Trauma after trying desperately to fit in with NTs?

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^^ This. I can identify almost 100%. When I learned, I felt simultaneously traumatized and not surprised - weird, I know. I also tend to be hypervgigilent and I am really only able to shed this around my family, and I'm really thankful for them allowing me to let this guard down. Sometimes talking (in monolog form) is kind of like a stim and I need the pressure relief valve. Living in an NT world can be for the birds a lot of times. I did however learn that the more I practice listening the easier living in the NT world is.

Right now is a good example. There is a block party on my street . Lots of noise and socializing, meeting people I have not seen in years etc. The mistakes happen when stressed and tired. In the past I would have felt obliged to be out there from the beginning to the very end. Now I know to take frequent breaks so it is ok so far.

At 36 years of age, been there and done that. Have the broken spirit and scars to prove all. Now, one of my few pleasures in life is seeing the majority neurotypical sociopaths kill each other off via war/violence, which considering today's global climate, might just be a reality.

But what about innocent spectromites who get accidently get killed in the crossfire or who still don't know they are ASD?

Those will be the true victims in the neuro typicals never ending wars.

I wish I could relax and "be me."

Even the thought causes panic.

I must be what people wish to see, if I fail to do that it is the disease. Not that that gives me an "out" in any way; after all, if I want to keep my life it is my responsibility to control the disease-- all the diseases-- at all times.

Not just mine, either. I must accommodate others' diseases, and at the same time make sure all my children present perfectly.

I am going mad. Completely, utterly, totally mad. To a place that there is no coming back or getting up from. To a place from which no one will want me to come back, where the fun and happy and loving person who used to be in here won't even be a memory.

I've been really struggling with this lately. Really just becoming aware of it. It is trauma, it is traumatic. It's this way that we've learned to bend our mind in order to be perceived as worthwhile human beings. It's this way we've learned to justify our existence, to not be "too much." It hurts. It hurts so much. Defining yourself by sets of arbitrary social standards, berating yourself for failing to live up to them, allowing other people's criticism to hit you where you live, in your soul.

The other day people were talking about someone, and how she always throws people under the bus to get ahead. And I piped up and said that you can't expect people to be kind to you because you will get hurt. That kind of expectation is vulnerability, and that's why she made people on our floor cry. They expected her to have their back, and she didn't.

Everybody just looked at me like I was insane, and pointed out that I just lack faith in humanity. I don't. I really don't. I think most people do the best they can with what they have, but all I could think while they were saying that was, they have never had to conceal themselves from others. They have never been put down because of who they are. They have never had to harden themselves against others, because they have always experienced acceptance.

People say that people with autism don't have feelings, they don't feel empathy, they don't have compassion. But I've found the total opposite even just reading this forum. We are people overflowing with empathy and kindness, because we know so very intimately what it's like when no one shows it to us.

Maybe we don't express it in the same way (and we are told, constantly, that what we do express is Not Emotion Enough, not good enough. not. good. enough. not. good. enough. doing it wrong. fix it. make it better. be better. do better. no exit. no. exit.) but that doesn't make it invalid. It doesn't make us invalid. We are not invalid. It is okay to be us just because we are. We don't need to excuse ourselves for living. We don't. It's so, so important, and so vital, and it's been such a long road without knowing that.

Yes ... traumatized for sure. I feel like I have no intrinsic value.


I have not yet been able to shed it. And I'm not sure I'll be able to find my way back.

I would hope, silly as it might seen, that hugs and kisses might be one entree back into a self-confident mode of existing.

And acknowledgement of your differences coupled with the desire to use your differences, instead of mere conformity, toward an amelioration of your unself-confident condition.

Back in 2002-2003 I had lived with two roommates who appeared to be NTs who were a lot older than I was. The entire time that I lived there I did not bother to disclose my diagnosis with them. I did not want them harassing me about needing to have this service or that service. So I kept my mouth shut. I also tried to be an NT and it just did not work. When I moved in I did not pick up on certain things.

1. One of them was seeing a chore that needed to be done
2. I acted like I was 14 rather than 20 and 21.

So they thought that I was irresponsible and responded inappropriately in return.

Then I joined a church about a year after the roommate scenario and the family member who I was living with at the time and I both decided not to tell anyone. Once again it proved to be a failure when others noticed my odd behaviors. So we had to start telling them. I had the most trouble with the church singles Sunday school group.

1. I joined a small group but I did not know the rules since no one had told me. They did prayer requests all the time and I happened to feel bad for one of the girls there. So I talked about her situation with other Sunday school members in church.
2. The small group leader pulled me to the side and said that I betrayed her trust and was being accountable.

They assumed that I was someone who was a gossip and pretty much exploited me from their group.

I am a newbie here also. I haven't been diagnoses but the things people are saying here make so much sense. I got curious and started looking into it and so much of what I have read has made me feel like I am going to get choked up. Definitely feel like I'm from a different planet and wish I had a reason why it is so incredibly hard to understand and fit in. Whatever my own problem is aside, I look forward to learning about myself and how to live with respect to other people by being part of this forum.

Trauma from trying to live here in this society definitely rings a bell.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. Respect, I like that word.

It is a very intense emotional experience to when one finds out for the first time there are others like you.

I was misdiagnosed for about 17 years, was told it was depression, bipolar, anxiety, etc. Doctors never listened to me when I told them I didn't feel like an average person with depression. Finally found a doctor that could do testing to give me a proper diagnosis a few months ago. It was nice at first to finally be able to make sense out of all the things that happened in my past, but now things kind of just feel hopeless like this is about as good as it is going to get.

I relate to that feeling. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago by a qualified professional. I slip into hopeless still sometimes. It is hard to know what my limits are because we can learn social skills. We can get better over time with practice. However, we are never going to be NT. Some things don't change. Anyway, there seem to be a few people on this forum who have learned to live reasonably happy lives despite having AS. I look to their example for hope and I encourage you to do the same. Don't drown in the negativity that is so pervasive here.

I hope no-one takes offense that I am posting this thread. I am a NT person, and I follow this forum to gain a better understanding of my son (who is currently being evaluated), but also of his father (we are divorced but still live together as friends/co-parents), who is probably also on the spectrum. Reading the stories in this thread has greatly moved me, and I am so ashamed of the pain I must have caused my (assumed) AS husband in the past.

Throughout our marriage, I interpreted his emotional detachment and need to be alone as him not caring about me/the children. I also saw his rigid personality and difficulties in getting things done and as him being a selfish, lazy person, who left all the responsibility to me so that he could relax and take it easy. I assumed that he was NT (albeit a bit "quirky") and from a NT point of view, these conclusions were logical on those premises. The last year of our marriage I spent a lot of time criticizing him about these things, insisting that he wasn't trying hard enough/caring enough.

I realize now how horribly wrong I was, and how hard he must have been trying to fit into my expectations. I also realize that so many of his needs (to be left alone, to not constantly have to talk about feelings etc) were not being met by me, and that when they were, it was done in a begrudging manner, where I made it clear that I found these needs strange and cumbersome. Had we known that he was on the spectrum, and had we understood what that entailed, there could have been so much less suffering on both our parts.

It is true, that we all live in a NT world, which we all need to learn to navigate to a certain degree. But just because one way of being is more typical, it doesn't mean that all other ways are wrong and should be fixed. Just like the LBGT community make it clear that they do not intent to be slaves under the heterosexual norm, I think society as a whole would benefit from a similar movement regarding the spectrum.

I for one, do not want my son to grow up feeling that he is different in a "wrong" way. I intend to teach him that yes, he is not typical in some senses, but that both the NT and AS worlds have their pros and cons, and that he should be proud of who he is.