Am I being unreasonable?

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I know this is long, I am sorry. I sectioned out part of it that isn't so important. I just needed to get some of my thoughts out is all, so it can be skipped. Anyway, this is what happened:

I have work at 8 in the morning 5 days a week. I have alarm clocks that I could use to wake me up, but my grandma insists on waking me up herself. I've gotten tired of even setting the alarms because even when I tell her that I'd prefer that she not wake me up, she still does, so there isn't much of a point.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it really bothers me. I just hate when others try to make sure I wake up for things, and then act offended if I didn't jump out of bed right after they woke me, when I never asked them to wake me and even requested that they not do so to begin with. I don't know why, but for some reason I can't be calm when someone wakes me and then waits there, watching me, telling me over and over to get up. It makes me feel extremely aggravated and I want to yell at them to go away. Since I don't want to yell at someone like my grandma for that I simply ask that they do not try to forcibly wake me up.

I explained all that to her, but of course she ignores my request. This morning, same as always, grandma wakes me up. I was particularly tired last night because I was up after 4 am because I was cleaning the inside of all 3 of my grandparents cars (not to complain, I offered to do it in exchange for gas money as my next paycheck is not until tomorrow). Anyway, being more tired then usual, I barely even remember her waking me at all, and she told me she did so 4 times. I kept falling back asleep, as I am usually still mostly asleep at these times and I'm not thinking clearly.

So instead of leaving me when I didn't get up like I respectfully requested multiple times previously, when she came in (apparently for the fifth time) she started getting all irritated at me telling me how disrespectful I was being, at which point I told her to go away, and that I would get up. She didn't believe me that I'd get up and continued watching me and telling me to get up over and over even though I was up with my eyes open. I guess she thinks that I would just choose to sleep in and be late for my job, and wouldn't listen to any explanation from me.

At that point I kept responding to everything she said with, "I can't explain it, you won't listen to me!" In my head I was confused, since I had already told her this was a problem for me and that I would prefer that she wouldn't do this, especially the watching me and telling me to get up repeatedly, so that I wouldn't end up yelling at her when I don't really mean it. I told her that, but she didn't seem to care, and so I didn't know what else to say at that point, and kept repeating that she won't listen to me. Then after some of this back and forth, she said, "It doesn't matter if you have Asperger's!" And I think what I responded with was something like, "I didn't even say that!" meaning I didn't say that I wasn't waking up because I have Asperger's, that has nothing to do with it, not to my knowledge at least. I was surprised, and angry that she said this.
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What she said made me angry, because not only did it imply I was making up excuses, she also said exactly what I knew my grandparents think about me as a result of my diagnosis. They will not accept that the knowledge will help me, they think I'm limiting myself on purpose. When I tell them that's ridiculous and stupid, trying to communicate to them that I would never pretend to have a disorder that I did not have, they just say, "Yes, it is stupid." So now they're calling me stupid too.

And the thing is, they don't know a single thing about Asperger's. I am not good at explaining it verbally, which is what they requested me to do when I first told them what the results from the psychologist said. They didn't even ask in a curious way, it seemed to me that they wanted to question the results and refute the things that I said, so I just didn't say much. I did say there were books and websites I could show them but they weren't interested. They decided they didn't care enough to learn about it. So what in the heck makes her think she can even say something like that, "it doesn't matter," when she doesn't know a single thing about it? They were never curious about it at all, they just wanted to say, "Well good, now you know your problem, so you can fix it!"

I can't be "fixed", I've always known that. I don't want to be "fixed". I want people to stop trying to control me.

It is so frustrating. But anyway, to bring things back to the original subject, is there some rule I'm not seeing here? Like a rule that if someone wakes you up without you asking them to do so, you must thank them on your knees profusely, and falling back asleep is as offensive as murdering their entire family?

When I asked why they seemed to think it was their responsibility to wake me and I had to obey, they didn't even say what I thought they might. I was expecting a guilt trip: "We just don't want you losing your job from being late. We are trying to help." No, I didn't even get that. Instead they told me it was "to preserve their family name."

Wow! Not only do I have the privelege of being called a childish excuse-maker that is also stupid and lazy, now I get to be a disgrace to your family name too, and all I had to do was be late for work? Oh, thank you so much! I couldn't ask for better grandparents than you!
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I just really do not understand their line of thinking at all. I get that she believes she's doing me a favor waking me up for work, but it often leads to me feeling blind rage for some reason, and she won't listen to me about it and just let me be late for work, it's my fault for not getting up. I cannot stand being watched and monitored, I really don't know why. I guess it could be an Aperger's trait or related in some way, but I've never seen that anywhere before so I never thought it was. Anyway, I told her this would happen and that I wanted to avoid it, because I don't do it on purpose. I even tried appealing to their whole idea of "hard work fixes everything" and said that I will learn to be more disciplined if I have to wake up on my own. And still I am ignored.

