WTF Should I Do? Unexpected Likeage Crisis

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aspyoz
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18 Aug 2014, 12:57 pm

Or as i call it the "great unexpected realisation that im actually comfortable around someone for the first time in 20+ years, and never as so before" topic <- That wouldnt fit

So im hoping for some advice here....

I met someone named Sylvie about 7 months ago via a friend, Karen, who i know quite well after several years and subletting a place i lived in from.

Anyhoo, i tend to only leave the house to go to work or volunteer or to fix peoples PC gear. It was being asked to go and fix Sylvies gadgets by Karen that i first met her.

Almost right away i had none of the anxiety i usually have when meeting new people (helped in part i think by the fact that i had known Karen for a number of years, and i think when a new person is linked to someone ive known for a while, its easier) and we got along very well and ive since seen her many times, not only to fix things i might add. I live in the city and she lives in the country, and im often down in the country, either volunteering or housesitting for a friend here and there who knows they can always call me to come and babysit their dog or cat, as i need my pet time, as they know im much more comfortable with animals

So the last few months i had caught up with her randomly on random trips down to the country.

I found myself thinking about her when i was home again, and something i never do is think about other people...i dont mean that to sound harsh, but its true, if you're not in my immediate vicinity, you're generally not on my radar at all, just they way my head is. but she was, throughout the day, last thing at night i found myself thinking of her.

I realised i might be having feelings for her, and not having had a great experience on the very few (3) occasions i had liked people before, i started to set myself to avoid mode which is my default in such situations.

Recently i spent 5 weeks in the country pet minding, and caught up with Sylvie several times and with her friends as well, as much as i had planned to try distance, it wasnt working out well, especially as when asked for help i can never say no.

It became clearer that i might have feelings for her, even more so when i learned she was going away for 4 weeks overseas...where she currently is now.

Before leaving she planned to and invited me to a going away dinner. Being not great at social things and her having some understanding it wasnt easy for me, she sent the invitation as similar to "I dont supposed you would come to a bon voyage party for me on xx date". I replied that i couldnt sue to my issues with more than a few people in a room, but that really wasnt what was stopping me for once, i again thought distance was a good option and thats the only reason i didnt go. I did send her a nice bottle of wine and food and wrote her a funny rhyme...always been good with words

Almost as soon as she had left i started missing her.

Last week i went to see Karen, who i used to sublet from, and during our conversation she brought up Sylvie and made me aware (not knowing in any way that i might have feelings for her, i should point out) of things about Sylvie i didnt know...she had recently settled her divorce. Karen then went on to say that she hoped that Sylvie would have a good time away and that she had told her to have fun and perhaps have a fling. I wont lie to you, upon hearing that a small part of me immediately died picturing Sylvie with someone random (damn having a very visual focused brain). I assume? that it might be normal to not be really happy to think of someone youve only come recently to realise you like off with someone random.

I came home that night more than a little depressed and have been ever since.

Kind of struggling to know what to do, part of me wants to talk to someone about it. I tried to calm myself down by typing a letter to Karen, who knows us both and confessing to liking Sylvie, but explaining that i might have to distance myself, and seeking advice, but havent sent it. Felt like it would be a bad idea and perhaps make her feel awkward being in the middle and knowing how i felt about her and our mutual friend. Ive rewritten the email about 30 times, and it has helped just putting my thoughts down, but i havent sent it for the above reasons, though im tempted every few hours as i feel it would at least get me some advice and feedback. but i overall dont want to seem selfish and put i her in an awkward place.

Im really confused, by many things

My feelings for Sylvie

My general inability to know what to do

Whether i upset/hurt Sylvie by not going to her bon voyage party

How to stop picturing her with some random person

How to go ahead from here, do i do my usual avoidance routine, do i be less of a coward and tell her how i feel (probably not while shes 10,000 kilometres away)

Talk to Karen who ive known longer than Sylvie?

Does anyone else also try and distance themselves like the minute they realise they like someone?

