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DominictheStampede
Sea Gull
Sea Gull


Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Age: 29
Posts: 215

PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 5:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Superboyian I think Broken Hearted is my favourite of your poems because of how hopeful it is. I liked the repetition of "I have the lord" I thought Wake Up was a good poem also, it's quite inspiring.

Aelfwine I really like the descriptions of the characters in the third part of your story. I'm glad that there seems to have been a peace brokered!

TeaEarlGreyHot I loved the lines "Hope swelling/Heavy in my chest" and "Hope shattered but not dead" in Barren Landscape, I think they are really powerful. I also liked "skittering across the room" in I Don't Want This because I think it's a good phrase and "twitching/pacing/paranoia" really makes you feel the tension inside the narrator of the poem.

BrandonSP your story was brilliant! It had great description, tension and characters who were easy to identify with.

Here's a piece of fanfiction set in H.P. Lovecraft's world. Please tell me what you think.

http://domsaverem.deviantart.com/#/d4yxvmj
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TeaEarlGreyHot
Your Maya
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 05, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 29444
Location: California

PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 12:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DominictheStampede wrote:

TeaEarlGreyHot I loved the lines "Hope swelling/Heavy in my chest" and "Hope shattered but not dead" in Barren Landscape, I think they are really powerful. I also liked "skittering across the room" in I Don't Want This because I think it's a good phrase and "twitching/pacing/paranoia" really makes you feel the tension inside the narrator of the poem.


Thank you.
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BrandonSP
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 06, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 1312
Location: San Diego, CA

PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 12:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DominictheStampede wrote:
BrandonSP your story was brilliant! It had great description, tension and characters who were easy to identify with.


Thank you, it was written for a friend of mine. She enjoyed it too.
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My Blog:
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TeaEarlGreyHot
Your Maya
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 05, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 29444
Location: California

PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 1:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hope
The double edged sword
The blade one thrusts
Straight into the heart
With a pleading look
And a tear spilled
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BrandonSP
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 06, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 1312
Location: San Diego, CA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Opening excerpt from my latest story, Bride of Perseus, which stars the mythical Ethiopian princess Andromeda and the Greek demigod Perseus.

Quote:
My parents, the King and Queen of Ethiopia, had to sacrifice their most beautiful daughter for our people's safety.

Gales from the sea battered my black-skinned body, which hung by the hands from a rocky pillar. Waves crashed against this rock's base, but rows of drums throbbing along the beach drowned out their whooshing. My finest jewelry, which I used to wear only for special occasions, sparkled all over me. As if sea monsters like Cetus could ever appreciate human jewelry!

My mother buried her head in my father's chest, and I could make out her sobbing over the waves and drumming. Should I sympathize with her or not? Few mothers ever want to lose their most precious daughters, and my mother had loved me as tenderly as a mother could. In fact she had loved me so much that she audaciously declared that I was more beautiful than even Poseidon's sea nymphs. It was that maternal pride that Poseidon punished by sending Cetus to terrorize our waters, and only my sacrifice could end it. My mother’s love had condemned her own daughter to death.

“Please forgive me, my child,” she said. She knelt at the surf’s edge and begged. “Were it not for my arrogance, we would never have to lose you.”

I did not reply. As much as I loved my mother, I didn’t have much time left to live, let alone forgive anyone, but I didn’t have the heart to admit that.

The ocean on the eastern horizon began to bubble and churn. A rumbling, muffled moan bounced off the sea cliffs. In response our drumbeats sped up. My skin crawled. As it drifted towards the shore, the bubbling mass of white water expanded. I squirmed and thrashed my body but could not break myself free from my chains.

The white water accelerated and a scaly fin rose from it. It grew from the back of a body bigger than an elephant, with a tapering tail and a crocodilian head. The monster waded through the shallowing water on a pair of birdlike legs, each of its footsteps shaking the earth. Its serpentine eyes burned brighter than fire and its pointed teeth glinted with drool.

Cetus had arrived.

