPgh
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Posts: 184
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| Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 1:29 am Post subject: |
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| momsparky wrote: | Because none of those things will change if we don't, and that affects everyone. Because I don't want there to be a world expressly comprised of intolerant NTs.
You could say the same about any group of people with differences or challenges, gays, people of color, people with genetically-based physical handicaps. It's hard, change takes time, but things do improve. I remember feeling this way myself - even though I didn't know my neurology was different, I didn't want even the possibility that my child would suffer as I had - but now I know, he has the potential to not only thrive, but to help make things better for other people.
As for the overcrowding, there are certainly other ways to address that issue without telling particular neurotypes not to procreate. |
Well, you are right about the last sentence, at this point, with 7 billion people NO ONE should be procreating, especially having too many kids like the Duggars do.
It just seems that having children would be hard on a person who has Aspergers to be a parent and the child is being done a disservice too. What if for example you end up in a crummy school district (As I did, turns out to be crummy in general too)?
I just think it is a good idea if we could promote the idea of a child free life on this board, because children can be hard to deal with if one is on the spectrum. |
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KAS
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 22, 2012
Posts: 31
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| Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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I'm Aspie without an official diagnosis.
My first two children are now adults in their 20's. The eldest was diagnosed for ADD and learning disabilities, but I think that the ADD was wrong and that he is high functioning aspergers. Not that is matters at this point. I found him interesting and challenging to parent.
The second is NT and VERY extroverted. That social calendar was a horror for me to manage but I would drive to activities, walk in, then go back to the car and read until parents started filing out. At the child's request, I would take my time entering so as to maximize the time chatting with the other kids. The kid was much more difficult to parent. All those activities and I had to act somewhat normal and simply couldn't do it. Half the mothers treated me as if I were a rotten mother, the other half seemed to range from thinking I was weird to avoiding me, to a very few who tried to be friendly and I still like those moms.
The eldest did not like social groups. Still only socializes on a limited basis.
Now, late in life, I have two more children. I think one is an extrovert with some Asperger traits, the second is too young to tell yet, but gets overwhelmed and melts down in a way that none of the other three ever did. The father of the younger two is aspergers but never diagnosed. His childhood is classic AS though. I'm reading the 22 things book next. I want to see what I might be able to tweak in my comunication to make our good marriage even better.
We lucked out, both of us on the same page parenting wise. When we disagree, we discuss away from the kids. Even if he thinks I am wrong, he backs me up, then discusses it later. He also almost never yells no matter how upset he gets. In the past four years he has raised his voice TWICE. It is so much nicer on my sensory issues to have a husband who doesn't yell at me.
Our daughter has a gift for sounds. She has discovered in her obsession with finding all the different sounds and tones that she is capable of making (as an infant her first copy was the siren of an ambulance complete with doppler effect, I don't know how many times I freaked out driving, trying to figure out where the ambulance was before I figured out it was coming from the baby seat). I am sound sensitive, and the little stinker has discovered the tones that will hit me the hardest which she applies anytime I correct her behavior, or put up the baby gate to keep her in her play area while I work, or insist she take a nap, or refuse to put a video on the TV for her.
Anyone else have a kid use their sensory issues as against them? Sometimes I feel like superman and my kid is waving kryptonite around.
Come to think of it, the now adult daughter used to poke me in the arm with her finger when she was annoyed with me. I hate being poked. Bothers me terribly.
Anyway, wanted to join this discussion!
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BuyerBeware
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Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Age: 35
Posts: 1038
Location: PA, USA
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| Posted: Sun May 27, 2012 7:48 pm Post subject: |
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You know, I understand the sentiment about choosing not to have kids. But that attitude-- that people on the spectrum shouldn't because blah, blah, blah-- that attitude has probably caused me more problems that autism itself. Dealing with that attitude has been one of my most intractable challenges as a parent.
Sort of like the idea that there is A Certain Kind Of Person, objectively determinable, that is better than every other kind of person-- indeed The Only Truly Good Kind Of Person-- that we should all strive to attain being. It's a crock. It needs to go.
How about promoting the idea that it's neither NECESSARY to procreate in order to be happy and fulfilled...
