DonQuoteme
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 41
Location: Brisbane, Qld, Australia
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 Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:41 am Post subject: |
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I can relate to what all of you are saying. I'd made the error of stereotyping what it meant to be non-hetero, and found myself an outcast from all of society. Then when I recently realised I had Aspergers, it helped me to understand why I didn't fit in.
The lesson for me is that everyone is a unique product of whatever led them to this point in their lives. It's possible to conform to a stereotype, but it takes a lot more courage to just be an individual. Labels such as gay / bi / hetero / Aspergers etc have their place and can help us to understand why we're different, how we tick, and our potential limitations, but they don't have to completely define us or slot us into a particular box.
However as a unique individual you run the risk of not being easily identified by others, and you may be rejected as an outcast for not fitting others' definition of gay or whatever. Being unique can make for a lonely existence unless you can find someone who is comfortable with uniqueness. |
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auntblabby
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief
Joined: Feb 13, 2010
Posts: 18116
Location: the island of loveable toy humans
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:24 am Post subject: |
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| salem44dream wrote: | | auntblabby wrote: | i don't really sync up well with the gay culture either.  it's like we are on totally different wavelengths or something like that.  i get along far better with my fellow aspies at the meetups, though  - thank god for small favors  |
Do you have the meetup link? Thanks! |
the meetups are at evergreen state college, in olympia, washington state. they are held at 1PM the first and third saturdays of each month [most of the time] and held in the staff lounge across from the cafeteria which is across from the student rec center, and opposite the clock tower/red square. THIS is the meetup.com link (clicky) |
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visagrunt
Polymath
Joined: Oct 17, 2009
Age: 45
Posts: 5754
Location: Vancouver, BC
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:21 am Post subject: |
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I'm 45, and was not diagnosed until I was in my late 30's.
My story is no less complex than anyone else's.
I self-identified as gay fairly early--at twelve--at there was never any doubt about my orientation. I might not have been pleased about it, but I certainly knew it for what it was and for its immutability. I went to an all-boys school--and academically gifted environment in which I was roundly bullied. I used to believe that it was my sexuality--though I wasn't out, everyone simply assumed. But with hindsight, it was the AS, not the sexuality that was the key. My classmates who were also gay did not experience the same treatment for our peers, even those whose sexuality was as or more apparent than mine.
I finished school and went to university at 15. Another error, perhaps, in hindsight--leaving me some 3 or 4 years younger that many of my peers there. But while there, I finally started to clue in on some of lessons that others had learned far earlier in childhood. I have never been overtly social, but since university I have managed to cultivate a small group of friends. All of my friends have come into my circle through my hobbies and pastimes--most often theatre.
Which is why I maintain that children's theatre saved my life. It taught me the basic skills of interacting with a scene partner. It taught me to understand gesture, facial expression and body language from the other side (I know that this character is fed up with my character--what is my fellow actor doing to show this?) It taught me to control my own instrument: vocal volume, tone and projection; movement, gesture and facial expression.
I am still impeded by AS, but the only person who see it in its truest manifestation is the man I have lived with for 21 years. When I am tired, frustrated or under stress, my coping mechanisms give way, and the old problematic behaviours manifest themselves again. But those who see me day to day see the character that I portray each day when I walk out the front door and onto the stage.
_________________
--James |
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auntblabby
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief
Joined: Feb 13, 2010
Posts: 18116
Location: the island of loveable toy humans
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:38 am Post subject: |
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^^^
you are indeed a gifted and fortunate man, precocious in youth and very high-functioning as an adult. would that i could be likewise. |
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salem44dream
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 22, 2012
Posts: 646
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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| shampooguru wrote: | | I just knew that I was terribly out of touch with those around me and always felt like an outsider. My earliest relationships were doomed, because I pushed too hard and ultimately smothered those I professed to love. Later, when I was the one pursued, I had trouble trusting in my partners’ intentions and believed that it was just a matter of time until these relationships would also end. As a result, I became distant and reclusive and brought about the very outcome that I feared. |
That's exactly the point I'm at now.
