y-pod
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 17, 2010
Posts: 802
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 8:52 am Post subject: What do you do if a friend/family is crying in front of you? |
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I know all about the things you're supposed to do when someone's upset. Like hug or pat them, say something comforting...etc. Somehow I just never managed to pull it off without feeling like a phony.  I can talk to people who are sad or worried, but once they start crying all my reason and experience seem to vanish, and I just want them to stop. If I have the choice I'd walk away but I know that's bad manner. Usually I wait patiently until they can talk again. Hugs seem to encourage them to cry more and slobbering all over your clothes. What do you do about such a situation?
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danmac
the bringer of unwanted things
Joined: Mar 23, 2010
Age: 38
Posts: 3173
Location: chi town burbs
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 9:38 am Post subject: |
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i just look down, it's all i can do
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everything is funny if your looking at it right |
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Declension
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 21, 2012
Posts: 1654
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 9:39 am Post subject: |
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| I hug them, and I just say whatever comes to mind. The sort of spontaneous thing that I say is often a bit odd, and the surprise can have the effect of cheering them up. For example, instead of saying a cliche like "It'll be alright", I will often say something like "Look, here's the worst thing that could happen. It wouldn't be so bad. You're strong, and you've fought through worse things." |
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ToughDiamond
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 60
Posts: 4751
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:40 am Post subject: Re: What do you do if a friend/family is crying in front of |
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| y-pod wrote: | | Hugs seem to encourage them to cry more and slobbering all over your clothes. What do you do about such a situation? |
I was taught that in such a situation, hugs and hand-holding will bring on tears, and that tears are a healing process. I don't mind if my shoulder gets wet. On the other hand I also hope to god that I catch their mood in time and don't start giggling from nervousness or the inertia that my empathy often has. It has been known.  I'm not laughing at them, it's just nerves. |
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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Rasta is about freedom and the living God
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Joined: Jun 19, 2008
Posts: 7998
Location: Babylon
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:45 am Post subject: |
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When I was a kid, I was often mocked when I cried. I got called "crocodile tears" and my mother was really sarcastic, saying stuff like, "oh you are so abused and put upon." There was hardly any comforting, ever, so yeah, it's hard to deal with situations like that. I am never sarcastic and downright mean like my mother, though. I usually just feel really awkward. I have tried to comfort by patting and stuff like that. Patting is the closest I will get since I am not sure someone wants a hug from me and I don't want to put them in a situation where they feel like they must hug me back. I have been surrounded by really cold people who do not hug or pat so I have learned not to hug and pat myself. It makes it really confusing and difficult to console someone who is upset.
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lostmyself
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 05, 2011
Posts: 331
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:48 am Post subject: |
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| I talk and test if they are ready to talk or want to be left alone. If they seem receptive I hug and try to say comforting words. I was bad at both empathy and comforting. I seemed to have finally learnt both of them. |
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Merculangelo
Toucan
Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Posts: 282
Location: Oklahoma City
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:48 am Post subject: |
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| usually I end up just staring at them or slowly continuing whatever I'm doing with the hope that they soon feel ashamed enough to stop. |
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LogiXYZ
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 25, 2012
Age: 32
Posts: 69
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:51 am Post subject: |
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I tried the hugging thing once, but the NT felt I was making fun at their situation... because I didn't show the emotions she was expecting.
Since then I've already remained extremely passive, then somebody in the room would handle it instead of me. If I'm alone in the room then I try to use word, but never physical contact.
But one thing is for sure, I always feel very ackward when somebody starts crying. Personally I think NTs cry even when there is absolutely nothing to cry about. I once saw a girl starting to cry because she had broken a nail. I remember I was thinking what the hell will she do when somebody she loves dies.
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Vomelche
Deinonychus
Joined: Nov 18, 2011
Age: 28
Posts: 376
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:17 am Post subject: |
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| I find comforting usually just makes it worse, unless they really want to be comforted because they feel intimate with you. Best you can do is acknowledge their suffering, listen to their story move on. |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 38
Posts: 87188
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
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lostgirl1986
There's a party in my head.
Joined: Feb 29, 2012
Age: 26
Posts: 6284
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:45 am Post subject: |
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| I'm usually the same as you. I know what you should do but I can't get myself to do it without feeling like a phony as well. I try my best to comfort them and listen to them. |
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hanyo
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 01, 2011
Posts: 3447
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 11:48 am Post subject: |
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| I'd do nothing and ignore it and go away if possible. It's uncomfortable, I don't know what to do, and if it was me crying I'd want to be alone and not be bothered. |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:19 pm Post subject: |
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Sheldon Cooper offer them a hot beverage..
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AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8241
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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I feel concerned. Sometimes I cuddle them if they're close relatives, but if they're a relative who I'm not that close to and not quite sure how to act, I just stare sympathetically.
Not all NTs cuddle someone who is crying. My uncle is a perfect example of NT and is quite loud, and when his cousin was crying he just cheerfully said, ''ah, cheer up, love'', and started throwing jokey remarks to make her smile, which didn't work. Then he made her a cup of tea, and maybe sat and talked to her.
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
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reecare
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 28, 2012
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I kind of shut down. I don't like when people cry, but i just don't know how to comfort them. I told my grandma to quit crying once. I'll try to hug them but it feels uncomfortable. |
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