muslimmetalhead
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 30, 2011
Posts: 1072
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 Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 8:05 pm Post subject: Re: My Facade is Slipping... |
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| Budfarmer wrote: | Hi, let me introduce myself...
I'm 48 years old and I was diagnosed with Aspergers about a month ago but by then, the diagnoses was sort of like the answer key at the end of a very complex text book. And it came almost as a relief. When I was a child Autism was rarely talked about, was a "disease" that affected mostly boys, and nobody had ever heard of Aspergers. But that didn't change the fact that I had these traits and I learned to cover them up.
I grew up and came to be known as someone who was startlingly intelligent, extremely shy and introverted, and a little quirky with no close friends. But everybody seems to like me...but then, why wouldn't they, I'm a very brilliant door mat. There's nothing not to like... I make sure of that.
Anyway, with my diagnosis came a lot of self-introspection and I've come to the conclusion that I am extremely tired of hiding who I am and I really, really want the time to contemplate exactly who that is. I've hidden everything about me for so many years that there isn't a single soul on the face of this earth who really knows me for who I am when I'm alone. Not my friends, not my family, not even my own husband. I am extremely adept at covering up the aspects of me that I don't want anyone to see... (example: I smoked pot for 3 years before my husband knew and even then, I had to tell him.)
BUT... now that I know, and I've let a little of my facade slip, I think I'm losing contact with it... it's like my stimming has increased to the point I can't cover any more and even I'm starting to be aware of it.
And I cry ALL the time.
And I can't focus on anything any more... it's like the depression is taking over and tearing down the mask I've worn for 48 years...the one that covers my Aspieness. I am failing at the job I've held for 11 years and I'm afraid I'm going to be let go.
What do you do when you just can't keep it inside anymore? I've set myself up to fail by pretending to be NT for so long and thinking I was doing a great job of acting... Well, I was. Too good. Now everybody is mad at me because I can't be that person any more. And I don't know what to do...
I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate dealing with everyone around me. My son calls me every day for money, my EX daughter in law calls every day for whatever reason. She is drama personified and I get stomach aches when I see her name on the caller ID. I do not have the ability to say no to their requests because I cannot lie. If they ask if I have $20, I can't say no when I know full well that I do and I can't deny them because they are so broke and I feel guilty if I say no. So now I'm broke, and my credit cards are maxed out and they still call every day and I just want to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me.
Thanks for letting me rant...
I'll be okay. |
Crap, I feel awful for you.
Piece of advice, exercise.
Stick to your routine.
_________________
"I watched a change in you, It's like you never had wings, now you feel so alive" |
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Mindsigh
Phoenix
Joined: May 30, 2012
Age: 46
Posts: 2656
Location: Ailleurs
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| Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 9:28 am Post subject: |
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| I'm so happy your interview went well. That gives me hope. I'm severely burnt-out at my job of 15 years but I don't interview well at all. Your story sounds a lot like mine. |
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Budfarmer
Blue Jay
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 78
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| Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:50 am Post subject: |
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VICTORY!
Okay, today I had a small victory. I have been in the same job for 12 years. For 10 of those years, I worked for a boss who didn't care where I sat or how I got the job done, as long as all my deadlines were met and everything was covered. It worked well for me because it allowed me to withdraw when the office got too noisy.
Then, 2 years ago I got a new boss and I'm been struggling ever since because he wants me in a cubicle where he knows where I am all the time. My cubicle was in a very noisy location and it has been detrimental to my work performance AND my health.
I finally broke down and had to reveal my AS and ask for help. And that still didn't make an impact. So I wrote a nice letter to HR, complete with a note from my doctor saying that I needed a workspace with minimal distractions.
Today, I am in my new cubicle, WITH A WINDOW, off in a quiet corner. I feel SO much better today!
_________________
I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you.
