Boyfriend on the spectrum?? or a socio path?

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TYPO! Yes I realized that it sounds like I am not but I AM. I was crying when I wrote this. A bit of a mess I would say.

I know. I am sorry for your mom. I just dont know whats real anymore. What am I seeing and what is not really there. I feel like my brain is freaking out and I cannot find the right path. I dont know how much is me or how much is him.

I have given great advice to women in a situation such as mine. But I know its only advice because its easier said than done. I was the pain in my first marriage and I caused him to lash out at me in the end too. So I feel I turn men into monsters because of all the stuff I did not know about myself in the past. Now I finally understand and can find ways to cope with myself and its too late. I already turned him. He loves me and hates me.

Well either way it really does sound like you would both benefit from a short break from eachother at the very least. Could you move somewhere else for couple of months?

OUCH…ok, I can see how this is really, REALLY bad…

One thing that really would have helped you would have been if you'd gotten married before kids entered the picture. It would have helped because then you'd have a way out of this through the legal process and the justice system. As it stands for you right now there isn't much you CAN do.

The only thing you've got going for you is that since you DON'T have any legal commitment, you really can just turn and walk away, as difficult as that may sound, and he's basically screwed. What you'd want to do is document his abuse and begin proceedings to get sole custody of the kids. In your situation, given your own past behavioral issues, AT WORST you'll BOTH lose custody of your children. You want what's best for your kids, so as heartbreaking as it would be if you were forced to give them up, it's better for you both to lose them than to risk them ending up with him if there's a risk that he'll hurt either or both you/them. BTW, I have no love for the foster system, but your options are limited here. If you try to walk away, which you really CAN do, you can ultimately work out some co-parenting situation that limits his contact with them or, if you're worried, restricts that contact to a supervised situation. Sounds to me that maybe he'd feel better not being responsible for the "little brats" anyway [/sarc]

But you're under ZERO obligation to stay with the guy. You're only obligated to allow him to see his kids, and it's possible you can do something about that. I'm not pretending that it will be easy.

And I know all about the whole "love" thing. I was in a relationship in which my gf was mentally/verbally abusive towards me. She would pick on me until I'd had enough and then I'd blow up at her, which ended with her crying, making ME feel guilty as though my loss of control was entirely my fault. I suppose no one else is responsible for how I respond to things, but I woke up one day and decided then and there that I was NOT this bizarre raging monster she had me believing that I was. I'm not ordinarily a mean or violent person, so why was I letting her get to me? Because I loved her? Love isn't worth this. I loved her deeply even on the day I broke up with her and afterwards, but love wasn't worth living this way anymore. Not for myself, and certainly not for her. From what I understand she's happily married with a girl of her own. I'm married with three kids, and the only yelling I do is to get my kids' attention when it's necessary. My wife doesn't accuse or belittle me, trash me in front of her friends, and if I'm in a bad mood she's supportive. We don't yell at each other, we don't manipulate each other, and if we have differences on things we work them out.

What YOU have to do, and I realize your situation is different from mine, is reach the point where you honestly and completely believe that it takes so much more than just love to make a relationship and a family go. That it takes more than one person. And that if you're the only person making it work you can do that alone just as well as you can with someone else. And that if you're being abused, no matter how much you love that person, you're at least just as well on your own.

I understand how hard it can be to believe that it's that simple, but it really is. And until you believe it and until you want it, it's not going to be any easier than it is now. I still think your relationship can be salvaged, but only if HE wants it to be. You have to talk with him about it, take the kids away with you for a weekend while he makes up his own mind, and be FIRM and RESOLVED that you're really doing this. Get him to understand that the next move is HIS to make, that you ARE coming back and you ARE giving him a real opportunity. Hopefully he'll come out on your side on this. You can't reasonably expect a whole bunch of instant changes, but you need to come up with a plan for dealing with difficult emotions and behaviors. I take care of my own kids all day and nobody gets a break from being a parent, but my wife does understand that at the end of the day I just need a little quiet time to settle down and recharge my mental/emotional batteries. I put in a good 8 hours a day with diaper changes/potty training, etc., and the least she can do is take over for 4. I take over story-time/bed-time hour, settle the little one down, and another successful day of parenting comes to an end. But I need help and gentle reminding if I'm doing something wrong or inconsistent. We have a plan for that, and you have to discuss what it is you both expect from the relationship and how to deal with rough patches.

