Men asking before kissing on First Date (again this topic)

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If you don't ask me for a kiss and kiss me without my consent, you're sexually abusing me!

Okay here are the results of my pop quiz. Prepare to be very unenlightened/more confused, hahaha.

I got responses from six of the seven women I asked. They are non-aspie, mostly hetero women aged around 27-34.

Q: Should a guy ask permission before kissing you for the first time?

A: "Hmmm ... If you are keen and there is chemistry no if not hell yes"
A: "Tough question, sometimes the spontaneous moment on a date needs no permission but an end of date farewell can be improved by asking because it's like a declaration of interest rather than just formality."
A: "I think it's nice. I think it's better to than not, so then there's no mixed signals. But I think neurotypical women will have different opinions. Some find it odd, but I find it caring and polite. And it can be done in a cute way so it's not overly strange. I think a guy who asks is a good thing, at least he wants to know you're comfortable before launching himself at you. I think it's mostly girls you wouldn't want as gf anyway (bit immature) who see it otherwise." "Yeah, sometimes the mood gets put off by it, but the kiss usually puts me back on track "
A: "I don't think he needs to actually ask? "
A: "Hmmm, tough question! I guess it depends on the guy :s. Also on my mood. How I would have responded to that question when I was 18, 21, 24, and now 27 would all have different responses. I've changed as a person and I'm sure the way I would have answered that question throughout the past 8-9 years would be different."
A: "Personally, I don't think I'd care if I've been asked or not in an intimate situation - if I'm yes, I'm going to go for it, if I'm no, I'm going to brush them aside. If it's someone who is clearly taking advantage, I'm going to be pissy and cause a scene. If it's some random on the street, I'd appreciate being asked so I can just say no."

Can't they simply give a yes or no?

I would have. Oh well.

Non-simple questions beget non-simple answers. lol

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo4568PIRnk[/youtube]

I'm embarrassed for not remembering this sooner, I'd have loved to drop this one a few weeks back.

I imagine this might become a real thing in California soon...

The most confusing is that non-NT gal; in the bolded part she says it may kill the mood - but the mood is killed it would be an automatic no (even if she so liked the guy).

She's NT. She's saying different NTs will have different opinions to her. And that the mood might be put off by the question but that if she says yes, the mood will return once the kissing starts. She talks about the mood because in between the two quotations she asked me why I was asking and we discussing it a bit.

I am curious, would even a statement of kissing you (like how was suggested here by others) turn you off too?

I doubt it. It's the "acquiring verbal permission before making a physical advance" that spoils the mood for me. It might have been in another thread where I added that if it's done in a way that fits the mood, with a flirty smile and a lean in or something, that would most likely be just fine. But standing back and simply asking to kiss me (or hug me, etc) in a formal manner, distracts from the moment.

Looks like that mood is nature?s way to enforce the rule that a man doesn?t deserve the kiss unless he is so sure he?s earned it he?s willing to risk absolutely anything that may ensue if the kiss isn?t welcome, and this, of course, includes being declared a sex offender and punished as such.

But if you go in for the kiss (after getting positive signals thus far) and she turns her head away, flinches, or moves backwards, just stop. If she moves her mouth towards yours, you kiss. Where is this huge risk people keep bringing up?

For many of us, particularly on this forum, those positive signals are quite subtle and extremely hard to notice, so when we make the attempt we're basically going in blind. And unless you are moving really slow (like 5-10 seconds between moving in and making contact), it may be difficult to see any negative reactions before it's too late. For me, the risk is more the embarrassment factor than anything - if I try to kiss someone and she doesn't want to, it makes me feel like a total creep, and I feel absolutely terrible and disgusting afterwards. Whereas if I ask and she just says "no thanks", then that's that and we both go our separate ways - no harm done. Of course I never phrase it "Can I kiss you?", because I agree that it sounds really strange and slightly off-putting. I usually ask "Would you like a kiss?", or try to make it into a statement, but I don't know if that's any better or worse.

Yeah. I do get that. I struggle with non-verbal cues but with flirting maybe not so much. But even if I did, if I attempt a kiss, I think it would be obvious if they moved their head away? You'd have to physically chase their lips down. Might be an embarrassing kiss on the cheek or swiftly turning it into a hug instead, but I'd have thought it wouldn't be too difficult to not let your lips touch if she tries to evade it.

Rejection and awkward moments, sure, that's a risk. It's the sexual harassment thing I don't get.

How about looking the girl in they eyes (if possible) and holding her face in your hand? Would that be a fairly clear sign that you want to kiss her? That might be a nice non-mood-killing solution. Surely she'd move your hand away if she didn't want it to go any further?

Please don't tell me touching her face with your hand could wind you up in jail too That will depress me too much.

That was essentially the position that the champions of the 'ask first' position were taking, that and the threat of internet witch hunts.