Bottom line is that i never expected to feel thsi comfortable around anyone in my life, i had pretty much resigned myself that it would never happen, and i would love some advice, any advice


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VegetableMan
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18 Aug 2014, 3:03 pm

I think you just have to take a chance and tell her how you feel. It's a hard thing to do when you don't know if the feelings will be reciprocated, but anything good in life is worth the risk.

The fact that you feel so comfortable around her is a very good sign that she may be right for you. I've recently had a similar experience with a woman, but it's a bit too early to know how to proceed, I think. I've definitely developed some very strong feelings for her that go beyond friendship. I'm still processing it at the moment.


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aspyoz
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18 Aug 2014, 9:29 pm

VegetableMan wrote:
I think you just have to take a chance and tell her how you feel. It's a hard thing to do when you don't know if the feelings will be reciprocated, but anything good in life is worth the risk.

The fact that you feel so comfortable around her is a very good sign that she may be right for you. I've recently had a similar experience with a woman, but it's a bit too early to know how to proceed, I think. I've definitely developed some very strong feelings for her that go beyond friendship. I'm still processing it at the moment.


Thanks for your reply.

I guess im trying to figure out how to deal with everything at the worst time, while shes away - which has brought on the sense of crisis im in, whereas maybe if i hadnt been such a coward before she went away and maybe at least let her know in some small way even that i liked being around her, and gone to her farewell dinner, i wouldnt be where i am now

But like you, i was still processing, i can very much identify with processing....most days are so full on being bombarded with everything that its not until the end of the day i start to "replay" the days events and only then process them.

Im still struggling to know if its worth, or even proper to talk to my friend who i met this lady through, as she knows both of us, and me better than most, to get her opinion or advice. Ive written a long email to her, which in of itself helped to lesson my stress a little, but havent dared hit send as im stressing that it will make things awkward with us or put her in an awkward position....

Really struggling with it all.


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VegetableMan
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19 Aug 2014, 10:00 am

It could actually be helpful to talk to your friend about it. Awhile back, a friend was telling me about being in a similar situation where she had a couple of friends who were interested in each other. In the end, she managed to successfully broker a relationship between the two. It's a complicated story why the pair was having problems connecting, and really isn't similar to yours, so I won't go into it. But what I'm saying is sometimes a caring third-party can be helpful. It all depends on the person in question, of course.


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aspyoz
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20 Aug 2014, 7:40 am

VegetableMan wrote:
It could actually be helpful to talk to your friend about it. Awhile back, a friend was telling me about being in a similar situation where she had a couple of friends who were interested in each other. In the end, she managed to successfully broker a relationship between the two. It's a complicated story why the pair was having problems connecting, and really isn't similar to yours, so I won't go into it. But what I'm saying is sometimes a caring third-party can be helpful. It all depends on the person in question, of course.


Last night i actually sent our mutual friend who i met Sylvie through an email asking what the social standards are on talking to one friend about a mutual one with a view to taking your advice and talking to her. But she didnt check her email last night.

On wednesday (here in Oz) i travel down to the country where they both live, and my real life is, to volunteer in a nursing home. Years ago when caring for my great aunt who had dementia i was surprised to find that i was good at interacting with elderly people, so ive been volunteering in several nursing homes for years now, my background is in IT, and apart from buying and setting up and maintaining common room PC's and private PC's (and now tablets) i also do things like read people their emails and dictate replies.

So anyways, with no reply from Karen at 4:30 this morning, half an hour before i was due to get up to get ready to travel down there, i made an executive decision. I needed to be functional for the 20 or so people i deal with on average during today. So i emailed Sylvie in France. I needed to resolve it to get through the day. It may not be the best thing to email someone about when theyre on holiday, but after i finished volunteering i actually caught up with Karen, and told her to ignore the last email i sent as i had resolved things, at least for noe. She knowing me knew something was up, especially as by this time i had been awake for 2 days solid. she put 2 + 2 together and i briefly let her in on what i had been struggling to cope with. as she also works with Sylvie apart from being friends, she thinks that i neednt worry about having sent her such an email while she was on holidays. In fact she said good on you to me, and told me that Sylvie smiles when she talks of me and says that i make her laugh and smile. So i left feeling better than i have for a week, and better not worrying that id really sent an email Sylvie would probably rather not deal with on her holiday.