Now she is telling me that I was mean to her this morning and that she isn't talking to me. Am I supposed to feel bad about it? Because it's not like they have never done anything totally out of line to me, and especially considering that my grandpa never even apologized for grabbing me and ramming me into the closet for no good reason, I don't see why I should feel apologetic. I don't even see what I did wrong. I warned her that I would do this, multiple times. And she didn't listen. So wouldn't that make it her fault?

Am I missing something here? Am I the one who is in the wrong? Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I'm not planning on being here much longer anyway, but it could be up to 4 months from now that I can leave, and I would like to leave on a good note. I also don't want them to kick me out again before then, though I'm starting to think maybe I'll be better off homeless for a few months than having to deal with this.

1) Could you try setting your alarm clock a little bit earlier so you're up and about before your grandmother comes to wake you? This will show them you're capable of rising on time.

2) This may go against the grain after describing your feelings after waking, and you seem to find the idea offensive but could you try saying, "Thanks for waking me" instead of telling your grandmother to go away. You'll be surprised what a bit of politeness can do for the situation. Older people generally place a lot of importance on politeness.

3) As for the Asperger's comment - Your grandparents probably come from the 'grin and bear it generation'. When they were your age they were taught never to complain, work their hardest, uphold the family honour and never make excuses. These values are probably deeply ingrained. Try not to be too upset over it. Older people get set in their ways and it's difficult to change when you've believed a certain thing for a lifetime.

4) Your Grandfather never apologised. Be better than him. Apologise.

I have no idea why I didn't think of that, that could definitely work. I guess part of the problem with alarms though is that often times I will actually turn them off in my sleep and have no recollection of doing so. It's very frustrating, waking up with my alarm clock in my bed with me and turned off, 45 minutes after it went off. I set it on the other side of the room too. I have had a lot of trouble finding an alarm that works for me consistently.



The problem is that I know this would be the better thing to do, and whenever I look back on how angry I was later in the day I wonder why I couldn't have done that to begin with. I just feel so intensely angry, and I don't feel thankful to them at all because in the moment I see them as being overly controlling and condescending, so it's really hard for me to even keep an even tone, let alone thank them. I usually try to just say "ok" and nothing else for that reason. But this morning she was not leaving and was sounding really aggravated at me, and I wanted her to go away so that the whole thing that ended up happening wouldn't have happened.



Yes, that is also how they raised my dad, and how my dad raised me. That's why it kind of makes me angry, that they don't realize how hard it was for me to seek help in the first place. I didn't even start going to counseling for my depression until I left home, because I doubted my parents would be understanding. They would have told me to suck it up, that everyone is sad sometimes.

I am constantly afraid of saying anything that sounds like an excuse, and I have a very hard time asking for help even with little things, I don't want people to think less of me. And yet when I try to explain this to them, they seem to think that I have this attitude of, "I don't need any help because I can do everything on my own," and I'm not saying that at all. Either that, or they think I have the attitude of, "Oh, poor me!" as my grandpa would put it. It's one extreme or the other, they don't ever consider that maybe I am a good person, with good intentions who has legitimate problems, and who could benefit from getting external support as a result.

In conversation about things like this they will readily agree that there are people who have legitimate problems and need help, and that there is nothing wrong with that. But in cases like mine, they for some reason can't believe that someone with my level of intelligence could have difficulties with such basic things. I don't get it, because if I didn't have legitimate problems, why would I take the risk of looking vulnerable and asking for help, and why would I go through all the trouble to pretend I have Asperger's by faking all the symptoms? It just doesn't make sense.



I know that would help, but I don't even know what to apologize for. I really don't feel like I did anything wrong to my grandpa, especially at the time that the incident I was referring to happened. There was nothing I did that warranted a reaction of physical aggression like that, and I feel strange being around him now. I don't feel like I trust him. Same with my uncle, both of them threatened me that day. Both of them are twice my size, and the only thing I was doing that started it was I got frustrated with my grandma for coming into my room and tossing all my stuff on the floor. It was due to a miscommunication, which I realized and tried to calmly tell her, but she was ignoring me and continued moving my things. Then I was picking them up off of the ground, on my hands and knees and looking down at the floor, and that's when my grandpa grabbed me and shoved me into the closet and held me there, and I ended up having a huge meltdown.

As far as the whole thing with my grandma, maybe I'm a bad person, but I really don't feel bad about it, and I don't want to fake an apology. The first time it happened I did apologize and that's when I asked her to please just leave me be if I start getting like that. They don't believe me that it isn't a discipline issue.

