'Boyfriend' issues - I just have to write this off of me

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Sorry people, but I just have to write this all off of me. This is going to be quite a story, so I did my best to divide it until several structured alineas.

At the beginning of february I met a boy through tinder. He is 24 and I am 22, we are both university students. We live in the same city at a 15 minute walking distance, but we are originally from different cities. We got along online and we decided to go on a first date (15th of february). On that first date he told me that he had aspergers syndrome. It was a fine date and after that we saw each other two days a week, mostly in the evenings. This is because he is a very busy person. He studies law at the university, and so he has to go to workgroups and lectures every day. He also works from 17.00 to 22.00 'o clock, 4 times a week. He is at a students association every sunday from 16 to 19 and on monday evenings for the 'association dinner'. So this makes a quite a schedual for him. So, even though we live at only 15 minutes distance of eachother, I was fine with seeing him only twice a week in the evenings/nights.

At the end of march he said that he was going to be very busy until the 14th of april (even more busy) with his studies because there was a big exam coming up for him and he had a lot of work to catch up. I thought: well that sucks, but we will see how it goes. I thought; we live at a 15 minutes distance of each other, so there there is no way he cannot make some hours free for me in a week, right?
I felt like lately he wasn't taking that much initiative in setting up dates, even though he sent me some casual messages on whatsapp everyday ('hey, how are you doing...? How was your day?', etc). I was mostly the one to ask: 'hey, when will we be seeing each other again?' I asked him, at the beginning of march, if he felt like I was contacting him too much and that maybe he didn't need to see me that often. I asked this on facebook. He then said: "Are you crazy, I like seeing you. And if you wouldn't have taken the initiative those days, I would have done it myself and asked you a few minutes later".

Alright, so we saw each other for the last time in the evening of March the 31st. Our dates are almost always at someones house, and this time it was my place. So he came to me after his association diner. It was nice. He couldn't sleep over, because he had to be at university the next day at 9 o clock in the morning.
Anyway, after that day we texted back and forth a bit on whatsapp daily (he regularly took the initiative in texting). He didn't take the initiative to make a next appointment though, so on sunday, nearly a week after we had last seen each other, I asked him: "When will be seeing each other again?' He then said: "Tuesday evening!" So I said: alright, fine, we'll see each other then When it was tuesday (april 8th) in the evening he asked: 'will you please visit me this time? Next time I will visit you.' I agreed with this and was happy. A few minutes later he said: "wait, why don't you come to [name of the reastaurant he works], so we can have a drink? This way you won't have to walk home all the way from my place after midnight" (I couldn't sleep with him because he had to get up the next morning at 8 o clock). I told him that I would much rather come to his place, and have those two little hours to ourselves. Really to ourselves. Not at some busy crowded bar. He thought this was strange, since at the very beginning I said to him that I hoped that he wasn't just using me for sex (like many tinderguys do) and that he really liked me for who I was. So his reasoning was that he would invite me to a café instead of to his place, so that we could 'talk casually' and so that I could see it wasn't just about sex for him. But for me, like I said, this felt a bit too casual, un-intimate, because we hadn't seen each other for over a week.

Anyway, right after I said no and explained why, he said: "Well, good that you are not doing anything against your will. Maybe thursday after work, if I sufficiently progess my study preparations for monday and if you want to". I said: "I will have to see. I will probably be in in my hometown for the some time, because I have no obligatory classes until the 24th of april. I hope we will see each other though one time, because I would like to talk to you". He said: "of course we will see each other again". When it was thursday, he didn't contact me until 22:30 asking how my day was. He didn't ask me if I could make it and if we were still going to see each other. Just nothing. I thought this was strange. It did annoy me somewhat, but then again I didn't know what was going on on his mind.
Three days went by with very sporadic and superficial whatsapp contact. I respected this, because I know he needed the time to study for his exam. Sunday he asked me when I was going to be in the city again. I then said: wednesday morning, the 16th of april because I have some obligatory supervisory meetings for a few hours. He told me he had time to have a coffee that morning, but yeah I didn't so nothing could be done then. He didn't take any initiative in planning another date. He just left it there. Last monday, the 14th of april he had his exam. Later that day I texted him asking how his exam went. I then asked him what his plans were for this evening and he said that he was going to have his association diner. He didn't propose to go do something afterwards, while he had the time. His exams were finished.

