ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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 Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:24 am Post subject: |
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I have thought long and hard about that. Yes I do, only if she accepts my AS .
Which is the only way she would reconcile anyhow I think.
She was on the verge of a breakdown, I am supporting her for the next few months. May bite me later also |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:26 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | I have thought long and hard about that. Yes I do, only if she accepts my AS .
Which is the only way she would reconcile anyhow I think.
She was on the verge of a breakdown, I am supporting her for the next few months. May bite me later also |
what do you mean by "accepts my AS"? i mean, what specific conditions are you looking for?
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:27 am Post subject: |
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| I'll post a detailed update shortly |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:04 am Post subject: |
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Some of this has been on another thread but here is the details of my marriage in point form
2004- wife says simething wrong with you. she accepts my apologies for my Behaviour
2009- see a counselor for a few sessions. Says my behaviour stems back to my family ( non emotional people). No mention of AS
Dec 2011- wife reads about AS says that's me. I see a shrink and end up at a counsellor who specializes in AS. See her monthly by myself.
Feb 2012- wife finds an investment property. Tells me worst case scenario she can live there as she is having trouble with my AS. Can imagine me picking her up there for dates.
Mar 2012- tenants move in to investment property. We are seeing counsellor together. I spend a few nights a week at mums.
may 2012- tells tenants to get out. I live with my sister and bro in law. We separate. Counsellor tells me that wife as not made mind up on our relationship, needs time out in own house to think.
Problems identified as controlling , tight with $, lacks emotion, intimacy etc. agree and need to work on.
June 2012 - here we are . Separate houses, no financial split, neither of us want that. Limbo land. If I mention anything about the future I get nothing, no promises, no hope offered. Just responses don't push me, won't like the response. Let's play out and see what happens. After move out house becomes pigsty, wife not coping. Asks me to support her via her not working for next 6 months, being a mum, having son most ofhuge timeI say ok, next day house is clean and she feels better.
Still seeing counsellor either separately or together.
My dilemma ? I'm devastated . Just when I finally accepted how I was different , have a mental ilness and looked to make improvements she told me can't help and I have to do by myself.
Move on or live my life but hope. Friends 50/50 each action.
I am concerned that the whole breakdown is being blamed on me
Me I choose hope. Will change for me, not for her because I want to change for me
Could I get hurt- for sure.
What must she do- must accept will always have AS but am working to change myself. Better communication needed from both of us. Many women can accept that and return to marriage, not sure about my wife,
Opinions ? How do you think will play out?
Last edited by ozman on Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:07 am; edited 1 time in total |
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AScomposer13413
Complacent Composer
Joined: Feb 02, 2012
Posts: 2047
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:04 am Post subject: |
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| again_with_this wrote: | | If you ever read support group forums for NT wives with AS husbands, what you'll see is that they'll list all of their grievances online. However, generally speaking, most of these women never actually told their husbands about any of these things. Sure, some AS husbands may have been unwilling to listen, but these NT wives didn't even bother to articulate any of their grievances directly to their husband, but they post them online after-the-fact. Most will argue, "oh, he should have know, I gave him plenty of hints," but none of them ever directly said anything, then decide one day they'd had enough. They never factor themselves into the equation of the failed marriage. |
I wonder how different their reactions would be if they came on this forum. The posts here from the NT partner of an NT-AS relationship have turned out for the most part positive, for both the person in the relationship and the users who decide to their commentary. Maybe with that extra push to do research from those who have, most of the relationships could be saved??? |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:07 am Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | ozman wrote: | I have thought long and hard about that. Yes I do, only if she accepts my AS .
Which is the only way she would reconcile anyhow I think.
She was on the verge of a breakdown, I am supporting her for the next few months. May bite me later also |
what do you mean by "accepts my AS"? i mean, what specific conditions are you looking for? |
I don't want to speak for OP, however, in a heterosexual relationship between an AS man and an NT woman, the gist of "accepting AS" boils down to an understanding on the part of the NT wife that she may have to actually "spell things out" for her husband, or directly tell him how she's feeling, as opposed to "dropping hints" and faulting him for not picking up on them. Many NT women take personal offense to what they feel should be obvious to their AS husband. Acceptance of AS would mean accepting that these things may not be obvious, and that she'll have to learn to accept that, and not be insulted when he "just doesn't get" her non-verbal subtly.
There are numerous posts on this site dealing with this topic. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:09 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | Some of this has been on another thread but here is the details of my marriage in point form
2004- wife says simething wrong with you. she accepts my apologies for my Behaviour
2009- see a counselor for a few sessions. Says my behaviour stems back to my family ( non emotional people). No mention of AS
Dec 2011- wife reads about AS says that's me. I see a shrink and end up at a counsellor who specializes in AS. See her monthly by myself.