I wish I could just go live alone so I won't be making anyone mad anymore, everyone I have ever lived with ended up thinking I was really annoying and ungrateful and all sorts of bad things, it just seems inevitable with me. But my only current options are stay here or sleep in my car. Though to be honest I am considering the car option, because I really feel unwelcome here, like they're only letting me stay because they feel obligated to. They never said that, but that's the impression I get. I might be cold sleeping in my car, but at least I would be able to relax and not be worried about all the little rules and expectations my grandparents are giving me.

I have the flu so I'm too tired to really make a cogent response. I just wanted to say I really relate to this. My aunt went so far as to grab my leg and attempt to forcibly PULL me out of the bed a couple times. Of course this would lead to a meltdown due to the touch and violent nature of it. Anyway, I had the same thing where I told them multiple times that I could get up on my own, that I had alarms, and that I didn't like to be woken up or watched. Of course they didn't listen.

I also relate to having words put in my mouth. It's just them projecting their opinions. Nothing more. I also have a gut feeling that if it turns out I do have Asperger's, as I suspect I do, that my "family" will be just as unaccepting, even though they've insisted for years that I need to figure out what's "wrong" with me.

"Wow! Not only do I have the privilege of being called a childish excuse-maker that is also stupid and lazy, now I get to be a disgrace to your family name too, and all I had to do was be late for work? Oh, thank you so much! I couldn't ask for better grandparents than you!"
- The story of my life. Just replace "grandparents" with aunt and uncle.

"I can't be "fixed", I've always known that. I don't want to be "fixed". I want people to stop trying to control me. " - My feelings exactly.

My advice - Wait it out. It's probably going to be one of the most difficult things you do, and I know how you feel. I waited it out, and the day I turned 18 I moved out to my sister's house, just as I said I would. They claimed I never told anyone I was going to do that, but I remember the exact spot I stood in when I was 17 and I told them. Of course it's entirely up to you whether you wish to wait the four months out, you're 19 and should be treated as an adult who is responsible for your own job and actions, and they are not doing that.

Last edited by IAmTheCatalyst on 02 Oct 2014, 2:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

My son used to do the exact same thing. He ended up buying an alarm clock with little wheels on it. When it goes off it launches and scoots across the room with flashing lights. He used to set it up so it would go under his bed, so he had to get out of the bed and dig around for it to turn it off. He has AS too and the extreme annoyance of the new alarm clock cured him of turning off his old alarm clock very quickly.
If you decide to stay at your grandparents home I would try to keep the peace if you can. I once lived and slept in my car for two and a half months. It has it's disadvantages. Safety for one.
Hope you get it worked out. Keep us posted.

That is really mean. My step dad has pulled me out of bed like that before, it's not fun. When I was living with my dad, a few times he dumped water on me. I seriously wanted to kill him when he did that, I was so angry. I knew I couldn't hit him though, so I just yelled and smacked the cup out of his hand and into the wall, and then he just laughed and walked off.



Yeah, that was the same feeling I had when I started looking into Asperger's. On the one hand, I thought that logically there is no way they wouldn't believe me if I showed them the evidence. But on the other hand, there were SO many times in the past where I had the same thought about some idea I had, there's no way they won't believe me or at least respectfully consider my idea. And I was wrong every single time.

And it's almost funny, because they've all been telling me I have all these problems, and I need to figure out how to do this and that or I'll never be successful, for all my life. My grandpa said to me after only a week of being here, "You have a serious problem." (commenting on my memory and ability to follow verbal instructions) Yet last time I brought it up he completely denied saying it, even though I distinctly remember that moment and that I was kind of surprised by his comment. It's funny because now that the answer is right in front of their face they won't accept it, because accepting it would mean that I wasn't wrong in the past, that there really was some fundamental difference with me that made simple things difficult for me. Accepting it would mean that they owe me an apology for calling me a liar, and telling me I'm lazy and selfish, and constantly making fun of me for being too literal and analytical, and all the other crap they did.



That's interesting, my plan is actually to go to my sister's too. She has a 2 bedroom apartment, which is 2000 miles away unfortunately, and I have to get my car paid off before I can even start preparing to leave, and I still owe like $2300 on it, not to mention the insanely high insurance cost. It's like $250 per month.

I was originally estimating that I could leave in November, but now they cut my hours at work by 8 a week, all of which was overtime pay, so it is going to take me longer now. And to make matters even worse, my current job, besides causing me to be in shutdown mode by the end of every day, is also causing my trigger finger condition in my right hand to get worse, and the doctor said I need to find a different job. So far I've found nothing, and it's very likely that when I do find something I'll have a significant drop in income from less hours and lower wage. It looks like the earliest I can go is January, and that's like best case scenario.