So here for full effect is the email i sent her. I have a twisted sense of humour, which Sylvie is used to seeing in emails i send her, and i tried to keep it light hearted. I also kept my feelings about her simple, truthful and to the point. I didnt declare i loved her or anything because i dont know yet, its very early and i just know what i put in there, that im comfortable around her, which is the second time only ive felt this way, that i really like her and that i enjoy my time with her. Its exactly how i feel and i think its not going to overwhelm her....i am the only one overwhelmed!

No reply as yet, and i think the longer it is before i get one the better the answer may be? Not fidgeting in my seat at all.

Thanks to all who replied for your support and suggestions!

p.s The last time i felt any level of comfort around a female was about 20 years ago, but i still had anxieties around her. I have none around Sylvie, its really so different , it really surprises me still.

pp..s, Sylvie usually finds my emails amusing and clever and has asked me if i ever thought about writing a book, so my sense of humour said to me i should use that as well......of course i wasnt going to make it too long an email though...


My email to her is below

===============================================================


WARNING: This is NOT your average email...

In many ways its quite messed up.

But here in its rough draft format, replete with authors notes to self, is the first edition of a rather unique and some might posit twisted and possibly self indulgent tome.

Its like shall not pass this way again, and after reading it you may wish it had not passed your way at all...

Here, for your perusal and consideration is the piece tentatively titled:

My Brain, My Enemy

The prerelease is already attracting quite a buzz

"A thin plot line exposing an astonishing lack of forethought"

"The protagonist shows a complete lack of spine and is wholly unsympathetic due to his appalling lack of normal human emotions"

"The author has no sense of timing, rather, his timing is way way off"


Foreword

Hi Sylvie,

If you have access to any stimulants of any kind, i'd grab a handful/cup full, perhaps two. The only helpers I won't condone using as a crutch to get through this are those of the opiate family (once the sweet grown up candy treats of the intelligencia and casual dope fiends both, now just a very grim lifestyle choice)....otherwise dose up and strap yourself in......

You once said had I ever thought about writing a book. Well this is one just for you...well its not a book so much as more than a few rambling paragraphs dressed up with a foreword and at least (actually only) one chapter....

I imagine this is going to come as a surprise, unless my brain has been sabotaging me subconsciously (which its been known to do) and you may have picked on subtle things (a sure sign it was subconscious meddling brain...i hate that guy...normal me is about as subtle as a brick in the face) and probably the last thing you would have expected or wanted to hear while you are away on holiday on the other side of the planet, but ive tried to find someone to help me sort through it.....but when I checked my contact list there were only people I fixed things for that I know peripherally, and Karen, and I deliberated for a week about talking to her, ending in feeling it would probably make things awkward for her and decided in the end to try something original for me and be direct. The $64 million question on the back of the topic of awkwardness is will you get through this without it getting awkward... I won't lie to you, the prospects are 50/50 at best.

Chapter 1 - Acceptance

I became aware (rather slowly considering i live in my head 24/7) some time ago, between the after work late night visits to your place while i was last housesitting for Karen and other times on my normal Wednesday trips, and the recent 5 week stint, that i was rather comfortable in your presence. I have been comfortable in the presence of one other person (and several cats, of course it goes without saying) in my life. Okay dog people, like them too but they can be too needy.

Did I just end that by going off on a tangent? Rhetorical much?

I found i was thinking of you at home and not in the vain of "I wonder how her gadget life is going". It was simple "Sylvie is nice and im comfortable around her, what does that mean?, does it mean anything?, does it need to?" and found myself also looking forward to seeing you again.

