How Do You Meet A Girl?
20 Aug 2014, 5:05 pm
I feel that it's very tough for guys to meet girls.
Ex: You can't when you're walking down the streetm becuase they are going somewhere, and you'll probably never see them again. You can't pull over and meet them, becuase they would get freaked out by this.
The only place I can think of, if you're not in school anymore, is a bar, but I don't drink. I would prefer someone who is not into the bar scene, doesn't drink often.
You can't meet someone at a store, becuse you'll probably never see them again, unless they work there, and you're need some valid reasons to keep going back.
Like I remember, seeing a girl at the post office, so I would order some stuff, and it'll get sent to the post office. I was racking my brain on what so say, other than Hi, trying to get it to go somewhere, but I never did.
I feel it's much harder with me, becuase I have very bad luck with girls. They look at me finny (also with other people too, it justs happens most with girls, I find). It's like they can sense I'm different. I see them all the time on the street, and they give me a look, which is not a good look, sort of like the look a girl would give you if you're annoying here, or did something she didn't like. I never do anything, but look at them, just like everyone else so I come to the conclusion, that they are stuck up, and don't like me, becuase I am not skinny and good looking like they are. It really anooys me, and hurts, really bad. When I get it a lot, it just feels like everyone is like that, and I don't put any focus on it. It's so easy for me to believe the negative, and think that al girls are like that.
It's extremely rare that a girl doesnt do that, or that she miles at me.
Last week, I did see someone who was nice, she smiled, and I asked her about findng a place, I had to goto, I had to deliver a package for work. She was very nice, ad friendly. I sensed that she was genuine, and friendly, beautiful, which is rare, where I'm from. I also seen her when I went back the same day, and she asked me if I found the place. I got a good feeling. I didn't feel awkward at all.
I posted a Kijiji ad in the missed connections, which is what other people have done, and so far, nothing yet. I've done that before, but just got reply from bullies with rude responses.
Where I'm from, most people (especially people in their teens/20's) are down/depressed, rude, very judgemental etc. It's so much, that I am shocked when I see one who is nice. I find thatpeople around the age or 30 or higher, are more nice, but I still run into a few adults who look at me weird, some even starred at me and creeped me out. I thapped twice this month. Some guy in his 40's/50's at Canadian Tire, and a older couple at a bookstore, where I went to deliver a box, just starred at me, as if they exected me to do or say something.They were customers. It really makes me uncomfortable. I work in Halifax, and I gotta see this a lot, if it weren't for that, my job would be a lot better. It's the only thing I dread about my job. My coworkers (right word?) are nice, and so is my boss. I don't have any trouble with them.
I appologize for this being long.
20 Aug 2014, 7:57 pm
Ex: You can't when you're walking down the streetm becuase they are going somewhere, and you'll probably never see them again. You can't pull over and meet them, becuase they would get freaked out by this.
The only place I can think of, if you're not in school anymore, is a bar, but I don't drink. I would prefer someone who is not into the bar scene, doesn't drink often.
You can't meet someone at a store, becuse you'll probably never see them again, unless they work there, and you're need some valid reasons to keep going back.
Like I remember, seeing a girl at the post office, so I would order some stuff, and it'll get sent to the post office. I was racking my brain on what so say, other than Hi, trying to get it to go somewhere, but I never did.
I feel it's much harder with me, becuase I have very bad luck with girls. They look at me finny (also with other people too, it justs happens most with girls, I find). It's like they can sense I'm different. I see them all the time on the street, and they give me a look, which is not a good look, sort of like the look a girl would give you if you're annoying here, or did something she didn't like. I never do anything, but look at them, just like everyone else so I come to the conclusion, that they are stuck up, and don't like me, becuase I am not skinny and good looking like they are. It really anooys me, and hurts, really bad. When I get it a lot, it just feels like everyone is like that, and I don't put any focus on it. It's so easy for me to believe the negative, and think that al girls are like that.
It's extremely rare that a girl doesnt do that, or that she miles at me.
Last week, I did see someone who was nice, she smiled, and I asked her about findng a place, I had to goto, I had to deliver a package for work. She was very nice, ad friendly. I sensed that she was genuine, and friendly, beautiful, which is rare, where I'm from. I also seen her when I went back the same day, and she asked me if I found the place. I got a good feeling. I didn't feel awkward at all.