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AS quotient: Scored 42
Your Aspie score: 175 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 30 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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Senath
Deinonychus
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 357
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| Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 11:50 am Post subject: |
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Lovely! I consider that a big victory!   |
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Budfarmer
Blue Jay
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 78
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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Day 3 in the new space... it's amazing to me how much difference a little noise can make to an Aspie. I didn't realize just how draining it was on me to try and tune out all the chaos around me all the time. I had no idea how much physical energy was expended in just trying to pay attention to my job.
Now that I've been up here for 2 full days and most of a third, I can see a marked improvement in the quality AND quantity of my work. And I go home at the end of the day feeling like I got something done, rather than feeling like I'd been sucked dry for 8 hours. I am so glad I spoke up. It was VERY hard for me to do, and I sat at my desk and cried while I typed because I was feeling so miserable and hopeless.
My new space is right next to the corporate legal library, which is really just a glorified storage room for loads and loads of archives of legal documents from the company, but there is a scrumptiously dark nook I can go hide in if it gets to be too much again.
_________________
I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you.
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AS quotient: Scored 42
Your Aspie score: 175 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 30 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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SaNcheNuSS
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 01, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 499
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hyksos55
Deinonychus
Joined: May 16, 2012
Posts: 337
Location: Texas
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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Budfarmer that’s good news about your workplace. I’m happy for you.
Cheers
_________________
"The law is what we live with; justice is sometimes harder to achieve." Sherlock Holmes |
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KittenKat
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 25, 2012
Posts: 37
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Budfarmer wrote: |
My husband and I were talking about some of my challenges and I told him this: Imagine you have been walking up to the house every day for 20 years. Everyday, you stand on the door mat and unlock the door. Now imagine that one day, after 20 years, that doormat suddenly stands up and says that it is tired of being stepped on... You would be in shock! After 20 years, you never expected anything more from the doormat.
Well I've been covering up who I am for more than double 20 years. Now suddenly I'm tired of trying to be who I am not, and I am exhausted from the cover up. I just want to relax, understand who I really am, and be that person. And I just don't know how folks are going to react to the doormat deciding not to be a doormat anymore. |
Also late to the party :-/
This is one problem I've been thinking about a lot lately. I moved away from home for a year, didn't have much contact with my family, and since I lived at home and hardly did anything but my job (where I mostly just socialized with high schoolers and middle schoolers - who are so much more fun than adults!), I ended up with a lot of alone time. I really had the chance to just be me...as much as I can be. When I came back home though there was this gap between me and my family. My brother and I hardly ever talked anymore, and finally we discussed why we had grown so apart. Apparently he hadn't expected me to change much, and instead I had a life altering experience and am a completely different person! Except that person isn't a doormat, she's brash and opinionated and makes social faux pas all the time. Now my problem is that I don't know if I am I acting like a better person, or would it just be best if I kept my facade up? I honestly don't know if I even know who I am anymore!! Sometimes I feel like I'm living someone else's life. It's not that I don't like my life, I just feel like it's wrong, like I'm constantly being someone else who I've made up over the years so I could be 'normal'. How does one even go about trying to find out who they really are? At this point I don't know if I can even turn off my masks, they're just so integrated 
~K
_________________
AS: 156/200. NT: 50/200. |
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Budfarmer
Blue Jay
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 78
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:54 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry to be away for so long... life ran up and slapped me pretty hard the other day.
But KittenKat, that sums it up so much better than I've been able to. But I'm not going to get the opportuntity to be alone for long stretches to see who I can become. At least not for several years yet.
I had just begun to make some progress on carving out some "me" time each day when the fecal matter struck the indoor oscillating wind generator. I had a whole room in the house with nothing but what I wanted and no one entered my room without asking (all were welcome, so long as they asked first). This lasted about six weeks.
