Butters
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 10, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 63
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 Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 7:12 pm Post subject: Shut down and how it may effect him? |
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I'll keep this short. My mom has cancer and has been in hospice ( end of life care ) for a while now. I just got home for summer break today, Only to find that the amount of weight she has lost is almost dramatic. She is now on a catheter, and can not walk. they tried to get her to stay in the nursing home but my mom is stubborn, so she chose to stay home. I dont think she has much longer
I'm 20. She wont have the chance to see me marry, have kids etc. tho she did get to see my older sister do all that so I'm happy she saw one of us do that stuff.
I'm very scared she wont make it long enough to see me graduate the trade school I'm now in and see me make something of my life. I wanted to give her at least that much but now I doubt I can do that.
My boyfriend has Aspergers I've warned him I may shut down ( we are also long distance ) I've also warned him not to take it personal. But I'm scared he will. He is wonderful. and none of this ( the shutting down part ) is due to him.
I just dont want to drag him down as well ( i've also let him know that. )
I just dont know what to do... how to handle a death so close to me... I've been perparing for years but, the fact that I may not be able to show her i've done something with my life before she passes on makes me feel so ashamed...
But how to people with AS take it when others shut down on them is there any way I can make this easier for him? I just feel numb atm |
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KenM
an i mal
Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Age: 45
Posts: 1547
Location: Mass. USA
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| Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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First I am very sorry about your Mom. I lost my Dad when I was very young. My Mom got me to talk to a professial. It helped me alot, it may help you.
Does your BF know about how it is with your Mom? If He does not, telling him whats going on may help him understand better if you do shut down. I can't speak for your BF. But if someone I was close to said they may shut down and ignore me for awhile, I'd most likely be OK with it because I know it may happen. But I would also say that I would be there for them if they needed anything. |
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Butters
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 10, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah he knows. And he's been very understanding and loving. I just don't want him to get depressed if I shut down. I just dont want to hurt him. Ya know " misery loves company"
I dont want to drag him down because Im down |
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Roxas_XIII
Fortune favors the bold
Joined: Jan 09, 2007
Age: 22
Posts: 3298
Location: Laramie, WY
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| Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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It seems to me like he knows what's going on and knows how hard it is for you. He may not be able to understand completely what you're going through, but it seems that he's willing to stand by your side. You have to let him know that your depression has nothing to do with him.
Now I can't speak for your boyfriend, but as an aspie man in a relationship with an NT woman as of 6 months ago, I can tell you that if my girlfriend were suffering, I'd want to help her in any way I can. I can actually see this same situation happening to us in the future, as her mom is old and has chronic health problems, so we may very well see her on her deathbed within the next decade. It's a very sobering thought and I pray to God that it doesn't happen anytime soon, but I can guarantee you that my girlfriend would be devastated by the death of her mother, especially seeing as she's the only real parent she has. Her father abandoned the family before she was born, and the closest thing she has to a father is her neighbor who is a friend of her mother and lives near their ranch. Her mother is the closest person to her, even I as her lover can't compare to that relationship, though I come at a close second.
That said, when it happens it won't be easy, and she will need someone by her side to help her cope, and as her friend and boyfriend, it would be heartless not to support her as best as I can, even if I were an Aspie. That also includes putting up with her inevitable lashing-out as a natural part of accepting grief. I know that she would never do so intentionally, so even if I feel hurt I would forgive her.
Hopefully your boyfriend has these same values. Of course, communication is key. You have to let him know that you still love him, but that things are difficult because of your loss. If he's right for you, he'll understand. You may still unintentionally hurt him, but if he's really dedicated to you he will forgive you. If not, then TBH he's not the right person you need to be spending your life with, and I'd probably track him down and bop him upside the head with a paper fan for being such a baka.
Hope this helps. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I'll make sure you, your family, and your boyfriend are in my prayers tonight.
_________________
"Yeah, so this one time, I tried playing poker with tarot cards... got a full house, and about four people died." ~ Unknown comedian
Happy New Year from WP's resident fortune-teller! May the cards be ever in your favor. |
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thewhitrbbit
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 2154
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| Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. 
I don't think you should stress about what she sees. In her eyes, I think she sees a daughter who has turned out ok and is doing something productive with her life.
Is there any possibly he could come out and help you. |
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Butters
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 10, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:28 am Post subject: |
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He has college to tend to. I cant have him take off school as much as I want him here. with the program he is in if he even fails one class thats it. they'll cut him off and college goes out the window.
He's been doing very good. He's been sending me videos the cheer me up, and he is very understanding and supportive. My biggest concern was how shutting down would effect him. But he seems to be understanding. We've been communicating a lot more now so it helps. He's been so sweet to me, I really couldnt ask for a better person to be with than him |
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