Mirror21
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 17, 2011
Age: 30
Posts: 1563
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 Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 6:33 pm Post subject: New Poem: Surgical Cruelty |
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I would like some feedback on the word flow.
Surgical Cruelty with no anesthetics
I have survived the flames so many times
Words that turn to frowns and leave me scarred
I wonder if I could find a way to hide them all
Why do you have to believe the worst of me
When I tried to share the best of me
Crawling inside my mind so many times
So many words that never satisfied
Precision is the name of the game
And I am too tired to play
But the chips are on the table
Throw your cards, my hands are empty |
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auntblabby
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief
Joined: Feb 13, 2010
Posts: 18086
Location: the island of loveable toy humans
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 6:30 am Post subject: Re: New Poem: Surgical Cruelty |
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| Mirror21 wrote: | I would like some feedback on the word flow.
Surgical Cruelty with no anesthetics
I have survived the flames so many times
Words that turn to frowns and leave me scarred
I wonder if I could find a way to hide them all |
i'm no poet, but here is my suggestion, per your request, submitted for your approval- changes in bold
surgical cruelty with no anesthetics
i survived the knives so many times
words that turn to frowns and leave me with scars
i wonder, could i find a way to hide them all?
| Mirror21 wrote: | Precision is the name of the game
And I am too tired to play
But the chips are on the table
Throw your cards, my hands are empty |
Precision is the name of the game
But I am too tired to play
Still the chips are on the table
Throw down your cards, my hand is empty
i just nibbled 'round the edges. hope that is ok with you  |
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aspiegod
Emu Egg
Joined: May 15, 2012
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 12:54 am Post subject: |
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| Aspie poemz take a while to mature., grow it up into art ., then post will ya.,., |
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