I posted a Kijiji ad in the missed connections, which is what other people have done, and so far, nothing yet. I've done that before, but just got reply from bullies with rude responses.
Where I'm from, most people (especially people in their teens/20's) are down/depressed, rude, very judgemental etc. It's so much, that I am shocked when I see one who is nice. I find thatpeople around the age or 30 or higher, are more nice, but I still run into a few adults who look at me weird, some even starred at me and creeped me out. I thapped twice this month. Some guy in his 40's/50's at Canadian Tire, and a older couple at a bookstore, where I went to deliver a box, just starred at me, as if they exected me to do or say something.They were customers. It really makes me uncomfortable. I work in Halifax, and I gotta see this a lot, if it weren't for that, my job would be a lot better. It's the only thing I dread about my job. My coworkers (right word?) are nice, and so is my boss. I don't have any trouble with them.
I appologize for this being long.
Dude, right now you're completely and unmitigatedly biased in favor of failure.
The clue is that everything here is negative, judgmental, and can't-do
You've focused on generalities and ignored all possibility of any exceptions.
Apparently you do not realize that, like many things, romance and marriage are the exception to the normal social interaction.
Otherwise everyone would be dating eight thousand people at the same time rather than just one. (extra points for me if you focus on having not said marriage and ignore the point)
This attitude will make you look like a complete a*ss, if the tiniest bit of this shows, women are going to run away from you screaming.
You got to stop the defeatist attitude and adopt the highly illogical and often disproven attitude of optimism.
It IS the only way.
_________________
(14.01.b) cogito ergo sum confusus
20 Aug 2014, 8:02 pm
If you ask most guys where/how they met their wives or girlfriends, they'll usually say at work, school, through friends or family. In other words, in a situation where they already have at least one thing or person in common. Talking to girls at bars or bookstores might get you phone numbers, but statistically speaking it's not your best bet. You have to be where the people are, even if they're NOT single girls, cause people who aren't single girls might know some.
_________________
Everything would be better if you were in charge.
20 Aug 2014, 10:15 pm
My problem, is that I see so many that judge, and so rare, that people my age, don't judge me. It feels like everyone is, even though it's not true. When negative outweighs the positive, I tend to look at it, depending on what it is, like if it's something I really want, I guess.
It also bothers me how people in my area can be so judgmental, on such little information. I will focus on the girl I saw last week. She is around my age. It's a positive, and it shall lead to other things, baby steps. It is what helps me. 
I'm doing something about it. I'm exercising, doing chin-ups, treadmill, getting ready for the Zombie Trail Run. When I get fit, I feel better, feeling better increases your self-esteem, and being positive draws positivity to you. That's how I see it. It's a start. I walked 10+ KM on the treadmill, and a half hour ago, I got finished walking 5.30 KM without a break. I am proud of myself, because that was one of my goals. It took me 63+ minutes. Tomorrow, I will do it again, except I will where shoes, because my feet are really sore. I don't recommend treadmill with bare feet.
I will put more running in, so I will eventually run 5K, without getting tired. I just started exercising, last month. I am confident, that I will go to the Zombie Trail Run, and do well. Everyday, I will use the treadmill, and go at least 5K, a day.
21 Aug 2014, 2:52 am
In bed! 
_________________
Your Aspie score is 193 of 200
Your neurotypical score is 40 of 200
You are very likely an aspie
No matter where I go I will always be a Gaijin even at home. Like Anime? https://kissanime.to/AnimeList
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
21 Aug 2014, 10:45 am
For long term relationships, meeting random girls is most certainly not statistically your best bet. Just my opinion here? I think your best bet will be in your circle of closest friends, people you've known the longest.
The problem isn't really how to meet datable girls?it's how to expand that circle. Men/women DO meet in bars and other public places. I'd suggest collecting names and personal info on as many currently-available women as possible and just work up to a "hanging out" status. "Dating" is so 20th century. The more time you spend building friendships on a long-term basis, the easier it's going to be to ask someone out on a "date-date." The more women you CAN ask out, the easier it's going to be to get to know more people on a deeper-than-surface level. Why? You already know each other so well that going out isn't going to be all that big a deal. Also, you're already going to know who all the crazies, freaks, and weirdos are and who you should avoid. The person you'll want to commit to will be the one you happen to spend the most time with and reciprocates with mutual attraction.
