Husband vs. Son issues

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My husband and our son (now 16) can't seem to get along well. My son is not academically gifted
as my husband was as a teen. His dream of the ideal son is the friendless boy who works tirelessly at his own chem laboratory down in the basement and dreams of the presidency and the nobel prize.
My son is a friendless boy who tirelessly watches "Everybody Hates Chris", wears the latest GQ fashion or a reasonable facsimile of it. Likes to girl-watch at the mall, and drowns himself in after-shave, driving manuels, motorcycle magazines, and job applications. My husband FORBIDS him to work and considers B's and C's as BAD GRADES. He insists that he study day and night and at every spare moment. Lately, my son has been telling his dad off - big time. This house has become a constant state of anxiety for me. It's a war zone. My husband holds me responsible
for everything he says and does. Now, he wants to put my son in foster care and extinguish his college money account. He wants him out! He wants me out! All because he joined the school choir. My husband sees no point in any extracurricular activity because my son has no friends anyway and finds social activities rather challenging. I actually feel like I'm losing my hearing and my mind due to the yelling morning, noon, and night. My son and I fight as well but I can take it. I fought with my mom in the same way. It's called being alive. My son desperately wants a peer group to belong to but he doesn't want the kids who want to be his friends. These kids are studious, enjoy computer games, play in band, never cuss,etc... He say he likes them but can't understand why they never express emotion and say damn once in a while. He says they just don't get hot around attractive girls. They like plain girls who wear too many cloths. He told me last night that he feels like he's dying around them. He won't even pray because he stopped believing in God. He thinks the popular concepts of God are ridiculous lies to force people to be content with very little. He said, "Hey mom, we get a big reward for accepting the feeling of being deprived and starved but we get it after we're DEAD!! !" Where's the sense in that, Mom?!" My husband is a devout Christian and that kind of statement is truly Armageddon. I feel like running away from home. I won't due to the fact that I get a picture in my mind over and over again of myself - prostituting along I - 95 and being made fun of about how old and ugly I am. Mean teens spitting at me and throwing trash at me... and lots of pennies. It's an ongoing nightmare in my head.

Your husband sounds harsh with a side of abusiveness. Really, throw out a by-your-account good kid because he doesn't fit a parent's mold? You want to stay with a guy like that? He's hurting you and your son psychologically, and in your son's case, spiritually.

He wants you and your son out? I think he should hit the road, instead.
Call a lawyer and change the locks.

Oh, and don't forget to clean out the bank accounts, too. Otherwise he will.
(voice of experience)

I think I just figured out where your son gets his ASD from ...

OK, minor joking aside, your husband's rigidity sounds very ASD. A stroll through the "Raised by an Asperger's Parent" thread will find many stories that remind me of what you wrote about your husband.

Your husband needs to understand that your son is not him. Your son has his own strengths and weaknesses and his best future will be to maximize those, and not turn him into something he is not.

I think many adults like your husband may have gone through a very difficult "me against the world" childhood and what they seem to take away from it all is that there is only one way to survive in this world: the exact way they did it. My father was like that, and we fought a lot when I was in high school, too.

And then you have that father - son dynamic, where the son needs to differentiate from his father to establish his own identity ... well ...

The faith difference is, no doubt, also really really REALLY upsetting your husband. As Christian parents, I think not having our children believe in God would feel like THE biggest failure, ever. I'm accepting that my kids have very different faith than I do, but aggressive atheism would be pretty hard to swallow. Fact is, they are growing up in a world that sends many negative messages about faith, and they are going to reconcile it differently than we did, and I've seen a lot of young people running to the extremes, one end or the other.

I am thinking the best thing for them both may be to go to a third party counselor together. I don't think you should be forced to take sides in this as keeping your relationship with both strong is extremely important. A third party counselor can hopefully help your husband see what he needs to see, while also letting your son learn from his father in a less confrontational way. Hopefully a counselor that understands ASD AND is middle of the road enough in his or her own life on faith to be able to speak effectively to both your husband and son, too, without forcing a "this side is the right one."

PS - I've noticed that with college and the future looming ahead, my husband is harsher on our son now. For years he was the softy and I was the one pushing. Now he thinks the kid doesn't live up to his potential and needs constant pushing. It is like suddenly they realize their job is about to be finished, all their influence gone, and their child isn't who they expected him to be. Thankfully the transition in our family hasn't been as extreme as it appears to be in yours.

I can understand the pain of a child who rebels. Our daughter secretly cultivated a relationship with a guy on Facebook and ran away with him.

We are also a Christian family. We homeschooled our children to minimize the effects of a corruptive world on our children. However, we have to face the fact that if a child is not a Christian, they are not going to feel very comfortable in a Christian home.

Your son might still be a Christian or he might not have ever been. Many Christian youth rebel at the many short comings of organizational Christianity thinking that this is what Christianity is supposed to be. They may come to a deeper faith later in life. Other "Christian" youth reach a point where they are no longer willing to maintain what they consider to be a facade.

Your husband probably wants the best for his son. He has come to think that the "best" is measured a certain way and feels frustrated as he sees this slipping away.

The fact that your son looks at girls with less of a view as to who would make a good wife and mother and more of a view as to who is more likely to have low character indicates that he may not actually be a Christian.

You might want to have a conversation with your husband and ask him to consider different scenarios.

1. Your son runs away and gets involved with a girl that gives him a social disease.
2. Your son runs away and gets arrested and convicted of a felony.
3. Your son stays at home with minimal contact until he is 18 and then you never see him again.
4. Your son accepts part time employment in exchange for doing better in one class.
5. Your son accepts a motor cycle in exchange for doing better in all his classes.

The shouting may be unpleasant but at least there are ways to negotiate with someone who can still communicate.

It would be nice if your son would accept the life you would have for him. Failing that,
It would be nice if your son would at least not insult the life you have tried to give him. Failing that,
It would be nice if your son would be open to negotiation.

The problem with "either my way or the highway" is that so many youth will choose the highway. If your son is not enthusiastic for the life you would have for him, how close can you get. You may be able to get your husband to consider options if he can see that "plan A" is slipping away.

Encourage your son (except for the girl watching at the mall... that is creepy and is a sign of the culture of objectification we live in).

And get you and your son out. Your husband is abusive (mentally and emotionally).

I'm sorry to hear about this difficult situation. I agree with the suggestion for family counseling.

See if he's willing to do family counseling. If not, talk to a lawyer to see what the best strategy is visa vis divorce.

Your husband sounds like a douche and I think you should talk to a social worker at a women's shelter to find some options for you so you can leave him without that whole nightmare of turning tricks on the freeways. For real. Thats just crazy the stuff he's saying. I would seriously talk to a lawyer too and kick Mr Losey McLoser to the curb.

He wears a fanny pack too, doesn't he?

For real, don't put yourself through this, you are worth more than this s**t, as is your son. He doesn't need to be stuck in that either, especially at 16 years old.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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