Before learning about AS I sometimes wondered if I am sociopathic because I felt like everyone else was different and I could watch myself manipulating people like Nicole described - but I am not indifferent or without remorse or fixated on my own gain so that left me at a loss.
Because of how how verbally attacking this woman was calling me a sociopath, I couldn't help but start my research there. The remorse was what stood out as a glaring red flag that I couldn't be sociopathic. I've since learned that my emotions run hot or cold, and when they are cold it's very similar to alexithymia, so I can logically understand feeling indifferent (isn't that an oxymoron - 'feeling indifferent'?), but I do still care and quite deeply.
I wouldn't be surprised if there is a high correlation (not to be confused with causation) between sociopathy and alexithymia and autism. I'd really like to get the courage to send a message to Mr. Fallon here asking if he could test that theory.
NicoleG: Learning by deciding is more difficult and takes more time and is very less instinctual, and the addition of emotions confounds it. Almost everything in my life that I learned I CHOSE to learn. I chose how to be outgoing. I chose how interact with this group or that group. I chose how I wanted to walk and how to poise myself and what personality I wanted to exude in this moment and that and what I wanted my handwriting to look like. I choose every day I walk into the grocery store if I'm in the mood to smile at the other patrons or not, but it's still based on some level of emotion, including feeling bad if I'm not smiling.
I'm newly diagnosed and still very much at the stage of learning how much of the way I've developed is actually not typical of all people, despite the fact I'd always assumed it was. What you say is absolutely true of me, but I've only realised it through reading your post – thank you for setting it out. I've learned far more about myself from reading snippets about people's life experience than I did from the medical/developmental literature.
With me it depends what the situation is, and it is all very much related to how I'm having to communicate or socialise with people.
I can do a presentation in front of 200 people, but head down in my notes, rarely looking up, I am generally quite good at this, and often get great reviews from people. As I've got older, I can now do a lot more of looking up at the audience and running my eyes over the scene, but this is a learnt action and I find it very weird and still unnerving to do this.
Stick me in meeting though, with 5 or 6 people, and I'm a wreck, especially if I have to give a report or comment on something. Here, you'll find me starting sentences and trailing off into silence as I am clearly centre of attention, but in a very personal way. Nearly always I come out of meetings feeling like a complete idiot, who didn't get anything right and sounded like a 5 year old.
On a one-to-one basis on the whole I'm fine, and can manage all the learnt small talk and nod in the right places - I can even do an appropriate amount of eye contact, whilst avoiding this ... . Usually, people will quickly get bored with my ramblings and wander off, especially if they have other options. Stick two or more people with me though, and that's it - I am just a shadowy figure who no-one else notices and even if I manage to butt in, I'll be stared at like I'm an alien or something. Even if I'm walking in the middle of a group of 3 people, the other two will still talk across me, as if there was just some strange gap between them and not a person.
So at social events, I'll be the one sat in the corner, usually being completely ignored. This, however, is preferable to being noticed, as I'll might get dragged into doing some stupid attention-seeking social thing (games, whatever), and probably end up having a meltdown, as that is still the absolute limit for me. Social events leave me completely exhausted and stressed out.
With all of these, I'm much less able to cope if I'm tired, so sleep is key to my life running smoothly and age has helped as I have gradually learnt more and more coping mechanisms.
On a one-to-one basis on the whole I'm fine, and can manage all the learnt small talk and nod in the right places - I can even do an appropriate amount of eye contact, whilst avoiding this ... . Usually, people will quickly get bored with my ramblings and wander off, especially if they have other options. Stick two or more people with me though, and that's it - I am just a shadowy figure who no-one else notices and even if I manage to butt in, I'll be stared at like I'm an alien or something. Even if I'm walking in the middle of a group of 3 people, the other two will still talk across me, as if there was just some strange gap between them and not a person.
So at social events, I'll be the one sat in the corner, usually being completely ignored. This, however, is preferable to being noticed, as I'll might get dragged into doing some stupid attention-seeking social thing (games, whatever), and probably end up having a meltdown, as that is still the absolute limit for me. Social events leave me completely exhausted and stressed out.
That's how I am. Stick me in a room with two people and I'm a mute. It takes the pressure off trying to make conversation so I don't feel the need to try as much. Even with one person, though, if it's not someone I know very very intimately I make a social mess of things, unless the person has a knack for smoothing out conversation and making it flow.
I have found that there are certain circumstances when I want to "fake it" but the majority of the time I feel hypocritical if I do so I don't.
I'm wondering how all this plays into socializing with others on the spectrum. Is it easier or harder for you?
I'm beginning to think that I gravitate toward others with aspie traits because it is less "tiring" to communicate with them.
If you know you're "faking it" to survive but know your true identity, then it's not really so hypocritical at all I think. I guess it really depends on your intentions and your perspective- so complicated!
