Is it Verbal Abuse?

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Hi everyone,

I have a question. This is my first relationship, so I'm a little confused on whether or not I am overreacting.

I have been in a long distance relationship for a year, with a man who is bipolar. Today, I was feeling upset so I went to him to seek advice. We work in the same job field, and always mentions that I am inferior and bad at my job. He told me for subjects he is better at, he will always talk to me as an inferior. Today I mentioned that I felt untalented and he responded with: "Well, I am more talented than you". He also told me: "If doing nothing solves problems, then go for it, otherwise do s**t" --> his response to my extreme depression right now. He also claims our relationship problems are due to Asperger's, and told me that if I never told him, he would have broken up with me a long time ago.

I don't know--do all relationships have these issues, or is this abuse? Am I overreacting?

It's a toxic relationship and I think it's time to put it down. I know, I know, easier said than done.

Agreed.

Yes it is abuse. End it now. I wasted 3 years I will never get back in a very similar relationship because I didn't know better. Learn from my mistake, end it and sever all ties, it'll only get worse.

It is abusive and a blatant lack of support. Also a blatant lack of respect for what you are feeling and he also indicates he doesn't care about your diagnosis with Aspergers.

That is very abusive. People like that get a thrill out of stomping others down.

Dump him, move on. That's not a relationship you have there.

Sure sounds like verbal abuse to me. I'd say stop seeing him and find a more understanding partner.

I'm so sorry your first relationship has ended up being a toxic one. You have to get out of this relationship, or things will get WAY out of hand. There is no point in continuing.

You should drop him like a hot potato, which is exactly what he is.

If someone is always putting you down in an area that's important to you, criticising you and making unfair comparisons - it's abuse. If someone is chipping away at your confidence in what sounds like a systematic way, it's abuse.

Let's say that he IS more skilled and experienced in this job field. An understanding and supportive partner would help you expand your skills in a positive way.

What I'd say is more likely (not knowing either of you and not knowing what you do) is that he is better at some aspects of your job - and some you will be better at. In a good relationship, you'd be talking through aspects and approaches to your work and learning from each other.

It sounds like he is insecure about his talents and makes himself feel better by putting you down. He's insecure in his workplace and is using you as emotional fodder to bolster his own self-esteem. That's abuse.

If you've been putting up for this for a while, having some of your core skills and values constantly criticised - it's no wonder you're depressed. It may not be the sole cause of your depression, but it's certainly not helping.

His behaviour is consistent with people I know to be bipolar. I wouldn't be offended by his behaviour because it has nothing to do with you, but rather reflects the state he was in when he spoke to you. Correcting him would not achieve very much, because he needs therapy to deal with his mood shifts. Meanwhile you need to move on with your life and I hope you find a more loving and accepting partner in your next relationship.

My ex GF said abusive things to me. What did I do? I retaliate with sarcasm. This is wrong.

Take that name calling that he or she does and make them aware. "You are being abusive, and it is making me sad/angry" When you say a statement like that expect resistance.

When I took the "How I feel about your statement" approach I get an apology. The apology from some one that you love and it is sincere is wonderful feeling. Get that sincere apology from him.

If this guy cannot say I'm sorry and I will not belittle you again....the it's time for ultimatums. Tell him Stop the abuse or you are breaking up with him.

Never mind if all relationships have abuse or not, this man is a nasty so & so. I know people with bipolar and they aren't downright nasty so that's no excuse and don't try and defend him for it. Get rid of him. He's gonna damage you. Probably beyond repair if you hang on.

Ditto.

I think that this man is seeing how much rudeness and disregard you're willing to accept and that if you keep accepting it, his comments will keep getting worse.

Yes, this is abusive. Don't accept it.

But hot potatoes are delicious when topped with sour cream, chives, and melted cheddar!

No, seriously, leave the relationship. My first relationship was with someone who didn't even have the same career or academic interests as I had, but he came off as overly self-assured from the beginning. While he liked to put down whatever I was doing because "liberal arts are useless," he would read up on the same things I was studying just to engage in debates and belittle me (He was excellent at improvised debate but would only engage in conversations about certain things he wouldn't otherwise be interested in just to put me down because of my relative slowness to respond). While most of what I did supposedly embarrassed him, he'd participate in similar things only to degrade me and take jabs at my self esteem.

Supposedly he took the MCAT and was going to med school, but I see he has had the same job for the past five years.

Note that I am the one who was at one time formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He read up on schizoid personality disorder and Asperger's syndrome, asking me if I thought he had both. Frankly he struck me as sociopathic and just wanted an excuse to be an ass.

I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like this.