| shampooguru wrote: | | The awareness that I have Asperger's Syndrome doesn't excuse my past behavior or short comings, but it does give me clarity and the self-awareness to hopefully avoid repeating my past patterns and mistakes. My current relationship, though not perfect, is rewarding and loving, and though neither of us is without our personal challenges, we complement each other and gain strength from one another. While I still long for the social construct of friendships that others may take for granted, it is enough to know that I have one person that I can count on who cares enough to try to understand me even when my behavior defies explanation. |
I think I do feel a little bit excused from my past behavior once I got the diagnosis. You may not agree, but everything kind of fell into place and I had a number of "aha!" moments about many social situations in my life that went sour. I always blamed myself back then, but now not so much. Also, it's interesting that there is no medication for Asperger's. I feel hopeful, though, because it's not as bad as full-blown autism where you really can't even take the initiative to learn how to make some changes. The behavioral changes may not get to the core problem, but nevertheless they make life easier. The things I've done so far (and all while not knowing it was Asperger's) have been CBT for making more eye contact, medication, and therapy. |
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salem44dream
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 22, 2012
Posts: 646
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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| visagrunt wrote: | | I self-identified as gay fairly early--at twelve--at there was never any doubt about my orientation. I might not have been pleased about it, but I certainly knew it for what it was and for its immutability. I went to an all-boys school--and academically gifted environment in which I was roundly bullied. I used to believe that it was my sexuality--though I wasn't out, everyone simply assumed. But with hindsight, it was the AS, not the sexuality that was the key. My classmates who were also gay did not experience the same treatment for our peers, even those whose sexuality was as or more apparent than mine. |
Another thing I never thought about until I read your post ... I was bullied, too, but it very well good have been the AS, not being gay.
| visagrunt wrote: | | Which is why I maintain that children's theatre saved my life. It taught me the basic skills of interacting with a scene partner. It taught me to understand gesture, facial expression and body language from the other side (I know that this character is fed up with my character--what is my fellow actor doing to show this?) It taught me to control my own instrument: vocal volume, tone and projection; movement, gesture and facial expression. |
Rats ... my parents were conservative and overly religious, and I had to sit out while my classmates danced and did plays. I didn't understand that, and I think they did me a great disservice now by not letting me participate.
| visagrunt wrote: | | But those who see me day to day see the character that I portray each day when I walk out the front door and onto the stage. |
I could live with that! Although I do see how one can't maintain that level at all times, especially with a partner. When you come home at the end of the day, you want to just be yourself. Although, for me, I'm sick of it being myself by myself ... |
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visagrunt
Polymath
Joined: Oct 17, 2009
Age: 45
Posts: 5754
Location: Vancouver, BC
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 12:26 pm Post subject: |
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| salem44dream wrote: | | Rats ... my parents were conservative and overly religious, and I had to sit out while my classmates danced and did plays. I didn't understand that, and I think they did me a great disservice now by not letting me participate. |
It's never too late. If you have an active community centre or community theatre group in your area, they may well offer workshops or hobby courses for adults. And I can tell you that older men are like gold in theatre--I was never cast so often as when I stopped competing for romantic leads, and moved into the age cohort where I am competing for character parts and dramatic leads.
Singing lessons are great for learning vocal control, dance classes are great for developing physical control, and scene study or script reading workshops are great for learning the dynamics of scenes. And more importantly, they bring you into contact with people who are interested in the same things.
| visagrunt wrote: | | I could live with that! Although I do see how one can't maintain that level at all times, especially with a partner. When you come home at the end of the day, you want to just be yourself. Although, for me, I'm sick of it being myself by myself ... |
Well, you know what Atwood says: there's a cure for Asperger's, it's called closing the door. When I am home, I am not on stage, and I don't perform in front of the people around me in my home.
_________________
--James |
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BRCub
Emu Egg
Joined: Aug 12, 2012
Age: 39
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 1:21 am Post subject: |
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I'm 39 and I live in Brazil. And yes my conversations almost always fall flat as well  . To make things worse I find most subjects of conversations within the gay community incredibly boring. I think this is the main reason I am becoming even more reclusive day by day.
I have learned to "social interact" a little. But it's really exhaustive, although I'm somewhat used to listening while paying attention to facial expressions, it's a total hassle if I try to speak and try to look into the eyes, and my responses seems to go a little overboard or are too shallow, I haven't figured out how to properly dose them, unless I am used to them.
I've had some relationships in the past, even before the diagnostic, including one that lasted 7 years but ended with complaints of "lack of attention" and interest. Another one lasted 3 years, that partner loved emotional games, and it seemed he was only satisfied when he got intense emotional responses, it was very hard for me and I could only allow them to come out as bursts or explosions, while I think he was good with it that wasn't the case for me so I decided to end it.
Nowadays I am avoiding relationships as my work is requiring a lot of social interaction, a lot of emotional and anxiety control, while not doing anything that I really like, and I simply don't have energy to keep doing the same when I arrive home. |
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auntblabby
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief
Joined: Feb 13, 2010
Posts: 18116
Location: the island of loveable toy humans
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| Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 12:36 am Post subject: |
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| BRCub wrote: | | I'm 39 and I live in Brazil. And yes my conversations almost always fall flat as well . To make things worse I find most subjects of conversations within the gay community incredibly boring. I think this is the main reason I am becoming even more reclusive day by day. |
hiya BRCub welcome to our cool club  a lot of the currency of hip urban gay culture leaves me cold as well. |
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