My son, his fiance, and their 9 week old daughter got evicted from their apartment. And of course, they had no where else to go... So now my wonderful room is filled to the brim with their stuff and the three of them are sleeping on a blow up mattress on the living room floor of my 900sq ft, 2 br mobile home. I already had my husband and two cats there. So we are packed to the gills at home, everything is in chaos, and I am only marginally maintaining. Having people and screaming babies and the TV and the computer and cell phones and talking and everything going on all the time is so physically exhausting for me. No matter how hard I try, I end up curled up in a fetal postion in my bed before 8:00 every evening and I get up at 4:30 am so that I can at least be alone in the quiet for a little bit. I hate my life.
_________________
I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you.
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AS quotient: Scored 42
Your Aspie score: 175 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 30 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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KittenKat
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 25, 2012
Posts: 37
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Budfarmer wrote: |
My son, his fiance, and their 9 week old daughter got evicted from their apartment. And of course, they had no where else to go... So now my wonderful room is filled to the brim with their stuff and the three of them are sleeping on a blow up mattress on the living room floor of my 900sq ft, 2 br mobile home. I already had my husband and two cats there. So we are packed to the gills at home, everything is in chaos, and I am only marginally maintaining. Having people and screaming babies and the TV and the computer and cell phones and talking and everything going on all the time is so physically exhausting for me. No matter how hard I try, I end up curled up in a fetal postion in my bed before 8:00 every evening and I get up at 4:30 am so that I can at least be alone in the quiet for a little bit. I hate my life. |
that's awful. *invisible hugs* You're in my prayers. It's so hard to find quiet time, and I'm seriously missing living alone right now. I'm managing, I think...but I also have a 45-min commute one way, so that helps me decompress before I get home, and means I get to bed early and up before everyone else too. I hate when other people are awake when I am. That's not how my morning should start off! My brother is starting school at the college I work at this Fall, and with gas prices, there's a good chance we'll car pool. He's not talkative in the mornings, but it's just the fact that there's someone beside me. He could not say a word and I'd still be agitated. I know financially I won't be able to leave for a few years, but I've got a plan, and that keeps me going. Most days  I know that I'll be able to actually be myself then, craziness and all. That is, if I get the nerve to tell my family I'm moving a thousand miles away. I love that we're close, but sometimes it's the hardest part of my life.
Maybe you could find a small activity to work on each day? Just go into your bedroom, lock the door, put in some headphones (even if it's just of crickets chirping or the wind blowing!), and spend a little time doing something of your own. Remember, it's your house, and they're your guests. Set up some house rules, and if you can't enforce them, maybe your husband can? Or the cats could? My cat is awesome when it comes to protecting me. He also might from Narnia though sooo....
Does your son and DIL work? Can they get section 8 housing?
~K
_________________
AS: 156/200. NT: 50/200. |
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Budfarmer
Blue Jay
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 78
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the moral support... I wish I could say I miss living on my own, but I never actually had that for myself. I never had the nerve. I did manage to cut down on some of the family chaos by moving with my hubby 1600 miles from the rest of my family. And it was just us and our son for several years but now my son has grown up and has adjuncts of his own (sorry... too much Star Trek... I think of my grandaughters as 3 of 5, and 5 of 5, secondary and tertiary adjuncts to Alpha One).
But I like the idea of projects and headphones with crickets... wonder if I really can find a decent recording of crickets for my ipod? LOL
To their credit, they signed up for Section 8 housing and are now on the waiting list. They got some temporary assistance from the state, they do get food stamps, and they are receiving WIC for their infant. AND, when I got home from work yesterday, they had done a lot of cleaning and organizing, including returning a large portion of "my room" to a usable state. I think hubby explained the importance of my room to them.
I totally feel you about having someone in the car with you on your commute. I too have a 45 minute commute and that is some of my most valued time. I enjoy munching my McD's sausage burritos and large coffee while listening to my audio book all the way in to work each morning... and I absolutely NEED my Pandora time to have a coke and a smoke on the ride home.
The thought of having someone in the car with me, ever, distresses me. "Daily" would put me over the edge.
{invisible hugs} back to you!
_________________
I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you.
-----------------------------------
AS quotient: Scored 42
Your Aspie score: 175 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 30 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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