Tuesday evening I sent him a text, asking why he doesn't take as much initiative anymore, and saying that, even though he was busy, it frustrated me that we hadn't seen each other anymore for over two weeks. That this sometimes makes me wonder wether he likes me enough or not. And that, if he found this relationship unfullfiling or tiring, or not compatible with his busy lifestyle, if he could please say so. So that we could do our own thing instead of investing in something that doesn't work. It all turned out very emotional for the both of us.
He said that he was taking as much initiative as possible, and that he felt like he couldn't ask me to come to another city just to see him. He says he likes me and finds me very attractive, but that he can't do better than this. He says he doesn't feel free enough to ask me to just have a drink with him and stuff, and that he sees things as destined (or not). He then explained that it hurt his self esteem when I said that I would rather not meet him at his restaurant after work. And then when he asked if we could maybe have a drink on thursday and I said 'I will have to see, I will probably be in my hometown the coming period', he felt even more rejected and insecure. From that moment on, he didn't have the guts anymore to contact me. He said: 'I tried to make a plan twice, and I failed twice'.
I told him that I was at least happy that he told me why he behaved a certain way, but that I didn't understand why he didn't take the initiative after the 31st of march. This bothered me because I thought that basically it would have all silently bled to death if I didn't ask 'when will be seeing eachother again?'. To my question he answered: "I don't know. Like I said before you are the first person about whom I have so many doubts". Since I thought this was crucial when he said this, I asked him what he meant with that. Then he stopped responding. I called him, because I was worried, but he didn't answer the phone. When I asked him the next morning why he all of a sudden did not answer anymore, he said: "Sorry xD I was really tired and fell asleep with the phone in my hand". He made no attempt to answer the questions that I asked him the previous day. Basically he just didn't say anything at all day. Then the next evening I asked him: "I can see you are online on whatsapp continually, but you are not saying anything to me. What is going on?" He then said: "Well you made me very insecure. It's up to me now, but took the first step and made two attempts. I guess I can't do anything right".

He explained that he felt very attacked, after which I asked him what he wished that would happen now, and what he expected of me. I also told him that in order to solve all this, it is neccesary to talk about this in real life, not via whatsapp. That I am willing to talk to him about this, face to face (I proposed this earlier), but that I am not recieving a lot of response. Then he said that he was in another city with a friend (a well, I guess he does have time to see people...) and repeated what he said earlier: he tried twice, he failed, this made him very insecure. This happened as well in his last relationship and he doesn't want this ever again. He said it made him have deja vu.
I didn't know what to do with this so I asked him how he wants this to continue, and again, what he wants and expects from me. He said that he didn't know, and that his was up to him now. This made me so very tired, because I wanted clarity. I didn't want to be emotionally involved with someone and 'wait' for someone for undestined time. I mean, he might come round in a few days and contact me again... but he could also just let it blead to death silently.
So I told him that I am trying to find a way to make open communication possible for us so that we can understand each other and solve this problem, because we had a nice time together... and it would be a waste to give it up just because of this miscommunication. That I wanted to talk to him about it in, either through phone or in real life, and that I was trying to create room for recovery. And then he stopped responding to me all of a sudden. I think he went to sleep again, or whatever.

This afternoon at 15 o clock he sent me a whatsapp message: "Do you have time on thursday? Either before my work or after my work".

I don't really know what to do with this, because it's friday, his exams are over, he went out with a friend yesterday, went to see his uncle a couple times, and still he does not feel the need to see me and resolve this until thursday. When we see each other on thursday, it will be 3,5 week since we haven't seen each other. I almost feel offended and the fact that he is able to 'postphone' this so easily to almost a week away, just boggles my mind. I don't know what to do now, what to answer him.
It's been keeping me busy.

My english isn't that great so it's hard for me to talk about these things and explain it all properly. I just had to get it out there, because this whole situation made me feel terrible. If you don't feel the need to respond, don't. It's ok. I just had to say all this.