Dittos on negativity. The way to break through that and build your confidence is to just simply get to know a larger number of women. A "date" (for you) might not be anything more than a bunch of people obsessed over the same anime series getting together to talk about favorite characters and plot devices (or whatever). You might only see this person in the greater context of a dozen or so people hanging out, but so what? At the earliest friendship stages, you don't really get (nor do you deserve) the luxury of being picky. I ended up dating "out of my league." And by that, I mean WAAAAY out of my league. I didn't set out to marry a smart, attractive woman. We ended up thrown together through bizarre circumstances, broke up a couple of times, and then just couldn't seem to get away from each other. You'll never know if you don't test the waters a little and make a few tiny waves. If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't take rejection so hard. Frequent rejection is a good sign because it shows you're making effort. Embrace rejection, because that just brings you one person closer to getting a date.
23 Aug 2014, 1:03 am
I understand how you feel. After school was over for me, I didn't have that environment where I was surrounded by people all the time. I find that it is a lot harder to meet someone. I only have a few friends my age and they are not like me at all. I hear of everyone meeting at their work, we'll I was a mechanic for years and a landscaper now. That equals no women. The ones I meet are married or only consider me the "help"
I have always noticed people stare at me and I don't know why. I have gotten so used to being alone and unnoticed, that if someone is just staring me down and making me uncomfortable, I do it right back until they are uncomfortable and look away. Rarely women smile at me or acknowledge my existence. They either look through or past me, or seem to walk away. And people I work with notice this trend to, so we laugh about it and I point out to them "see, doesn't matter how old they are, they all make a point to avoid me"
Outside I laugh, inside it really hurts but I try to cover it up by keeping busy. Bars are out because it is weird going alone and my party days are over anymore. It sucks but I am definitely not an optimist. And I notice that it runs in my family. I am third generation mr. Negitivity. I am basically 30 now and see the years flying by at a crazy speed and feel its too late. My mind thinks so differently, more feelings and sights. Hard to explain, I am just not like anyone. More like a dream in a movie. (Someday I want to make a post on this)
I feel I missed the boat and my day to day routine doesn't allow me to meet people, even though I meet peopl all the time. If I could, I would redo life over again
23 Aug 2014, 5:40 am
The problem isn't really how to meet datable girls?it's how to expand that circle. Men/women DO meet in bars and other public places. I'd suggest collecting names and personal info on as many currently-available women as possible and just work up to a "hanging out" status. "Dating" is so 20th century. The more time you spend building friendships on a long-term basis, the easier it's going to be to ask someone out on a "date-date." The more women you CAN ask out, the easier it's going to be to get to know more people on a deeper-than-surface level. Why? You already know each other so well that going out isn't going to be all that big a deal. Also, you're already going to know who all the crazies, freaks, and weirdos are and who you should avoid. The person you'll want to commit to will be the one you happen to spend the most time with and reciprocates with mutual attraction.
Dittos on negativity. The way to break through that and build your confidence is to just simply get to know a larger number of women. A "date" (for you) might not be anything more than a bunch of people obsessed over the same anime series getting together to talk about favorite characters and plot devices (or whatever). You might only see this person in the greater context of a dozen or so people hanging out, but so what? At the earliest friendship stages, you don't really get (nor do you deserve) the luxury of being picky. I ended up dating "out of my league." And by that, I mean WAAAAY out of my league. I didn't set out to marry a smart, attractive woman. We ended up thrown together through bizarre circumstances, broke up a couple of times, and then just couldn't seem to get away from each other. You'll never know if you don't test the waters a little and make a few tiny waves. If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't take rejection so hard. Frequent rejection is a good sign because it shows you're making effort. Embrace rejection, because that just brings you one person closer to getting a date.
Isn't this very NT-centric advice? How many people with autism really have a "circle of best friends" (which presumes you have a lot more friends that aren't best friends)? If having a large social circle with a lot of potentially eligible women in it is the way to find a long term relationship, then this basically means that a large percentage of people with autism are very unlikely to find one since difficulty with socializing is one of the key issues of the diagnosis.