I screamed until my voice drained away. As Cetus’s breath heated my whole body, I squirmed more violently. The stench of rotting fish overwhelmed my sense of smell. I shut my eyes to avoid gazing into his cavernous gullet.

A voice yodeled. It wasn’t the sort of bestial roar I expected from a creature like Cetus. Instead it was more human, a man’s to be specific, but it echoed like no human voice I had ever heard.

A man glowed like the sun on a nearby cliff. He brandished a woman’s head by her hair.

“Feast on Medusa, you overgrown fish-eater!” the man said. He hurled the head towards Cetus. It zipped so speedily through the air that it vanished before crashing into the beast’s mouth. Cetus’s agonized shriek pierced my eardrums.

He was still flailing his head about when the glowing man leapt into the sky and landed on it. The man then drew a sword upward, ready to plunge it into Cetus’s skull. By swinging his head sideways, Cetus threw the warrior off.

The man did not plunge into the water. Instead he sprung off it onto Cetus’s flank, which he slashed. The roaring monster reared his body up and down repeatedly, but the warrior clung on. He scrambled down towards Cetus’s breast and prepared to stab it when the reptile flicked him off with his front claws. The man smashed into the pillar from which I hung, toppling it over into the surf. I screamed. The splash soaked my clothes.

Again the warrior bounded back up, this time grabbing onto Cetus’s skull. He thrust his blade deep in between the monster’s eyes. Cetus rolled his head about, his roars breaking up into a death rattle, and collapsed into the sea. The water reddened.

One man, a man stronger and faster than any I had ever seen before, had killed Cetus.

He beamed down at me as he sawed me free from my chains. His pale brown skin, straight hair, and bronze armor suggested a Greek origin. Even without his unearthly glow, he had an uncommonly handsome face, and his limbs’ muscles bulged.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“Perseus of Argos, son of Zeus and Danae,” he said. “I was heading home from the land of the Gorgons when I saw a lovely young lady who needed my help.”

I giggled. “You say you’re the son of Zeus? Which Zeus would that be?”

“The one and only Zeus, the Thunderer of Olympus Himself. Hopefully that explains certain abilities of mine. And what shall I call you, mistress?”

“Andromeda, daughter of Cepheus and Cassiopeia, and welcome to Ethiopia.”

My parents ran towards Perseus and prostrated before him.

“Thank you so much for rescuing our country from the wrath of Cetus, O Son of Zeus,” my father said. “If only I knew of repayment that would suit a heroic demigod such as yourself!”

“Maybe not, but I know how I will punish him!” a thunderous, reverberating voice said. We all shuddered with each of his words.

“What do you mean, punish me, Poseidon?” Perseus said. “Have you not wreaked enough havoc already?”

“Enough of your hubris, insolent nephew!” Poseidon replied. “I sent Cetus here to punish Cassiopeia for insulting my nymphs, and only by sacrificing Andromeda could she recant. You should have never interfered!”

“Well, maybe you gods need to learn some humility for once!”

“No, but you will—mortal!”

Perseus grimaced, fell into his knees, and groaned. As he continued to wail, his glow faded away into nothing. His muscles shrank until he looked no stronger than an ordinary athlete, and then he collapsed onto his breastplate.

“Enjoy your newfound humanity, Perseus!” Poseidon said with a cackle.

I touched Perseus’s cold forehead. He was still groaning with pain. “What happened?” I asked.

“He took away what I prized more than anything else,” Perseus said. “He took away my godhood.”

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Aelfwine
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker


Joined: May 04, 2012
Posts: 184

PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 2:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I should post part 4 of my story, but it isn't finished.
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BrandonSP
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 06, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 1312
Location: San Diego, CA

PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Updated the first chapter of my Bride of Perseus story:

Quote:
Adhiambo’s parents, Chiumbo and Chausiku of Zanj, had to sacrifice their most beautiful daughter for their whole people's safety.