First of all, your English is just fine. I wouldn't have even thought it wasn't your primary language.

Now to boyfriend stuff. Many people with aspergers have endured taunting, bullying, and extreme criticism as they grew up (hopefully not so much once past the teens), and may try to protect themselves through a series of rational processess that, unbeknownst to them, don't always coincide with reality, especially when it comes to trying to understand NT's. So we can have unrealistic expectations and extremely fragile egos.

It sounds like your behavior appears unpredictable to him, and when you don't respond as he thinks you should, instead of considering asking what you are really thinking, he assumes he understands (although he may not be right but this is not his fault, it's called mind blindness), and this can lead him to a misunderstanding of your reactions and behavior. This misperception can be further skewed by his past encounters and bad experiences with people.

He also may be extremely intimidated by your pressing urges to sleep with him, and he might be stalling for any number of reasons; he might be a virgin, he doesn't want you to see his messy place, he's a germaphobe, could be anything in any combination.

He may also have an ironclad routine, as many of us are prone to have when it comes to private time or incorporating new people into our lives. Change is hard, even when it is something we may really want. He may also not understand that you are unaware of his needs, another symptom of mind blindness.

I have no doubt this guy is crazy about you; he's probably both thrilled and terrified to be moving in this direction with you. If you really want to give this a go I would suggest, since he mentioned aspergers already, that you assure him that you have no problem with it, you think he's a great guy, and you really want to make this work because you really like him. Perhaps he could recommend a book, talk to you about it, or watch a movie about it together. Praise him often, even if the flowers are the wrong color, so to speak, assure him you are flexible and on his schedule, move towards intimacy at a measurable pace (have you even held hands yet? Do stuff in stages), and if he appears to shut down or start dodging, be assuring of your continued desire for him no matter what stage you are both at. Don't forgot those other people he has time for are already a semi-comfortable part of his life. Don't misconstrue anxiety and evasive behavior as lack of interest.

Be patient, understanding, and loving. Once he's comfortable with you in his world, then maybe you can start leading him into yours. If that's too much work, and you decide an aspie relationship isn't for you, it's better to back out now before he gets too attached to you. Good luck!

First of all, your English is just fine. I wouldn't have even thought it wasn't your primary language.

Now to boyfriend stuff. Many people with aspergers have endured taunting, bullying, and extreme criticism as they grew up (hopefully not so much once past the teens), and may try to protect themselves through a series of rational processess that, unbeknownst to them, don't always coincide with reality, especially when it comes to trying to understand NT's. So we can have unrealistic expectations and extremely fragile egos.

It sounds like your behavior appears unpredictable to him, and when you don't respond as he thinks you should, instead of considering asking what you are really thinking, he assumes he understands (although he may not be right but this is not his fault, it's called mind blindness), and this can lead him to a misunderstanding of your reactions and behavior. This misperception can be further skewed by his past encounters and bad experiences with people.

He also may be extremely intimidated by your pressing urges to sleep with him, and he might be stalling for any number of reasons; he might be a virgin, he doesn't want you to see his messy place, he's a germaphobe, could be anything in any combination.

He may also have an ironclad routine, as many of us are prone to have when it comes to private time or incorporating new people into our lives. Change is hard, even when it is something we may really want. He may also not understand that you are unaware of his needs, another symptom of mind blindness.

I have no doubt this guy is crazy about you; he's probably both thrilled and terrified to be moving in this direction with you. If you really want to give this a go I would suggest, since he mentioned aspergers already, that you assure him that you have no problem with it, you think he's a great guy, and you really want to make this work because you really like him. Perhaps he could recommend a book, talk to you about it, or watch a movie about it together. Praise him often, even if the flowers are the wrong color, so to speak, assure him you are flexible and on his schedule, move towards intimacy at a measurable pace (have you even held hands yet? Do stuff in stages), and if he appears to shut down or start dodging, be assuring of your continued desire for him no matter what stage you are both at. Don't forgot those other people he has time for are already a semi-comfortable part of his life. Don't misconstrue anxiety and evasive behavior as lack of interest.

