houseofpanda
Raven
Joined: Jun 07, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 114
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 Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Bunnynose wrote: | | Honestly read up on meth, like Frontline's coverage. |
| ooo wrote: | People who associate with druggies and/or are drunks themselves should never be allowed to set foot on your property, let alone live there. They need to get help (professionally) elsewhere. Both of these types of people are too big a liability.
You're potentially setting yourself up for huge liability in a number of ways.
You have a girl who has addict friends. |
We call him Meth-Teeth just because he has bad teeth and we're assholes. We doubt he's got a drug addiction. He works with his dad tarring blacktops every day, and if anything, he's just a redneck who doesn't brush every day....
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houseofpanda
Raven
Joined: Jun 07, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 114
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:18 am Post subject: |
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Given that she came from a "low" family, she's messy, brash, and irresponsible... so I'm going to try to help her adjust, and I think our new financial arrangement - if it takes at least - will give her the motivation she needs to stick with it. The day after the initial post, I believe, she went to see her family and get some more of her things. It was apparently a nightmare. I received some "please oh please don't kick me out" texts. I believe I may have mentioned that. She is afraid to be out on her own. There's a lot of responsibility in it, and I think she's becoming aware of how bad she is with responsibility. I'm easy to get along with and I take care of my bills. Her family is horrible to get along with, but take care of the bills. Anything outside of us is foreign territory, but she knows she likes getting along with me and having a relatively clean place to come home to. She simply has to learn to adjust to my household, and part of that is me coming halfway. Yes, it's my home, therefore hard-ass Aspie logic says MY RULES OR DIE. But that's kind of exactly why I think we Aspies don't have sh** for friends.
I proposed to her that she pay me a flat rate, double what I wanted before, which includes her portion of the rent, all utilities, internet, tv, etc., and my babysitting fee for 4 days a week. I told her which set days I would babysit every week, and if she is home from work on one of those days and can watch her son, then I don't "owe" her a day. Her counter-proposal was to pay me 1/4th of that amount on friday every week. This will net me an extra month's pay every year, and she wanted it that way so she always has spending money. She hasn't learned money management yet, and the idea of giving me the entire monthly flat-rate all at once and not having a paycheck for herself would kill her. We agreed to weekly payments for now and if it doesn't work out reasonably within the next couple weeks, I will either introduce a lease, or pack her things into my truck and drive them to her parents house while she's at work.
She's surprisingly not argumentative, which is kind of my biggest problem. Given that I can spot a deceiver from a mile away, and I'm skeptical of even my best friends' motives, I really felt I had that angle covered when I started this post. I know she's getting away with stuff. But the fun thing about me is, I call her out on it. And like I said before - I'm not averted to taking drastic measures. I'm just not as ready to pull the trigger as some of my advice-givers. I need to be 100% in the right first. After all, I live in a small town and have a sh** reputation already.
I deleted over half of this reply as I wrote it. It probably doesn't make sense now, but at least I was much less of a dick.
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ToughDiamond
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 60
Posts: 4751
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:14 am Post subject: |
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| houseofpanda wrote: | | Yes, it's my home, therefore hard-ass Aspie logic says MY RULES OR DIE. But that's kind of exactly why I think we Aspies don't have sh** for friends. |
I think all you're doing is setting reasonable boundaries. Let's face it, she's exploited you and all you're doing is to insist, in a civilised manner, on some kind of fair play and equity. Even at this juncture you've compromised on your original propsal. You may feel like you're being a hard bastard but really, judged from the outside, you have bent over backwards to be tolerant and flexible. Don't let her reactions make you feel too guilty........I'm sure you will feel like that, but recognise it for what it is........if she can make you feel like you're a meanie, she'll get more out of you. Compassion is a wonderful thing but I guess for some issues with some people, it's inappropriate. Somehow I find that hard to live with. I suppose I really hate people who don't show compassion when I can see how it would help. Didn't get much compassion as a child.
| Quote: |
I know she's getting away with stuff. But the fun thing about me is, I call her out on it. And like I said before - I'm not averted to taking drastic measures. I'm just not as ready to pull the trigger as some of my advice-givers. I need to be 100% in the right first. After all, I live in a small town and have a sh** reputation already. |
Hmmmm.........the benefit of the doubt can be expensive, but where would we be without it? I guess if she's being dishonest, as long as you feel you can spot it before it does any damage, yes that could have a fun element to it. I'm sure I can quite enjoy calling people out for dishonesty.