Many (maybe most) are simply not capable of becoming that person that goes socializing every day of the week, not considering the question of whether they'd want to. I also think it's very hard to build a large social circle if you don't enjoy socializing, so personally I find this kind of advice to be depressing because it indicates that there is something fundamentally wrong with you if you don't enjoy socializing and that you either have to change that part of your personality or you have to suffer the consequences.
_________________
What goes on inside is just too fast and huge and all interconnected for words to do more than barely sketch the outlines of at most one tiny little part of it at any given instant. - D.F.W.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
23 Aug 2014, 10:35 am
The problem isn't really how to meet datable girls?it's how to expand that circle. Men/women DO meet in bars and other public places. I'd suggest collecting names and personal info on as many currently-available women as possible and just work up to a "hanging out" status. "Dating" is so 20th century. The more time you spend building friendships on a long-term basis, the easier it's going to be to ask someone out on a "date-date." The more women you CAN ask out, the easier it's going to be to get to know more people on a deeper-than-surface level. Why? You already know each other so well that going out isn't going to be all that big a deal. Also, you're already going to know who all the crazies, freaks, and weirdos are and who you should avoid. The person you'll want to commit to will be the one you happen to spend the most time with and reciprocates with mutual attraction.
Dittos on negativity. The way to break through that and build your confidence is to just simply get to know a larger number of women. A "date" (for you) might not be anything more than a bunch of people obsessed over the same anime series getting together to talk about favorite characters and plot devices (or whatever). You might only see this person in the greater context of a dozen or so people hanging out, but so what? At the earliest friendship stages, you don't really get (nor do you deserve) the luxury of being picky. I ended up dating "out of my league." And by that, I mean WAAAAY out of my league. I didn't set out to marry a smart, attractive woman. We ended up thrown together through bizarre circumstances, broke up a couple of times, and then just couldn't seem to get away from each other. You'll never know if you don't test the waters a little and make a few tiny waves. If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't take rejection so hard. Frequent rejection is a good sign because it shows you're making effort. Embrace rejection, because that just brings you one person closer to getting a date.
Isn't this very NT-centric advice? How many people with autism really have a "circle of best friends" (which presumes you have a lot more friends that aren't best friends)? If having a large social circle with a lot of potentially eligible women in it is the way to find a long term relationship, then this basically means that a large percentage of people with autism are very unlikely to find one since difficulty with socializing is one of the key issues of the diagnosis.
Many (maybe most) are simply not capable of becoming that person that goes socializing every day of the week, not considering the question of whether they'd want to. I also think it's very hard to build a large social circle if you don't enjoy socializing, so personally I find this kind of advice to be depressing because it indicates that there is something fundamentally wrong with you if you don't enjoy socializing and that you either have to change that part of your personality or you have to suffer the consequences.
Whether something is fundamentally wrong here or not isn't the point, though. For me, it's about priorities. How bad do I REALLY want to meet a girl or form a LTR? If it really matters to me, I'm going to do whatever it takes.
What's depressing is the illusion that this is actually easy for most people. It's not that easy for anyone, but it appears that way because some have a better mindset for it than others, not to mention some personality types/degrees of social impairment will find it more/less difficult than some. I can personally sympathize with that.
Any advice I have isn't going to work for anyone who doesn't really care that much about dating and relationships. If you WANT to meet girls, go meet girls. If you DON'T, then don't. You aren't going to "suffer any consequences" either way. But you don't have to enjoy socializing or change your personality. If your personality reflects who you really are, then you're just laying all your cards on the table with other people?which is fine and keeps you from wasting other peoples' time.
And it's not about socializing, exactly? If you meet two new available women a week that you could stay in contact with, within three months you could potentially have enough contacts to see a different woman every weekend for almost a full year. The lady you see every week at the gas station, at the grocery store, 3 or 4 at church, 4 at the coffee shop, the wannabe actress at the community theater where you volunteer pulling curtains, the bookworm you always run into at the library, the nurse who always says hello to you on the walking track at the local city park, the Teach For America kids who always meet for margaritas at the Mexican place every Thursday night, that single lady on the local symphony board you helped serving wine with at the last 5 concerts, the flute player in the community band, 4 altos you met in community choir, 10 or 11 somewhere between your job and related businesses you regularly interact with along with any number of volunteer civic organizations in town. Seriously, you write down the names of every woman you interact with on a weekly basis you could easily have a list of, say, 30-36 names within a month's time. Find every credible excuse to hang out with all of those and you'll find ONE person to go out with at least one weekend. And you aren't "socializing" in the larger sense.