You mentioned he threw tequila in your face, which leads me to suspect alcohol is somewhat moderating our moods here. Might be best to cut down on alcohol or just not be around each other while consuming. We both quit drinking almost 3 years ago, mostly to be good examples for our kids by avoiding the appearance of something potentially questionable, partly to cut our budget, and partly because we've been through some tough times and alcohol had become a crutch. I don't know how that plays into your situation…it's just a hunch. If it's not applicable, please disregard.

At any rate, you can't change him. He has to make up his own mind. I wouldn't completely give up. But I'd gently, calmly communicate that I care about this person, that I really do want things to work out, but I can't do this alone. I'd tell that person that THIS is where I am right now, that I need this person on my side, or else for everybody's sakes I'm going to have to get out. If I didn't care, I wouldn't think about taking this step, but for the good of everyone here I am. YOU have to decide. If YOU want to try to move forward, WE have to get help together and WE have to work things out. I'm willing to give YOU time and I'm willing to help YOU, but I have to know that YOU want to make this work. YOU are hurting me and I understand you need help. Take some time to decide whether you want help. If you don't want help, then we are better off apart and we'll work something out for the kids. You have to understand this has nothing to do with whether I love you or not…I love you, always will…but WE can't live like this.

I mean, sounds like he's a pretty controlling character anyway, and basically what you'd be doing is willingly and consciously putting him in direct control of the situation. Whether you stay together or break up and work out custody would be entirely up to HIS decisions. If he honestly tries to correct his behavior and makes a few slip-ups, which will happen because this is going to take a lot of work and a lot of time on his and your part, then you keep supporting him and working things out from day to day. Have a plan for when behavior is unmanageable, when you both need to just take a time out and resume normal relationships, say, an hour or two later, or whatever. If he absolutely refuses to work with you, then HE has made the decision, not you. And he understands the consequences. YOU didn't do it…HE did. You have your exit plan and you get out. When correcting behavior, you HAVE to allow for mistakes to be made and rules broken. It's when no effort is being applied on BOTH ends that it breaks down. And you can show him how his actions leave you few alternatives. If he wants to be in control, PUT him in control, and if things get run into the ground, HE ran it into the ground. Make sense?

Whoa whoa, let's not get ahead of ourselves here okay. Losing custody of children? Wtf? Nobody needs to lose anything here and anyway motherhood doesn't work that way. The boyfriend needs to lose the attitude and get acquainted with the concept of compromise and harmonious coexistence.

I'm not looking to get into a heated argument over it, and confrontation isn't going to help anyone. She mentioned there were some issues in the past that might potentially pose some custodial concerns. You have to cover all the bases. I'm trying to address the fact that kids need not become a bargaining chip should she be forced to end the relationship. An abusive, controlling bf is not above airing dirty laundry and threatening taking the kids should things get ugly. I mean, good grief, she already believes she "turned" her bf and blames herself based on her past experiences.

I agree that the bf needs to make some decisions here. But "motherhood doesn't work that way"? Try "parenthood doesn't work that way." Yes, it does. It's not uncommon for Child Protective Services to base removing kids from homes on one or more parents being on the spectrum. We're no strangers to DHS, and thankfully when we got visits from social workers the accusations against us seemed so outlandish compared with reality that even the social workers had to admit the calls had to be from a crazy person.

But crazy or not, we're still in the system. That's not an easy thing to live with.

My philosophy is always hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Salvage the relationship if at all possible. Have a plan to get out if it becomes necessary.

