I am new here... *WARNING* long rant ahead.

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IAmTheCatalyst
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02 Oct 2014, 12:46 pm

Yes, constantly actually. My attempt at an explanation of what was actually going on in my mind was pretty much the same as well. I only have trouble with verbal commands or things that subconsciously just don't stick. If it's something emotional or of interest to me I can remember everything that was said. They also accused me of being a liar, which, as I posted in the topic you started, is something I am nearly incapable of.

Half-truths I can do. As long as what I'm saying is true. Like this morning my niece asked why she couldn't touch my laptop. I told her it was because it's expensive and I don't want her to break it. Really I just don't like people touching my things. However, that was a real reason. It really is expensive, and I really don't want it broken. :)


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L_Holmes
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04 Oct 2014, 1:55 am

I can't really lie either. To most people I will tell half truths like you described, or just be vague and leave out things that I don't feel like explaining. I have lied to my parents before, but the most I've ever done is slightly modify a story from it's original. I feel justified in doing it because I think their reactions to little things are often way over the top, so I think it's best to make everything sound boring so they leave me alone about it :)

Did you ever say anything to your aunt and uncle about Asperger's specifically? I tried telling my dad about it, just saying like it is something I might want to look into, and he basically told me it doesn't matter, and that I'm being "too intellectual". My older brother said pretty much the same thing, and said it looked like I was asking for sympathy (even though I specifically said that is not why I was telling him). Even my therapist told me I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that someone with Asperger's can solve those difficulties in the same way that a normal person can solve similar difficulties (like social problems). I was so frustrated that I wasn't even able to explain how that is not true at all, even though I knew that was totally false, and I ended up leaving with a huge headache from trying to not get mad at her. She isn't my therapist anymore.

So I changed my mind about telling my dad's side of the family, even if and when I get the *official* diagnosis. The last psychologist I saw told me after one appointment he was 100% sure I have it, so I guess it's pretty likely I do (even though I keep going back and forth, if I find one little thing that makes me think I might not have it, I have to go through all the evidence from my whole life in order to re-convince myself of it :roll: )

They seem to think that I'm somehow limiting myself by learning about it, which I told them makes no sense, but they don't listen. I was hoping they'd at least be a bit curious about Asperger's, but I guess I never should have expected that from them. I'm glad my mom at least listens, and my sister and little brother believe me too (though they are still kind of weirded out by me :P )


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IAmTheCatalyst
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04 Oct 2014, 4:09 am

Very rarely I can manage to modify a story, it's very difficult for me and I often get details wrong if I try.

No, I never mentioned it. They always just called me "psychotic" and yelled at me. The getting called "psychotic" was due to my meltdowns, shutdowns, and odd preferences and routines. I actually didn't know much about Asperger's at the time, except that my younger cousin might have it. The only thing I'd heard about it was that you had to have a high intelligence, and I've been called an "idiot" and "stupid" my whole life, so it never even crossed my mind as a possibility, that is until recently when I looked into it. I had just assumed I had some strange form of ADHD or social anxiety, and I say strange form because I didn't match 95% of the symptoms and wasn't sure about how to explain my feelings and experiences to my psychologist. Now I realize I can write it down, and that's what I'm going to do when I go to the doctor later this month.

I've been talking to my sister about it a lot. She suggested that I just have social anxiety. I'll admit I got a bit p*ssed, considering I've told her I'm positive that isn't it. I went to all of the symptom pages I could find and went down them with her saying "Crippling fear of social interaction? Nope. Fear that people are watching you and judging you in social situations? Nope." etc. etc. I didn't realize I was ranting and getting annoying and she finally yelled "Okay, I get it!" :roll:

I don't really care what the rest of my "family" thinks, as most of them have disowned me because I moved out at 18 (crazy, right? Most parents would love their children to move out at 18.). My cousins haven't, although many months ago I was banned from speaking to my two younger cousins ( One is 8...or is it 9 now? The other is almost 17 now I believe, and one of my best friends in the world. The youngest is the one they think may be an aspie.) as part of the disownment. I do hope to speak to them sometime and let them know I care and that it was not my choice to cut off contact with them.


