Post 4708605 - (Not every smile means they like you!)

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Not every smile means they like you!

Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> Love and Dating

Sarah85
Butterfly

Joined: Jun 13, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 9
Location: Adelaide S.A

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 11:30 am Post subject: Not every smile means they like you!

Just like the rest of you here, I have a real problem reading people. A male smiles at me politely and my brain makes me think "oh maybe he likes me!". How do you learn to differentiate between politeness and actual interest? I've had relationships before and I have 3 children, but I can never make it work. Suddenly I find myself in love with my high school sweetheart all over again, but then I'll question if I really am in love again or just pining for the content feeling I got when we were together? Sorry this post is such a ramble, but how do you know when someone is interested? _________________ "Let the people mask you such that you become one with the crowd." ~Al Mualim.

TM
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 04, 2012
Posts: 2122

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 11:38 am Post subject:

Body Language: - Always view body language in clusters, as individual movements/mannerisms and such can give a false impression. - Always stay objective. - Always create a "baseline" for the person you are trying to read. In your case, look for his eyebrows to move upwards a little bit when he sees you, along with a smile. Manipulators or preening, IE adjusting his clothes, fixing his hair and so on. Eye contact, or attempts at eye contact. "Crotch displays" and aggressive posing. Him touching you. Him seeking contact with you out of the ordinary.

bizboy1
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Mar 24, 2012
Posts: 945
Location: California, USA

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 1:53 pm Post subject:

I don't know. Its like you are asking a bunch of blind people what the sky looks like. But I guess I can try, but I'm probably the worst at this stuff. Here are some things that might indicate a male might like you: 1) Smiles at you all the time 2) Talks smooth to you 3) Touches you 4) Gets close to you 5) Says obvious things that indicate he likes you 6) Gets nervous 7) Stutters Compliments you 9) Asks you to coffee or to study together 10) Follows you around/ "stalks you"

hartzofspace
Red Dragon
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Posts: 7577
Location: On the Road Less Traveled

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:18 pm Post subject: Re: Not every smile means they like you!

Sarah85 wrote:

Just like the rest of you here, I have a real problem reading people.

A male smiles at me politely and my brain makes me think "oh maybe he likes me!". How do you learn to differentiate between politeness and actual interest?
I've had relationships before and I have 3 children, but I can never make it work.
Suddenly I find myself in love with my high school sweetheart all over again, but then I'll question if I really am in love again or just pining for the content feeling I got when we were together?

Sorry this post is such a ramble, but how do you know when someone is interested?

This is so funny and frustrating at the same time! I remember mistaking mere politeness for liking, many times. Then I would be feeling like a fool because the male in question was just being nice. Like holding doors for me, or buying me a Coke on a hot day, or asking questions with polite interest, only to later mention their girlfriend, wife, or whatever.

I remember when I met my fiance, I started searching websites to learn what signs I should look for to see if he liked me. I'll tell you something interesting: some of those cues don't seem to apply to Aspie males! I once tried to follow some suggestions for determining signs of interest, like standing a little too close to see if he would be flattered. He promptly moved away from me. This was because he was leery of unexpected touch! I wonder if an NT would have moved away from me like that. I tried to watch his face for signs like the pupils dilating or the eyebrows going up but couldn't really tell. That's because I have trouble staring at people's eyes for any length of time.

I am glad we got together because if it was up to me waiting for a sign, I don't know what would have happened. Very Happy

Oh, well. Good luck with it!
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner

mds_02
Skank
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Joined: Sep 10, 2011
Posts: 1948
Location: Los Angeles

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 3:34 pm Post subject: Re: Not every smile means they like you!

hartzofspace wrote:

It doesn't change anything, but there's still a very good chance that these guys did indeed like you, even if they were not actually pursuing you as a partner.

Something I've noticed in men (and I'm not referring to guys who cheat, that's a whole separate issue) is that, even when in a relationship, we still tend to seek the approval of women we are attracted to.

