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calstar2
Deinonychus
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16 Sep 2014, 5:51 pm

cberg wrote:
calstar2 wrote:
I guess let it die out considering he has backed off a bit after the frank discussion I mentioned earlier in this thread.


It's not very considerate towards yourself to ignore people you care about. Even if it's just for your peace of mind, I say you owe yourselves the gift of civility.


Wait what? I think you might have misinterpreted what I said (or maybe I didn't make things clear), because nobody is ignoring anybody. I meant that if me being somewhat of a special interest were the case, then let that die out in its own time.



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16 Sep 2014, 6:59 pm

Maybe he is worried that you don't really care about him, and doesn't understand that all the smothering is just going to make his problems worse. Hard to say what to do besides don't listen to The_Face_of_Boo. Try setting boundaries, but try not to do it in an overbearing way. Like "I really want things to work out between us, but your clingyness is making me uncomfortable."

Be careful, last thing you want is an obsessive stalker, like me :twisted: .



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16 Sep 2014, 9:20 pm

Do you know exactly what it is that actually makes you feel loved and where your boundaries are?


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calstar2
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16 Sep 2014, 9:28 pm

Ectryon wrote:
Do you know exactly what it is that actually makes you feel loved and where your boundaries are?


What makes me feel loved? Just when somebody is there for/with me. That's it, honestly. As for boundaries, no I don't know what mine are and I do not know how I'd go about establishing them.



Ectryon
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16 Sep 2014, 9:31 pm

calstar2 wrote:
Ectryon wrote:
Do you know exactly what it is that actually makes you feel loved and where your boundaries are?


What makes me feel loved? Just when somebody is there for/with me. That's it, honestly. As for boundaries, no I don't know what mine are and I do not know how I'd go about establishing them.


So you dont require displays of affection I presume. Do you think you can manage to be with someone who requires them and on this scale assuming that he doesnt settle down with time?


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The_Face_of_Boo
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17 Sep 2014, 12:43 am

TornadoEvil wrote:
Maybe he is worried that you don't really care about him, and doesn't understand that all the smothering is just going to make his problems worse. Hard to say what to do besides don't listen to The_Face_of_Boo. Try setting boundaries, but try not to do it in an overbearing way. Like "I really want things to work out between us, but your clingyness is making me uncomfortable."

Be careful, last thing you want is an obsessive stalker, like me :twisted: .


Well, I am not telling her what to do but telling what may be the problem; a 7 month of sexless relationship + guy keeps touching and kissing her ==> guy probably wants sex. It's kinda elephant in the room.
Remember, for many guys sex is perceived the most genuine assurance of love; it hardly can be faked.
If she didn't tell him already then maybe she should tell him that sex won't happen any time soon.

I am done with this thread, the OP is too closed minded for discussion.



Ectryon
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17 Sep 2014, 5:04 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
TornadoEvil wrote:
Maybe he is worried that you don't really care about him, and doesn't understand that all the smothering is just going to make his problems worse. Hard to say what to do besides don't listen to The_Face_of_Boo. Try setting boundaries, but try not to do it in an overbearing way. Like "I really want things to work out between us, but your clingyness is making me uncomfortable."

Be careful, last thing you want is an obsessive stalker, like me :twisted: .


Well, I am not telling her what to do but telling what may be the problem; a 7 month of sexless relationship + guy keeps touching and kissing her ==> guy probably wants sex. It's kinda elephant in the room.
Remember, for many guys sex is perceived the most genuine assurance of love; it hardly can be faked.
If she didn't tell him already then maybe she should tell him that sex won't happen any time soon.

I am done with this thread, the OP is too closed minded for discussion.



I would say at least that its worth asking the OP how her her boyfriend feels about sex.... I guess you were too blunt for comfort. Im guessing the OP and her boyfriend already have this worked out however since it is the elephant in the room.


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calstar2
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17 Sep 2014, 6:21 am

Well, when the first thing you have to say in response to the thread is that I only want sex and to request a FWB situation, then I'm going to have a hard time taking your suggestions seriously. I have sensory issues when it comes to sex, it has been thoroughly discussed as being off the table for the time being and he has yet to complain. He has some smaller issues with physical intimacy as well.

I'm not going to read too much into it considering he has accepted this fact and is supportive, so I don't want to make problems where there aren't any. Maybe he is insecure about the lack of a prominent physical aspect in the relationship and is trying to overcompensate/be reassured verbally. This would fall on him to effectively communicate that to me, though. I'm not saying that this couldn't potentially be the issue and he is redirecting it, but I won't assume it is until he says something regarding it.