Be patient, understanding, and loving. Once he's comfortable with you in his world, then maybe you can start leading him into yours. If that's too much work, and you decide an aspie relationship isn't for you, it's better to back out now before he gets too attached to you. Good luck!

I'd also like to add that whether you are pursuing an NT or AS relationship, you'd do better to slow down. Sex doesn't make a relationship, it bakes it. Ever take a pottery class? You can mold that clay into so many things, but once it's been through the kiln, it is what it is and can do little else then break.

If you find yourself running through a string of bad relationships, perhaps you should reconsider what you are really after, and decide if your process could use another look. Otherwise you might suddenly wake up at fifty a bitter, discontent woman that no decent man in his right mind would even think about pursuing a relationship with. Best of luck!

Hi, thank you so much that you took the time to respond to me. And what a lengthy post. I really appreciate it and it is useful to me.

As if right now I've come to the conclusion that we are not compatible with each other and that I don't want to continue this relationship with him. The fact that we haven't seen each other for nearly three weeks, and he doesn't mind to stretch this nearly another week, almost makes me feel frustrated and showes me that he is either too busy, doesn't understand the urgence, or that he doesn't care. I find it hars to be with someone like this.

As for the sex: he is not a virgin anymore. He told me he lost his virginity at age 18 and that he slept with about 15 girls since. That's quite a bit I think, especially since I've only had 2.

We didn't have sex until 1,5 month into it. It was on the 11the date or something. I think that is very 'decent' and not extremely early at all. First kiss on the 6th date. He even complimented me on that I would wait so long.
We talked about very serious and personal things, got to know eachother on a deeper level, before sleeping together. "Pressing urges to sleep with him" are totally not applicable to me and our scenario. I don't really understand how you got that out of my post.

I feel so horrible for you. I think he sounds awesome. And "tear your hair out" frustrating.I think you sound awesome. and "tear your hair out" frustrated.

I will share my opinion, but first I need to preface what I say with an admission about one of my biggest flaws. I have a tendency toward 'Pollyannaish," "Happily ever after," thinking. I have advised women to give relationships a little more time quite a few times, and been so wrong. So, keeping that in mind....

The guy, like the previous poster said, is obviously head over heels for you. You have only known him a short while. During that time he has been studying for finals. He told you he did not have a lot of time. It appears that he, like many Autistics, has executive function issues that he can only handle by scheduling his time and schedule anally. {can you handle that?]

Now, finals are over, and he really needs to figure out this relationship thing [ not because he doesn't adore you, he does] He might need a little time to think about what he has to offer in a relationship, whatever. He might want to wait because he is a person who does not want to tell you what he is capable of offering, when it is actually less [or more] That suggests responsibility on his part. I would wait.

And,if you two do talk and decide to work on a relationship, you need to remind him that you are not psychic, and neither are you [ even if you are in fact psychic and extraordinarily talented, you are not psychic in reading his relationship needs. Really. And neither is he.]

If he has fear of relationships ,I'd give it a little bit of time, but not too much. You are a woman wanting a good relationship,not his therapist. Anyway, that's my opinion. I am often wrong though.

Thanks for your tips.

I talked this though with my mom and she also said that, while she gets the both of us, next time I try to build a relationship with a boy, it should understand that this is just the 'getting to know each other' phase. Next time I will try to be more understanding, but I find it really hard to not see someone I like for three entire weeks, especially in the begining phase. It makes me wonder if someone really likes me.

Sorry if I mistook your frequent sexual references as insinuating you were a bit forward. I can talk about mind blindness all day long, but in the end I'm just as blind as the next aspie that has it. No offense intended.

Thanks for sharing

Yep, it's really over I think. He didn't whatsapp me anymore at all even though he has been online a lot. He could be nervously awaiting my respons, but I doubt it. I think he already decided that he does not really like me that much (sorry guys, i don't buy it, his exams are over but he leaves me waiting for almost another week until thursday too see him and talk this through). I've given up on him. If he adored me he would not let me go so easily I think.

Sorry people but what the f**k is this s**t? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME OUT?

I just don't understand any of this.

