|
diniesaur
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Posts: 639
Location: in the Ministry of Silly Walks
|
 Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:43 pm Post subject: I want to do something nice for a friend |
 |
|
He's one of my closer friends, but what sets him apart is that he's gone out of his way to be nice to me more than any other friend of mine has. To be fair, many of them haven't had a chance, since some live far away, but he's helped me a lot, even making sure I get to play music again! (Music is important for my mental health, and I really missed playing my instruments.) He also has driven me places even though he totally didn't have to (I can't drive), and he practiced music with me, and the inside of his car smells good. He's also one of the few friends of mine who have let me inside their houses. Also, when I told him I'd be going to his university this semester, he told me where to find a lot of really nice people who are completely accepting of my Autism and often even appreciate my differences. My mom says she knew I liked him when I was younger because I talked about him a lot.
I've known him since I was thirteen (I'm eighteen now, and he's a few years older than me), and he's also not done anything truly mean to me, so I feel like I can trust him. He's been really busy and tired lately, AND he's gone more out of his way to be nice to me than anyone else this close to my age, so I want to do something nice for him. He knows I'm "weird" and Autistic and is okay with it even though he doesn't understand everything about me, but I still don't want to accidentally creep him out with something intended to be nice. He expects a certain amount of weirdness from me I think, but I'm afraid because some people even think it's creepy in a bad way when I just give compliments like saying they're pretty or they have good hair or shoes or something.
I can cook, and I considered making a cake or something (I love cooking) but it might be sort of inconvenient for him to take home, and also possibly sort of weird, and I also don't know if he's got allergies or anything. I guess I could take some money out of my savings account and use that, but I don't know what I would use it for. He likes playing music--he's a music major, and I met him in band. Other than that, I don't really know. He freely admits that he is always thinking about music, and that usually he only thinks about it, so I could do something that has to do with music, but I'm not really sure.
What do you guys think I should do that will be nice and relevant for my friend but not "creepy" like compliments on pretty hair are sometimes? Is creepy generally the same for everyone, or is it different from person to person--and if it's different, could I get away with asking what I could do nice that wouldn't be creepy, or would that in itself be creepy? All these weird rules...any ideas? |
|
| Back to top |
|
cathylynn
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2011
Posts: 2003
Location: northeastern US
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| cooking him dinner would be a very nice gesture. you can check out the menu with him beforehand so allergies won't be a worry. |
|
| Back to top |
|
questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:36 pm Post subject: Helping a friend |
|
|
I agree with Cathylynn. Make him dinner. Also, consider making up several casseroles, freezing them, and then giving him them so he won't have to spend as much time cooking for himself during the week. This will give him more time to do other things, including--hopefully--rest. And don't forget the home made chocolate cookies.
I'm not much of a cook, but can manage well enough for myself, but I don't fuss with more complicated stuff because of health issues. When my older sister makes cookies for her husband, she sometimes sends me a dozen or two.  My brother-in-law is a nice guy. I'm glad my sister married him. She went through several bad match guys before she met him. |
|
| Back to top |
|
OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6775
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 1:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
Since you both like music could you get two tickets to a show or concert that he would like and take him as your guest? If you can't find something like that around there, maybe rent or buy a DVD of a concert that he hasn't seen of a band he likes or even one he has seen before but not in a long time.
What kind of music does he like? Maybe you could rent a classic movie like "Tommy" by the Who or "Sgt Pepper" by the Beatles or "The Wall" by Pink Floyd and invite him over to watch it. Have cokes and snacks there and just enjoy the movie with him. Something like that would be seen as a friendly invitation and not creepy at all.
I disagree about cooking him dinner. While it's a nice gesture for a very close friend who you see a lot or someone you have romantic interests in, I don't think a dinner is something that I would pick to do for someone unless I was throwing them a dinner party. I really think either taking him to a show or concert, or renting a music related DVD would be the best bet. You can also tell him "I want to say thanks for being there for me, it means a lot to me". Only say that once though, and say it somewhat casually. If he asks why you want to invite him somewhere, that's the perfect time to say it. Otherwise, I'd say it at the end of the evening when he's getting ready to leave, then shake his hand or hug him, whichever you normally do.
Let us know what you decide to do please, and that's very nice of you to do that. I think people should let their friends know that they care about them, often. My two best friends and I tell each other we love each other every time we speak or chat online and always hug when we see each other. I think letting friends know you care about them is just as important in a friendship as it is in a romantic relationship, it's just a different kind of caring.