Considering this is a fairly recent shift in behaviors/expectations (there are more that aren't really relevant to this thread subject), I am definitely leaning towards insecure about the fact that I have yet to say "I love you" back to him. Addressing a question a few posts above, I believe that he will settle down because he has a bit, but no probably not otherwise. I was in a bit of an uproar when I wrote the original post, so my negative feeligns aren't nearly as harsh now- thank goodness.



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17 Sep 2014, 8:04 am

calstar2 wrote:
Well, when the first thing you have to say in response to the thread is that I only want sex and to request a FWB situation, then I'm going to have a hard time taking your suggestions seriously. I have sensory issues when it comes to sex, it has been thoroughly discussed as being off the table for the time being and he has yet to complain. He has some smaller issues with physical intimacy as well.

I'm not going to read too much into it considering he has accepted this fact and is supportive, so I don't want to make problems where there aren't any. Maybe he is insecure about the lack of a prominent physical aspect in the relationship and is trying to overcompensate/be reassured verbally. This would fall on him to effectively communicate that to me, though. I'm not saying that this couldn't potentially be the issue and he is redirecting it, but I won't assume it is until he says something regarding it.

Considering this is a fairly recent shift in behaviors/expectations (there are more that aren't really relevant to this thread subject), I am definitely leaning towards insecure about the fact that I have yet to say "I love you" back to him. Addressing a question a few posts above, I believe that he will settle down because he has a bit, but no probably not otherwise. I was in a bit of an uproar when I wrote the original post, so my negative feeligns aren't nearly as harsh now- thank goodness.


That's great. I think that it'll work out between you two.



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18 Sep 2014, 2:07 pm

This reminds me of my 2nd relationship which was AS/AS. I was your guy & you remind me of my girlfriend. She eventually dumped me because we were too incompatible; she wanted more independence & believed she was better off without a relationship then. You two sound incompatible & want different things & would be better off dumping him now rather than having more issues as things get more serious & then dumping him when you get so p!ssed you cant take it anymore like my girlfriend did.


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19 Sep 2014, 4:00 am

My first relationship with an autistic girl, we live together in the same room which was never any bigger than 10 feet by 10 feet for 8 months together, half of that time sharing a twin bed and cuddling in sleep every night!

Ya we spent 8 months typically never more than 4 feet away from each other, most of the time touching. Sex nearly everyday.

We were extremely extremely compatible. Being next to each other was ALWAYS better than being away from each other.

Sometimes its nice to find an autistic person of the opposite sex, you connect deep mentally. Maybe even sex is good some of the time. Your reasonably attracted to each other. But are you really that compatible?

You could call it off entirely, or maybe do some experiments first to see if maybe you are more compatible than you think but you've just got stuck on some mental hangups.

I do know however that if a male wants love from a female, he will try harder to impress and seduce her. You not ever giving him love or affection makes him feel like he has to try harder. You then think he is 'needy', but really if you just kissed him, and told him he is beautiful once a day, he'd probably really calm down. I would try giving him affection at regular intervals. Maybe he will calm down to a degree that you actually like. Maybe the initial hang up was on your side, some insecurity or personal issue of your own that disallowed you from experiencing a normal amount of affection from him,which you turned down, which made him try harder, which made you resent him, which made him try even harder, which made you resent him ever more. If thats the case then this same problem will redevelop in your next relationship. Is that you really can't take love and affection from him because of some compatibility issue? OR is it that you had some personal issue, insecurity which disallowed you from being able to take love and affection from anyone?



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20 Sep 2014, 4:24 pm

I like this thread. It's valuable reading for a lot of ppl, IMO. It reminds me of a time that I was certainly too needy and codependent on friends for happiness - which was bluntly, but respectfully, pointed out to me at that time in my life. I had to make a change and learn not to be like that. I read a few books, treated my AS symptoms etc & am currently happy and healthy all on my own and no longer annoy anyone with any sort of needy tendencies. If you recognize yourself as a "needy" person, the best thing you could possibly do for your friendships/relationships/love life is change that s**t as best and as fast as you can. It changes a whole lot in terms of relationship dynamics and people go from wanting to avoid you to wanting to be around you.


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21 Sep 2014, 12:04 am

I think needy people are better off with other needy people. My current girlfriend's needy & I feel alot more secure with her than my other two relationships because she appreciates my neediness as I do her's. I know codependent relationships are unhealthy; I was codependent in my 1st relationship but I got alittle better in my 2nd due to constantly worrying about it & getting on anxiety medication but It was too little too late thou. My current relationship is more like interdependent rather than codependent & it works well for us.


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