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Stargazer43
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12 Apr 2014, 6:09 pm

I'm just curious, how do most of you maintain contact with people you're dating, in the early stages (first few dates)?

I use online dating mostly, and I find keeping in contact super-easy before we meet up. You just send a message back and forth every day or two, to get to know each other. After meeting the person though, I'm a little more confused. Should I keep sending a message every day or so through the dating site? Should I send them occasional texts to keep in touch? Should we call each other now and then? Should we keep contact to a minimal and only make it to schedule/plan a next date?

I imagine that it gets easier to figure out once you start developing a closer relationship. I ask because I find that women very seldomly take initiative with making contact or plans, so the onus lies almost entirely on me (noooo!). But, a lot of the communication feels almost forced. To try and explain better, it feels like you need to find some way to get to know the other person in between the once-every-1-or-2-weeks that you see each other, but I don't know how best to manage that.



Ann2011
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12 Apr 2014, 7:17 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
I'm just curious, how do most of you maintain contact with people you're dating, in the early stages (first few dates)?

I was just wondering this too and have no idea. My new friend and I went for a drink yesterday and talked for two hours, made plans to meet tomorrow and chatted last night. So I texted him this morning just to say hi and he hasn't texted me back. I find this odd. But on the other hand he does have a life.


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aspiemike
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12 Apr 2014, 10:24 pm

I have found that contact in the early stages of dating and relationships should primarily be for asking the other person out and do something and to keep text messages and phone calls to a minimum. You are trying to build a personal face-to-face connection, and text or phone conversations don't often allow for that to happen. Those things should come later on when the relationship becomes more established and more comfortable.


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yellowtamarin
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13 Apr 2014, 3:11 am

aspiemike wrote:
I have found that contact in the early stages of dating and relationships should primarily be for asking the other person out and do something and to keep text messages and phone calls to a minimum. You are trying to build a personal face-to-face connection, and text or phone conversations don't often allow for that to happen. Those things should come later on when the relationship becomes more established and more comfortable.

I agree with this. I would never talk on the phone between dates but that's just a personal thing because I hate phonecalls. I'm okay with the odd relevant text but I wouldn't just chat back and forth via text between dates. Also, I wouldn't contact someone through the dating site we met on, after we had met in person. It's a tool that has now served its purpose so you move on to the next stage which is dates.

Having said all that, my dates tend to be closer together than yours. I wouldn't like to wait two weeks before seeing someone again, when I'm trying to decide if we are compatible.



voltagesparks
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13 Apr 2014, 3:24 am

For NTs, it's completely normal to text in between dates. Girls tend to like it especially because it shows them you are thinking about them. I would avoid phonecalls at all costs during the initial stage of dating. Like yellowtamarin said, it's too personal. Good luck!



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13 Apr 2014, 5:17 am

(Responding to the OP)

I am in the (very) early stages of romancing somebody here ("Hi" if you're reading this :D). I won't say more as I don't know how public she wants to make it at this stage.

We intent to meet for coffee and a chat next week; I'm not sure if either of us truly thinks of it as a "date" in the formal sense of the word, but hopefully it will be the start of something beautiful; we both deserve happiness after what we have been through over the years.

I have phoned her, but only when certain important things have cropped up. For mostly logistical reasons we weren't able to meet last week and we agreed to keep in contact online until we meet up this week.

I feel it's important to let her know I'm thinking of her, so I have been sending her messages, updates and inspiring photos/quotes on Facebook or forum PM; we're also following each other on Twitter; she replies now and then, when she feels it appropriate.

So try not to overload your lady with too much to begin with; she might feel pressured and it will use up some of the stuff you might use as talking points on your first few dates/meetups.

Good luck :D


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Stargazer43
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13 Apr 2014, 1:28 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
I have found that contact in the early stages of dating and relationships should primarily be for asking the other person out and do something and to keep text messages and phone calls to a minimum. You are trying to build a personal face-to-face connection, and text or phone conversations don't often allow for that to happen. Those things should come later on when the relationship becomes more established and more comfortable.


I agree with this. I would never talk on the phone between dates but that's just a personal thing because I hate phonecalls. I'm okay with the odd relevant text but I wouldn't just chat back and forth via text between dates. Also, I wouldn't contact someone through the dating site we met on, after we had met in person. It's a tool that has now served its purpose so you move on to the next stage which is dates.