Gales from the sea battered her wrist-bound obsidian body, which had been secured against a pillar of rock. Waves crashed but rows of drums throbbing along the beach drowned out their whooshing. Adhiambo’s finest jewelry shone in the sunlight. As if sea monsters like Cetus could ever appreciate human jewelry!

When Adhiambo’s eyes found her mother, Chausiku buried her head in Chiumbo's chest and sobbed. Adhiambo didn’t know whether to sympathize with her or not. Few mothers ever want to lose their children, and Chausiku had loved her daughter as tenderly as any mother could. In fact she had loved Adhiambo so much that she audaciously declared her more beautiful than even Poseidon's sea nymphs. When Poseidon heard that maternal boast, he sent Cetus down to terrorize Zanj’s coast, and only Adhiambo’s sacrifice could end the carnage. Chausiku’s love had condemned her own daughter to death.

“Please forgive me, Adhiambo!” Chausiku said. She knelt at the surf’s edge and begged frantically.

Adhiambo could not reply. She didn’t have much time to live anyway.

The ocean on the eastern horizon began to bubble and churn. A rumbling, muffled moan bounced off the sea cliffs. The drumbeats quickened in response. Adhiambo chilled inside. As it drifted towards the shore, the bubbling mass of white water expanded. Adhiambo squirmed and thrashed her body but could not break herself free from her chains.

The white water accelerated and a scaly fin rose from it. It grew from the back of a body bigger than an elephant, with a tapering tail and a crocodilian head. The monster waded through the shallowing water on a pair of birdlike legs, each of its footsteps shaking the earth. Its serpentine eyes burned brighter than fire and its pointed teeth glinted with drool.

Cetus had arrived.

Adhiambo screamed until her voice drained away. She squirmed more violently to avoid Cetus’s fetid breath flaring against her body. She shut her eyes to avoid gazing into his cavernous gullet.

A voice hollered. It wasn’t Cetus’s. It was too much like a male human’s voice, except it echoed.

A man glowed like the sun on a nearby cliff. He brandished a woman’s head by her hair.

“Feast on Medusa and leave that young woman alone!” the man said. He hurled the head towards Cetus. It vanished into the air before crashing into the beast’s mouth. Cetus’s agonized shriek pierced Adhiambo’s eardrums.

He was still flailing his head about when the glowing man leapt into the sky and landed on it. The man then drew a sword upward, ready to plunge it into Cetus’s skull. By swinging his head sideways, Cetus threw the warrior off.

The man did not plunge into the water. Instead he sprung off it onto Cetus’s flank, which he slashed. The roaring monster reared his body up and down repeatedly, but the warrior clung on. He scrambled down towards Cetus’s breast and prepared to stab it when the reptile flicked him off with his front claws. The man smashed into the pillar from which Adhiambo hung, toppling it over into the surf. Adhiambo screamed. The splash soaked her.

Again the warrior bounded back up, this time grabbing onto Cetus’s skull. He thrust his blade deep in between the monster’s eyes. Cetus rolled his head about, his roars breaking up into a death rattle, and collapsed into the sea. The water reddened.

One man, a man stronger and faster than any Adhiambo had ever seen before, had killed Cetus.

He beamed down at Adhiambo as he sawed her free from the chains. His pale brown skin, straight hair, and bronze armor suggested a Greek origin. Even without his unearthly glow, he had an uncommonly handsome face, and his limbs’ muscles bulged.

“Who are you?” Adhiambo asked.

“Perseus of Argos, son of Zeus and Danae,” he said. “I was heading home from the land of the Gorgons when I saw a lovely young lady who needed my help.”

Adhiambo giggled. “You say you’re the son of Zeus? Which Zeus would that be?”

“The one and only Zeus, the Thunderer of Olympus Himself. Hopefully that explains certain abilities of mine. And what shall I call you, mistress?”

“Adhiambo, daughter of Chiumbo and Chausiku, and welcome to Zanj.”

Chiumbo and Chausiku ran towards Perseus and prostrated before him.

“Thank you so much for rescuing our country from the wrath of Cetus, O Son of Zeus,” Chiumbo said. “If only I knew of repayment that would suit a heroic demigod such as yourself!”