I decided to give the whole thing another swirl by asking him on facebook (after not having contacted him for 5 days) how his past days were. He said he was still very busy, really tired. When I asked him how his evenings were the past days he said he mainly spent time with his parents, trying to help save their marriage. He said he hopes the arguing will stop soon.
I then asked him: "is this also the reason that you were always so busy in the evenings?" He said: "Yes, after and before work. And second eastern day". Then he asked how I spent the last days (He said: "what about you?"), and he asked how my study went.
I answered and then said: "Do you remember that you asked me wether I could see you today before or after work ?" He answered: "Yes I remember " Nothing else.
Since he didn't really say anything else I asked if he still felt the need to see me or that he would rather focus on his own things. He then said: "I would still like to see you, but I mean if you don't want to see me...".
Then I said: "I actually really like to see you. Did I give you the impression that I don't like to see you? Or that I could be bothered less? If that's the case then that was definitely not my intention". Okay, so I then saw that he read the message... (00:15 am) but he didn't respond. I thought: no way, did he fall asleep again!? So after 15 minutes I sent him another message: "I'm free tomorrow evening, friday evening, and even in the weekends. We can even meet at your restaurant of that's easier for you. So if you had doubts about me still wanting to see you, here's the invitation". Again, he read the message (00:45) but he didn't respond (yet).

What do you guys think of this? Should I assume he just fell asleep again? Does he really want to see me or is he just being polite? Is he playing games with me?

I just don't know what to do? Should I love him alone? Should I keep sending messages even though he does not respond? WHAT DO I DO?

omg

IDK but I hate when people read messages and don't reply.

I hate it too. What sense does this make?

Cafeaulait, I'm so sorry this is going this way. But here is what's happening, it seems to me:

He is running away and the only reason he responds to you at all is that he's afraid not to. This is a man who's been lying to you for the last year because he's incapable of facing the music, and now that the door of opportunity has opened a crack he's running, running, running. He does not want to be with you. He does not want to talk to you unless he's feeling momentarily down, and knows you'll be a reliable source of comfort. Which he can use and then run away from again. You can rest assured that much, if not all, of what he's telling you on the phone now is lies.

"I'm tired" is manspeak for "I don't want to talk to you but don't want you to yell at me, either, so I won't say 'I don't want to talk to you'." The stuff about helping his parents save his marriage is baloney. This is a fellow who can't manage his own relationships, he's not in there playing family therapist.

"..but I mean if you don't want to see me" is yet another of this guy's attempts to put blame on you. It sounds like he's been doing this throughout the relationship because you don't seem to react to it at all, and he's already tried to blame you for why you can't come with him (out of shape, no goals, blahdeblahdeblah). No: he doesn't want to see you. He just doesn't have the courage to say so and doesn't want to deal with the fallout from saying it.

He's done. He's also not very nice, from the info you're giving here. I know it's hard to let go, but what you're trying to hang onto isn't good.

Ice cream this week is a much better idea.

Tarantella, you are so right. I guess I should not be taking his aspergers as an excuse. This is ridiculous. I just sent him a whatsapp message that I was now truly done. He probably won't respond to it anyway, but if he does, he can suck his own balls because I am not responding anymore.

I told him on whatsapp yesterday:
"I don't think you want to see me at all anymore, because you won't respond to any message I send. So I guess it's clear to me. Too bad you don't have to courage to be honest with me"
Then he said, an hour later:
"I'm back. I'm almost done working. You didn't guess right, but I didn't count on you anymore because you kept quiet for 5 days until wednesday, so then I adjusted myself to the idea. And then you sent me a message, and we started talking again. I really liked that change, but it's hard for me to (all of a sudden) adapt...

I then said:
"Alright, okay. It's possible that flexibility isn't your strongest point. Everyone has their thing. It's just that, because of this, I doubt that we have anything to offer to each other. Maybe you are better of with someone that doesn't place that much value on communication, and someone that is very willing to wait"
He then said: "Strange, I actually enjoyed you very much".

So I asked him: "Alright, if you do enjoy being with me: When are we seeing each other again? "
He said: "Is it strange that I am kind of afraid of that in the light of what has been written above?"

I don't know what to think of this. He is sending such mixed signals!! !