Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8258
Location: Great Britain
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 Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 5:31 pm Post subject: I always screw up in social situations,can't take it no more |
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For the first time I went to the pub with my brother and his mates last Friday evening. I can't say I didn't enjoy it, and I would go again (in fact I want to go this Friday too), but I think I screwed up socially about 2 or 3 times. They are obviously only minor, but enough to be noticed by NTs who are more social than me. When I make a minor social faux pas (I don't usually make major ones because I'm not unaware of my actions), I can always sort of sense when I have made a minor social faux pas, sort of by the other people's reaction, or something just tells me that I've said something odd. It's not normally what I say or what I do, it's usually the way I say or do things, more so.
Like one of my brother's female friend's, who is really nice but a bit loud, wanted to go out the back for a fag and so did my brother and his other friend, and they got up and the loud friend said (in a jokey way), ''that's right, leave me behind!'' then she looked at me and joked, ''at least you bothered to wait with me, or were you just taking a long time to get up?'' I knew she was just joking around so I laughed, but I didn't know what to say back, so I said, ''actually, I was taking a long time to get up because my chair was stuck'', and that was true but also I wanted to wait for her too. Then I added, ''only joking'', with a little laugh, but I don't know if she heard that and she joked again and said, ''everybody leaves me.'' I felt awkward after that, I know she was joking but I wasn't sure if my reaction to her humour sounded right or not.
Also, just before I went (I went earlier), I got up all right and said, ''I'll better go now'', and my brother's friends smiled and said bye and everything, and I confidently added, ''I might come out again next week'', and they looked pleased when I said that, but as I was walking to the door, the loud friend said, ''it was nice meeting you!'', and I wanted to say ''it was nice meeting you too'' but the words suddenly didn't come out right, they came out like this, ''yer it was nice to meeting too....you.....'' I don't quite know what happened there, but I worried that I might have sounded stupid. Then when I very first saw my brother's loud friend earlier that evening, she said hello to me, and I smiled and said, ''hi ya!'', but I felt my voice had got swallowed up in the shouting and yelling what some loud young men were doing behind us. Hopefully because she's NT she might have filtered that out and just heard me say ''hi ya'' more clearly than I heard myself say it.
Ohh, I like socialising but I wish I didn't have this sh** to contend with. I'm not very good with first impressions either.
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6783
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong there. If anybody noticed or thought something was odd, I'm sure they promptly forgot about it.
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Lucywlf
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 23, 2011
Posts: 372
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| Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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| I think you did just fine too. Generally, when people ask a question like your brother's friend did, they're expecting a lighthearted response. As for your parting response, your being in a pub covers that one. As long as you're not falling down drunk, nobody is really going to notice or remember that well. |
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conundrum
seeking harmony in an imbalanced world
Joined: May 26, 2010
Posts: 2109
Location: third rock from one of many suns
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| Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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^Ditto (to both responses above).
Actually, it sounds like the night went well. I think you probably made a good first impression. 
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
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roccoslife
Toucan
Joined: Jul 13, 2011
Age: 29
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Location: Essex, UK
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 8:03 am Post subject: |
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Gonna hav to agree with everyone else, sounds like you did pretty well. Everyone gets tongue tied occasionally, even really outgoing people, Im sure none of them thought twice about it.
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
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Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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OK, well hopefully you are all more or less right. I think I was being overparanoid about it because I have Social Phobia, and I know how easily most people can judge eachother, even if they seem nice.
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PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2697
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 2:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Joe90 wrote: | | OK, well hopefully you are all more or less right. I think I was being overparanoid about it because I have Social Phobia, and I know how easily most people can judge eachother, even if they seem nice. |
Not everyone picks fault with a person as they would be shallow.
You should be proud that you can hold your own in socialising. By wanting to go again shows you have confidence in yourself.
