Does anyone else have an unaccepting family?

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crystalc1973
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17 Sep 2014, 9:10 pm

My family life has never been what one would call ideal. I am the youngest of four children, with two older brothers who were adults when I was born, and an older sister who was amazing but she just recently passed away. My Dad was loving and accepting but my Mom was a harsh critic and could never accept having an Aspie child, she just labelled me as "weird" as did my brothers. I have a wonderful husband but I just knew my family would never accept him or the fact that he is Jamaican and I have moved there with him, so I have avoided them for years because I cannot take the negativity. My Dad died last year, and just last week both my sister and mother passed away. This put me in touch with my oldest brother once again, and he claimed he wanted to keep in touch and seemed to show a genuine interest in me, as opposed to my other brother who acts like I don't exist. Well, fool I was to trust him since when I updated him on my life he stopped speaking to me! As it turns out, my mother had not even told him that I had gotten married and moved to Jamaica, which was likely because she was "ashamed" of me. His response hurts me, I had trusted him that he was sincere and now he does this. This makes me miss my sister more than ever, because she would never have done this, and would have been happy for me. I have hardly any experience being part of a loving family, I only saw it through my Dad and sister but no one else. I struggled to be accepted and never really was, it seems I was predestined to be the black sheep of the family and it just goes to show that I was right in staying away from them, since I knew they would never accept my decisions or the man I love. I know it has messed me up coming from such a family, I have a hard time trusting people and always feel so inadequate.



IAmTheCatalyst
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17 Sep 2014, 9:40 pm

Yes, but I am much too exhausted from social activities (I went out to a store by myself for only the third time in my life!) to explain right now. Buy yeah, you're not alone in having entirely unsupportive "family" members. Everyone but my dad and two of my cousins have all but disowned me. :silent:


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IAmTheCatalyst
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17 Sep 2014, 9:44 pm

Oh, and my sister who I currently live with. Haha. Almost forgot.


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Kiprobalhato
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17 Sep 2014, 11:07 pm

i wouldn't call my immediate family unaccepting, sometimes they are, but some of my extended family members can be also, especially on my father's side. like everywhere else i feel left out, but less so since i see them all the time.

also, "nomas lo estás pensando".


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18 Sep 2014, 1:06 am

I feel like my mom is bothered by me being autistic and special needs. Like annoyed and kinda embarrassed. Her sister is like her best friend and they have always been kind of competitive. My cousin is only four months older than me so we were raised side by side and he's always been like the perfect kid in his development. So that's why I think it's hard on her to deal with having me like I am. She is a good mom and takes good care of me. But it's my dad that I'm much closer with and he cares for me the most. He doesn't act like it's a burden to him in any way and acts like I'm the best son in the world. That's hard on her too.



Last edited by EzraS on 18 Sep 2014, 1:10 am, edited 2 times in total.

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18 Sep 2014, 1:08 am

Yes. Not all of them, but at least a few, especially including my step dad, step mom, and biological father. My siblings tend to be more accepting than them (or at least not so unaccepting), but this is not true of all of them, especially my older brother for some reason.

My step dad just got mad about everything, including my behaviors, but it didn't feel too much like it was personal just because he tended to just get mad about everything we did; he called all of us kids "little brats" all the time, and other choice words when he was angry.

To get away from this, I decided to move to my dad's house when I was 12, but that wasn't the end of it. It actually was worse in some ways, because they had a more functional family where all the other kids followed every rule, and they were strict and unbending on many rules that I never had to deal with before. I constantly was yelled at because I didn't understand many of their rules, they seemed too strict and unnecessary. But simply asking them to reconsider something was for some reason extremely offensive to them, and they'd say, "You don't need to know why, you just need to do it." I told them I just wanted to know because it would make it easier to follow the rule, but they still refused to listen. They were very quick to point out all my flaws, but never asked me what I thought about it, or if I needed help.

My step mom was actually pretty mean to me, calling me annoying and telling me to shut up because I liked to quote things from my favorite shows and movies, and she told me I was so loud, but I really didn't mean to be loud, I just didn't notice. She and my dad always said I over analyze everything, that I'm "missing the point", I need to look at them when they are talking to me. Any time I forgot or didn't understand verbal instructions, it was because of so-called "selective hearing", which is apparently when you make a conscious decision to not hear what they say if you don't like it (which makes no sense at all, but of course I couldn't say that or I'd get in more trouble). Any explanation I tried to provide was "just an excuse".