I'm wondering how all this plays into socializing with others on the spectrum. Is it easier or harder for you?
I find that it's easier for me to communicate with people that are within a certain range of where I am. I prefer highly logical and semi-emotional, which some NTs fit such description as well, although they're a dime a dozen. People who are overly-emotional drive me up the wall, and I do spend a lot of extra energy keeping up with them.
Joined: Aug 24, 2011 Age: 42 Posts: 87 Location: Livermore, California
Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 7:20 pm Post subject:
I'm not fond of the word FAKE or FAKING. Everything I am and how I interact with people is genuine. Although I have to think about positioning my hands when talking to someone and have to force eye contact and then look away at times to make it seem more natural, these things are second nature anymore and very much a part of who I am. When I was very young I taught myself to move my arms in synch with my legs when walking, and with much effort I taught myself to scream with the other girls on roller coasters and at other appropriate times. But now it comes naturally.
As a 41-year old woman self-identified as having Aspergers and openly talking about this now, I am comfortable in my skin as someone on the spectrum. I'm also decently comfortable knowing that if many of you and I were to meet in person, you may not recognize Aspergers traits in me. I know where I've been, and I know the things I deal with every day that set me apart from NTs my age. Everyone is a little eccentric, right? Whether we're on the spectrum or not. But although I might have certain things under control, spend any length of time with me beyond the initial meet and greet, and you're bound to understand.
Anyway, the people I struggle communicating with the most are the ones in my own age group. I tend to draw too many comparisons and can only sustain a conversation for so long before my words start getting tangled up and my face turns red. But that's just how things are with me. At work they're used to me and have come to expect some awkwardness from time to time. Since I'm focused on my work and don't socialize with them outside of work hours, that really helps. I know my role, my responsibilities, and how to slip into my routines while there. It is stressful, but it also gives me some peace. I've been there a year now, which is a HUGE deal for me!
As far as having friends, I have my husband and one other person. I see my husband every day, I see her maybe once a month. Friendships just aren't easy to maintain.
Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 5:59 am Post subject: Highly educated aspies please unite!!
Dear other planet members,
It is my perception that highly educated aspies are very isolated. The company, hospital, research lab they are working in is not an environment where any understanding of the aspie life can be asked for. This generates particular problems related to isolation because in the highly competitive world we are functioning any place for sublevel social functioning is not possible. So have been stated that I am very interested in the stories of the researchers, docters, lawyers, PhD's, etc feeling the need to share some experiences and hopefully some tricks to survive could help another aspie.
Cheers Sperry, nickname, MD Anaesthetist Emergency Physician in daily life
I'm not fond of the word FAKE or FAKING. Everything I am and how I interact with people is genuine.
It was because I was unacknowledgingly being a fake person trying to fit in with a particular social group and got called out on it that I finally uncovered my place on the spectrum. I'm trying to get rid of that mentality. It's become a really bad habit to be someone I'm not in order to fit it.
LovesMoose wrote:
I am comfortable in my skin as someone on the spectrum. I'm also decently comfortable knowing that if many of you and I were to meet in person, you may not recognize Aspergers traits in me. I know where I've been, and I know the things I deal with every day that set me apart from NTs my age.
Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:37 pm Post subject: No discrimination
auntblabby wrote:
^^^
so in other words, only ultrahigh-functioning brainiacs need apply.
Dear wrong planet friends, my english is perhaps not wat it should be but a dedicated subforum dedicated to aspies with a high functioning job could provide us the ability to discuss topics and problems related to this type of life. Anyway no discimination, no superiority stuff, I like all of you but I am wondered how other highly functioning cope with the social interaction on the earth,
Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 5:31 pm Post subject: Re: No discrimination
Sperry wrote:
Anyway no discimination, no superiority stuff, I like all of you but I am wondered how other highly functioning cope with the social interaction on the earth,y
I have been burned in a number of workplaces and volunteer and activist scenarios because i didn't get the social dynamics.
My coping mechanism (and i only found out about my asperger's about 20 months ago) through the last 30 years of working (i graduated high school when i was 16) was to find a boss/supervisor/person with clout who liked me, needed my particular skill set, and who was prepared to protect me from office politics. _________________ "Your Aspie score: 172 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie"
Diagnosed 2010 at age 45
Asperger's and NVLD
... 
. Usually, people will quickly get bored with my ramblings and wander off, especially if they have other options. Stick two or more people with me though, and that's it - I am just a shadowy figure who no-one else notices and even if I manage to butt in, I'll be stared at like I'm an alien or something. Even if I'm walking in the middle of a group of 3 people, the other two will still talk across me, as if there was just some strange gap between them and not a person.
and age has helped as I have gradually learnt more and more coping mechanisms.