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CyclopsSummers
tunnel visionary
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Age: 26
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 2:00 pm Post subject: |
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The key word is 'practice', Joe. I should envy you, because you have something that I don't: the drive and desire to go out and socialise. That is a very good thing. But you're still relatively new to this, so slip-ups are to be expected. And yes, those may sometimes be very awkward or downright painful, but that's part of the learning process. The main thing you should focus on in these kinds of social activities is that you're having fun. If at any given point it stops being fun at that moment, break it off and call it a night. You can always return for another go. Don't give up, because it appears as though you can really come to enjoy clubbing and pubbing (more than I ever would), and all you need is to crank up your self-confidence a notch.
Might be a silly thing of me to say, but when you come home from your Friday night out and read this, think to yourself, "What are all the things that went right these past two Fridays?" The stuff that, maybe before you thought you couldn't do, and you ended up handling pretty well, be pleased with those results, and repeat them next time. Stuff that maybe didn't go so well, reflect upon it and think how you could improve on that. We are none of us perfect, we all make slip-ups, and even NTs have learned some of the more difficult aspects of 'advanced socialising' the hard way. Got screwed over by people who seemed nice at first, said the wrong awkard things, tripped over their own shoelaces, you name it, someone farked it up. Allow yourself the occasional slip-up, the world won't stop turning for it.
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DigitalDesperado
Blue Jay
Joined: Oct 13, 2010
Posts: 85
Location: stuck at ground level - but trying to soar
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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I feel your pain OP, I do the same thing, I blow every little mistake way out of proportion and then obsess over them for much too long.
The examples you gave were so minor that they were certainly forgotten in moments, if they were noticed at all.
Try to own the fact that you are different, it isn't ideal, but it's okay and give yourself some leeway when it comes to making mistakes. If you find yourself struggling for a reply, a smile can often save the moment.
Try to shrink the mistakes down in your mind, make them small and focus on the fact that you went out, you enjoyed yourself and that people let you know that they enjoyed meeting you. Yay! |
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NeueZiel
Seņorita Gamera
Joined: Apr 29, 2012
Posts: 1246
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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| DigitalDesperado wrote: | I feel your pain OP, I do the same thing, I blow every little mistake way out of proportion and then obsess over them for much too long.
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This is totally me. Sometimes I remember awful, tiny mistakes I've made while trying to sleep and will just scream out loud.  |
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The_Perfect_Storm
Phoenix
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Age: 21
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 3:43 pm Post subject: Re: I always screw up in social situations,can't take it no |
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first bit was f**** but she sounded kind of awkward too.
the rest was probably fine, as in not a big deal. Stuff happens to everybody |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 55
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Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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Pubs are difficult, too much noise, too many people talking, too much interaction. People getting aggressive, etc.
You handled the situation well enough.
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Scatmaster
Blue Jay
Joined: Feb 03, 2012
Posts: 86
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow, I'm kinda jealous of your social skills if those were your only faux-pas after a night of drinking in a pub. I'd be so overwhelmed that I'd be silent and awkward the entire evening... as did happen before. |
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NTAndrew
Toucan
Joined: Jan 19, 2012
Posts: 280
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 4:37 pm Post subject: |
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Joe90,
You did great! First, you overcame your nerves and went to the pub, which should not be regarded lightly. Then you handled yourself very well. That remark about the chair being stuck might have been the truth, but it also sounded very witty.
You do what a lot of people with social anxiety do: you do a postmortem after the event and kick yourself for every syllable you may have slurred. I think everyone here thinks you did just fine, and I am sure your clubbing companions thought so too.
You WILL make a mistake now and then. Aspergians do it, NTs do it, people with Social Anxiety Disorder do it, people with well developed social skills do it. The key is forgiving yourself when it happens. Also remember, every single person there has their own internal dialog going on. They are wondering if they look okay, they hope others will like them, they are thinking of making time with someone they see across the room. And half of them are tipsy if not sh*t-faced drunk. There is too much going on for them to take much notice if you show a little social awkwardness.
The problem is not mistakes you make in social situations, it is how you treat yourself afterward. Be kind to yourself. And be proud. You handled yourself beautifully! |
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