I stopped fighting them eventually, it became clear that they were never going to listen to me. I faked remorse that I didn't feel to make them think I had somehow changed, and then I just found every possible excuse to avoid them for the next 2 years until I could move out, to minimize conflict and make it seem like I was now a "good kid".

I now know why I had all these problems (and tons of others). I want them to see that I am not intentionally annoying or disrespectful. But I really doubt that they will accept it, even if I am diagnosed. They don't understand it, and they don't want to. When I tried to bring it up to my dad and brother, I was immediately met with "advice" about how it doesn't really matter even if I really do have it, because then I can just work hard to become normal. Somehow they think it is something you can just grow out of. They don't give me a chance to explain. It is very frustrating, they don't even treat me like family.


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18 Sep 2014, 1:25 am

What the heck is wrong with marrying a Jamaican guy? I think your family's just jealous of you or something. :roll:

Yeah, my family's pretty crazy. Mom is just barely coming around to the idea that I may be autistic, after thirty years of total denial, but that doesn't help me any because now she's bombarding me with articles from her "natural health" gurus whose magical plants are supposed to make me thin, neurotypical, straight, and generally the person she wants instead of the person I am.

She's not evil; she means well; but she cares very little about my point of view or my perspective. And I'm supposed to be the autistic one! I think maybe having the diagnosis has made me better at caring about other people's viewpoints precisely because it has made me aware of how difficult it is for me to think in that way, keeping two people's thoughts in mind simultaneously. Whereas, my mom just doesn't care to do it. Then again, it's entirely possible she's autistic too; she's just not going to get evaluated, because according to her, all psychologists are out to drug you and get your money.


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metaldanielle
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18 Sep 2014, 2:18 am

Beyond unaccepting. My father is in denial about my issues. He's angry that I didn't turn out to be the genius scientist that it seemed like I would be as a young child. He resents that I'm unable to be independent, and probably slightly guilty deep inside because I think he thinks it came from his side. (I think it came from both)
My mom is just......I think she has an undiagnosed personality disorder, honestly. She knows more about my issues than anyone else in my family, but yet she treats me like crap. She won't admit to being an abuser and thinks I just need to "stop living in the past" (I have PTSD, I literally can't)

The older of my two younger brothers just thinks I need to suck it up. He thinks aspergers isn't that bad and has no concept of the spectrum or how comorbids affect things. He also thinks I'm "crazy".

The younger younger brother doesn't talk much, but he tends to call me crazy when I complain about sensory stuff.

My little sister is the most accepting. There was a little bit of an "older sister hero worship" dynamic going on, but that's faded as she entered her teens. My need for alone time and quiet and her need to sing compulsively and spend time with me clash at times. But overall, our relationship is pretty good.


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TheSperg
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19 Sep 2014, 4:10 am

crystalc1973 wrote:
My family life has never been what one would call ideal. I am the youngest of four children, with two older brothers who were adults when I was born, and an older sister who was amazing but she just recently passed away. My Dad was loving and accepting but my Mom was a harsh critic and could never accept having an Aspie child, she just labelled me as "weird" as did my brothers. I have a wonderful husband but I just knew my family would never accept him or the fact that he is Jamaican and I have moved there with him, so I have avoided them for years because I cannot take the negativity. My Dad died last year, and just last week both my sister and mother passed away. This put me in touch with my oldest brother once again, and he claimed he wanted to keep in touch and seemed to show a genuine interest in me, as opposed to my other brother who acts like I don't exist. Well, fool I was to trust him since when I updated him on my life he stopped speaking to me! As it turns out, my mother had not even told him that I had gotten married and moved to Jamaica, which was likely because she was "ashamed" of me. His response hurts me, I had trusted him that he was sincere and now he does this. This makes me miss my sister more than ever, because she would never have done this, and would have been happy for me. I have hardly any experience being part of a loving family, I only saw it through my Dad and sister but no one else. I struggled to be accepted and never really was, it seems I was predestined to be the black sheep of the family and it just goes to show that I was right in staying away from them, since I knew they would never accept my decisions or the man I love. I know it has messed me up coming from such a family, I have a hard time trusting people and always feel so inadequate.