Homer_Bob
Bazinga!
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Joined: Jan 06, 2009
Age: 24
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Location: New England

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:11 pm Post subject:

Trust me, we certainly wouldn't take a smile for granted. I always will assume someone smiling at me is just being friendly and nothing more. I mostly know that for sure because they often smile at other people in the same way. The only way I would know if this person really liked me is if I knew them well enough and they always smiled at me and not at others in the same way. That's pretty much all I've got. Other than that I'm clueless like the rest. _________________ I have to feel sorry for myself. I’m the only one who cares. Just like I’m the only one who’ll have sex with me. Excuse me. I’m going to go wander the streets alone. Invisible, unwanted and unloved, a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart. -Raj

hartzofspace
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Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:18 pm Post subject: Re: Not every smile means they like you!

mds_02 wrote:

hartzofspace wrote:

Thank you, that explains a lot. I used to get terribly confused when they were so nice and yet didn't seem to want to date me!
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner

Butters
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: Jun 10, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 63

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:39 pm Post subject:

NT prospective here. Now there's the polite smile, Normally a cordal short smile, most times involving a nod of the head which is out of politness often times occurs when in passing, ( such as in the hallway or school ect ) Now this is where it can be tough even for us sometimes. The " I like you smile " Normally lasts longer and contains eye contact which normally occurs when talking to OR if the person is observing you. If its a daily occurance I suggest talking to the person, if your shy, do it in small doses, like just saying " Hi " every once in a while If interested the person may come up to you and try to start a conversation OR they may be to shy to do so themselves ( I suppose it depends on the situation ) If thats the case and both people are too shy to strike up conversation, then as I said do small doses and go from there. Like saying " Hi " for a while and then moving up to " How are you? "

Smartalex
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: Apr 12, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 259

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 1:43 am Post subject:

sarah, relationships aren't built overnight and if he did like you, you could pick up were you left off. It doesn't matter what if he doesn't initially like you or not, just give it a shot.

Shebakoby
Phoenix
Phoenix

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Age: 40
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Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:26 am Post subject:

there's also the distinction of, they're nice to you because they have to be (i.e. because they are at work dealing with customers).

biostructure
Phoenix
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Joined: Dec 18, 2006
Age: 28
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Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 5:14 am Post subject:

It's interesting (and somewhat reassuring) that you have this problem as a woman, since I thought this was mainly a problem that men had when interpreting women. I think the answer depends on what "type" of guy he is--including whether he's aspie or NT. When I am just attracted (at least for the time being) to a woman's physical appearance, I'll often kind of scan her up and down with my eyes. When it's her mannerisms or personality that attract me, I will eventually do the "body scan" too (since the body is so important to sexuality), but I may wait quite a while if I'm more focused on her mind at the time, and I will try and make a personal conversation. By "personal" I mean trying to discuss things in a way that I normally wouldn't with others, trying to pick up on the idiosyncracies of her mind and mirror her quirks. Though I like girls who seem quirky/random so there's more opportunity for this. And, this creates a new question of "How do I tell if a girl is just on the same mental wavelength as me or is she attracted", which I still misjudge ALL the time. Anyway, I'm aspie--but NT guys I think are more likely to use socially conventional ways, like offering to buy you things, helping you out with stuff, and using more subtleties of expression that I don't pick up on.

League_Girl
Proud mamma
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Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13503
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Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 5:26 am Post subject:

I know people smile when they are happy. I didn't know it meant other things. Body language is confusing since it changes in every social situation and I found out when people laugh after saying something, it does not always mean they were joking. Now I have to ask if they are kidding or not. I do that to my husband quite a lot. I also can't tell if someone doesn't like me unless they make it that obvious. They would have to be mean to me or snotty or not nice or have negative opinions about me. Plus I also assume someone doesn't like me when we have had a conflict or with their friend. If someone is nice to me, I assume they like me. _________________ Titanic is a good diaper movie, lots of flooding

The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
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Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 1:42 pm Post subject:

Aspie moment.

bruinsy33
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Joined: Aug 01, 2011
Posts: 443

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 3:17 pm Post subject:

Homer_Bob wrote:

Trust me, we certainly wouldn't take a smile for granted. I always will assume someone smiling at me is just being friendly and nothing more. I mostly know that for sure because they often smile at other people in the same way. The only way I would know if this person really liked me is if I knew them well enough and they always smiled at me and not at others in the same way. That's pretty much all I've got. Other than that I'm clueless like the rest.

Yes,I am pretty clueless also.A girl once smiled at me and made eye contact while we were at a library.I approached her [rare for me ] engaged her and asked her out but was turned down politely.In hindsight,I did very well as far as approaching her and engaging.However,I really didn't have enough information to accurately access whether or not she had any interest in me.