Having said all that, my dates tend to be closer together than yours. I wouldn't like to wait two weeks before seeing someone again, when I'm trying to decide if we are compatible.


Thanks for the advice, both of your posts were very detailed and helpful. I usually try and aim to see someone once a week, but it seems like more often than not it ends up being every 2 weeks. Things like long workdays, vacations, and weekend trips often get in the way. Not to mention, I prefer to do things on the weekends so that we can actually do something more interesting than going to a restaurant or coffee after work.



aspiemike
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13 Apr 2014, 6:31 pm

^^

Now it's just a matter of letting things fall in place then. Something I know I have struggled with in my life many times. Realistically, due to the Aspergers traits of engaging in intense interests to keep you happy, you should have an advantage in this area over many other types of men and women. Not only are you actually keeping yourself busy, you get to enjoy your time to. The disadvantages may come out as the relationship progresses, but you have to remember to enjoy your time apart from the other and they have to remember this for themselves as well.


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Cafeaulait
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14 Apr 2014, 9:58 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
I have found that contact in the early stages of dating and relationships should primarily be for asking the other person out and do something and to keep text messages and phone calls to a minimum. You are trying to build a personal face-to-face connection, and text or phone conversations don't often allow for that to happen. Those things should come later on when the relationship becomes more established and more comfortable.

I agree with this. I would never talk on the phone between dates but that's just a personal thing because I hate phonecalls. I'm okay with the odd relevant text but I wouldn't just chat back and forth via text between dates. Also, I wouldn't contact someone through the dating site we met on, after we had met in person. It's a tool that has now served its purpose so you move on to the next stage which is dates.

Having said all that, my dates tend to be closer together than yours. I wouldn't like to wait two weeks before seeing someone again, when I'm trying to decide if we are compatible.


You make me think again. I've been dating an aspie (male) for about 2 months now. Our first date was februari 15 and from then on we've seen each other twice a week. But now we haven't seen each other anymore in two entire weeks (since march 31). He already announced that he was going to be very busy these two weeks, because he had a big exam coming up and he had a lot of schoolwork to chatch up. He also has a job of about 24 hours a week, in the evenings. I get that he is busy, but I feel very neglected. Yes, he sends me some whatsapp messages everyday, but I guess that's not enough for me. We live in the same city at a 20 minute walking distance of each other. How hard is it for him to stop by my house for a few hours after work or something.
I feel like I have to do ALL the work. I was the one to ask him (5 days after we had last seen each other) when we were going to see each other again. He then said: tuesday (april 8th), from 22:00 to 23:30 after work, at a bar. I got that he didn't have a lot of time and that he had to get up really early the next morning, but it still frustrated me. We hadn't seen each other for over a week and then he just wanted to chat up for a mere 2 hours at some bar? I just got so angry on the inside. After I said no, he said that maybe we could see each other on thursdayevening if he got all of his work done in time. He didn't even contact me about it on thursday. Like, nothing.... Days past, and now it's monday. His exams are over. It's been two weeks. There is whatsapping, but there is no initiative coming from his side to see me. It just frustrates me SO bad.



voltagesparks
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14 Apr 2014, 10:22 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
I have found that contact in the early stages of dating and relationships should primarily be for asking the other person out and do something and to keep text messages and phone calls to a minimum. You are trying to build a personal face-to-face connection, and text or phone conversations don't often allow for that to happen. Those things should come later on when the relationship becomes more established and more comfortable.

I agree with this. I would never talk on the phone between dates but that's just a personal thing because I hate phonecalls. I'm okay with the odd relevant text but I wouldn't just chat back and forth via text between dates. Also, I wouldn't contact someone through the dating site we met on, after we had met in person. It's a tool that has now served its purpose so you move on to the next stage which is dates.

Having said all that, my dates tend to be closer together than yours. I wouldn't like to wait two weeks before seeing someone again, when I'm trying to decide if we are compatible.


