humanoid1point0
Hummingbird
Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Age: 38
Posts: 18
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 Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 6:41 am Post subject: Do your friends dismiss your diagnosis? |
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I've told a handful of friends that I'm getting a diagnosis for Asperger's. Except for a friend that has an autistic child, everyone else has had the same reaction of "you can't possibly have it" or "why the hell would you do that?" and try to dismiss it very quickly. They say I'm too intelligent and that they've seen me in social situations and I'm not that awkward. None of them really know what Asperger's is and yet they have such emotional reactions to it.
Does anyone else find that friends act strange when learning about a diagnosis? Sometimes it feels like they take it personally and I can't figure out why that might be. |
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Chris71
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 25, 2011
Posts: 196
Location: Netherlands
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 7:52 am Post subject: |
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I think there will be quite a lot of members here on WP who can relate to your situation.
My other half thinks that my Aspie traits of shyness and social anxiety etc are caused by my upbringing : having a very silent single mother who's totally devoid of showing emotion, in a clinically silent household for the first 18 years of my life, and having never had a 'daddy figure' or other family relations in my life. She says I just don't put enough effort into showing interest in others and putting enough effort into keeping conversations going.
Who knows... In my particular case, she might be right.
_________________
AQ : 19/50
Phenotype : 89 aloof, 64 rigid, 65 pragmatic
Aspie score: 96 of 200
Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 129 of 200 |
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LookingLost
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 05, 2011
Posts: 157
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland, UK
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 8:19 am Post subject: |
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| I have had this reaction to, which has caused me just to stop telling people... |
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Senath
Deinonychus
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 357
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 8:50 am Post subject: |
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I get this from my roommate (who says things such as people with Asperger's can intensely concentrate on a subject at-will) , but the same roommate is always telling me how I'm the weirdest person he's ever met...
I was excited about telling people because I think it explains a lot of misunderstandings and awkwardness in my life, but people don't always know how to react to it. I told my fiance's friend and he said "Now that you mention it, I always thought there was something strange about you...". 
EDIT: I think the emotional reaction stems from them finding out that their reality of you may not be what they thought it was. |
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poppyfields
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 24, 2010
Posts: 328
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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| No, the handful of people who know said "that sounds about right". I don't talk about it constantly, or at all though. |
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Halligeninseln
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 23, 2011
Age: 59
Posts: 377
Location: Central Europe
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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I only have a partner and no friends at all  , but when I told her she said she was absolutely certain I had it. Since getting the diagnosis I have often questioned it but she remains adamant that it fits. On the other hand I don't know how anyone else would react because I haven't told them. I would imagine they wouldn't know what it was. In any case, I don't think I'll be telling anyone about it, just because they would misunderstand the whole issue. |
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Moondust
Phoenix
Joined: May 30, 2012
Age: 51
Posts: 1162
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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When I tell people I'm autistic (and diagnosed) they invariably insist it's impossible, then go on to blame me for each autistic trait I exhibit as me being purposefully mean. Insufficient or different eye contact pattern, inability for smalltalk, inability to play shallow, inability to navigate satisfactorily, prosopagnosia, oversensitivity to certain stimuli, blindness to unspoken rules, inner focus, etc. etc. So no use telling people, it doesn't make any difference. Since people only know head-banging and mutism as traits of Autism, they have no idea that the things they blame me for are actually the traits I was diagnosed with AS for, to start with. And what's worse, they don't want to know.
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There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats - Albert Schweitzer |
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Moonpenny
Raven
Joined: May 06, 2012
Posts: 121
Location: UK
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, quite definitely. And it's not because I'm an unusual example of someone with AS, it's because they don't know about how AS affects adult men and women. They just have a vague notion, gained from barely-remembered TV programmes or articles they read in the dentist's waiting room, and usually about how it affects children who haven't yet developed coping mechanisms – but they inevitably think they're reasonably well-informed.
I have a list of female AS traits, taken from www.help4aspergers.com , which I give to anyone I feel might really want to know – along with an explanation about how I give a performance when I'm with other people, and am only able to be my real self when I'm alone. If they're still doubtful, I point out that I'm in my 50s and have never yet managed to negotiate a romantic relationship beyond the first three weeks. It's actually this that usually begins to convince them! |
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humanoid1point0
Hummingbird
Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Age: 38
Posts: 18
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:03 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for all the responses. One of the curious things about this situation is that people really think they know me when what they see is such a controlled version of myself. I spent a good 15 years of my life just trying to fit in and appear normal that most people are fooled in social situations. What they don't see is the mental cost associated with fitting in and how in private I have zero energy to deal with all the stimuli and drama of people let alone any executive function outside the things that I know I need to do to survive.
I guess what is most surprising is that I feel compelled to tell my friends about it as though it's a load off my back. After discovering I have AS, the revelation is so strong for me that I can't control the compulsion to tell others. Honestly I don't know what reaction I'm looking for, but what I do know is that I don't like this universal reaction that AS is a disability and that because I appear to be successful. others automatically assume it can't possibly apply to me. I particularly don't like the feeling of having to convince people that there's "something wrong with me" when really I just wanted to share this feeling of relief with my friends. |
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moomoosnake
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 24, 2012
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:38 am Post subject: |
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I think I know how you feel, humanoid1point0. I feel strongly that what people see of me and how I am are two very different things. I am very highly strung in social situations, and while the casual observer may perceive me to be competent, I am not, and have merely discovered and honed mannerisms and 'social tics' that will allow me to pass by.