| Quote: | | It probably doesn't make sense now, but at least I was much less of a dick. |
Guilt, guilt, guilt.........what in the world do you think you have done wrong? IMHO your biggest mistake was to let her exploit you so much in the first place. You've lost a lot more than she has. She's the one acting like a dick. But yes, you'll feel self-loathing every time you have to be firm. It's very hard for a decent man to refuse to support a woman. |
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Verdandi
Miss Kitty Fantastico
Joined: Dec 08, 2010
Posts: 10181
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 7:14 am Post subject: |
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| houseofpanda wrote: |
She's surprisingly not argumentative, which is kind of my biggest problem. Given that I can spot a deceiver from a mile away, and I'm skeptical of even my best friends' motives, I really felt I had that angle covered when I started this post. I know she's getting away with stuff. But the fun thing about me is, I call her out on it. And like I said before - I'm not averted to taking drastic measures. I'm just not as ready to pull the trigger as some of my advice-givers. I need to be 100% in the right first. After all, I live in a small town and have a sh** reputation already. |
My interpretation of your initial post was that you had pulled the trigger and she was taking that as an opportunity to negotiate from there. My advice was based on that assumption.
To be fair, I think you would have been 100% in the right. |
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houseofpanda
Raven
Joined: Jun 07, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 114
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:30 pm Post subject: |
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| ToughDiamond wrote: | | Quote: | | It probably doesn't make sense now, but at least I was much less of a dick. |
Guilt, guilt, guilt.........what in the world do you think you have done wrong? IMHO your biggest mistake was to let her exploit you so much in the first place. You've lost a lot more than she has. She's the one acting like a dick. But yes, you'll feel self-loathing every time you have to be firm. It's very hard for a decent man to refuse to support a woman. |
Another sentence preceded that one, and it regarded deleting a lot of that reply as I was writing it, because I was being a jerk in the sections I cut out. Being much less of a dick (to all of you) was a result of deleting half of my reply. It was not about her. I have little to no guilt in the matter with her.
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houseofpanda
Raven
Joined: Jun 07, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 114
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Verdandi wrote: | My interpretation of your initial post was that you had pulled the trigger and she was taking that as an opportunity to negotiate from there. My advice was based on that assumption.
To be fair, I think you would have been 100% in the right. |
Thanks! But as it turns out, that extra negotiating she wanted may have hurt her in the end. The new deal goes into effect tomorrow - a deal that is not nearly as good for her as the last one - and we'll see at that time if she's going to stick to her guns or continue to try and 'negotiate' with me. Further negotiations ensure within my mind (as I play catch-up with all of you) that I am right in taking the next step: kicking her out. If she pays me, however, I start making some real money off of her, and I'll remember those dollar signs the next time she wants me to be her best friend instead of her landlord.
If she wanted to spend time with me before - see, this is the part where she's mistaken - she thought I was jumping at her every command, most likely. But I had very little else to do at the time. If she calls and asks if I'll be at my house in an hour, and I say, "yes, let's hang out," she's still the one putting in the legwork to come over. All I had to do was have lungs, a working heartbeat, and exist in the space I woke up in. Not Difficult. But she's used to guys going out of their way for her looks. And I think she mistook "me being available and home" for "me being gullible," which is honestly just silly.
If that's what was happening, she's up a creek without a paddle. Part of me wants to be a victor - I want her to have an excuse this Friday to not give me money, or give me something insulting - and that part of me isn't gonna step aside for any really good excuse.
I have become very anal about bill payment in the past year. It's a huge new obsession of mine. My office has two walls that are composed of floor-to-ceiling marker-board material, and on them I have my bills planned out in dry-erase marker, by paycheck, for approximately 3 months at all times. The $600/month I'll be getting from her, even if it ends up being $500 or $550/month at times due to groveling and bullsh**, is worth every penny as I see things. This was about friendship in the beginning, and since making this post, it's become almost entirely about money. If I don't have her money, I don't play her game. I'll be flexible on payments if I see progress. If I get another $40 on a Friday when I should be getting $150, and she goes shopping instead, well, that really says a lot about all this friendship-hostaging she's been doing. Anyway, now I'm just repeating myself. TTYL
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Verdandi
Miss Kitty Fantastico
Joined: Dec 08, 2010
Posts: 10181
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 12:30 am Post subject: |
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Here's hoping things turn out well, then.  |
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Bunnynose
Sea Gull
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 200
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:31 am Post subject: |
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So this thread really wasn't about saying goodbye to a friend but rather saying hello to you, the user of a user.
I can dig it. |
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houseofpanda
Raven
Joined: Jun 07, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 114
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Bunnynose wrote: | So this thread really wasn't about saying goodbye to a friend but rather saying hello to you, the user of a user.