_________________
Frances
What if Jessie's girl was Stacy's mom and her number was 867-5309? |
|
| Back to top |
|
cozysweater
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2011
Posts: 570
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 1:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
| If this is just a "thank you" for being nice, I think sheet music for one of his favorite pieces of music (or just something you know he likes) and a thank you note would be appropriate. I agree that cooking dinner can be awkward unless you're really close because it can be misconstrued as a romantic gesture. (although even as a romantic gesture, it's best to wait a few dates before busting out your culinary skills) |
|
| Back to top |
|
cathylynn
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2011
Posts: 2003
Location: northeastern US
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
| i've had many friends over for dinner and they've reciprocated. no one ever thought it was meant to be romantic. |
|
| Back to top |
|
cozysweater
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2011
Posts: 570
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
| @cathylynn - It really depends on the social rules you're raised with and what you're comfortable with. I would be much more likely to accept a homecooked-at-home meal if that person were of the same sex as me or if it were a dinner party. I would not invite a man to dinner alone in my home unless we were dating or we were very long standing platonic friends. I would not accept an invitation unless the same applied. I know. Very old-fashioned. |
|
| Back to top |
|
OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6775
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 6:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
I had suggested either going to a music show or renting a music specific dvd and watching it because they are both guys and I think those are more guy things to do rather than make a dinner. I see guys doing that kind of thing together all the time, but I don't really see a guy inviting another guy over to make him dinner very often.
I'm assuming the friend is NT and that the OP wants to do something along the lines of the kind of thing he does with his other friends and that he would be comfortable with. I would worry that asking him over for a dinner would seem odd to him, so I suggested the kind of things I see my kids doing.
You could combine the dinner and dvd though. Maybe get a couple of steaks and cook them on the grill and bake some potatoes. That seems to me more guy like than inviting him over and cooking in the kitchen for him. They could sit outside by the grill while the steaks are cooking then come inside and watch the dvd. To me, inviting someone over and cooking for them seems datelike, unless it's bbq for some reason.
I know it may seem like I'm using stereotypes but it's really what I see the boys do around here and they are that age. I could see my sons or my daughters fiance doing the bbq thing or the dvd or the show. Or a combination.
ETA; I'll cook for my friends but I'm female and somehow that seems normal, but unless the guy is a chef it seems date like to me. Next weekend one friend is coming over and I promised her I'd make her a pizza. She's bringing wine and we are going to make an evening of it. That seems more traditionally female than it does male. Not to say that guys can't or don't enjoy that, I just don't see them doing it often.
_________________
Frances
What if Jessie's girl was Stacy's mom and her number was 867-5309? |
|
| Back to top |
|
BMctav
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Posts: 144
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 6:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
If you're a guy, don't cook a meal for him. It's something that women generally do for each other or otherwise people with a romantic interest in each other.
Stick to a music-related gift, I reckon. Getting him some sheet music (as someone else suggested) could be a good idea.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
thewhitrbbit
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 2130
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 9:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
I def would not suggest cooking a meal for him. That is def kinna weird.
I'll +1 for Oliveoilmom's suggestion. |
|
| Back to top |
|
diniesaur
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Posts: 639
Location: in the Ministry of Silly Walks
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 8:51 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, I didn't think about the "romantic gesture" thing with regards to cooking dinner--that adds a whole new level of confusion! As a side note, he does know that I'm pansexual (but he's straight) and I think he still sees me as female sort of (he uses female pronouns about me, at least), so the misconstruing of things as romantic gestures could possibly freak him out. It's difficult to explain about my gender and sexuality and stuff, but I hadn't thought of it as relevant to this...but maybe it is? He's not transphobic, by the way.
I'm still thinking about what to do--in answer to your question, OliveOilMom, I think he especially likes classical music because he plays it a lot and tries to get his hands on all this classical sheet music. Another thing is I don't want to make the nice thing inconvenient for him at all, because he's always gone out of his way to help me (especially recently) so I've already done plenty of inconvenience. |
|
| Back to top |
|
OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6775
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
| diniesaur wrote: |
I'm still thinking about what to do--in answer to your question, OliveOilMom, I think he especially likes classical music because he plays it a lot and tries to get his hands on all this classical sheet music. Another thing is I don't want to make the nice thing inconvenient for him at all, because he's always gone out of his way to help me (especially recently) so I've already done plenty of inconvenience. |
Then see if you can find a DVD of a good symphony playing a concert of what he likes. That way you can schedule it around whenever he's free. If not a DVD, then one of the bunches of other options of watching video available nowdays that I don't really know about but the kids do.
_________________
Frances
What if Jessie's girl was Stacy's mom and her number was 867-5309? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