Feb 2012- wife finds an investment property. Tells me worst case scenario she can live there as she is having trouble with my AS. Can imagine me picking her up there for dates.
Mar 2012- tenants move in to investment property. We are seeing counsellor together. I spend a few nights a week at mums.
may 2012- tells tenants to get out. I live with my sister and bro in law. We separate. Counsellor tells me that wife as not made mind up on our relationship, needs time out in own house to think.
Problems identified as controlling , tight with $, lacks emotion, intimacy etc. agree and need to work on.
June 2012 - here we are . Separate houses, no financial split, neither of us want that. Limbo land. If I mention anything about the future I get nothing, no promises, no hope offered. Just responses don't push me, won't like the response. Let's play out and see what happens. After move out house becomes pigsty, wife not coping. Asks me to support her via her not working for next 6 months, being a mum, having son most ofhuge timeI say ok, next day house is clean and she feels better.
Still seeing counsellor either separately or together.
My dilemma ? I'm devastated . Just when I finally accepted how I was different , have a mental ilness and looked to make improvements she told me can't help and I have to do by myself.
Move on or live my life but hope. Friends 50/50 each action.
I am concerned that the whole breakdown is being blamed on me
Me I choose hope. Will change for me, not for her because I want to change for me
Could I get hurt- for sure.
What must she do- must accept will always have AS but am working to change myself. Better communication needed from both of us. Many women can accept that and return to marriage, not sure about my wife,
Opinions ? How do you think will play out? |
Yes will my wife accept that she has to tell me emotions rather than me guessing. |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:10 am Post subject: |
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| AScomposer13413 wrote: | | I wonder how different their reactions would be if they came on this forum. The posts here from the NT partner of an NT-AS relationship have turned out for the most part positive, for both the person in the relationship and the users who decide to their commentary. Maybe with that extra push to do research from those who have, most of the relationships could be saved??? |
The NT wives who consciously chose to come to this site are looking for feedback from people with Asperger's. If they're open to seeing it from an AS perspective, many of these NT wives do have a revelation of sorts where the realize, "oh my god, you're right, I never did actually tell him any of these things, and would never have thought to had you people on wrong planet not pointed it out."
The forums for NT wives of AS husbands tend to be pity parties where the NT wife doesn't want to hear that she could possibly be part of the problem.
I think these women make up their minds before coming to either forum. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:13 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | Some of this has been on another thread but here is the details of my marriage in point form
2004- wife says simething wrong with you. she accepts my apologies for my Behaviour
2009- see a counselor for a few sessions. Says my behaviour stems back to my family ( non emotional people). No mention of AS
Dec 2011- wife reads about AS says that's me. I see a shrink and end up at a counsellor who specializes in AS. See her monthly by myself.
Feb 2012- wife finds an investment property. Tells me worst case scenario she can live there as she is having trouble with my AS. Can imagine me picking her up there for dates.
Mar 2012- tenants move in to investment property. We are seeing counsellor together. I spend a few nights a week at mums.
may 2012- tells tenants to get out. I live with my sister and bro in law. We separate. Counsellor tells me that wife as not made mind up on our relationship, needs time out in own house to think.
Problems identified as controlling , tight with $, lacks emotion, intimacy etc. agree and need to work on.
June 2012 - here we are . Separate houses, no financial split, neither of us want that. Limbo land. If I mention anything about the future I get nothing, no promises, no hope offered. Just responses don't push me, won't like the response. Let's play out and see what happens. After move out house becomes pigsty, wife not coping. Asks me to support her via her not working for next 6 months, being a mum, having son most ofhuge timeI say ok, next day house is clean and she feels better.
Still seeing counsellor either separately or together.
My dilemma ? I'm devastated . Just when I finally accepted how I was different , have a mental ilness and looked to make improvements she told me can't help and I have to do by myself.
Move on or live my life but hope. Friends 50/50 each action.
I am concerned that the whole breakdown is being blamed on me
Me I choose hope. Will change for me, not for her because I want to change for me
Could I get hurt- for sure.
What must she do- must accept will always have AS but am working to change myself. Better communication needed from both of us. Many women can accept that and return to marriage, not sure about my wife,
Opinions ? How do you think will play out? |
it looks like your marital problems pre-dated your diagnosis.
are you still in love with her?
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:17 am Post subject: |
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OP, your wife is part of the problem when she tells you "don't push me" and seemingly isn't willing to give you an answer. This is typical for the NTs, but I fault her as this is part of the problem. So no, it's not just you in this case. I'm saying that to patronize you, I really mean it. Your wife's finicky emotions are part of the problem.