...nor is it WRONG to do it if you so choose???
How about the idea that, for "us" as well as for the rest of the human race, it should be a personal decision based on personal values, beliefs, and preferences???
I have been told a few times-- always by neurotypical medical professionals, and always by ignorant ones who were practicing in the Upper Mon Valley because no other place in the country would tolerate them-- that I should not have been permitted to reproduce, that despite the evidence to the contrary my kids could not possibly be happy and well cared for (or, if they were, it had to be through someone else's effort) and I could not possibly truly enjoy parenting them.
And I was stupid enough to believe them. Even to the point of considering killing myself and putting what I had seen before and now see again as three perfectly fine kids down with me.
You can ignore the bad attitudes, fight them, or give in to them. Your choice is entirely up to you. Why not leave others' choices up to them, too??
By the by-- I'm making an educated guess that "BobinPgh" is "Bob in Pittsburgh." Given the attitude that you seem to have toward society and yourself-- an attitude I'm fighting a see-saw war with myself (and losing, as often as not, though that's an improvement over more often than not)-- What are the chances, BobinPgh, that you are also a veteran (or should I say refugee??) of the Upper Monongahela Valley?? That you have, in fact, done time somewhere in or around Fairmont, West Virginia??
Just curious. Because I lived there for 28 years. And I'm hoping that I'm correct in the belief I'm slowly developing that north-central West Virginia is not, actually, statistically, demographically, or culturally representative of the human race as a whole.
_________________
I'm tired. I do not have sufficient strength remaining to persevere in the face of adversity. I accept myself as broken and conformity/compliance as the only acceptable existence. I give up.
What's on TV tonight??
Last edited by BuyerBeware on Mon May 28, 2012 1:18 am; edited 1 time in total |
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BuyerBeware
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Age: 35
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Location: PA, USA
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| Posted: Sun May 27, 2012 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, by the way-- actually came here to ask a question.
I think my DD10 has figured out that I can't tell when people are lying to me unless I catch them outright. Well, actually, I KNOW she has figured that out.
I suspect that she may have decided to exploit this for her own benefit. Today DS4 started sobbing-- nothing fake about it, I know that scream-- while I was heating up lunch. I asked him what had happened. He said the 10-year-old walked by and pulled his hair. I asked her if she did it. She looked at me with a straight face and said she's been on the couch the whole time.
I don't know whether to believe her or not. I told her I would let it pass, and also that it's a really foul thing to lie to someone just because you can, if that's what she was doing.
I've been thinking about this situation arising for a few months now-- remembering growing up with Daddy, how I did pull the wool over his eyes a few times but quit pretty quick (only did it once after the age of 12) and felt bad even then and feel bad about it to this day because lying to Daddy was so easy.
He had that to rely on-- the fact that I was AS too, not a good liar and obsessed with fairness.
I don't necessarily have that luxury. Even if it does not turn out to be a problem with my oldest, it will be a problem with my DD3 sooner than I even want to think about. That's just her temperament.
She's always been generally a good girl, and I suspect that it will pass relatively quickly...
...but she's AT THAT AGE and there are three more behind her.
Any other moms (or for that matter dads) out there who know yourselves to be easy to hoodwink?? How do you (or did you) deal with that in the face of raising-- *gasp*-- ADOLESCENTS?
I don't just want to assume I'm being deceived every time I wonder. That's not very fair; I think it would quickly teach her to be resentful and hateful, and to think that she might as well let the crime fit the punishment. I certainly have never enjoyed being treated in that way...
...but I can't let my kids get away with hoodwinking me any more than I can let anyone else. Actually, less, because I'm, you know, their MOTHER.
Suggestions, please????
_________________
I'm tired. I do not have sufficient strength remaining to persevere in the face of adversity. I accept myself as broken and conformity/compliance as the only acceptable existence. I give up.
What's on TV tonight?? |
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KAS
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 22, 2012
Posts: 31
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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| BuyerBeware wrote: | | Oh, by the way-- actually came here to ask a question. I think my DD10 has figured out that I can't tell when people are lying to me unless I catch them outright. Well, actually, I KNOW she has figured that out. I suspect that she may have decided to exploit this for her own benefit. |
My oldest daughter did the same thing. I had to ask for help. I contacted the mothers of all her friends and we exchanged cell phone numbers and when she told me she was going to be with a particular friend at their house, I would call that mom and ask.