“Maybe not, but I know how I will punish him!” a thunderous, reverberating voice said. Everyone shuddered with each of his words.

The sea spray congealed into a white face almost as immense as Cetus’s whole body. The face’s eyes smoldered like blue fire.

“What do you mean, punish me, Poseidon?” Perseus said. “Have you not wreaked enough havoc already?”

“Enough of your hubris, insolent nephew!” the face of sea spray replied. “I sent Cetus here to punish Cassiopeia for insulting my nymphs, and only by sacrificing Andromeda could she recant. You should have never interfered!”

“Well, maybe you gods need to learn some humility for once!”

“No, but you will—mortal!”

Perseus grimaced, fell into his knees, and groaned. As he continued to wail, his glow faded away into nothing. His muscles shrank until he looked no stronger than an ordinary athlete, and then he collapsed onto his breastplate.

“Enjoy your newfound humanity, Perseus!” Poseidon said with a cackle.

Adhiambo touched Perseus’s cold forehead. He was still groaning with pain. “What happened?” she asked.

“He took away what I prized more than anything else,” Perseus said. “He took away my divinity.”

He exhaled and lay on the sand almost as still as a statue.

“We should bring him back to the village,” Adhiambo said. “Hopefully we can nurse him back to health.”

#

Adhiambo watched Perseus’s face as he rested on a cowhide mat inside her hut. He had stayed unconscious or asleep the whole time she had carried him back to her village, and he still remained in that state even after it had gotten dark outside. Perseus’s brow, though beaded with sweat, still felt cool to Adhiambo’s touch. She poured water from a hollowed gourd into his mouth.

He opened his eyes and coughed. Adhiambo beamed down at him.

“Where am I?” Perseus asked.

“My village,” Adhiambo said. “You’ve slept all the way to sunset. Are you hungry?”

Perseus shook his head. “Thanks for the drink anyway. By the gods, I feel so weak” He pressed his palms against the floor, but could not lift his back off the mat. Adhiambo pulled him up to a sitting position.

“You said that Poseidon took away your divinity,” Adhiambo said. “What does that mean?”

“Well, as I told you, I am the son of Zeus and a mortal woman—a demigod. That gave me both the mortality of a common human and godlike abilities, such as the power to to jump far and high as you saw. What Poseidon did was take away all that was divine about me and turn me into a complete mortal, a complete human being.”

“I didn’t know gods could do that. They say Zeus has made many other children with mortals, so why hasn’t his wife on Olympus turned all of those children mortal as well?”

“Only the three most powerful gods—Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades—have the power to take away other beings’ divinity. Of the three, Hades is the one who stores lost divinity somewhere in his abode. Ugh, if only I knew of a way to find the entrance to the Underworld…”

Adhiambo sighed. “There’s nothing necessarily wrong with being mortal. I’ve been a mortal all my life.”

“But I haven’t, and to lose my divinity is to lose a huge chunk of who I am. Besides, this whole disaster would have never happened had Poseidon not overreacted to a mortal woman’s boast!” Perseus brandished a fist. “He shouldn’t get his way all the time!”

“And he won’t,” a voice which wasn’t Adhiambo’s echoed.

The hut warmed inside, but Adhiambo shuddered from shock. A glowing, gold-skinned woman carrying a bow and quiver appeared after wind howled.

“Who are you?” Perseus asked.

“This is Neith, our Goddess of the Hunt,” Adhiambo said.

“Yes, and I share your anger against Poseidon,” Neith said. “I wish I personally had the power to restore lost divinity, but I am afraid you will have to obtain it yourselves.”

“Wait a moment, you’re saying that we should enter the Underworld and pry it from Hades’ hands?” Adhiambo said.

“Who’s we?” Perseus said. “I can get my own divinity back all by myself. You should stay here, princess.”

“What do you mean you can go all by yourself? A moment ago you were complaining about your weakness.”

“I may not be a demigod anymore, but I am still a man. Women like you shouldn’t bother themselves with adventures like this!”