If you don't WANT to do that, you're not a bad person or anything. It just means you aren't going to go out with anyone.
23 Aug 2014, 11:40 am
What I mean is that you can want a gf but not want to completely bend over backwards to get one.
If I have to design my life in a way that doesn't conform to what I want out of life, just to get a gf, then I'm questioning whether that will be a successful LTR even if I manage to convince someone that I'm Mr Right.
So if I meet girls in very social settings, doing things that I actually don't like doing, what are my chances of meeting someone that is really compatible with me?
You're talking about commitment, and it's not that what I'm questioning, it's just that this approach you're talking about sounds more compatible with an extroverted NT than with a possibly introverted person on the autism spectrum.
_________________
What goes on inside is just too fast and huge and all interconnected for words to do more than barely sketch the outlines of at most one tiny little part of it at any given instant. - D.F.W.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
23 Aug 2014, 1:03 pm
Depends on your motives for wanting a gf, mostly. Anybody can meet girls or hang out with girls. That's the easy part, no bending over backwards required. I don't see why anybody WOULD bend over backwards to get a girl. Cultivate lasting friendships with a lot of girls and you're all set.
Well, if you have to convince someone you're Mr. Right, that's not someone you'll be compatible with, anyway. You'd want someone who sees you that way without having to be "convinced." The more time you spend getting to know someone, the greater the opportunity for someone to conclude that on her own.
If what you want in life IS a gf, then you aren't designing your life in a way that doesn't conform to what you want. We all have to answer the question of what matters the most to us and act on it. If having a gf matters the most, act on that. If something else is more important, act on that instead. We often fail to be honest about what's really important to us?we're jealous of other people with a gf, but we fail to act to cultivate relationships leading to getting a gf. If we continually refuse to act in such a way to get a gf, is it because we don't really want to act or is it something else? If something else, we can act to change that if we want to. If we don't want to, there's no point complaining about it.
Pretty good, actually, that eventually you'll meet SOMEONE who is compatible. Is that your best bet necessarily? No. Your best bet will be in a setting more comfortable for you, but it also has to be an environment in which members of the opposite sex are present and frequent enough for you to meet a large number of them over time.
I say diversify. If it's your comfort zone that's keeping you down, gradually expand it. Though I never actively sought out girls for relationships in community theater, I did meet a lot of women there, and I was eventually there enough I got comfortable with it. I stopped hanging out there because of other pressing obligations, but it was very cool while it lasted.
Not at all. I'm suggesting a more logical, organized, systematic approach that gets more irrational emotions out of the way. Has nothing to do with being introverted/extroverted. Let's say you're active at work or other activities some combined 12 hours a day. That's 60 hours in a work week that you might potentially meet SOMEONE you know nothing about. If you spend time doing SOMETHING on the weekends, you might have another combined 10-12 hours in which you might meet someone?so, all told you have 72 hours to meet 1 person a week you don't know. Work up to 2 people a week, and that's roughly 8 women in a month. 32 women in 4 months. 96 women in a year. Are you going to say that a socially impaired introvert who MAYBE meets half that, 48 women, in a year can't find a single person to go out with at least once? Sure, it's possible. But I'd severely question the likelihood of that happening.
24 Aug 2014, 9:40 am
Lol, AngelRho is funny but completely right.
I completely agree with what AngelRho has said.
The idea is to remove all emotions attached to pursuing people and to make your options ridiculously so big you are BOUND to meet SOMEONE who is perfect for you.
I remember a quote from a book that said "You might have to get to know 100 people before you end up making one special friend".
Go figure...
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Meet Tiamat |
21 Mar 2024, 3:17 pm |
| How did you meet your partner(s)? |
18 Apr 2024, 11:20 am |
| Hey, nice to meet you all! |
02 Apr 2024, 5:33 pm |
| Why is it so hard to meet autistic folks who are gay? |
17 Apr 2024, 8:12 pm |