I was also blessed that she got a step mother who is NT and savvy about teenage girls and lying.
You could also ask the leaders of the programs she is involved in for their phone numbers so you can check with them. Mine would say there was something after school and then go off with friends-- and I wish I had thought to do this simple check with her teachers and coaches.
I know the lies were a constant problem but we survived. The problem child is a productive adult, with a child of her own (born more than a year after the wedding!), and a husband who is a good hard working man, and she gets good grades taking college classes so she can eventually be a social worker or something similar.
I consider her a success. It was NOT easy. I hate feeling that I am likely being lied to but be unable to know for sure.
| Quote: | | How about promoting the idea that it's neither NECESSARY to procreate in order to be happy and fulfilled... ...nor is it WRONG to do it if you so choose??? How about the idea that, for "us" as well as for the rest of the human race, it should be a personal decision based on personal values, beliefs, and preferences??? |
I agree that the decision to have children, or not to have children, belongs to the individual. This is such a hot topic with people. I think that for the sake of the human race as a whole that nobody should be prevented from having children if they choose to do so. Genetic diversity is known to be good for a species and we cannot know what our species will need to have in the gene pool in the future so it is best to accept as wide a diversity as possible.
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momsparky
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Joined: Jul 27, 2010
Posts: 2732
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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| BuyerBeware wrote: | I don't just want to assume I'm being deceived every time I wonder. That's not very fair; I think it would quickly teach her to be resentful and hateful, and to think that she might as well let the crime fit the punishment. I certainly have never enjoyed being treated in that way...
...but I can't let my kids get away with hoodwinking me any more than I can let anyone else. Actually, less, because I'm, you know, their MOTHER.
Suggestions, please???? |
We've had a lot of trouble with lying, fortunately DS is awful at it, so I can usually tell when it happens - the problem is I can't always tell what it's about, but it comes in multiples and I can usually catch him at least once.
I explained to him (not in the moment, just in a family meeting) that in our household we value the truth very highly. I also said there are two consequences of lying, the first being that he loses my trust and the second being that, because I can't trust him, he gets less freedom. I have pointed out to him that the reason I am suspicious about nearly everything is a consequence of lying, and the reason he doesn't get access to ____________ in his room is because I can't trust him.
I have also told him that it's insulting to be put in the position of lie police. I said it hurts my feelings to be lied to, especially when I never lie to him (which I don't.) (BTW, I do talk a little bit about social lies, although we espouse evading the truth in those situations rather than telling untruths, e.g. "I've never tried anything like it" rather than "It was delicious!")
OTOH, I have found that sometimes he can't get past the impulse to lie if he's caught red-handed, so I usually give him a minute to calm down, and say "OK, now that you've had a chance to think about it, do you want to tell me something? Remember how we talked about how we value the truth in this family?"
I haven't tweaked this one yet, but I try to reward him for telling the truth (even on the second try) even if I'm going to punish him for whatever he lied about. When he's caught in a lie, I remind him that it hurts my feelings and that he will lose privileges involving trust. We are having small success, although his first impulse is still to lie.
Keep in mind, this is AS>AS, so if your kids are NT, they may or may not have that overdeveloped sense of fairness that helps in this situation. |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13485
Location: My house
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| Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 1:44 am Post subject: |
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My son is almost a year and a half and I still haven't figured out how to read him. My husband has to tell me what he is telling me and what he wants. He seems to know the difference between when my son is tried or hungry or when he wants something else to eat or is full. I never figured out with his cries when he is hungry or wet. I could only tell when he is scared because his crying sounded totally different and he be screaming and I could tell the difference with a pain cry just the way it sounded but never figured out the rest. But he is past that stage now.
Anyone other autistic parents had/have this same issue? Did you ever figure it out with your next child or did being around other babies help you read your baby when you had him/her?
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Titanic is a good diaper movie, lots of flooding |
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