Burning with rage, Adhiambo drew her hand far back for a slap, but Neith grabbed it.

“Behave like adults, you two,” Neith said. “Perseus, let Adhiambo come with you. You need all the help you can get. Adhiambo, please take this bow and quiver as my blessing and protect Perseus as fiercely as you can.”

"I will,” Adhiambo said. “Now where is the entrance to the Underworld?”

“There are many, but the closest one to here lies in the Ebon Jungle west of here. Once you step through it, you must pay the ferryman Charon one piece of silver to escort you to Hades’ lair, but earning that piece shouldn’t be too difficult. Now I must leave. If Poseidon found out about this, he would do everything in his power to stop you.”

And with that Neith disappeared.

“I still don’t trust a woman to fight by my side, especially not a pretty young one like you,” Perseus said.

“Then give me one chance,” Adhiambo said. “I swear to Neith that I can fight as well as any man.”

Perseus snorted. “All right, we’ll see about that.” He yawned and lay back down on the mat.

We’ll see about it, all right, Adhiambo thought.

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minotaurheadcheese
Velociraptor
Velociraptor


Joined: Apr 21, 2012
Posts: 412
Location: the lone lands

PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A recent poem of mine that is my first real attempt at a dramatic monologue. If anyone has reactions I would be interested to hear them.

Neptune’s Daughter

Summers were when I saw you often and alone.
For long you feared to enter me, and would walk beside me only,
Always with an emptiness in the heart of your smile,
Some knot in you that would not yield to my teasing.
And long I wooed you,
Calling you back and back from your high towers
To see the gleam of me under the sun and the moon,
The golden sand suspended on my curving silhouette.
You knew me in laughter and in quiet repose
According to your need, not mine.
I let my native power fall away and haunt the depths to which you would not reach,
So that you might find me fair, and clear as glass.
I sang to you of my warmth, and how I might caress you,
How you could slip within me and feel me fit your every crook
As if made in your mold, for your vessel.
Yet still you sighed and looked from me,
Still you heard the other song, that echoed by night from your stony chambers,
Of the height of your imposing towers, and how
They rested not to feel the moon on them, but climbed and reached to meet it.

Finally you came, in a summer twilight, quiet as was your way,
Though I always perceived you—
Came near against the edge of me and felt me moving there,
And let me take you.
You were naked, and the sun’s last rays
Glinted from my belly and your shoulder as I bore you
Through the rippling valleys and steep white peaks of love,
And laid you soft upon its other shore.
Then I sang, from my own heart, and joy burst hot and careless from within.
When morning rose, I thought you slept, and laid myself beside you:
I exhaled, and flung out my opalescent body on the sand.

Now I fear that I am scorned.
I think you do not care anymore for the play of the light on my soft strands.
While I slept in the sun,
You slipped from me and went away without a sound,
Beyond where I may follow.
Now I think you have gone back to your tall towers, and will not look on me again.
Tell me how I wronged you,
For I meant always to take the greatest care.
When you came to me, I never would let any tooth graze your smallest toe,
Or any passions of mine disturb your troubled reveries.
I was content to hold you.
If my embrace was too strong, I would have loosed you,
Knowing you were never mine to keep.

But look now:
My gentleness is spent, wasted and dead.
I churn and boil with the fury of my grief.
Madly I whip myself and howl so that even the sun fears to fall on me,
And if you would only look, you would wonder,
Although it is your doing, how one who loved you once could be so changed,
Her soft shapes torn to jagged, lancing tongues.
You did not know what force I held from you;
Still less, that I had the force to hold it, and so well. Look!
My wrath has rent my walls of stone
As I would rend yours, you keepers of towers, if you were not too much in fear
To place them in my grasp!--
And I have gnawed the witless men who dare trespass upon me,
And spewed their bleaching bones before your door,
But still you do not darken it.
Among your great shouldered pillars you do not hear me anymore.
You will not come forth even to taste the salt of my tears.