Labels such as Autism or Sociopath only help so much and you shouldn't get to attached to trying to categorize people. In fact, don't categorize people. Think less of what people say they are and what they do, the same about yourself, and whether you can do anything about that.

Very true.

I'm not taking it for granted that this is necessarily the case, though. If someone has real issues they are dealing with and need help with, then, yeah, there are going to be good periods among the bad. But we understand the bad period for what they are. I make mistakes all the time. I'm moody. Things like that. I just say, "hey, I'm feeling REALLY depressed or anxious right now and I'm a little high strung. I just need to be by myself for a little while until I can relax and hopefully get over it. I'm not mad at anyone, but I don't want to get short with anyone, either, so it's best to just keep our distance for a little while." My wife can usually tell when I'm really, REALLY trying hard not to yell at the kids (just being kids, not really doing anything bad, but I'm just having a little trouble with the noise level), so she'll be like "come on, let's go watch a movie or read that new book…"

I think she could really help her guy out. You can easily transform this from being an abusive situation to more of an anger management situation, i.e. she understands cognitively there's a storm going on, so she can take a more compassionate approach by helping him deal with wild emotions by simply changing the context. He has room to blow up if he needs to blow up, and nobody gets hurt. It's all about steering things in that kind of direction rather than just letting things run completely out of control. We're finding an appropriate mechanism not far removed from the original abusive behavior, but removed just far enough that it doesn't have to manifest as definitive abusive behavior.

I agree, I have just been trying to figure out whats been up with him and I want to help. I cant help if I dont know what the issue is. But I cant really help if he doesnt want to know either. He has sociopath in his dads side from what I was informed. It just made me think maybe he has traits of it. He relates to both so much though, I just hope its something we can learn from rather than thinking he is just a bad person now. Its that "ray of sunshine" I hold on too. Weird, but it helps me cope.

This is true. I was talking to his mom the other day and typically it seems he tries. Does things when needed, is a great dad, helps when the kids become to much for me and will take time for "us" time etc. He only blows up mostly when the same situation keeps happening. Talking to my counselor he said we need to figure out a way to let me know when that situation is reoccurring as I only see its the same AFTER it has happened. So when he wines down for the night after a long week and he decides to have a drink then stay clear. Allow him to have that time. I dont have a hobbie or a place of my own in this house so I just wined up walking around until I go back and bug him again. I wish I could tell when he gives me signs other than when its too late and he is pushing me away or being hurtful. By then its too late for him and for me. I dont get the boundry thing. I take care of the kids all day, he comes home and I want to be with him when they sleep. He does it but after a while I am sure he needs his time too. I just dont get when or how long or whatever and it mingles with his stress and he flips. I think the taunting and the abuse has rose from my neediness and inability to entertain myself when I have no plan. I am NEVER saying what he does is acceptable I am just saying I have looked back on a few recent ones and I can see where I go wrong. He tells me to leave but I have to keep pushing cause I do not understand. If I just walked away when he tells me then I would probably never go through this. He is getting meaner and meaner but I seriously think in his head he is saying "I cant win so why fight it" or something similar. He doesnt do the taunting or the physical abuse or the mental emotional till he is pushed to that state. Then its hard to switch off. Thats why we are moving. The begining of next month we are going to a three bedroom wtih a loft and he said he is willing to see if this will work. Here I will have my OWN room with ALL the things I LIKE and I can start up my old hobbies and collections and it can be ALL mine. So when he wants to have time on his game and have a drink then I can acutally have a place to go to. He said he would see the autistic therapist with me so he can understand better and how to deal but he refuses to seek out someone for himself. Its a start though. He wants to give up because he doesnt want to hate me. So this moving out my own room deal is our last straw. One moment that resembles what we have gone through in this house, then its over. He has threatened to take the kids but only when he has been in that state. Other times he said it would never go down like that. I am a stay at home mom so I am with them all day long. I have never HURT my kids nor would I but my mental past with depression, tantrum/meltdowns etc. will be on record and I have a fear if he does try to take them, that he will win regardless of how awesome of a mom I am. My history could destroy me. He is very immature. He gets scary at times but usually when he is pushed over. Its hard to explain and I do not want to make excuses but daily he is very dedicated, hard working loves the kids and I and tends to my needs to the best he can. I cause stress on anyone, so why wouldnt someone living with me be worn down after a few years? He does horrible things, but they do not out number his good things. I accept his flaws I just need to learn how to understand them and look for his cues. This I feel can be saved. After a good talk with my counselor he agrees that my therapist and I need to focus on teaching me some social skills etc. that may help diffuse tension in situations. When I got my diagnosis the counselor said the tests show that my social skills are very low like a child. Like I think very much like a kid. So what do kids do when they do not understand something or they dont get their way? They push and they keep going with a subject unless they are punished or redirected. Thats me. I am high functioning as in I can tend to my kids, family and bills dress up and take showers but I just dont get other peoples motives or logic if its not in my interest. That is the hardest part because I cant just change that about me. Its how I am wired. He was never physically abusive in the beginning. There is only so much someone can take of the same behaviors I am assuming. He has learned to fight fire with fire so to speak. I hope my diagnosis is not too late and we can turn things around to where it use to be. Getting away from this awful place will help I think. You cant heal when your living in your pain and reminded everyday of it. Abuse is abuse, but not all abuse is because someone WANTS to hurt. My lashing outs were never a WANT I know his are not either. He is worth another try. I really like what you have said. It brings up more parts to the issue then just my being upset and ranting about what happened. There is always two sides to the story. I have only shown my side and tried to give a glimps of his but I cant speak for him.