On the few occassions that I do share my diagnosis with personal friends, it tends to be met with incredulity, suspicion and sometimes resentment or disdain. I am not sure why this is, but I have some theories: firstly, I think AS, like many life-long mental conditions, can have a relatively subtle manifestation in older people (i.e. those that have developed coping mechanisms to subdue their more obvious traits), particularly in situations that are relatively stress-free. I find that my AS traits will come to the fore far more easily if I am upset, angry or out of my comfrot zone, which I try to hide from people in general. With that in mind, I think it's not too unsurprising that people react with surprise to a diagnosis. Secondly, through my diagnosis I have been given access to additional resources at school and university that have helped me cope with life and work. I think this can raise a person's suspicions about your diagnosis - my mum has told me before that if you are unconfident or defensive in sharing your diagnosis, people will tend to pick up on that lack of assertion and will root around for a reason behind it - apparently being generally anxious when socialising and talking to potential friends isn't enough sometimes! For that reason, when and how you choose to share it can have a big impact upon how it is perceived.
Typically, I think people tend to identify you by your body lanuage and what you say. That means, sadly, that if you are able to behave competently around them, and don't let your Aspie traits show through too often, then they are unlikely to perceive the problems that you have in presenting that side of you to them. Also, I think AS and learning disorders like dyslexia and dyspraxia are relatively 'new' things to many people, with our generation being one of the first to have grown up with them as relatively common. I think this takes adjusting to, and it will take time for the general public to understand what it means to have AS. After all, if you don't know anyone who has it, you might be tempted to think that we're all like Rain Man 
I hope that in time, a deeper understanding of what it means to have AS as an adult, and how and why one might want to get a diagnosis, might percolate through society! |
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Senath
Deinonychus
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 357
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Moonpenny wrote: | | I have a list of female AS traits, taken from www.help4aspergers.com , which I give to anyone I feel might really want to know – along with an explanation about how I give a performance when I'm with other people, and am only able to be my real self when I'm alone. If they're still doubtful, I point out that I'm in my 50s and have never yet managed to negotiate a romantic relationship beyond the first three weeks. It's actually this that usually begins to convince them! |
Thank's for the link. The "List of Female Asperger Traits" describes me quite well. I'm going to show this to my fiance, who thinks that the problem may be bi-polar disorder simply due to my meltdowns under stress. One of the only things that doesn't describe me is using fantasy/sci-fi books as a retreat. I enjoyed them as a child but now prefer non-fiction. |
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Mirror21
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 17, 2011
Age: 30
Posts: 1570
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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Things can get rough for a woman with AS. My female roommate told me she was disgusted with me coming to this site and "pretending" to have a problem. I am too smart and act well in public. My problems are willingness to be rude and being self-centered she says. She will not help me go get a diagnosis test, or anything and she is my only ride. Plus I love her and I try hard not to make her mad since she is my only friend.
I can definitely relate. Sometimes it feels there is no place to hide and be at peace, except alone. I wish it wasn't so. |
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Mirror21
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 17, 2011
Age: 30
Posts: 1570
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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| humanoid1point0 wrote: | | Honestly I don't know what reaction I'm looking for, but what I do know is that I don't like this universal reaction that AS is a disability and that because I appear to be successful. others automatically assume it can't possibly apply to me. I particularly don't like the feeling of having to convince people that there's "something wrong with me" when really I just wanted to share this feeling of relief with my friends. |
I feel the same way. I have decided that I will stop talking about it and come here when I can't be seen doing so and try to be quiet and reserved and to heck with them all after that. I can't handle it any other way anymore. |
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thewhitrbbit
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 2165
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:06 pm Post subject: |
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One one has acted strange really.
Responses range from
"I would never have suspected that" to "I always knew there was something about you, I just never knew the term"
Nothing offensive. |
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humanoid1point0
Hummingbird
Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Age: 38
Posts: 18
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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| moomoosnake wrote: | | I think AS, like many life-long mental conditions, can have a relatively subtle manifestation in older people (i.e. those that have developed coping mechanisms to subdue their more obvious traits), particularly in situations that are relatively stress-free. I find that my AS traits will come to the fore far more easily if I am upset, angry or out of my comfrot zone, which I try to hide from people in general. |
I agree. I was much more awkward and extreme in my teens and twenties. Now I more or less know how to do small talk, etc. although it has a high mental tax. I also show AS traits when I'm under stress or out of my comfort zone. It's funny because for the former, I am unable to keep my guard up and so the signs are more visible, whereas in the latter my guard is at 100% and the signs become more visible!
| Moonpenny wrote: | | They just have a vague notion, gained from barely-remembered TV programmes or articles they read in the dentist's waiting room, and usually about how it affects children who haven't yet developed coping mechanisms – but they inevitably think they're reasonably well-informed. |
I've seen this too. It also seems that when there are programs that dramatize AS, they tend to emphasize social interaction, whereas for me it's the fallout after the interaction that is traumatic. |
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