I am new here... *WARNING* long rant ahead.

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Johannes88
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18 Sep 2014, 3:26 pm

Oh please, feel free to rant! I think that's kind of an aspie characteristic, I call it monologuing.

awww, sounds like you had a rough childhood. Who here didn't? Oh yeah, I was so content just being a kid and not worrying about popularity then you get to middle school and all the stuff you like is lame, and all the stuff you don't like is cool. And all those social relationships you should've been trying to form before you just kind of didn't because you didn't care.

Well, at least it sounds like you are very artistic!

I think that's cool. I probably used to draw in class more than I'd pay attention to what was being said. But I was pretty good at remembering information I wrote down so I could always do good on tests. Math was always tough though, and English for some reason I was constantly missing homework assignments and I swear they were sneaking stuff onto that board but nobody else ever seemed to have a problem. But I made up for it in college :).

I got made fun of and it was always hard to talk when I was mad or upset. My throat just kinda closes up and I can only get anything out if I shout it like as loud as I can, but even then it's not very coherent. I'm exactly like you.

But a couple of times if someone was making fun of me I'd hit them. If I can't defend myself verbally then it has to be physically, right? Unfortunately, teachers don't see it that way, especially when you're still almost as mute as you were before because you're still upset, and NT's know how to play it like they were the victim. You shouldn't take other's crap though, I would've stood up for you.



IAmTheCatalyst
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21 Sep 2014, 2:00 am

I call it monologuing too. :) Yeah, I did have a rough childhood, but I sort of take on the Marilyn Manson quote "I'm born villain, don't pretend to be a victim." I was born this way, I can't really change that. I haven't been to college yet, but perhaps I will go when I become socially adept enough to do so. I actually left school in 9th grade.

One time when I was in 9th grade, I was bullied for an entire class right in front of the teacher, and he did nothing. Then when I told him at the end of class he said "Well, maybe you shouldn't act that way, and then they won't bother you." Yeah. Teachers don't help much. I didn't know in what way I was "acting" to get bullied. It seemed to me like I was just sitting there trying to do my work.

*Oh, and it took me so long to respond because I lost this password and have been busy painting. :D


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Johannes88
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21 Sep 2014, 9:35 pm

That's ok, I was in Philly with my cousin.

I like that quote. Too many people play the victim these days.

I've seen people who just didn't get it, I've felt sympathy, I try to help but I a lot of times you get dragged down with them. I guess I've always liked people who were different like me. At some point I kind of realized while the masses may not always be intelligent and I can't fight the whole world, there's many times a reason why we all herd to do one thing.

Well, I made it through college sometimes it's better because there is a much bigger pool of ppl and you don't have to just deal with the one hierarchy. There are many hierarchies. Plus, if you're an aspie then you just focus on school and you do good. Ha, I was still a villain to some though. I could never be part of the group but I'd always have outside relationships.

my friends are all in various states of suck. My one best friend is dead, other is in prison, third just kinda is stagnating with a crappy job. I guess I'm a survivor. I have a good job and I'm not dead.

It's really cool you do art, what do you paint?



IAmTheCatalyst
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22 Sep 2014, 3:22 pm

That's the way I always think about it. "Well, I'm not dead am I?".

About my art; I sing, write lyrics/poetry, and paint. My paintings are abstract (though I hope to get into realism someday, perhaps), and signed in my own blood (which really isn't all that scary sounding if you've heard of Nick Kushner, who does entire paintings in his own blood.). I also want to get into photography and learn the guitar.

Image


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Johannes88
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23 Sep 2014, 10:54 pm

I get the feeling you are watching me..



2PacRemoveKebab
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28 Sep 2014, 5:43 pm

Hey, is your name from the Starchild in Mass Effect 3? I find your artwork quite good; it isn't banal, lifeless or generic like most contemporary artwork -- I prefer Cubism and Post-Impressionism. Also, that you want to learn the guitar is an interesting thing as well. An acoustic or electric guitar? I would recommend getting an electric guitar because the strings are softer, allowing you to play without calluses.



IAmTheCatalyst
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29 Sep 2014, 4:11 pm

No, although I have played a bit of ME3 with my cousin and enjoyed it. It's the scientific meaning of catalyst : a substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change.

