Newbie-Just Trying To Figure Myself Out

outofplace · Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 1:38 pm Post subject:

I guess I'll start by saying that I have never been formally diagnosed on the autistic spectrum, but I was diagnosed as being ADHD as a child. However, I have come to doubt that ADHD fully describes the way I am. Over the past week or two I have taken several tests online and all of the point to either Asperger's or Autism. I have a difficult time reading minor facial expressions and scored a 17/39 on the "eyes" test, took the aspie quiz 3 times and ranged from 143/200 to 146/200, and on the AQ test I scored a 43. After reading extensively about autism over the past days/weeks though, it all does seem to make sense.

I have adapted fairly well to life in my 38 years, but I still have never had a romantic relationship and have had less than 5 dates over the course of my entire life. The problem is that I simply can't tell if someone is legitimately interested in me, so I wait for them to tell me and they never do. This was once again made clear to me a few weeks ago when a co-worker pointed out to me that he thought someone was interested in me. I asked him to tell me how he could tell and he proceeded to point out several pieces of her body language that I didn't pick up on. I could tell something was going on, but couldn't tell if she liked me or really didn't like me because I have no way of knowing these things without other people cluing me in.

As far as other evidence is concerned, I am disorganized, an insomniac, have terrible short-term memory, suffer from depression, live by several routines and rituals (but not everything in my life is routine or ritual), I stim, often speak pedantically, and have had several obsessive interests (one of which is life long). I do use a lot of sarcasm, but have a difficult time reading it sometimes. Other people have noticed aspie/autistic traits in me too. I was talking to a co-worker with ADHD and said I was researching something I thought I had. His response was to ask if it was aspergers! I had a similar conversation with a friend I have known for 16 years and his response was "Oh yeah, definitely. When I first met you, it was like you were from a different planet." Another (ex) friend of mine from high school also intimated that he thought I was autistic and called me a "social cripple". He used to tease me and call me Rain Man. (Needless to say, we are no longer friends for a variety of reasons!) Yet another person asked me if I had ever watched "Big Bang Theory" because there was a character on there that was just like me-Sheldon. Although I am not that bad (usually), I can see a lot of similarities after having watched the show.

While I am better in social situations now, I am still not comfortable around too many new people at once. Part of that is age and part of that is the kinds of jobs I have had. I have worked with the public in hospitality and doing phone sales all of my adult life. It has put me in enough situations that I was forced to learn how to cope. I may never have been any good at sales, but my current job of delivering pizza is one I have oddly excelled at. I sort of think part of that has to do with the rather long periods of time in which I don't have much contact with people. Working inside the store is fairly intense and I can't get away if I get upset. However, when you drive, you get out of the store every few minutes and have time to collect your thoughts. Plus, no one thinks you are nuts if you talk to yourself or stim a little. Additionally, the customer interactions are fairly limited in scope and I have long since learned patterns for how to deal with any situation.

I am not in therapy and cannot afford to be due to my income. However, I have considered saving up the money and getting myself tested for a variety of reasons. I plan to return to college this fall so that I can finally stop doing delivery work. That is where the dilemma lies. If I am ASD, then it would help to be able to explain that to the college so that I can get some special dispensation to deal with the stressfulness of tests and my disorganization. Plus, knowing that this describes me could show me what career paths would be best suited to me.

At any rate, that's at least some of me. Hopefully, I will be able to learn from some of you here and maybe have a little advice about life to share in return.