I can dig it. |
This thread helped me see my limitations, make some adjustments, and learn where I stand on the as*hole spectrum. Many of the replies made me feel like I wasn't being an as*hole at all for the things I was considering doing. But considering them, and actually putting them into motion, are two different things. I got things with her to a place I can currently manage, and I'm less apprehensive about taking any further steps if they're needed, and I feel like those actions are backed by the crowd here at WP. If I need to course-correct again and I'm at a loss as to how to do that, I'll come here and ask.
I don't see how charging for rent and babysitting makes me a user. These are things you typically pay for in one way or another, and I'd rather get cash from her than use her in other ways.
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ToughDiamond
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 60
Posts: 4751
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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As far as I can see from what you've told us, I think you've been more than fair. She might try to undermine the new deal........it won't be easy for her to adjust from the favourable position she enjoyed before. But I think we all have a right to some kind of parity in basic human relations, and it really wasn't even stephen before.
Hope your kind but firm behaviour continues, and I hope she grows from the experience. |
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Bunnynose
Sea Gull
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 200
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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| houseofpanda, kudos to you. You're not an as*hole and you're not a user. Definitely you're a man who sticks up for himself and negotiate terms that benefit you without being mean, petty or cruel. If you can, please forgive my choice of words. I was out of line. |
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houseofpanda
Raven
Joined: Jun 07, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 114
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:40 am Post subject: |
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| ToughDiamond wrote: | As far as I can see from what you've told us, I think you've been more than fair. She might try to undermine the new deal........it won't be easy for her to adjust from the favourable position she enjoyed before. But I think we all have a right to some kind of parity in basic human relations, and it really wasn't even stephen before.
Hope your kind but firm behaviour continues, and I hope she grows from the experience. |
[totally-gay-but-sincere]Thanks for the encouragement![/totally-gay-but-sincere]
She paid me her portion of rent last Friday, and today she asked me if she could give me $100+ in addition to her rent every week to essentially "keep from her." I'm glad to see that she recognizes an inability to save money in herself, and she wants to do something about it. If you're raised poor, you learn poor. I think to truly beat it, she has to do it herself, but I admire that she's trying. I can do this for her, but I don't think it's a solution. That old "teach a man to fish" proverb, *insert here.*
And she also mentioned switching from 2nd shift to 1st so she could spend more time with her son, but I also think (not begrudgingly at all) that her primary motivation is to get him in daycare, which would be free for her (our community is wealthy, and we poor people benefit nicely.) We discussed what I would charge for rent without babysitting fees included, and I think that was her goal. I think it's a good goal for her in a lot of ways outside of money, too, so I know it's not just about reducing her rate with me. But like you said, she might try to get out of the deal. At least it was within the rules of not-being-a-dickish-roommate AM I RIGHT???
Oh, and the reduced rate is fine with me. I'll see her more often, which will encourage me to get out more; (I like spending time with her but I don't want to be a fixture in my house and smother her) I'd like to get more exercise, maybe take up tennis (oh, right, that requires 2 people,) or maybe just more biking. I can handle getting less money from her because I'd only expected X amount of rent from any other renter in the first place. Plus if her and I want to do something like drive to Green Bay, it'll be a lot easier if she gets off work at 3:30pm.
Plus... I don't want to get too attached to her son. He's too great. I hate kids and I'm afraid of them. But he's so easy and I think the best of him. I actually like giving up a chunk of my day to take him to the park or go swimming. People always ask me "about my son." ...and I don't need that right now. Leaves a hole. [awkward] Issues.... [/awkward]
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houseofpanda
Raven
Joined: Jun 07, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 114
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:43 am Post subject: |
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| Bunnynose wrote: | | houseofpanda, kudos to you. You're not an as*hole and you're not a user. Definitely you're a man who sticks up for himself and negotiate terms that benefit you without being mean, petty or cruel. If you can, please forgive my choice of words. I was out of line. |
And now you're not an as*hole either! Apology accepted. Hey I live on the other side of the line. You're a bigger man than me. Um, well, there are many things not right with that statement, but you get it.... And if you don't, don't worry about it.
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Bunnynose
Sea Gull
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 200
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 2:28 pm Post subject: |
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| lol. Not an as*hole am I! Just your everyday, garden variety, Aspie know-it-all, thank you very much. |
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CyborgUprising
Sgt. Sarcasm
Joined: Jun 17, 2012
Posts: 2897
Location: auf der Fahrt durch Niemandsland
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 9:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Ulgh! I can't live with someone else. However, if I had to live with a roommate, I'd choose someone who doesn't watch TV, listen to music (at least not loudly), and doesn't have others visit. |
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