When this thought process continued for longer than i was comfortable with, my default reaction to this, and anything that causes me confusion and/or pain, was to apply the distance plan (its so far been about effective as the Maginot Line - Note to self: Throw in a French reference, it will make this all seem LESS weird and more accessible). I thought this was the best thing for me and thought it wouldnt be too hard to achieve, as i normally only see you when you need help or advice on computer stuff....simples, to quote the meerkats from the only tolerable tv ad currently screening on Australian tv.

But as usual, i digress....

Of course distance *was* kind of hard to achieve when i was down recently and with you several times at your place and then with meeting Yvonne and Mercedes....

I got home to Sydney and thought okay, distance plan take two. When the invitation to come to your bon voyage dinner came, it was easy to apply the distance plan on top of my usual social weirdness excuse, but the latter was for the first time ever, a secondary consideration. I have felt bad since the minute i declined, fearing i may have upset/hurt you by appearing to easily decline it, like i was maybe i was devaluing your kindness along with your friendship.

I thought i was doing not only the best for myself still trying to deal with my own confusion, and not wanting to add to yours or create any.

Gee im writing this and even im going "When is this freak going to get to the point?". Steady on, this kind of unprecedented for me (is that more internal dialogue?, should I leave it in?)

Since you have been gone, i am no longer confused about why i think of you, or how i feel about you, ive achieved rather a rapid and profound state of clarity on that side of things because its been REALLY obvious to me that having seen you a lot (for me that is, and I think you're on board with the fact I'm not normal) recently I'm very aware when you're not around and my reaction to this.

Failing to acknowledge how I feel to myself has caused a bit of an internal crisis for me, it's been hard to accept. I just hope that now I've externalised it it doesn't cause you a crisis. Feel free to have me shot, I've always maintained my life was simpler when being shot at.

Ive just decided to be honest and say that I do feel comfortable around you, I like you very much and enjoy your company. I think that's the best way to describe the way I feel. Its simple, and not loaded with expectations, which I have to say I have none of as I am very much operating somewhere way off the charts here.

I know this is probably stupendously bad timing, but I've been barely functional this past week as all my thoughts have been geared to trying to resolve things internally and externally, your absence from our hemisphere seemed to spur this on. I felt that I had to say something now or risk never saying anything about it all, and possibly having our next conversation be you telling me you've run off with a Frenchman, which I'll wager you know I would mine as a rich vein of commentary.

I'm not sure how this will be received, but I do not want you to do anything but be honest. If I had of been honest with myself a while ago, and then with you I could have avoided feeling like i had upset/you, and a lot of sleepless nights and many distracted days.

End Note

With that all said, I guess it now frees me to say "I miss you", instead of hiding behind a group "We miss you" from your friends

Adrian

--
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Please don't ask me about my selective mutism :)


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fabzilla
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20 Aug 2014, 8:10 am

Aspyoz! Im digging your signature and avatar..Dr thompson is a legend!
I think you are over analyzing the situation and perhaps beating yourself up a little bit, You should relax. The fact she asked you to join the bon voyage party is a good sign and she obviously wants you as a friend at minimum! Dont worry about her having a fling, it would happen reguardless and theres nothing you can do. no need stressing my friend.. The upside is you actually talk to this girl and she responds!! ! alot of people would be happy with that alone.
My advice is to tell her you like her and you wouldnt mind taking her on a date or whatever you feel comfortable doing. If she rejects you thats at least experience asking a girl out. If she doesnt? you do the math :D best of luck!


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aspyoz
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20 Aug 2014, 9:14 am

fabzilla wrote:
Aspyoz! Im digging your signature and avatar..Dr thompson is a legend!
I think you are over analyzing the situation and perhaps beating yourself up a little bit, You should relax. The fact she asked you to join the bon voyage party is a good sign and she obviously wants you as a friend at minimum! Dont worry about her having a fling, it would happen reguardless and theres nothing you can do. no need stressing my friend.. The upside is you actually talk to this girl and she responds!! ! alot of people would be happy with that alone.
My advice is to tell her you like her and you wouldnt mind taking her on a date or whatever you feel comfortable doing. If she rejects you thats at least experience asking a girl out. If she doesnt? you do the math :D best of luck!


