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Woodfish
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14 Sep 2012, 11:17 am

not knowledgeable person here .. but .. fwiw (for what it's worth) .. i'll try to verbalize my sense of this ..

i'm diagnosed with depersonalization and derealization. it was never explained to me too much .. i think they (psychiatrists) felt i was in too bad a shape (emotionally) to make any use of it anyway ..

as i try to understand and deal with what i understand to be my own depersonalization .. i feel it is a foetus or an infant on the inside that has been disconnected from the rest of me pretty much ever since i was born ..

then what helps me is to "see" this tiny real me .. this foetus me .. and to connect to him emotionally .. iow being real .. staying real .. not beng narcissistic which i will very very easily be ..

so, still fwiw, i try to stay emotionally close to tiny infant real me for as much of the time as possible .. try to act from that perspective .. which turns out to be very different .. but also not really difficult once i begin to get a clue to what it's about ..

it's in my case a lot about staying non-verbal .. direct .. immediate .. or what i've come to think of as "staying real" .. try not to escape into flights of fancy (planning, imagining, worrying) .. mostly doing things .. rather than thinking about them .. and not least .. live in a minute by minute or maybe hour by hour perspective big part of the time .. like i imagine a small infant would .. or maybe even like a cat or a dog .. be in the body rather than in the head ..

of course not sure in any way if this agrees with anyone elses perspective, truth nor experience .. just how i'd express my own understanding .. just as i've been in denial about my aspergers and autism for a long time i have also denied my depersonalization .. and only recently felt i can in any way grapple with it consciously ..


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guzzle
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02 Apr 2014, 9:16 pm

Hope you are ok with me resurrecting this old thread.

Ann2011 wrote:
I have suffered from depersonalization disorder - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder - since about 4 years old when my parents divorced. Any sadness I showed about this was challenged with "this is the way it is, there is no need for you to be upset about it, it's not your fault." I was upset about it, but was told that this was unrealistic. Okay, so I'm blaming my parents for my problems - unacceptable. I have to take responsibility.

I lost my primary carer when I was 3. Don't actually remember it beyond a feeling. I never found out as such what had happened till I was 38. The 35 years inbetween were a journey of discovery. I was never allowed to grief over my loss, not a word was said about what had happened. I didn't know it had happened. I remember as a child when things got rough I would see a light, a glow and a voice would tell me all would be ok in the end. And it got me through. Interesting bit I pick up from the wiki link
Quote:
Patients suffering from depersonalization disorder have also certain visual stimulations such as hallucinations and rapid fluctuations in lighting. While the exact cause of these hallucinations has not yet been determined, it is generally accepted that patients suffering from them is caused by previous drug usage.
I was in primary school, drugs were not part of the equation (yet :roll: ). I spent my early years blaming my step father. In my twenties I came to the realization it was my mother that carried the blame. Managed to get over that somewhere in my early 40's.

Ann2011 wrote:
Of course, I had AS as well (although this was not diagnosed until age 39.) I was told that it was my attitude, that if I tried harder I would get along fine.
A strange thing happened around 8 years old. I tried to join the other kids in their dislike for me. Making fun of myself, putting myself down and eventually self harming - because I wanted to distance myself from myself.

Am on a waiting list to be tested for AS, only 2 years to go. Have a previous diagnosis that pinpoints attachment issues.
In primary school I had no friends. Never really got bullied either. Just was the strange one. I remember sitting in class when I was 8 looking at myself through the window from a bird's eye view. It was never a conscious decison to do so. My first self harm was more to do with feeling myself for real so to speak. I remember I would get bored in gym classes when I was 9 and would suck my arm to the point I gave myself a love bite. Sort of a kind of confirmation to myself of me actually existing I suppose. Is how I would describe it now anyway.

Ann2011 wrote:
I continued in this vein until I discovered intoxicants which I love to this day because they are the only thing that gives me an interest in myself.

I self medicate with weed. Have done so for many years now. It sort of helps me deal with a world that doesn't make sense to me. Actually, the world does. Just that society doesn't. I have always had an interest in myself ever since that day I sucked my arm for the first time. I have been told by many that I have a large amount of self-knowledge. My mental reaction is along the lines of 'So What? Don't you?' but I've learnt to keep that to myself.

Ann2011 wrote:
But this is what concerns me now. The only way I can take an interest in myself or anything else is to be high on something.

Sorry, can't relate to that. I used to read a lot but as my eyes got worse I read little now. I can't keep the concentration as I used to either. Smoking is a stim. An average spliff last me a couple of hours as it tends to need relighting regularly. Inbetween it will just hang there, between my lips. I've tried lolly sucking but it's not the same if I put it between my lips. If I smoke plain tobacco I will smoke more than double. My continuous smoking does cause me to have little motivation at times but I still manage to do that what needs doing somehow. I'm a first class procrastinator but even with that I have managed to learn to some degree to recognize it in myself and deal with it.

Ann2011 wrote:
I think I may, at some point, have killed off my soul. And I'm wondering if there is any way to get it back.
Has anyone out there been able to recover their soul and take an interest in themselves after years of abuse. I still hold out hope.

What makes you think you have killed off your soul? What is soul to you?

Today I visited friends and ended up spending part of the afternoon having a real long ta ta ta chat with their 11-month old and it was one of the most liberating and enlightening experiences I have had for a long time. The toddler loved it and I didn't have to make sense whatsoever. My spirit was happy and free and not bound by the social conventions that define my humanity.



Ann2011
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02 Apr 2014, 9:54 pm

Wow, that brings back some memories. And I don't mind you resurrecting it. I think I'm a little closer to finding my soul now than I was when I wrote that. And I am capable of being happy when not stoned, so that's an improvement.
I can really relate to your description of looking at yourself through the window. I would look out the window and pretend I was walking away.


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02 Apr 2014, 11:44 pm

Nice to hear you have found the strength within so to speak :D Way to go 8)



em_tsuj
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03 Apr 2014, 1:01 am

What did you do to get better?



Ann2011
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03 Apr 2014, 1:09 am

Well, I've been in a stable living environment now for several years and this is allowing me to recover from untreated depression and anxiety. And at the same time I've been taking medications that actually work.
As far as not having to be high to be happy (unless you count prescription meds,) I think that's a result of stability too.


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People are strange, when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone.
Morrison/Krieger