IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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 Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 2:25 am Post subject: Have you ever changed your mind? |
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| This one is for the Aspies. After reading a lot of topics from the NT's, I'm starting to wonder how realistic it is to think an Aspie might change his/her mind about being in a relationship. I guess this is also coupled with post from Aspies saying they have no desire to be in a relationship. Have any of you said you're just not looking for a relationship only to find yourself in one? And if so, what do you think made you change your mind? |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:02 am Post subject: |
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I did not want to be in any relationships for a period of 2 years, the last year I dated("freakin' good friends" only) the girl who would become my wife. She grew on me, and I adjusted, albeit very slowly, I did adjust to the idea of being in a relationship. What eventually changed my mind was when she decided she had tried long enough(see below), and gave me the impression she would move on, since we didn't want the same thing anymore. The saying; "You don't know what you have before you lose it", suddenly became really clear to me.
We both started out honest about our intentions, none of us wanted a relationship. Then things changed. At first for her, and then, eventually I realized I wanted change aswell.
Aspies and change don't mix well, but spread over a full year, I adapted. 
But! ..don't give ultimatums, don't say; "If you don't want a relationship, then I will leave.", I know that wouldn't have gone well with me. What "worked" was when she ignored me for 3-4 days, while she was away on holiday. If she had given me an ultimatum I am fairly sure that wouldn't have worked. And also, if it had happened 2-3 months before it did, I doubt I would have been ready.
The only advice I can give is; Be patient.
..but also, don't waste your prime youth in waiting, it might never happen. There is no perfect answer, every case would be different.
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AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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SilkySifaka
Lemur
Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 1396
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:28 am Post subject: |
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I don't think I've ever changed my mind. With my current boyfriend, a few years into our relationship he announced he wanted to go back to studying and move from Scotland (where we lived and where I am from) to England, which is where he is from. The change was too much for me to contemplate and so we split up. Later on (it's a long story) I got the courage to come here and we got back together. I hadn't changed my mind about wanting to be with him, and in that time I didn't so much as look at another man.
I've never said to someone 'I don't want a relationship with you' and then changed my mind. I like being with this boyfriend, but if we were to split up, I don't know if I would go looking for another relationship. I think I would probably just get a cat instead. Being on my own is my natural state.
Everyone is different though, so the only person who is really worth asking is your Aspie. |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13500
Location: My house
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 6:50 am Post subject: |
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After my second relationship, I decided I didn't want one anymore for now because they were too complicated. So I wasn't looking anymore and said I wasn't looking. Then I met my husband and I also told him I wasn't looking. But every weekend he would come and see me. Then within a month we were in a relationship together. I really liked him and he accepted me and was very flexible so I went into a relationship.
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Titanic is a good diaper movie, lots of flooding |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:20 pm Post subject: |
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| I think sometimes you don't know what you have til its gone and you don't know what you're looking for until you find it or it finds you. Which is what I'm getting from the posts so far. I think patience is key- sometimes. But you wonder if someone says I'm not looking for a relationship or I'm good in relationships how do you proceed? You don't want to waste your efforts but then you don't want to give up right away either. I see a lot of this on the threads from NT's. Maybe it's that we (NT's) think that when we hear "I don't do relationships" or "I'm not looking for a relationship" we think that all he/she needs is to see I'm "different" from the others and if I work harder to understand AS he/she will change his/her mind. |
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NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:57 pm Post subject: |
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| It really depends on the person. Some people will cave with a lot of pressure, some with a little, slow-cooker pressure, and some aren't going to change or might even get pissed off with pressure. It all depends on where they're at, how they handle change, the reasons behind how they are feeling in the moment, and other things like that. Aside from most Aspies being a little averse to change, I don't see how this is any different from any other NT saying the exact same thing regarding wanting to be in a relationship. |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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| NicoleG wrote: | | It really depends on the person. Some people will cave with a lot of pressure, some with a little, slow-cooker pressure, and some aren't going to change or might even get pissed off with pressure. It all depends on where they're at, how they handle change, the reasons behind how they are feeling in the moment, and other things like that. Aside from most Aspies being a little averse to change, I don't see how this is any different from any other NT saying the exact same thing regarding wanting to be in a relationship. |
Good points.
This is what I was getting at-what you said about an Aspie saying they don't want a relationship is the same as an NT saying the same thing. I agree with that. |
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NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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| IlovemyAspie wrote: | Good points.
This is what I was getting at-what you said about an Aspie saying they don't want a relationship is the same as an NT saying the same thing. I agree with that. |
Yeah, this is different than if you had asked about a young Aspie who still throws temper tantrums regarding being dragged by his parents out to a family dinner event, or something like that. Then you're dealing with something completely different. But adults deciding if they do or do not want to be in a relationship is pretty much equal across the board as far as I can tell. |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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| I rebounded from one long term relationship with a bipolar disorder sufferer who didn't know she was bipolar until after we broke up, straight into a relationship with another bipolar disorder sufferer who I didn't know was until I was with her for 3 months. That lasted another 3 months. I'm on a break for the foreseeable future. I'm really enjoying not having to think about anyone else. I will change my mind at some stage. |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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| ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | | I rebounded from one long term relationship with a bipolar disorder sufferer who didn't know she was bipolar until after we broke up, straight into a relationship with another bipolar disorder sufferer who I didn't know was until I was with her for 3 months. That lasted another 3 months. I'm on a break for the foreseeable future. I'm really enjoying not having to think about anyone else. I will change my mind at some stage. |
How is it you know you'll change your mind? |
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Scatmaster
Blue Jay
Joined: Feb 03, 2012
Posts: 86
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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After a couple of years of terrible and short relationships, I needed some time to figure out more about myself and what I actually wanted. A year later, I met my current boyfriend. I told him that I wasn't looking to date someone. But I knew that I wanted him. It was a couple of weeks before I asked him to hang out, and eventually made a move on him. We've been together for three years now 
What made me change my mind? I knew that good things were hard to come by. Even though I wasn't ready, he was, and would possibly find someone else while he waited for me to be ready. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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| There are many situations I haven't been in, so this is hard to say, but so far it seems like I do not waver when I'm firmly and permanently decided not to pursue something with someone. |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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| edgewaters wrote: | | There are many situations I haven't been in, so this is hard to say, but so far it seems like I do not waver when I'm firmly and permanently decided not to pursue something with someone. |
So if someone were to pursue you, what would you do? |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Scatmaster wrote: | After a couple of years of terrible and short relationships, I needed some time to figure out more about myself and what I actually wanted. A year later, I met my current boyfriend. I told him that I wasn't looking to date someone. But I knew that I wanted him. It was a couple of weeks before I asked him to hang out, and eventually made a move on him. We've been together for three years now
What made me change my mind? I knew that good things were hard to come by. Even though I wasn't ready, he was, and would possibly find someone else while he waited for me to be ready. |
What did he do when you said you weren't ready for a relationship? |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2012 3:55 am Post subject: |
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| IlovemyAspie wrote: | | ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | | I rebounded from one long term relationship with a bipolar disorder sufferer who didn't know she was bipolar until after we broke up, straight into a relationship with another bipolar disorder sufferer who I didn't know was until I was with her for 3 months. That lasted another 3 months. I'm on a break for the foreseeable future. I'm really enjoying not having to think about anyone else. I will change my mind at some stage. |
How is it you know you'll change your mind? |
I love female company. |
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