My desktop wallpaper is a silhouette of Hunter with the words "Id hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but itheyve always worked for me..."

"Ahh, the good Doctor", this (a common way of referring to Hunter) was said to me by a very proper looking man in a suit in his early 60's serving behind the counter as i put a Hunter book i was buying down on the counter in a bookstore. He didnt look the type to be across Hunter. but we stood and talked for half an hour about our favourite Hunter bits and the magic of his best writing. I still miss him, he expressed the kind of weirdness i sometimes have in my head...and which i sometimes externalise. Onyl he could get away with it! I always love that in bookstores here at least Hunter is in the classics section along with Dickens and Dostoyevsky etc. If youve ever read Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas "wave speech" (seen here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear_and_ ... _Las_Vegas) at the end, or seen the ending sequence of the movie with the monlogue featuring the "wave speech" then you have to admit its one of the best pieces of modern literature all by itself.

I did do an entire week of overanalysing, thats just part of living a locked in confused aspie life. Processing all possible outcomes, and sometimes over and over. Its very hard to not do this. I know theres nothing i can do to stop her having a fling, i did kind of freak out over this for a few days until i finally realised theres nothing i can do, shes her own person and shes entitled to do what she wants, but its coming to that point! What i dont know wont hurt me i think is the saying. I also realised i cant hold others to my personal views or morals. Im learning much during this experience. I could never personally do casual, even if it was Sylvie, im just not wired for that.

I know she already considers me a friend. And i will be 100% okay if thats all we are. My crisis i think was more about me coming to terms with how i felt really (because the one and only other time i got close to someone it was a waste of 7 years of my life and really destroyed me on top of my aspie emotion stunted state)....and telling her how i felt about her, and not whether we become a couple or not. I was struggling just to let her know i enjoy her company , like her and value her.

In my email to her (above in last post) i keep the way i feel about her very simple so its not overwhelming to her (hopefully)

Our mutual friend Karen told me this afternoon they are planning a welcome home dinner for her, and i am definitely going to go. No more running from my feelings (at least with Sylvie!).

When i get a reply, ill update the thread.

Thanks to all again for the support and caring way the thread has gone. Its really helped a lot.


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20 Aug 2014, 9:35 am

That was an amazing letter! In fact, I think you might have just inspired me a little bit.

Best of luck to you! I hope it all works out!


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aspyoz
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20 Aug 2014, 10:23 am

VegetableMan wrote:
That was an amazing letter! In fact, I think you might have just inspired me a little bit.

Best of luck to you! I hope it all works out!


Thanks mate. Im surprised that, apart from the intentionally (hopefully) funny bits, that i came up with what i did ! !

It was honest and to the point, and i guess thats what i know ill get in return, because i know she is atypical to every other woman ive met....she really is a beautiful person


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aspyoz
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21 Aug 2014, 10:26 am

Update:

I knew that Sylvie wasnt checking email regularly while away, but about an hour ago (at 1am my time) i got the reply below.

I can't say im happy. Maybe its just the initial shock, but i feel a bit like ive been put in my place, in no uncertain terms. Obviously im going to probably go into a long period of processing mode..

I want to thank those of you again who took the time to share your views and advice.

I had hoped for a better outcome, would have ended the topic better.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Adrian

Wow! I wasn't expecting that. I am very flattered and also surprised. I appreciate you very much as a friend but only as a friend and I would not want our friendship to alter in any way as I enjoy your company. For me our relationship is clear and I hope that these few lines will also be clear for you so that there is no misunderstanding. Our relationship is important to me and hope also like you that there will be no awkwardness.
We will see each other when I back

Au revoir

Sylvie


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thumbhole
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21 Aug 2014, 10:38 am

Maybe in future you could just try saying:

Dear XYZ,

I like you. Do you like me back?

From,

X



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21 Aug 2014, 12:55 pm

Oh, man, "friend zoned." I'm sorry, that sucks. It's not a good feeling at all. :(


I hope you can work through it as quickly as possible. Easier said than done, I know.


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