Anxiety - very hard to make friends

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Hi

I haven't actually been diagnosed with anxiety, but it's almost a no-brainer that I have it! When I have to talk on the phone to strangers I sweat so much I have to change clothes when the conversation is over. I get dry mouth, sweaty palms etc. I obsess over things that can go wrong, play out ridiculous scenarios in my head - like if I was going sledding I'd worry that I might hit a bump and go flying 20 feet into the air and land on my head and have to be taken to emergency. Trying to learn how to snowboard is nearly impossible, I can hardly move I'm so afraid I'll fall and break something.

Making friends and socializing in general is extremely difficult. I pretty much *never* feel a strong connection when I meet people. I'm very dramatic, and enjoy storytelling and providing all the small details along the way. Sadly, I find that most people get bored and impatient when I talk. I find this so devastating. I usually feel like whenever I talk in a group setting, it always has to be fast paced and those that are witty, funny, and great at being concise tend to gain the attention of others. Where as with me, I take forever to get to the point and have a hard time talking fast. I'm also not witty at all, and not particularly funny.

I feel like most people just don't *get* me at all. In fact, I usually feel like I'm just "acting" a role. I'm not really "me". I try to be what is needed to get by in a social situation. Sometimes I can be quite good at it and have a good time.

I just wish people were interested in me. Maybe that's narcissistic, I have a fantasy that people would actually really enjoy my company! The family and friends that I do have, for the most part, really don't know me at all! They think they do, but it's all on a very superficial level. I never sit down and have a big heart to heart with anyone! Just chit chat, superficial conversations, over tea or coffee, or where ever.

I feel like my personality traits grate peoples nerves, and I have to FILTER everything I say. Sometimes I just don't feel like filtering and just go silent. What saddens me most, is that I can just stay quiet and not talk at all for an entire social situation and no one will ask me what is wrong, or engage in conversation. This really reinforces my belief that the people that I know really don't care if I talk or not, because they aren't really interested in me at all! I think I have the wrong friends! My "friends" will often take jabs at me, little mean comments about my personality. They are supposed to be jokes, but I'm super sensitive and take everything super seriously. I don't like people joking about me! I take it like a harsh criticism! Yesterday I was describing something to a "friend" and when I was done she rolled her eyes at her other friend and said "she likes to be super descriptive about everything". Like, she didn't enjoy what I had to say at all, I was basically just annoying. I just find that so sad.

My boyfriend wonders why I'm reclusive, but is it any wonder? Trying to deal with people is exhausting! I know it gets better and easier with practice. But it's just so hard to do the practicing when I have unpleasant interactions with people!

Sorry this is so long, this is quite indicative of me in general. Long winded, and taking forever to get to the point.

I have very bad anxiety around people myself. I have been diagnosed with GAD. The problem as you say is that you're not really your true self since anxiety makes you very guarded and people see you only on a superficial level. The fact is that people are self centred and can usually only complain about others. When we're anxious we become aware of this and we try to present ourselves in a certain way hoping we don't get a negative review. the problem is when you are that way you get the most negative comments for being too shy or too arrogant and aloof. People then tend to make a label in their mind about us, that we're quiet and perhaps even boring. So when you do show some expression and speak on and on about things you like, they knock you down and comment negatively again since you broke the mould they have of you in their heads.

The truth is we're anxious since we want to be liked and hope we're always gonna be in their good books, but you will never please them all - even if you're perfect. I'm reclusive too since i'm convinced i'm gonna be hounded and taken to task for any and every thing i do or say, or i am, that isn't perfect. this is an unhealthy way to see things.

it's probably the hardest thing to do, but care less of their opinion. don't place importance in it. if we're not perfect for them, then they're not perfect for us. That's the nature of people. Even the best people of all time, tend to be some of the most hated. People are not worth worrying over. If we can understand that, we'll get over this hurdle.

Thank you, what you have is said is all very true. I also think it's really important to like ourselves. I know that's just "words" but I've read that if you like yourself then other people will like you too. I am working very hard on this, and have pretty much ended all negative self talk. My psychologist said that I need to treat myself the way that I treat my cats. I thought really long and hard about that and it made perfect sense! I would never yell insults at them and I don't look at them and think negative things. They are beautiful wonderful creatures just the way they are, and I have to see myself that way too.

The problem is that my brain has been hard wired for so many years to view everyone and everything in a very negative way and while I have been working hard on changing the parts of brain concerned with negative self talk, there are many many other parts that are still damaged from years of negative thinking. This means dealing with people is hard, out of habit. I am trying to smile more, sometimes the smile feels very fake, but I just hope nobody notices!! !

What is horrible, is that after so many years of struggling with so many issues, my resting face is actually quite bitchy. This means that I'm self conscious ALL THE TIME during all interactions! So basically, any time I stop focusing on what is going on around me - whether to concentrate or read something or whatever, my poor face goes back to it's miserable relaxed position! Then people start asking me if I'm ok. Oh wow. So exhausting!

Yes, I definitely need to care less how people view me. It's more that I am constantly aware of peoples reaction to me, and I am very bothered when I can tell that someone is completely uninterested in what I'm saying, and the sad fact of the matter is that 99% of the time, I am not really being heard! I get interrupted CONSTANTLY. It's so incredibly frustrating.

Yes i know what you mean. my brain seems hardwired to being negative as well. the point about treating yourself like your pets is a very simple but very good one. i have pets too, and i love them immensely. one bird of mine has a problem with her beak, the other one is very, very anxious but i don't become angry at them for it, in fact i love them even more because of it. if only i loved myself for my imperfections that way too. loving oneself the way you are seems very simple, yet is difficult for most people out there.

i have this very sad face. random people tell me "you look sad" or "you're thinking deeply about something". but i guess if i don't bother about them and learn to be more relaxed my default face will be a lot happier looking. perhaps people interrupt us since we're not a dominant figure of the group. if we relax more i think we'll naturally become a more dominant figure in social settings.

I wonder if we should be practicing facial exercises or something! When you look at very old people, it's very obvious which people spent most of their lives smiling and which ones scowling. I want to look like a happy old person, not a miserable one. People tend to gravitate to happy people and treat them nicer, where as miserable people often get overlooked. It's sad but true.

It's all like acting. In high school we had to do audio drama by groups as a class project. We had to re record mines many times as they were complaining that I sound lifeless. I started recording my voice while reading a book and listen to it and experimented with the tones and stressing of words. Now I sound quite normal except for when I'm too tired like let's say talking late in the evening at home. Then I'd start to sound "like a robot" as my sister would describe it. I also spent a few minutes a day doing facial expressions before. It actually helped.

I am sorry but I couldn't finish reading as one thing kept bothering me. Is sledding the same as snowboarding? Because I was looking it up online and then I compared the pictures and they look like different activities. Sledding is like riding on a board with the buttocks sitting on it while snowboarding is done with two feet standing on it.

sorry...sledding is when you sit on something and you slide down a hill. Kids do it all the time. It's fun. Snowboarding is a sport. It's like skiing. You wear special boots and then attach yourself to a long slippery board. You then stand on the board and slide down the hill. It's very challenging. You have to turn all the time, because if you just went straight down you'd gain too much speed. It can be dangerous and people have died doing it. I don't think there have been many fatalities from sledding.

I have terrible anxiety. I was actually diagnosed with GAD because it never goes away.

make someone laugh, and youll have a friend...although im working on my comedian skills

Two suggestions:

Try taking the amino acid L-Theanine before social encounters
Consider joining a Meet Up Social Anxiety Group