Ultimately, it will boil down to how her separated life is going. If she can find a man who she likes better, or she becomes self-sufficient, she probably won't come back to you. If she's struggling, she may see tolerating your AS as a necessary evil. Plus, there's a child involved. That said, I think it's clear she's not happy about the fact that her husband has AS and ideally would end the marriage. She may work with you out of necessity, but if she had her needs met and could get a clean divorce, she probably would.
Just my opinion. Sorry to sound cynical. Just being honest. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:22 am Post subject: |
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Yes, more now that I have the diagnosis and realise how I wasn't meeting her needs. The reality is ( and I have explained this to our councillor) is that I can totally put myself in her shoes and realise what I was doing 'wrong'. I will never be perfect but I will be a lot better. My friends have noticed and wife also how far I have come.
The sad thing is just as I am doing this my wife distances herself from me and says cruel things like you had your chance 8 years ago. I just hope it's not to late because I still feel there is some hope for us if she can see past the AS. Maybe she needs time away to cool down for the anger she feels to me as a result of the AS over the years. I can understand that. But I still could leave with nothing |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:25 am Post subject: |
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| again_with_this wrote: | OP, your wife is part of the problem when she tells you "don't push me" and seemingly isn't willing to give you an answer. This is typical for the NTs, but I fault her as this is part of the problem. So no, it's not just you in this case. I'm saying that to patronize you, I really mean it. Your wife's finicky emotions are part of the problem.
Ultimately, it will boil down to how her separated life is going. If she can find a man who she likes better, or she becomes self-sufficient, she probably won't come back to you. If she's struggling, she may see tolerating your AS as a necessary evil. Plus, there's a child involved. That said, I think it's clear she's not happy about the fact that her husband has AS and ideally would end the marriage. She may work with you out of necessity, but if she had her needs met and could get a clean divorce, she probably would.
Just my opinion. Sorry to sound cynical. Just being honest. |
She will be self sufficient for sure. Maybe not with $ though. I don't want her just to one back just for that reason though. It still irks me immensely that just when u find a solution they bail.
I personally think it is pretty lame to permanently leave a relationship just when someone is seeking to atone. Take a break for sure, but leave without giving another try is very poor form
Last edited by ozman on Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:32 am; edited 1 time in total |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:34 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | | Take a break for sure, but leave without giving another try is very poor form |
Yes, but in a greater sense, it's indicative of how she's really feeling. She's leaning more towards it being over than being salvageable. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:38 am Post subject: |
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She probably is leaning that way but still won't pull the it's over trigger, but I hope not. She is happy for me to provide support etc in other ways $ . She has been extremely scared that my family will rally behind me and steamroll her. She does not talk to her family and has not for years.
Can u tell I'm a little bitter that I may not get a second chance. All people I honestly ask say I am owed that_ even if just a few dates to test the water.
My wife doesn't even like my family. They are to emotionally cold for her
I really want to save my marriage and am doing everything I can. I can hold my head high knowing I have/am doing my best , not sure if she is trying or even entertaining the notion of her having responsibility
Last edited by ozman on Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:52 am; edited 1 time in total |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 1:49 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | She probably is leaning that way but still won't pull the it's over trigger, but is happy for me to provide support etc in other ways $ . She has been extremely scared that my family will rally behind me and steamroll her. She does not talk to her family and has not for years.
Can u tell I'm a little bitter that I may not get a second chance. All people I honestly ask say I am owed that_ even if just a few dates to test the water.
My wife doesn't even like my family. They are to emotionally cold for her |
Yes, you're wife is a problem. Yes, you have a right to be bitter. I think part of it is you're scared that if you confront her directly, it may hasten her desire to have a divorce. I'm saying the desire for divorce is already there and she's looking for excuses and a security blanket.
Ask yourself: Do you want to keep this up?
I know you're weary of divorce, but someone has to do something here. Someone has to take some sort of action. It's clearly not going to be your wife. So you can flat out tell her "Look, I wanna make this work, but you're not doing your part." Maybe that'll be the catalyst to help you both progress and fix the marriage, or maybe it'll be the excuse that she uses as "the straw the broke the camel's back" for divorce. Regardless, if you don't do something, you're just going to remain in limbo.
So you options are: 1) Gamble and see if the marriage improves or you get divorced. 2) Remain in static limbo.
All I can tell you is static limbo isn't magically going to go away. You'll have to be proactive and direct, and that may lead to divorce, but nothing will change either way if you tolerate static limbo. |
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