Giftorcurse
In a perpetual state of stage fright.
Joined: Apr 14, 2009
Age: 19
Posts: 2446
Location: Port Royal, South Carolina
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 Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:57 pm Post subject: What am I going through? |
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I have no idea how to describe the physical/emotional embarrasment and pain that I am going through. The best I can do is to list the symptoms.
-It is common knowledge on this website that I have suffered from depression for a very long time, since early 2009. In early May, I attempted suicide, but I've gotten better since then, and my subsequent graduation from high school seems to have dulled it considerably. Today, however, I am not in a talking mood. At about 10:00 this morning, I became mentally exhausted at work. I got chewed out by the staff on the floor as a result, and that left me in bad humor. I felt humiliated, stupid, lazy, worthless. I was angry. These feelings subsided, but have returned.
-I just got back from eating at my local Olive Garden, where I puked up a storm in the men's restroom, with by Dad watching with near-total apathy.
-A little known fact about me is that I have a body dysmorphic disorder, which I have self-diagnosed. In general, I loathe the way that I look. I wish sometimes, I can shed ninety pounds overnight. I currently weigh about 220.
-I masturbate frequently, but have experienced a serious decrease in semen. Last night, nothing came out at all. My testicles hurt, and feel loose. The "string", as I call it, feels enlarged. My dad says that this is normal. And my father is a paramedic.
-There are sticky, lint like objects in the area of my groin, and near the perineum. They smell like death. In fact, that is what my groin smells like, even after applying Gold Bond and Lotrimin and taking a long bath.
During all this, my parents have shown little concern. Just now, they got upset at me because I wanted them to leave; I didn't want them to see me like this, but they seemed, for a minute, to forget my existence as they chatted over my soothing humming about the things that happened at their jobs and immersed themselves in Seinfeld. My mother slammed the door as she left my grandmother's house, where I am currently lying on the floor on a blanket in the living room. My eyes, when I saw them in the mirror, were bloodshot from ocular pressure from the vomiting. I feel as though I am falling apart. I have considered consulting a physician, but that may not work out so well.
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cathylynn
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2011
Posts: 2045
Location: northeastern US
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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| your idea to see a doctor is a good one (and i used to be one). might as well print out your post and take it with you. will save you from forgetting an important symptom. |
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redrobin62
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 3852
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, oh. I hope all this doesn't lead you to being suicidal again. It's actually a good thing you're so upfront with your issues. People usually aren't but I appreciate your honesty.
Man, if you can find the strength to go bicycling or jogging every day, that will be a tremendous plus to your physical & mental health. I have a FIR sauna in my apartment which I use every day. I'm only losing water weight, but it also has mentally therapeutic values as well.
I know your SF writing is important to your well being. If, however, you can find for a little exercise it'll be worth it in the long run.
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If you think he's eloquent now just wait till he's sober!
His blog: http://seattlewordsmith.wordpress.com/ |
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Giftorcurse
In a perpetual state of stage fright.
Joined: Apr 14, 2009
Age: 19
Posts: 2446
Location: Port Royal, South Carolina
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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I just called my aunt to let her know what was going on, and got chewed out by my uncle and grandmother. They called me selfish, and said I was hurting the family by spilling my guts about what was going on with me and my family.
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muslimmetalhead
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 30, 2011
Posts: 1072
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:05 pm Post subject: Re: What am I going through? |
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| Giftorcurse wrote: | I have no idea how to describe the physical/emotional embarrasment and pain that I am going through. The best I can do is to list the symptoms.
-It is common knowledge on this website that I have suffered from depression for a very long time, since early 2009. In early May, I attempted suicide, but I've gotten better since then, and my subsequent graduation from high school seems to have dulled it considerably. Today, however, I am not in a talking mood. At about 10:00 this morning, I became mentally exhausted at work. I got chewed out by the staff on the floor as a result, and that left me in bad humor. I felt humiliated, stupid, lazy, worthless. I was angry. These feelings subsided, but have returned.
-I just got back from eating at my local Olive Garden, where I puked up a storm in the men's restroom, with by Dad watching with near-total apathy.
-A little known fact about me is that I have a body dysmorphic disorder, which I have self-diagnosed. In general, I loathe the way that I look. I wish sometimes, I can shed ninety pounds overnight. I currently weigh about 220.
-I masturbate frequently, but have experienced a serious decrease in semen. Last night, nothing came out at all. My testicles hurt, and feel loose. The "string", as I call it, feels enlarged. My dad says that this is normal. And my father is a paramedic.
-There are sticky, lint like objects in the area of my groin, and near the perineum. They smell like death. In fact, that is what my groin smells like, even after applying Gold Bond and Lotrimin and taking a long bath.
