Is Aspergers an excuse for bad behavior?

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Should AS be an excuse for bad behavior?
Yes 10%  10%  [ 27 ]
Yes 11%  11%  [ 29 ]
no 36%  36%  [ 98 ]
no 44%  44%  [ 120 ]
Total votes : 274

naturalplastic
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15 Sep 2014, 8:01 am

Is aspergers an excuse for asking stupid questions like "is aspergers and excuse for bad behavior?". In my excuse aspies stand out as being better behaved than NT kids so why would it be an excuse for "bad behavior"?



Statto
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15 Sep 2014, 8:56 am

I'm NT with two ASD children. I'm still not 100% sure on the protocol for these sorts of threads so I hope no one minds me offering my view, but I'll explain how it's ended up working with my two, my son being the main example as the elder of the two.

It's never been an acceptable excuse for bad behaviour but of course it could be the reason. It must also bring with it understanding though. I don't include red mists/melt downs in that as they are a completely different thing and in my view a separate discussion altogether.

Because we've learned how to support my children as we've gone along, at times we have encountered bad behaviour and sometimes not until long after the fact had we understood it was down to an ASD behaviour. Before diagnosis it was far worse of course with endless battles with my son over what clothes to wear always being what sticks in my mind as something I'd love a do over on.

Soon after diagnosis we learned that whilst my son son lacked the intuition around certain behaviours he could be taught the right behaviour. That might be obvious now but it wasn't 6 years ago, we were literally given no information to work with. So when he displayed inappropriate (which is a better word than bad as that implies intent) behaviour we'd explain the issue and what the right behaviour should be. If appropriate we'd put a rule in place, which may or may not include a future consequence/sanction. He'd then get some slack on any repeat so any misunderstanding could be clarified. However once he understood that was that. We have always held him to the same standards we would have done had he not been ASD and to a large degree it has worked well for him.

We still struggle around some areas, social media is a particularly fun subject right now. He's struggling to understand the moralities of what you can and cannot write to someone, regardless of how just you think you are. In fairness as much of that is us struggling to articulate the rationals. So as things stand he's just having to take our word for it, which none of us are all that happy about.

The school has also worked well with us all on it. We've had a great dialogue and have been very consistent with setting rules and expectations. If anything they were making too many allowances and we had to make them toughen up. Even my son agreed and he told them that as they always gave him a warning, he'd always use it before behaving himself. That's my boy!

In fact he's gone from throwing chairs at teachers in his first year of secondary school to being made House Captain heading into his exam year. He's not a token appointment either as he was judged by the same standards as everyone else, I wouldn't have allowed any different. I can't hide my pride though. Mind you he came very close to losing it in the first week of his tenure, but that's another story. The trick for my son was not accepting the bad behaviour but understanding it. I'm glad to say the school bought into that with us and it has been a delight to be honest.

We are just starting the same process with my daughter, so I'm hoping it goes nearly as well. They are very different though so we know the exact same approach may not work but at least this time we have a starting point. Sorry, that became a long answer to a simple question but I thought it may be interesting with regards to,how we approached it as parents. Or maybe not.

I'm open to constructive critique also. :)



skibum
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15 Sep 2014, 9:40 am

Statto, this is a really great post you wrote. Thank you for sharing how you help your children. We can learn a lot from this. One question though, you wrote "I don't include red mists/melt downs in that as they are a completely different thing and in my view a separate discussion altogether." What are "red mists"? I have never heard that term before.


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Statto
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15 Sep 2014, 1:20 pm

skibum wrote:
Statto, this is a really great post you wrote. Thank you for sharing how you help your children. We can learn a lot from this. One question though, you wrote "I don't include red mists/melt downs in that as they are a completely different thing and in my view a separate discussion altogether." What are "red mists"? I have never heard that term before.

Thanks I appreciate the reply. What I have loved about this site since I joined a short while ago is that I have learned so much. I came here looking for answers on a couple of specifics but stayed around having realised I have so much more to learn, even on issues I thought I had cracked. If I can help anyone else on here, in any way, even better.

Red mists are what we've always called the melt downs. It's not a term we came up with but I have heard it quite a lot over here. It's always fitted well as during his melt downs my son pretty much zones out and often does not recall what he did. So it was always like an angry red mist descended upon his mind. That was always how I saw the analogy.

I see it as different because his actions were always involuntary and certainly not deliberate. The key haas always been recognising the potential triggers and the warning signs in his own behaviour and him learning the same. It's been successful but took a long time to figure out. We still have the odd one but he can mostly mange it himself now. I certainly have never considered it bad behaviour even if his actions were less than good. He's never been punished for a red mist, well not since we understood anyway. :?

I hope that explains it but feel free to ask if you need/want any more clarity.



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15 Sep 2014, 1:38 pm

Thank you for explaining. I like the term "red mists." It sounds more mysterious and cool rather than meltdowns! :D

You and your spouse seem to be doing a fantastic job with your kids. It is so good to hear about great parenting especially when there are so many parents who are not so good at it and can end up causing damage.


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Statto
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15 Sep 2014, 3:07 pm

We have made plenty of mistakes and will do again I am sure, I'm just not ready to admit to them yet :lol: It certainly didn't come together overnight. I had to retire early due to my own health and in many ways it helped by giving me more time with the kids and allowing me time to learn more. It hasn't helped with my daughters anxiety, but that's another discussion.

I think the key is that we work on it all as a team. We try and emphasise that whatever happens we will always back them and we're also up front that we know we won't get it right 100% of the time. The only thing we can guarantee is that every decision we make it will be in the belief it is the right one for them. I feel it is important that they trust us so that they know if we do the wrong thing, which we do sometimes, it is always for the right reason.

I like red mist too, but the Kick Ass Comics/Movie stole the name... :wink:



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15 Sep 2014, 3:20 pm

No!


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19 Feb 2015, 6:10 am

People seem to forget that people with AS vary largely, so for some of us, you cannot just say that they should learn social skills because some of us have such difficulties that it is nearly impossible to even apply said social skills. So we use AS or HFA to explain our difficulties. So I would not us it as a blatant excuse but rather one that tries to clarify the circumstance and not justify anything that could be regarded as bad behavior. Of course, people often call me an as*hole. But when I try to explain to them that I cannot understand emotions at all and do not know where to place so called social skills to avoid a conflict at all, they do not want to listen to my explanation and call it a bad excuse. I generally try to avoid discussions that can get "emotional" because I know when they get emotional people will get mad at me. I generally avoid social contact that is more than basic (basic as in going to the store or getting something to eat) just because I am severely socially inept. So please do not say that people only use AS as a bad excuse because really some of us lack so much emotional intellect that we cant really help it, even if we learn social skills in theory.