But come, love.
You have known me when I was not as I am.
There is nothing in me for you, of all, to fear.
Tell me how I have wronged you, or berate me as you want,
Only walk beside me as you did,
And I will make my face fair and clear again.
I will not sing when you yearn for silence,
And if I yearn, myself, to feel you in me once more,
My voice will never speak it.
I will leave your knot undone.
Only sit with me, sit still with me one night,
And let the soft moon shine on both as one,
Or leave me, barren, to swallow my tears alone.
It is as you will.
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EnglishJess
X)
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 19, 2011
Age: 17
Posts: 5320
Location: Somewhere

PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quick question: Can you post songs you've written here? Even if you don't have any way to show the tune to go with them?
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TeaEarlGreyHot
Your Maya
Phoenix


Joined: Jul 05, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 29444
Location: California

PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

EnglishJess wrote:
Quick question: Can you post songs you've written here? Even if you don't have any way to show the tune to go with them?


Why not? I have.
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EnglishJess
X)
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 19, 2011
Age: 17
Posts: 5320
Location: Somewhere

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, in that case, I thought I would share this song with you all that I made up. Of course, you'll see it of more of a peom than a song because there's no way to get a tune to it on. But the words are about how I'm too shy to do things because whenever I do, I think of another person who I don't dislike, but don't want to be thinking of them just because I associate a certain thing with them, or because I feel like them. It's very complicated, I know. Must be the Asperger's.
Anyway, it's called Try Not To Care

I don't want to be like you
I'm scared of all the things you do
I'm sorry if you're offended
But it's all my fault, not yours

So I'm too shy to be like you
I'm shy about the things you do
But you do almost everything
And maybe even more

I wish I was brave enough to be like you
I wish I was not too shy to do what you do
I wish that I was not scared
Was not scared, did not care...
Try not to...care

I don't want to feel like you
I just don't want to seem like you
And yet at the same time
I want to talk to you some more

And I don't want to like what you
Like, I don't want to do what you
Do, but I also wish I had more
In common

I wish I was brave enough to be like you
I wish I was not too shy to do what you do
I wish I could have lots more in common with you
I wish I could have more chance to talk to you

Everything I see reminds me of you!
Everything I hear reminds me of you!
The more I see and hear these things
The more that I will fear these things
I really can't can't help it
So please don't make it worse

I don't want to be like you
I'm scared of all the things you do
I'm sorry if you're offended
But it's all my fault, not yours

So I'm too shy to be like you
I'm shy about the things you do
But you do almost everything
And maybe even more

I wish I was brave enough to be like you
I wish I was not too shy to do what you do
I wish that I was not scared
Was not scared, did not care
I wish I was brave enough to be like you
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JakobVirgil
Tyrant / Part-Time Mexican
Phoenix


Joined: Feb 16, 2011
Posts: 3744
Location: yes

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I shared this as a new thread but I think it goes here.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2

I don't take criticism well just tell me I am awesome Wink Shocked Mad Laughing
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Who knows upon what soil they fed
Their hungry thirsty roots?”

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Blondstrom
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse


Joined: Jul 02, 2012
Posts: 32
Location: Toronto, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 7:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

^ Jakob, I like it. It's a good start you've got.

I guess I can post this here? I wrote it last night... it could use some tweaking, but I just thought I'd share it.

Anika, mon amour

Her wistful eyes and her soft, rose lips
a soul, alone, the yearn for that forgotten poem
Delicate like a flower, she flounders within her own mind

The need to be loved by not just anyone is filling her on empty
I see the hope as it dwindles past to almost just a fear of the unknown
The fear, it festers and fills her thoughts; breaking her dreams in two

I love her so deeply, yet she doesn't see me; I'm buried underneath these words
Our souls share a vibe and I want it to thrive, but alas, it's not to be
Romanticism runs deep, but the tragic is so meek that it layers thick and steep

My wish is ungranted, our lives left apart but joy! We are still in tune
Her wisdom's my pleasure, I wish it forever and I sing her song to the moon
So gentle in life, understanding and pure - despite her flaws a plenty