During all this, my parents have shown little concern. Just now, they got upset at me because I wanted them to leave; I didn't want them to see me like this, but they seemed, for a minute, to forget my existence as they chatted over my soothing humming about the things that happened at their jobs and immersed themselves in Seinfeld. My mother slammed the door as she left my grandmother's house, where I am currently lying on the floor on a blanket in the living room. My eyes, when I saw them in the mirror, were bloodshot from ocular pressure from the vomiting. I feel as though I am falling apart. I have considered consulting a physician, but that may not work out so well. |
Stop masturbating and start working out heavily. It'll do wonders for your physical and mental fitness. Youll feel so much better.
Discipline yourself. Miracle for your self esteem.
BTW masturbation, from personal experience, is a waste and drain of time and energy (big time on this one).
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1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4611
Location: CT, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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Don't jerk off so much. You're probably experiencing really low testosterone. You've overtaxed your testes by all your jerking off, and they can't produce hormones to keep you feeling good. Religiously (I'm Christian) you shouldn't jerk off like...at all. But if you do, I say keep it to like 3-4x a week. But if you do it too much, you're gonna have no energy. Seriously, cut it out for a couple days at the very least and see wtf happens. I can almost guarantee you'll feel better. Seriously, think about it, you cannot "naturally" have sex the amount of times you jerk off. It's overstressing the body, and chronic masturbation like that is basically the sexual equivalent of overeating, yes, you may have urges, but you don't give into every urge, if you did it with food or alcohol or whatever, you'd be in a lot lot worse place.
Seriously, your hormone levels are important for keeping your body functioning right. It's why athletes take steroids, to get more hormones to overcome whatever obstacles they're facing. Your body makes them naturally, though (but of course via steroids you can exceed your natural levels,) but if you squander the hormones your body makes, you're screwing yourself over. If you still need some "hormone replacement therapy" after you stop jerking off for a bit, then eat a lot of eggs. Eggs contain cholesterol, and your body needs cholesterol to make hormones, and repair cells. It's a hard hard habit to stop, though, but seriously, stop/cut down for your own sake.
As far as the body dismorphic disorder, well. I can sorta relate. I'm 195lbs. I used to be 230 at one point, highest I ever weighed. Before I started ice skating/working out, I weighed 215. I got down to 180 after 4 months or so of doing that, some dieting, and some exercise besides ice skating (punching bag 3-4x a week for 1/2-1 hour at a time.) Right now, after weightlifting, and letting diet slip up during winter and all that, I got to lower 190s pretty consistent, though I slip up to 200s occasionally, but hate seeing "two oh oh" on the scale. Anyway though, I'm 195 at 20% bodyfat, which isn't marvelous physique or anything, but the thing is, right, for me to even hit 25BMI, I'd have to be like 7-8% bodyfat, which is a very unrealistic level to...walk around in everyday. I just carry too much muscle to do it. I don't know if you're secretly "jacked" or whatever under your fat weight, but the best way to get an accurate assessment of what you should weigh or not weigh is a bodyfat check. Generally it takes about 10% BF to see abs, though up to 16% for men is considered healthy (some people say up to 22%, though.) But for me personally, I always envied like, 120-130lb people and wished to be one. Now I know it's not in the cards at all, I just am not built like that, nor ever was. So for me, a healthy weight (though people tell me now at 195 that I don't look like I weigh 195) is probably 175-180. So yeah, bodyfat check will tell you the reality of your body, and what are realistic goals you should aim for instead of trying to aim for goals that are unrealistic, like 130lbs is for my case.
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Too sugoi to die! |
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Giftorcurse
In a perpetual state of stage fright.
Joined: Apr 14, 2009
Age: 19
Posts: 2446
Location: Port Royal, South Carolina
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:14 am Post subject: |
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Yeah. Like what you guys are saying is good advice for a kid with major depression.
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1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4611
Location: CT, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:26 am Post subject: |
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| Giftorcurse wrote: | | Yeah. Like what you guys are saying is good advice for a kid with major depression. |
Well it's the way to, you know...not die/be miserable. Do whatever, fine. We're both speaking from personal experience here. A physician will likely tell you the exact same thing I said, or very similar. I mean, I don't want to get into a moral argument about masturbation or whatever, that's not the point, but if it hurts, and like...nothing comes out anymore, it means "hey time to stop."
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Too sugoi to die! |
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Giftorcurse
In a perpetual state of stage fright.
Joined: Apr 14, 2009
Age: 19
Posts: 2446
Location: Port Royal, South Carolina
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 3:31 am Post subject: |
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It probably means I won't have kids of my own in future, meaning I'll have to adopt some bastard or half-caste.
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