I can relate to this post very much, even down to moving to my spouse's home country. I found the limited contact with my family good for me mentally and emotionally, and at this point I laugh when my family that is left tries to drag me back into their drama. My mom definitely has some kind of personality disorder among other problems and she is pretty toxic.



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19 Sep 2014, 4:39 am

Yes its the same for me my mom was the one who never accepted me and used to call me 'autstic' she also never took me to my hospital appointments it was always my dad and she would always act like i was a burden she never took care of me and never studied for me she also never cared about my bad grades she would usually prefer and take care of my normal sibilings i never even remember getting a hug from her.



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19 Sep 2014, 6:52 am

My biological father (sometimes.I don't see him any more.) and ex-step mother


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kat8615
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20 Sep 2014, 10:06 am

Yup, everyone is unaccepting except you guys. You guys rock!! ! :batman: :batman: :batman: :batman: :batman: :batman: :batman: :batman:



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20 Sep 2014, 10:24 am

I didn't make the connection until my husband pointed it out recently, but my mom has been really distant and kinda mean since we told her we want -- really, need -- to move to my husband's home country in a few years. Because I'm disabled and it costs so much less to live in his country on one income, I thought she would understand. Especially since he's an only child and his family can help take care of us -- they're even building us a house. But it was right after we told her about it that she changed her mind about letting us stay with her for a year to save up money... and my husband is NT, so I'm inclined to trust his interpretation of her behavior. Still, I'm disabled... it's so expensive in the US, and I want to be able to have a child and have the help I will need to raise that child in the best way possible. So, yeah... I guess my mom isn't being very supportive anymore. It probably also has something to do with the fact that I came out as bisexual and atheist during the last couple years, and she's an Evangelical Christian, so rejecting all her invitations to go to church with her are probably seen as forms of rejection? But that church is f'ing creepy, so no... not going.



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20 Sep 2014, 12:32 pm

My parents don't understand me. Period. I like my siblings because they are willing to deal with me despite not understanding me.


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20 Sep 2014, 12:56 pm

I guess you could say that I did, to an extent....like, my mom knew I was dx'd as being AS, but she never really allowed me to BE AS....almsot immediately after getting the diagnosis, she became almost fanatical about making me "normal," with ABA therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, group therapy with other kids on the spectrum, basically any kind of therapy you can imagine. I was sent the message that many of us are sent as children - what you are is "bad," and the more "normal" you are, the happier everyone around you will be. It will be immensely painful, emotionally taxing, and repressive for you, but hey, that's life - everyone goes through this."

My mom and I never talk about that period of time anymore....these days it's more of a long, confused, emotionally draining nightmare, to recall it now.

I didn't mind the group therapy so much, though - there was one little fellow (about 9 or 10 years old) there who was very sweet and incredibly hyperactive, who adored me right away, and he grew on me too....maybe it was because I was so gentle and nurturing with him when others would have been impatient and belittling, and would address him as "sweetheart" or "dear," due to my mother hen tendencies. When we played board games, he would move my piece ahead of the others when the therapist had her back turned, because he wanted me to win. I was flattered, but would always gently tell him to put my piece back where he found it ("I know you want me to get ahead, sweetheart, but we have to play by the rules").


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21 Sep 2014, 1:40 am

Yes, my Mother feels I am an embarrassment to the family, none of them even recognize that I have AS, even though my Sister works with kids with disabilities she does not think that I have any problems. I used to have my Brother, Sister and all my nieces and nephews on facebook but they have all either deleted me or they changed their names to avoid me. All of the above are very religious and my Wife and I are not. They side with my x wife and invite her to my nieces wedding. The only family member I could relate to was my Father who passed away several years ago and now I feel as though I don't have any family.

My nephew called me a druggy cos I smoke pot now and then. I asked my Brother who's rolling in money for a loan which would have been payed back in full but he declined as I'm not in their church. They are all hypocrites.

They all think I am a lazy bum and should get a job, when I have had several jobs but can't work any longer due to having lower back issues and now neck and shoulder degeneration, pain 24/7. I'm on a disability pension, I smoke pot sometimes to ease my pain, better than popping pills IMO. So yeah my family don't care a hoot about my Wife and I and I think the same of them.