If only to save her, my heart's greatest favour and I shall ask of nothing more
For I'm still enamoured and I would likely just stammer; nothing more shall leave these lips
The silence, a blessing and my eyes will grow sightless, for her beauty eclipses all sight

And I will be fine, just laying this rhyme for all but her to see.
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"Haters can keep hating, but I'm just gonna dance."
- Patrick Kane; Chicago Blackhawks
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EnglishJess
X)
Phoenix


Joined: Dec 19, 2011
Age: 17
Posts: 5320
Location: Somewhere

PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So I thought I'd post another song, based on my experiences. I actually worte this before the other one, but I thought I'd post it anyway. Beware of repetition, though.

So here is Sympathy

You're only sorry cause you don't want to get hurt
You're only sorry cause you want some sympathy
You say you're sorry cause you think it'll be alright
But instead you end up crying upstairs all night

You're only sorry cause you don't want to miss out
You're only sorry cause you want it forgotten now
Well it won't work but still you try and try and try
Although sometimes it makes you really wonder why

You've got your heart set on a healthy bit of love
You've got your heart set on some love and sympathy
You know that it's not good to feel really bad
But everyone leaves you feeling really sad

You've got your heart set on a healthy bit of love
You're really wanting lots of love and sympathy
But now just look at the state you're in
You feel as thought you've lost everything and so

You're only sorry cause you want some sypmathy-y
You're only sorry cause you want some sypmathy-y
You say you're sorry cause you think it'll be alright
But instead you end up crying upstairs all night

You're only sorry cause you don't want to get hurt
You're only sorry cause you want some sympathy
You say you're sorry cause you think it'll be alright
But instead you end up crying upstairs all night

You really feel like you just want to get away
cause all you wanted was some get some sympathy
But all you can do is relieve yourself of hate
With heavy rock - your idea of escape

You really feel like you just want to get away
Cause all you wanted was to get some sympathy
But there's no other way no place to go
Only your own mind, so still stuck at home and so

You're only sorry cause you want some sypmathy-y
You're only sorry cause you want some sypmathy-y
You say you'e sorry cause you think it'll be alright
But instead you end up crying upstairs all night

You're only sorry cause you don't want to get hurt
You're only sorry cause you want some sympathy
You say you're sorry cause you think it'll be alright
But instead you end up crying upstairs all night

I'm only sorry cause I don't want to get hurt
I'm only sorry cause I want some sympathy
I say I'm sorry cause I think it'll be alright
But instead I end up crying upstairs all night

I'm only sorry cause I don't want to get hurt
I'm only sorry cause I want some sympathy
You throw me down expecting me to give up then
But instead I just bounce right back up again

I'm only sorrycause I want some sympathy-y
I'm only sorry cause I want some sympathy-y
I say I'm sorry cause I think it'll be alright
but instead I end up cryin upstairs all night

I'm only sorry cause I don't want to get hurt
I'm only sorry cause I want some sympathy
I say I'm sorry cause I think it'll be alright
But instead I end up crying upstairs all night

I'm only sorry cause I don't want to get hurt
I'm only sorry cause I want some sympathy
I say I'm sorry cause I think it'll be alright
But instead I end up crying upstairs all night

Crying upstairs all night
Crying upstairs all night
Crying upstairs all night
Crying upstairs all night

Cause I want some sympathy.
_________________
The world needs to learn to share.
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minotaurheadcheese
Velociraptor
Velociraptor


Joined: Apr 21, 2012
Posts: 412
Location: the lone lands

PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been working on a novel for a long time, but never have anyone unbiased to provide feedback. If anyone's interested, you can find a few pages of it here. I can also post more if desired.

http://thelonelands.wordpress.com/2012/07/08/a-sampling-of-my-novel-4/
_________________
"And there are days when I would be away . . . Oh, wherever men of my sort used to go, long ago. Wandering on paths that other men have not seen. Behind the sky. On the other side of the rain." -Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell
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