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L_Holmes
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04 Oct 2014, 6:19 am

That's messed up that they'd call you psychotic. I never got called that, though I did get called stupid, lazy, annoying, selfish, tons of stuff like that. They always told me I was messing up the home, like my behaviors were somehow going to create total anarchy. If I had a meltdown, rather than leaving me alone like I wanted, they would command me to calm down, and try to force me to do things and exercise "self-control". Every time that just made it worse, but they continued on doing it because they had this stupid idea that since I am a child I am always wrong, and I must do exactly as they say. They would always cite the Bible, "Honor thy father and thy mother...", and try to make me feel bad, like I was committing a sin for not listening when they told me to calm down. They would threaten to send me back to my mom's all the time, and the only reason I didn't go back is because my step dad was even worse.

At some point around 17 I started to think I was seriously defective in some way that had no description or solution. I always knew I felt off from everyone else, but it didn't seem as big of a deal until then. No matter how hard I tried everyone thought I was lazy and annoying, some people at school even thought I was literally insane. A girl said she thought I am easily the kind of person who would be a serial killer. I tried explaining myself to therapists or others whom I thought would listen, but they all treated me like I'm just naive and don't understand the things they do. I've noticed that's a common thing, I describe a situation to someone, and rather than just considering it or collecting more information, they just say all condescendingly, "Ok, did you even think of this?" Actually, yes, yes I freaking did.

In some ways I'd almost rather my family disown me, because even though they were so ready to send me off to college (which I was in no way ready for, they even admitted that they knew that when I left) now they act like they are so concerned and want what's best for me. It makes me feel really uncomfortable, because they aren't actually doing a thing for me, they are just giving me all sorts of unwarranted advice. In a roundabout way they are still calling me stupid and lazy by assuming that their advice is the perfect solution to all the problems I've been having, like it is just that simple.

I'm sure they will disapprove of me going to my sister's though, and they may break off communication at that point. They hate my mom, which they don't even try to hide. They actually seem to think I should hate her too, even though she has been a way better parent than them. My dad thinks that all these "lazy" and "selfish" behaviors I have are a direct result of my mom raising me. Even though just as a little baby and a toddler my mom could tell I was very different from my siblings, who were also raised by her. She said I was totally emotionless, other than when I would have meltdowns, and I rarely spoke. I never made eye contact, I would get totally absorbed in my activities, I never made friends on my own, and on and on. But they choose to ignore all those facts, and settle on their silly and selfish ideas instead.


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L_Holmes
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04 Oct 2014, 7:05 pm

Sorry, I probably shouldn't be ranting on your introduction thread :oops: it's just a bit of an odd feeling, I've never met or talked to someone who related to so many of my experiences, not even here.


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IAmTheCatalyst
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05 Oct 2014, 4:11 am

Yeah. I relate to everything you said. You can pm me if you like. I'm just not replying to all of that because I don't have the capacity right now. I've had an EXTREMLY stressful day today. Some events occurred the last few hours that made me have quite a meltdown. I literally could not calm down. I ended up getting sick. Now I know where the phrase "worrying yourself sick" comes from. haha. :?


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BeggingTurtle
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11 Oct 2014, 7:20 am

Why? What happened?


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BeggingTurtle
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11 Oct 2014, 7:51 am

Why? What happened?


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IAmTheCatalyst
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18 Oct 2014, 8:18 pm

As a fair update on this topic, I'd like to add that I am no longer "disowned". Apparently it was all a big misunderstanding. I'm still not allowed to speak to my cousins at the moment, but my sister informed me that my uncle has been waiting for me to contact him. Based on the response they had the day I moved out, I assumed that they would contact me when they were ready to speak to me again. I guess this was yet another social blunder of mine. With that said, my uncle seems happy that I am "getting help", and agrees that something such as an ASD could be the cause of my issues.


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Officially DXed: ASD. Un DXed: EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified).