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Ann2011
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15 Apr 2014, 11:59 am

I have met someone for whom I have very strong feelings, but he's married. He's been with his wife for 23 years, but hasn't been intimate in 8 and is talking about leaving her. I've been around long enough to know that people don't break up so easily after that much time invested. But he's the first man I've ever met who I feel so close to. So it seems I have taken on the role of mistress. I just want to be free to enjoy him and our feelings for each other, but am not. I can't not see him as my feelings are too strong, but it's really put me in a tailspin.
And on another front I have an appointment with the bankruptcy trustee tomorrow. I thought I would be able to get a job that payed well, but it seems my coping skills are getting worse with age, not better and I am beginning to think that I can't work at all.
So I'm a mistress and a deadbeat; just what I had always aspired to (sarcasm.)


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Dantac
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15 Apr 2014, 12:41 pm

You know deep down that you should not have even considered getting involved with someone who is married. But it happened.

Dissemble the situation.

1- How is it that he stays married 8 years of having no intimacy? Why?

If its because he loves her then this issue would either have been resolved years ago -or- there is a reason why they're still together. Financial? kids? He's been having mistresses to fulfill his needs? Could his cheating on her constantly be a reason for his situation? Maybe its his wife being unfaithful? Would she get all of his stuff if he divorces her?

2- He tells you he's 'thinking' about leaving his wife. Really? 8 years and he's only considering it now? That doesn't make sense.

3- IF one of #1's possible reasons for his situation is that he is a chronic cheater then you need to consider the very real possibility you're his latest 'catch'. The easiest mistress to keep around is the one that clings on the hope he will leave his wife for her.

You're in a situation where he could very well be simply using you. Either by lying to you about his marriage situation (aka he's simply cheating on the wife and feeds you the story to keep you around) or it being true and him just keeping you as mistress because that is all he needs.

In the long term you need keep in mind he is cheating on his wife. He will do that to you in the future too.

Only advice I can give is to get a solid answer, backed by actions, from him. If he really wants to be with you, he should divorce her and then he can be with you. If he stalls for more time tell him he can have all the time he wants but you wont see or talk to him until he does. He's had 8 years to do something about it and if he doesn't grow a pair to be with you then honestly, why do you want him in your life?



Ann2011
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15 Apr 2014, 1:58 pm

Well, I only have his word to go on. He says he has no kids and is financially secure and that his wife has lost interest in their marriage. He could be a serial cheater. I have no way no to know.
The thing is, I don't have any expectation that he will leave his wife. Although it bugs me that our time is limited, I'm willing to go on being his mistress indefinitely. I'm just so lonely and starved for companionship, I'll take what I can get. It is so rare for me to have these feelings for someone (He is only the second person I've met who I have these feelings for and I'm 43.) He may well be using me, but I suppose I'm using him too. We haven't been intimate yet, but rather have spent our time talking, and we have so much in common. I'm sure we will be intimate soon as we are both attracted to each other.
I don't feel any guilt with regard to his wife. I don't see her as my concern. However the situation is rife with potholes and I'm sure I'll fall into one eventually. It's just hard to resist when being with him is so pleasant.
Thanks Dantac for your input. These questions are good ones and I am mindful of them.


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Marky9
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15 Apr 2014, 2:14 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
I'm willing to go on being his mistress indefinitely. .. It is so rare for me to have these feelings for someone

I would view that as a mature, informed choice. Congrats on having this opportunity come your way.

Ann2011 wrote:
However the situation is rife with potholes and I'm sure I'll fall into one eventually. It's just hard to resist when being with him is so pleasant.

My experience has been that all relationships are rife with (potential) potholes; they are just part of the rollercoaster called Romance.

I try to keep in mind I quote I once read (attributed to Jackie Kennedy, I think): "Life is so full of troubles and sorrow, who are we to second-guess those moments of joy that may come our way?"

And if things don't work out perfectly, I try to remember another favorite: "Don't cry because it is over; just smile because it happened!" :D


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Ann2011
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15 Apr 2014, 2:18 pm

Marky9 wrote:
I try to keep in mind I quote I once read (attributed to Jackie Kennedy, I think): "Life is so full of troubles and sorrow, who are we to second-guess those moments of joy that may come our way?"

Exactly . . . my life has been so full of pain, I can't afford to ignore moments of happiness.


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Dantac
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15 Apr 2014, 9:56 pm

I only hope it is not an illusory happiness and that you don't get hurt because of it. I do wish you the best though..hope it works out :) .



Ann2011
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16 Apr 2014, 8:30 pm

Thanks Dantac . . . The reality of his unavailability is sinking in. I wish for once I could just have a normal relationship. Tomorrow we are meeting and planning on having sex for the first time. I'm nervous which is kind of silly at this stage of my life. Time will tell if this is a relationship I can handle. I think I am fearing that I will fall in love with him (we really do get along that well.) But I will try to keep my heart to myself and just enjoy his company. I'm so jaded I will probably be able to do so.
On the bankruptcy front, I had my appointment today and I go in tomorrow to sign the papers and surrender my car. This sucks as driving is one of the things I do to relax, but it's my own fault, so I'll suck it up and try to learn from it. I will never ever get another credit card - I can't handle credit. But really I'm lucky that bankruptcy is an option. They used to send debtors to prison.


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Ann2011
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17 Apr 2014, 8:15 pm

Okay this is getting complicated . . . we spent the afternoon together and "fooled around" in his truck. But he stopped me and then we just talked. He said he felt guilty. We talked and drove around the countryside for a long time and it was so pleasant. He is so alive. He seems to be planning to leave his wife and asked if he could crash at my and my Mom's place if he gets unexpectedly booted out. He seems to be smitten with me (as I am with him.) But I am fearful. I don't want him to leave his wife for me only to be disappointed. He is so alive, but I barely am. I'm so jaded; I don't want to let him down. And I'm also fearful to trust someone and let myself care. My current numb, death come hither attitude to life will not work if I am with him. I will have to come back from where I've been hiding and I am so afraid to do that. I feel like a long sleeping vampire, like Akasha, and I'm scared to wake up.


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vickygleitz
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17 Apr 2014, 10:19 pm

Never trust anyone who would cheat on their wife. Ever. Never believe one word they say. Ever. Also, to tell the truth, if I met you IRl, I would never leave you alone with my husband. Ever. As far as being hurt by him, that is sad, but better you than his wife. This is not fair to her. She is a real part of his whole life. You are someone he has attached a fantasy to. It has nothing to do with how wonderful you may or may not be. There are decent men out there. Don't you find it disgusting that he would share details of his sex life [or lack thereof] with the person he has pledged his life to with a woman who would actually sleep with a married man?

In my 1300 posts, this is the first time I have been this angry.



Vomelche
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18 Apr 2014, 12:40 am

I would say take it slow and not rush in this situation. Go by feel and trial and error. There is no clear right or easy way, to deal with it. Also you might want to casually fill him in on your financial situation, since this could affect how things go.



Ann2011
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18 Apr 2014, 9:49 am

vickygleitz wrote:
Never trust anyone who would cheat on their wife. Ever. Never believe one word they say. Ever. Also, to tell the truth, if I met you IRl, I would never leave you alone with my husband. Ever. As far as being hurt by him, that is sad, but better you than his wife. This is not fair to her. She is a real part of his whole life. You are someone he has attached a fantasy to. It has nothing to do with how wonderful you may or may not be. There are decent men out there. Don't you find it disgusting that he would share details of his sex life [or lack thereof] with the person he has pledged his life to with a woman who would actually sleep with a married man?

In my 1300 posts, this is the first time I have been this angry.


It's true . . . I have no respect for the institution of marriage and find myself completely unconcerned with his wife. I view that as their business, not mine. If there were children involved I would be concerned for them and in fact would act differently. I would never want to take a father away from his children (My parents divorced and my father was absent from my life.) I would not be the cause of a father leaving his children. But that's not the case. We are all adults.
I don't really understand the function of marriage when there are no children. I'm not sure that it is natural for people to spend their entire lives with one partner.


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Ann2011
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18 Apr 2014, 9:52 am

Vomelche wrote:
I would say take it slow and not rush in this situation. Go by feel and trial and error. There is no clear right or easy way, to deal with it. Also you might want to casually fill him in on your financial situation, since this could affect how things go.

Yes I'm going to have to tell him; I'm waiting for the right opportunity. He is very good with money and will not be pleased to learn that I am not.


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FireyInspiration
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18 Apr 2014, 8:45 pm

I know this will be difficult for you to hear, but it has to be said. If he's willing to leave (or at least cheat on) his wife for you, he'd be willing to leave/cheat on you for another woman. I know its hard to resist someone you like, especially if you've had the kind of love life you have had, but getting involved with someone like him could make things worse.



Atom1966
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18 Apr 2014, 10:29 pm

Starting a reltionship with someone who is married doesn't seem like a good idea but that is my humble opinion. It's complicated and on the whole it will only end up in disappointment and in a mess.



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19 Apr 2014, 12:48 am

My advise would be to end the relationship. There is no happy ending in this situation. He is using you to get needs met that his wife is not fulfilling. He is actually committed to his wife. She is number one, not you. If you were number one in his life, he would be married to you. You deserve more than to be part of an affair. I wish I knew of a painless solution but there is none. End the relationship now and feel the pain of grief or continue the relationship and feel the pain of him not being fully committed to you.

I have been in situations like this before (in fact, the only type of love relationships I have ever had are relationships like this--with unavailable partners). There is no happy ending, no matter what your feelings are telling you.



Ann2011
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19 Apr 2014, 8:57 am

em_tsuj wrote:
My advise would be to end the relationship. There is no happy ending in this situation. He is using you to get needs met that his wife is not fulfilling. He is actually committed to his wife. She is number one, not you. If you were number one in his life, he would be married to you. You deserve more than to be part of an affair. I wish I knew of a painless solution but there is none. End the relationship now and feel the pain of grief or continue the relationship and feel the pain of him not being fully committed to you.

I have been in situations like this before (in fact, the only type of love relationships I have ever had are relationships like this--with unavailable partners). There is no happy ending, no matter what your feelings are telling you.

That is nice of you to say, but I'm not sure I do deserve better. I'm 43 and no one's beating down my door. Even though he is talking about leaving his wife, I don't think he will. Perhaps it will just be a spring fling but I'll take it. I don't think I'm marriage material - I have too many problems. Other than my mother I have never been anyone's "number one" and I think this is my lot in life. Beggars can't be choosers.


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