As a person I wish (through my artwork, music etc.) to be a catalyst through which people learn to be themselves, think for themselves, learn new things, and be happy to be who they are no matter what society says is "wrong" with them; for them to cease being sheep. Of course that goal is going to take a lot of practice. :lol:

Thanks for the compliment on my art. I want to learn acoustic first, because I already own an acoustic. Then I shall learn electric. I kind of
want the callouses. I already have them on my feet because I hate wearing shoes.


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IAmTheCatalyst
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29 Sep 2014, 5:09 pm

I also want rant a bit more about a couple more possible symptoms I have discovered the past week. Since my sister (who I currently live with) was around me the most as a child, I've been aiming my questions about my childhood to her. RANT TIME. Here's some stuff:

I would seemingly "get lost" in my own world all the time.

I would always wrap myself up tightly in a blanket so everything was dark (sensory stuff?), I did this until about 12.

I had the "little professor syndrome" about dinosaurs, and later, the paranormal. If I ever spoke to people I would start telling them facts recited exactly from the many documentaries I watched and books I read. I always had to have a book with me. There are pictures of me holding my books like teddy bears. I also wanted to be a paleontologist or a ghost hunter. This all started at around six.

Also, around that age I started "toe walking". She thinks I started doing it because I saw a t-rex do it, but it ended up continuing on until 6th grade (I even still do it in short bursts to this day, if I'm making a sandwich or something.). My sister said I would put my hands up near my chest when I did it (I remember doing that as well since it also persisted until I was 12). She also said I made a sound that sounded like "lurmpalurmpalurmpa". I don't remember the last bit. I must have stopped that young. (vocal stim?)

I also spun in circles all the time, but I stopped doing it inside after I busted my nose open on a table (I have a nice little scar from that).

Personally, I remember being taken out of normal class in elementary and being in a classroom with a shy girl who was one of my few friends, and a LFA who loved toilet flushing sounds. We would do things like feed tadpoles and draw. I also remember talking to a "nice lady" a lot. Sadly, my grandmother (and grandpa, if it was at my second elementary) is not around anymore to tell me if I was in any separate classes, and my sister was too busy being a teenager. Just an odd memory that seems kind of relevant. RANT OVER


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Last edited by IAmTheCatalyst on 29 Sep 2014, 8:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.

IAmTheCatalyst
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29 Sep 2014, 5:52 pm

I found some old picture examples.

Exhibit A and B of my odd posture (not sure if it has to do with anything). I constantly had people forcibly straightening me growing up. All it did was upset me. In Exhibit B I was forced to dress up in uncomfortable pink clothes, but I had my "lucky necklace" (which I wore for years until it broke so many times that I couldn't wear it) that I would play with and twist around in front of my face all the time. I even wore it in the shower.

A http://imgur.com/lXPKjqa B http://imgur.com/9FtQGNs

I couldn't find any of me actually hugging my books (I probably lost them) but here I am in the first one showing off my dinosaur knowledge. In the second one I'm trying to play my ukulele and I'm wearing a comfortable giant shirt.

http://imgur.com/gBRsS4a http://imgur.com/snLpi73


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L_Holmes
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29 Sep 2014, 7:40 pm

Those are cool pictures. I like the Exhibit A one, though I don't quite know why, it just looks nice to me.

Now I'm wondering how many pictures my mom has of me from when I was little. I hardly have any current photos of myself, I don't usually like having my picture taken, unless I'm doing it myself for my own purposes (not to post 50,000 selfies a day on Facebook like my sister :roll: ).

I definitely relate to the whole "being lost in your own world" thing. That was pretty much constant for me (still is actually). Everyone at work says I always look like I'm really deep in thought, which is entirely accurate. It's pretty much impossible for me to not be in deep thought. When I was little I would be so lost in my mind that I wouldn't respond to anything in the environment, including my own mom right in my face saying my name over and over. She said it took 5 whole minutes of that one time before I did anything, and even then I didn't really seem to acknowledge her, I just decided of my own accord that I would do as she asked (go into my school) :lol:

I like that painting too. And it's signed in your own blood? That's pretty awesome :D what do you use to do the actual writing part? That would be cool if you had one of those old-fashioned calligraphy pens or a quill; I can't think of what else you could use though.


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IAmTheCatalyst
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29 Sep 2014, 8:28 pm

Thanks, I loved that pond growing up. I don't really have any pictures of myself these days either, minus the ones I rarely take on purpose for facebook and whatnot. Oh, and the ones that people sneakily take of me. Ugggh. lol

I'm also still "in my own world". I've often been accused of not knowing what "reality" is. Personally I think I understand it better than any of the people who have accused me of such. It's also impossible for me to stop thinking. I tried to self medicate with alcohol and allergy pills before. The allergy pills would make me sleep, so in a way they stopped my thoughts. These days on rare occasion smoke a certain herb, and that makes my thoughts more focused, it doesn't slow the speed however.

