sjc613
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 03, 2012
Age: 25
Posts: 1
Location: Preston, Lancashire, UK
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 Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 1:48 pm Post subject: Being argumentative |
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Hi everyone!
I was wondering if I could please get some advice on an issue, especially from others here who have had the same experience and decided to do something about it.
Basically, I'm fed up of being constantly argumentative and confrontational. I seem to just cause verbal fights wherever I go and I'm only just starting to realize that the impact this has had - and is continuing to have - on my relationships with other people is awful. I'm ready to acknowledge that the fact I get into arguments all the time and people around me seem to feel drained and disheartened after spending any considerable amount of time with me, has something to do with the way I behave; that it is my fault. I'm feeling quite ashamed about it.
I know that being argumentative and opinionated can be a hallmark of Asperger's Syndrome, but that doesn't mean I can't try and change it. There are other aspects of the condition I've managed to minimize over time, after making a real commitment to changing as best I can. This is something I'd very much like to change.
Any advice would be much appreciated! Thanks. |
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thewhitrbbit
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 2213
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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Stop and think...
"Is it really worth it?" |
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redrobin62
Doppelgänger
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 4069
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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Being argumentative is a hallmark of Asperger's Syndrome? Could've fooled me.
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Blixten
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Posts: 48
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hi! I used to have the same problem, and even if I still speak my mind, I dont get into arguments the same way. I dont know if any advice I have to give will be helpful, because I think I mostly grew out of it.
Tone. I learned that when I wanted to speak my mind or disagree with someone, tone is key. To sound calm and respectful, even if you dont feel that way, will keep the conversation light and people wont shy away from you for being 'aggresive'. You can say pretty much the same things you used to say, but with a lighter tone it will come off as less confrontational. Work on maybe even mixing a joke or two into the mix, even when you want to tell someone off. It all comes down to this, for me at least; Keep it light! If its not, people will get uncomfortable. And they will not like the situation you created, and in the end they will not like you either. Well, for me this was the case not saying the same applies to your situation.
Pick your battles. Make a deal with yourself, like if your going out with friends that you will ignore something that night that might have previously made you speak up... Not saying you have to start swallowing your words, but its good to learn to let something go. You cant take every fight. (wait is that an expression in english? well it makes sense to me so)
Maybe let someone you trust know that you are struggling with this, and ask them to let you know when you are winding up, like some signal to silently reminding you to chill.
Its not about not speaking your mind anymore, its about becoming more diplomatic in everyday situations. |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8408
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:20 pm Post subject: |
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I get argumentative with my close relatives, yet when I'm with my friends I'm the opposite - extremely passive and meek and wouldn't say boo to a goose.
So my friends can't imagine me being argumentative, and my close relatives can't imagine me being passive and meek.
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
Age: 23 |
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mightyzebra
High Functioning Autie
Joined: Aug 26, 2007
Posts: 1766
Location: Planet Earth.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:11 pm Post subject: |
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I know what my mum say about this,
"Listen more than talk."
Maybe that's a good approach for this situation. If you're itching to argue, like Blixten said, maybe a lighter tone is necessary. But if it's something that even you might think is not necessary to talk about, then maybe just keeping silent is the best thing.
As more of an Autistic person than an Aspie person, arguing doesn't come naturally to me, unless if it's a situation with my family on a particularly heated subject. There are some situations where I would LOVE to argue and make my own point, but I haven't, mainly because it would ruin my relationship with particular people, especially those who don't know I have autism.
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:50 am Post subject: |
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| Blixten wrote: | | Tone. I learned that when I wanted to speak my mind or disagree with someone, tone is key. To sound calm and respectful, even if you dont feel that way, will keep the conversation light and people wont shy away from you for being 'aggresive'. You can say pretty much the same things you used to say, but with a lighter tone it will come off as less confrontational. Work on maybe even mixing a joke or two into the mix, even when you want to tell someone off. It all comes down to this, for me at least; Keep it light! If its not, people will get uncomfortable. And they will not like the situation you created, and in the end they will not like you either. Well, for me this was the case not saying the same applies to your situation. |
I believe I have this problem with tone of voice. Some days I just can't get anything right, and I find it wisest to just keep my mouth shut. It all sounds so innocent in my head, but when I think I have perfected the voice output, it seems to have gotten distorted into a judgemental accusation.
I do what you suggest, I say it in a calm and respectful manner, or atleast from my point of view it is. I have not tried mixing in a joke though.  I will have to try that. Thanks!
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AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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