I am so looking forward to when I can finally leave though. It will happen, I will figure out some way to pay this car off as soon as I can and then I will be totally free to go to my sister's.

That is kind of cool actually, do you know what that alarm is called?

And I think I will stay with them for now at least, but if stuff like this keeps happening then I think living in my car may be less stressful for me. I mainly try to keep the peace by avoiding people, that's the same thing I did at my dad's. At some point I realized that they just don't listen to me, so the only solution was to avoid them, and that's pretty much the same conclusion I've reached here.

Yes, yes it is. I remember my aunt squirting me with the water bottle we used for the cats a few times. She also threatened to dump water on me before. I hate it when they laugh, they're smart enough (you would think) to know that it's obvious you have a serious problem, and they just...laugh at it. What do they think they're accomplishing? How does that help us in any way?



Same. Even down to them seemingly forgetting that they have done/said certain things. Is that an NT thing, forgetting specific events and things you've said? I mean, for me it's so simple to remember and picture the exact event as it happened in my head. Either that or they're lying, which is something I'm pretty much incapable of, yet have been accused of constantly.



Well, good luck on it all. As I said on the first thread I posted here, living with my sister isn't perfect, and she gets confused by a lot of my "odd" actions and routines, but it's a million times better than where I was. With them I was having at least one serious meltdown a week, here I've only had a handful of serious ones. I do have a lot of shut downs and smaller ones here, but it's not nearly as bad.

It's called a Clocky. You can buy them on Amazon. You probably won't think it's cool for long! I think my son ended up smashing his.

This is why she is doing it. In case you were wondering. I would probably do the same thing for my kids. Honestly, are there days that you would have just kept sleeping cuddled up with your alarm clock if she hadn't woken you? She probably thinks that she is doig you a favor. I think that if you get an alarm clock that works for you and start getting up consistantly before the grandma alarm, she will stop even if you do it for a month and then set the alarm for 15 minutes later. I think she just needs to see that you aren't going to be late to work.

I didn't read a single post here
I just want to say
being a knight owl isn't a cause for victimisation
and getting up up at 3 am to milk cows doesn't really earn you a reward for heroism

My parents never woke me up, they would let me miss an entire day of school if I slept in, and then punish me later. Part of it is that I'm used to that and I assumed they would do the same thing.

I understand that she is trying to help, it's just the fact that I specifically asked her not to multiple times, and told her it was because I didn't want to have a meltdown and yell at her, and she still ignored me and then gets mad at me for having the exact reaction I kept telling her I would have. If that's really such a big problem for them I don't see why they don't just kick me out again.

I never asked them to let me stay here, or even implied that I wanted to. They gave the offer to my dad. So I assumed that since they offered under no conditions they wouldn't be trying to do things like this. They keep hanging it over my head about how much they've given me, and I'm just thinking, "You are under no obligation to let me stay here, so if I am really that much of a problem then tell me to leave." I don't know why they don't just do that, I don't think I'm wanted here.

Haha, yeah, I probably would break it, so maybe I shouldn't get it

For me thats the reason they insist on waking you up - they know you tend to ignore the alarm clock and they are worried that you won't wake up on time. If I were you I would set a time I must wake up and tell them to wake me up if I don't get up by then. And set alarm clock earlier.
For example if I were going to job on 8AM, I needed 30 mins to get to work(7:30 home leave) and 20 mins minimum to leave the house I would tell them to wake me up at 7:10 if I don't wake up earlier. Then set alarm clock on 6:40, planning to wake up at 6:50 or 7:00 after the alarm clock ticks "nap" once or twice("nap" option is great thing!).

Personally I don't have problems waking up. Well... I do but I have my tricks so it isn't a problem. I use my tablet as alarm clock. It is always on my bedside and it has a "nap" option in it. Thats my basic alarm clock. But thats not everything. I also use my mobile phone as 2nd alarm clock. It stays on the opposite side of room and is set really loud. I hate it ringing.

So I set the alarm clock on my tablet early and use some 10 minutes "naps" when it rings. But I watch the time because I know my mobile phone will ring soon. It is set 3 mins after last possible "nap" (and 7 minutes before I would need "help" with waking up). So when the last "nap" ticks I turn the tablet alarm clock off and go to turn off the mobile phone alarm clock before it even rings. Tada. Noone has to wake me up because I am already up and awake.

About people going into my room and taking me off bed: my dad used to wake me up this way but as a teenager I made it impossible - I installed chain lock(http://garagedoorrepairb.com/wp-content ... 79eitm.jpg) at my room door by myself. He could open the door but he couldn't enter because the chain was holding the door. No more physical wake ups. Only noise.
Now as an adult I installed key locked door in my room so my dad can't even open them. He can only knock.