feeling like im being 'brainwashed' [rant]

Dp0p · Tufted Titmouse Joined: May 09, 2012 Posts: 40

i hate parties, they are loud, confusing, full of people and very stressful.
however i get sad when im not invited to my mates parties.
i understand why im not invited and im fine with that and in all honesty i would prefer to be a lone then at a party but i still get sad when im not invited.
i see parties as an opportunity to loose my virginity and they are alot more bearable then being in a relationship.
but when i get down to it i dont want to have sex. i dont like touching people and i dont like people touching me. at this point in my life im fine with my hand because it doesnt cost anything, it doesnt expect me to listen to its boring stories and it is always available (god that came out creepy)
yet i want to have sex. my personal theory is that i veiw sex s an acheivement, the next step in the game of life.
i did fall in love once but it ended horribly and i think it is part of the reason that ive become so bitter about such things.
hadnt thought of that until now...
i enjoy conversing with my Aspie freinds alot but i become a more vulcan person and i fear for my future.
i dont know what i want and what they are telling me i should want and im torn between the two. but it isnt a simple decision. im looking at a billion doors and i dont know where they lead and it scares me. thew worst part is they have a time limit and if i dont go through any ill become a loser. i find myself doing things because i have nothing better to do and not because i want to do them. i want to make games. i want to be a renowned psychologist. i want to be able to sit and think for hours about a grain of dirt and not feel like im wasting time. but ive been taught that i should want money, i should want sex, i should want a family, freinds, a respectable proffesion, love, adventure, a legacy.
my schooling life has made me feel like all the problems of the world are on me and my own logic tells me that with all the wasted lives in our generation if i dont do something no one will.
im trapped alone on romulus hoping they dont notice ive stuck thesse ridges onto my vulcan forehead.

the worst part is i dont even fit in with other autistics. i have an AS score of 71/72 but i have ADD as well as ASD.
i cant even remember what ive typed in this.

but any thoughts? any simelar experiences you wish to share with me? any advice? im stuck and i need some help
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