I get people telling me I have the "deer in the headlights" look a lot, as well as the "deep in thought" look.

I sign it with my finger (or a paintbrush), although I'd really love to have a quill. I used to have a feather a while back that I could have used as one, but I lost it.


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L_Holmes
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30 Sep 2014, 1:16 pm

I get the "deer in the headlights" look a lot too. Especially if someone is asking me, "Did you get the task done that I gave you?" ... um... you gave me a task? Haha.

Or if someone asks me what I am thinking about right now, I totally freeze and my mind comes to a halt, I can't explain it to them. And then they call me a liar when I say I don't know even though it's the truth, and force me to answer, so eventually I make something up. It's only happened a few times, but I hate that question.

I have self medicated only with caffeine in the past, sometimes it helps me focus. When I got on Adderall I thought it would calm my mind down and allow me to not have the constant voice in my mind always analyzing everything. But instead it actually made me even more in my own world and super focused on my interests, like I couldn't even pull away to eat with food ready to eat and right in front of me.

That's when I started thinking that I had something other than ADD, so I started searching everything odd that I did in my childhood, and autism came up pretty quickly. It was weird reading it, because I felt like I was reading my biography, the only thing was that I never really stimmed.


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IAmTheCatalyst
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30 Sep 2014, 4:49 pm

Yeah. Whenever my aunt would ask me certain types of questions, or I gave the "I don't know" answer, she would yell at me saying "Quit looking like a deer in the headlights and answer me!"...which made me do it even more. If she continued then I would either shut down or meltdown (depending on how serious the situation was).

Personally, for about three years I just decided I must have some strange form of depression or social anxiety, even though I didn't match 95% of the symptoms of those things. I just couldn't find an answer.Then I found Asperger's and was shocked that nobody had seen these things in me.


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L_Holmes
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30 Sep 2014, 6:41 pm

Yeah, looking back I don't understand why nobody didn't at least think I had something. I can see maybe not figuring out autism right away, as it's uncommon, but for some reason teachers and parents and pretty much everyone thought I was consciously choosing to go against rules and throw tantrums, I was sent to anger management therapy twice but that wasn't my problem so obviously it didn't help.

I think many people just assume that unless you have tons of obvious and visible problems, then you must be totally normal. And if they find one thing that makes you seem to be functional (intelligence in my case) they use it to diminish your other problems. And then they think they are doing you a favor by telling you nothing's wrong with you, when really they're just making it harder to get help. It's frustrating.


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IAmTheCatalyst
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30 Sep 2014, 9:04 pm

Exactly. I was actually discussing this with my sister earlier, that my aunt and uncle thought I was doing everything on purpose. I told them MANY times that I was not doing any of the things that were "problems" on purpose. You would think after a few years they would get it, but nope. :roll:

I had forgotten that my sister asked me to make her some soup earlier (she's sick and needed some) and that's how we got started talking about it. My problem with verbal command comprehension and short term memory is one of many issues they thought I was doing on purpose.

Luckily I won't be dealing with that anymore. My sister get's confused by me quite a bit, but overall is much more understanding.


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L_Holmes
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02 Oct 2014, 3:39 am

Did they ever say you have "selective hearing"? My parents would say that all the time. The first time they said it to me I was confused and asked what it was, and they said it's a "condition" where you basically choose to only hear what you want to hear and somehow don't process the rest, which makes like zero sense. And they think my theory is questionable :roll:

I tried explaining to them it didn't make sense. There's no way a person could choose to not hear something based on the content of what it was they were hearing, as that would mean they must be comprehending what the person is saying enough to know that they don't like what the person is saying. In which case they no longer can choose to not hear what the person is saying (assuming they could even do that to begin with).

I was trying to tell them it's not even an issue of hearing, I have perfect hearing. I tried explaining that sometimes I just would totally lose memory of what they said even if I remember them telling me something, even if I was actively trying to listen and understand what they were saying. It's like it doesn't register in my mind when people say things to me, I can't process it by the words alone for some reason. I bet I could have even repeated what they said right after they told me, but the words didn't transfer to information in my head and so they just got deleted. Of course they didn't believe me though, and instead insisted on their ridiculous "selective hearing" explanation.


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