You make me think again. I've been dating an aspie (male) for about 2 months now. Our first date was februari 15 and from then on we've seen each other twice a week. But now we haven't seen each other anymore in two entire weeks (since march 31). He already announced that he was going to be very busy these two weeks, because he had a big exam coming up and he had a lot of schoolwork to chatch up. He also has a job of about 24 hours a week, in the evenings. I get that he is busy, but I feel very neglected. Yes, he sends me some whatsapp messages everyday, but I guess that's not enough for me. We live in the same city at a 20 minute walking distance of each other. How hard is it for him to stop by my house for a few hours after work or something.
I feel like I have to do ALL the work. I was the one to ask him (5 days after we had last seen each other) when we were going to see each other again. He then said: tuesday (april 8th), from 22:00 to 23:30 after work, at a bar. I got that he didn't have a lot of time and that he had to get up really early the next morning, but it still frustrated me. We hadn't seen each other for over a week and then he just wanted to chat up for a mere 2 hours at some bar? I just got so angry on the inside. After I said no, he said that maybe we could see each other on thursdayevening if he got all of his work done in time. He didn't even contact me about it on thursday. Like, nothing.... Days past, and now it's monday. His exams are over. It's been two weeks. There is whatsapping, but there is no initiative coming from his side to see me. It just frustrates me SO bad.


I think this might give you a glimpse of how things would be in a relationship with him: you'd have to drag him around like a dead horse and be the initiative one in a relationship. If his busy period is really over I see no reason for him not to insist on seeing you more often.



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14 Apr 2014, 10:36 am

I think it is important to not be too bothersome and keep contact to things that matter, but nothing that you should handle in person or at least over the phone. Nothing too obsessive or intrusive or weird. So mostly keep it to arranging when you are hanging out, things they will find interesting, and commenting on how things went. You can be playful if they are that kind of person though. It depends. If you learn anything in engineering that is the answer 50 percent of the time. Just make sure communication is meaningful and takes the other person into account. And if you can't, let them make the next move, or maybe it just isn't meant to be.



Cafeaulait
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14 Apr 2014, 10:52 am

voltagesparks wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
I have found that contact in the early stages of dating and relationships should primarily be for asking the other person out and do something and to keep text messages and phone calls to a minimum. You are trying to build a personal face-to-face connection, and text or phone conversations don't often allow for that to happen. Those things should come later on when the relationship becomes more established and more comfortable.

I agree with this. I would never talk on the phone between dates but that's just a personal thing because I hate phonecalls. I'm okay with the odd relevant text but I wouldn't just chat back and forth via text between dates. Also, I wouldn't contact someone through the dating site we met on, after we had met in person. It's a tool that has now served its purpose so you move on to the next stage which is dates.

Having said all that, my dates tend to be closer together than yours. I wouldn't like to wait two weeks before seeing someone again, when I'm trying to decide if we are compatible.


You make me think again. I've been dating an aspie (male) for about 2 months now. Our first date was februari 15 and from then on we've seen each other twice a week. But now we haven't seen each other anymore in two entire weeks (since march 31). He already announced that he was going to be very busy these two weeks, because he had a big exam coming up and he had a lot of schoolwork to chatch up. He also has a job of about 24 hours a week, in the evenings. I get that he is busy, but I feel very neglected. Yes, he sends me some whatsapp messages everyday, but I guess that's not enough for me. We live in the same city at a 20 minute walking distance of each other. How hard is it for him to stop by my house for a few hours after work or something.
I feel like I have to do ALL the work. I was the one to ask him (5 days after we had last seen each other) when we were going to see each other again. He then said: tuesday (april 8th), from 22:00 to 23:30 after work, at a bar. I got that he didn't have a lot of time and that he had to get up really early the next morning, but it still frustrated me. We hadn't seen each other for over a week and then he just wanted to chat up for a mere 2 hours at some bar? I just got so angry on the inside. After I said no, he said that maybe we could see each other on thursdayevening if he got all of his work done in time. He didn't even contact me about it on thursday. Like, nothing.... Days past, and now it's monday. His exams are over. It's been two weeks. There is whatsapping, but there is no initiative coming from his side to see me. It just frustrates me SO bad.


I think this might give you a glimpse of how things would be in a relationship with him: you'd have to drag him around like a dead horse and be the initiative one in a relationship. If his busy period is really over I see no reason for him not to insist on seeing you more often.


Yes, that is one thing I am afraid of. The strange thing is that he feels that he is taking the initiative an equal amount of times. He says: if you wouldn't have asked me I would have asked you that same day. But I just don't believe it.
And then at the same time I wonder if I am too clingy. This whole situation makes me insecure.