I don't understand flirting at all

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crystalc1973
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25 Sep 2014, 6:50 am

Do you find flirting to be a most incomprehensible and bizarre phenomenon? It has always confused and mystified me because for one I don't know how to do it, it is just not in my repertoire, and secondly, because I often misinterpret mere friendliness as flirting when I see other people do it. It's like trying to decipher a foreign language I know nothing about. Sometimes we don't like what we don't understand and when I think I see others flirting I often tend to view them as highly sexed and "only after one thing". The worse situation for me is when I think other women are flirting with my husband, or they may mistake his natural outgoing friendliness as being interested in them. Does anyone else find this particular aspect of human communication difficult to understand and practice?


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Outrider15
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25 Sep 2014, 7:29 am

I find flirting actually pretty simple and easy to understand, it is very easy for me to recognize and find it an exciting and interesting human behavior.

However, I have absolutely little to no interest in flirting at all myself whatsoever.

I especially can't handle pointless flirting; flirting with no gain or point, 'just for fun.'

Flirting in general is tedious, boring, unnecessary, etc.

I would flirt after I enter a relationship, not before.



nick007
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25 Sep 2014, 9:08 am

I don't get when it's happening or how to do it.


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elkclan
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25 Sep 2014, 9:59 am

Wow, outrider, what would be the point of flirting only AFTER you enter a relationship? Though, you're right, flirting is great inside an established relationship.

Flirting is a relatively low-risk way of establishing interest in another person. It's important that there IS pointless flirting that means nothing because otherwise flirting would be a high-risk behaviour.

OP, if you don't understand flirting, how do you know women are flirting with your husband instead of just being friendly? Or how do you know that your husband isn't flirting instead of being just open and friendly? I'm not trying to make you feel insecure, but if you really don't get it...

Flirting can be simply a means of social grooming. A means of acknowledging worth and attractiveness without necessarily acting on anything or escalating the flirtation.



kraftiekortie
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25 Sep 2014, 10:07 am

When I feel turned-on by a person, my "pointless" flirting instincts take over.



GiantHockeyFan
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25 Sep 2014, 10:31 am

I can now identify when women are flirting with me (happened at work yesterday) but I have no idea what their intentions are. It especially confuses me when I see seemingly married/committed women flirting with me.



crystalc1973
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25 Sep 2014, 11:56 am

To answer your question elkclan, I have to look at the context of the situation and rationalize it logically to tell if someone is or is not flirting, that's the only way I can reach a conclusion really. I know my husband is friendly to everyone, even guys, and I know he is not flirting with them, and I may even know that the woman he is talking to is someone he would have no interest in, therefore I know he is not flirting, plus he knows I would punch his lights out if I caught him flirting for real, so it's not going to happen. Other women who may or may not be flirting with him, are likely just doing their job as most of them are in places of business, and as you put it simply practicing "social grooming", even though it is not something I would do personally, others may have no problem with it. I think it is hard to flirt for anyone if you consider yourself unattractive, as I do, and it is hard to put myself in the shoes of someone who thinks they are attractive.



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25 Sep 2014, 9:31 pm

I've been told I've missed it so many times now...



SuperInferior
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26 Sep 2014, 3:41 pm

Incomprehensible? Yes
Bizzare? Not much more than general white lies and hints people tend to rely on in common place interaction.
I think it's like roleplaying to assess a person and their adaptability to suit your needs and interests but I'm not sure.

I think I can tell when people are bad at flirting, because it's more obvious and painful to endure, but decent flirting is so subtle I don't notice it. Or if I'm told it's happened/happening I don't really believe it is. I assume it's a person being friendly.
If a person asks tells me I'm attractive I can assume from that point on their flirting. If they approach me as a stranger and show an interest in knowing me, then see me again another day and remember me and are the same, I assume there may be some kind of flirting happening.
I can't really pick out certain behaviours or patterns. But by the time they ask if I have a boyfriend I can safely assume they were flirting rather than trying to be my friend.
I find most communication with hints and social cues to be like another language...

crystalc1973 wrote:
Sometimes we don't like what we don't understand and when I think I see others flirting I often tend to view them as highly sexed and "only after one thing". The worse situation for me is when I think other women are flirting with my husband, or they may mistake his natural outgoing friendliness as being interested in them. Does anyone else find this particular aspect of human communication difficult to understand and practice?
I believe all flirting is for 'one thing'. I maintain this. My ex used to get upset when I felt his affection was all for 'one thing' but till the very end he only showed me I was correct in thinking that way. He essentially said 'I guess I do use affection to lead up to that one thing, but I'm entitled to get angry when you suggest that's all I'm after' which to me doesn't quite make sense...

I think Im attractive but I dont know how to flirt. And I often find myself wondering if someone is flirting but then concluding they can't be even if it seems like what would be flirting in a film. I don't know why, maybe its low self esteem. It's not like I feel like I'm unattractive though as I said. I just guess its safer to assume they're not than mistakenly assume they are?
Social grooming is a new one to me. I wonder if that's done outside of business settings.



izzeme
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26 Sep 2014, 4:13 pm

i indeed do sort of understand the why, my problems are with the how.
i have missed it on many occasions, as told by several people, but i just dont understand the whole mechanics.

i have tried to learn, both online and from friends (male and female), and almost everything i learned was the most counterintuative i have ever heared...
making direct eye contact? that's a sign of agression; flashing smiles and hair twirls? i got more important things to look out for; light touching or looking for touch? *shrudders*...
the list can keep going on, but it was all variations on the same theme; human flirting is exactly what i'd do to make sure someone would *not* approach me...



andyfzr
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27 Sep 2014, 7:19 pm

i dont get it at all, I cant tell whether a girl is flirting or just being friendly. If I ever get anywhere with a girl, which is rare then they usually have to practically spell it out for me cos I just cant read the signs nor can I say the right things to them.



Ectryon
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28 Sep 2014, 4:48 am

I cant tell when im being flirted with either. I can pretend to be the self confident witty seducer in the right setting but it never works everywhere else.


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SuperInferior
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28 Sep 2014, 7:25 am

Ectryon wrote:
I cant tell when im being flirted with either. I can pretend to be the self confident witty seducer in the right setting but it never works everywhere else.


What's the right setting and where doesn't it work?



autismthinker21
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28 Sep 2014, 2:38 pm

flirting is simple, you make something cute to say and then the mood comes on.


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