IMO, there is never, never, never any reason for that type of abuse. What your children are learning in this type of enviroment is if you have more power than someone else it is OK to "control" them by abuse or the threat of abuse.

He might not be physically abusing you but he sure the hell is emotionally abusing you which IS abuse and this abuse IS effecting your children, he is going to destroy you and your children, if you let him.

This is a classic abusive and manipulative relationship. This is why many women stay with their abusers, it is always the same...

They think they can change their lover, they always say things like "if he wasn't like this, he'd be perfect!" and "He loves me he just needs to get through this!"

He is mentally abusing you, you and your children are not "safe" and he is most defiantly not going to change. The question is, is that the life you want for yourself and most of all for your children?

My ex was like this, leaving him was the best choice I have ever made.

I get it. I dont wanna put my kids in a bad situation. I have one more trick up my sleeve and if that doesnt work then it will prove that this relationship is a take take take for him. I wont allow my kids to grow up in a hurtful environment. I have been there, I remember what it was like. My son and daughter are typically in bed and on the other side of the house when we have our blow ups and a few times he has allowed things to get explosive with me in front of them but maybe 3 times in the 3 1/2 years I have had kids so its not something they witness on a daily basis. I wont let it get that way. I do love him and I want to try one more thing. If it does not work I have already told my sister I will be staying with her for a while with the kids and she is prepared. I have had a few days to think of this so I am getting all my "ducks" in a row. Yes he has become abusive, something I never thought he would be, but what we have together is something I have never found in anyone else. Its hard to rip away from someone who suits you so well at the same time. We have a lot going on and I think we are both immature on knowing how to handle it all. I can hope this change will help us. I am not a crazy girl who will allow her man to beat and put her down day in and day out. This is different, not good, but its not the worst. When we leave this place all his awful childhood memories will stay here, he doesnt have to be reminded of his pain everyday and how worthless his family life was. He has always wanted the best for his kids and me. You will not be able to heal from the stings if you keep yourself inside the hive. Only time will tell. I will give it a few months in the new home. The first sign of anything gone bad, I am out or making him leave either or. I have not told him my plan because I do not want to give him ideas or to let him know how I am feeling right now. I think its best to just keep it to myself and allow him to heal without the thought of me leaving. Plus, it will make it easier for me to just up and leave without him knowing IF it does decided to get bad. Who knows, maybe it will be a huge change. Never know till you try.