"Typical" relationship is too difficult.

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dilanger
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16 Oct 2014, 6:49 am

I broke up with my AS girl friend 4 months ago because she wanted constant attention. I had not time to myself to work out, learn music or fix vehicles. We lived together.

NOW

We started talking again, we live separately and having a great time learning guitar together on the weekends and chatting with each other during the week. She currently has a boy friend ...I do not see that lasting long when she spends the weekends and some week days with me.

Lesson: You do not have to live with them to love them. Space and me time is important....sex and affection is important too. Balance is essential.



IAmTheCatalyst
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16 Oct 2014, 1:02 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Go FWB.


Or even just Friend.

My closest friend, that I sometimes see very frequently & other times not for weeks/months, is also on the spectrum. We share a number of common interests and can hang out an talk about them/partake in them for hours on end. I truly thoroughly enjoy spending time with him, but we don't have a relationship relationship. While I do still have a bit of a crush on him, he doesn't have those sort of feelings for me, and so we just have our friendship.. but what a friendship! It's awesome having a similarly quirky friend with mutual interests. I'd rather hang out and have a smoke with him and chat about life or various interests than get laid - and I have literally turned down sex multiple times w/ FWB's over the years just to hang out with him. My point is you don't necessarily need to find romance with someone similar to yourself as you can get a whole lot of awesome benefits from just having a friend like that that you click with like no one else.

So, yeah.. be open to finding a romantic partner for sure, but also be open to just letting an amazing friend into your life - you might even like it better. There's no "relationship" pressures to contact each other all the time or spend time together all the time etc. Sometimes we're both free and into hanging out with each other daily, other times one or both of us is busy due to different work/school/life schedules and we don't see each other for weeks or months. There was also a time where I was in a terrible frame of mind and avoided him so as not to burden him with me and my problems at the time.. while he simultaneously avoided me for the same reasons at that time. Ups and downs like most any good long term friendship, and no expectations that we have to keep in daily or weekly contact or anything of the sort.. just the ability to click & enjoy each others company whenever we cross paths. Maybe you'll happen across someone that you click with as friends like that easier than you'll find someone that you click with like that AND have a mutual romantic attraction. So, just be open to the possibility of that, too, vs. only looking for a boyfriend. Had I only been looking for a boyfriend and not a friend if we weren't mutually attracted to one another, then I wouldn't have him as the friend he is in my life and that wouldn't be very awesome at all.


Woah, this topic really blew up overnight. :lol: Well, that's what I've considered. Finding another person like me, perhaps on the spectrum, and if it becomes something more than that, great. If not, it won't really bother me that much. Sex is not a necessity to me, it's just nice to be that close to someone every now and then. I think it's interesting that some people on the spectrum actually sound more "clingy", like the girl dilanger mentioned, while some would rather be more alone. Being around someone 2-3 times a week, like Cafeaulait said sounds reasonable to me.


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IAmTheCatalyst
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16 Oct 2014, 1:36 pm

Dantac wrote:
I've found over the years that while a topic one has interest in will keep you more 'into' having a long conversation... it is not really the reason why I can have longer than 15 minute conversations with someone. The real reason is the topic selections not changing at random or spinning off into wild direction... staying 'on the general subject of the initial conversation' is the best way I'd put it. NT's seem to have this... psychotic compulsion... to change subjects without warning, reason or rhyme. How does a conversation change from discussing the middle east to the mating habits of the blue whale? Then to a reality tv show?

If the conversation stays on the general subject at the very least the 15 minutes can stretch to an hour or two but even stretching that far is mentally draining. The more emotional/social content the subject has the faster it tires me.

"The area dividing the brain and the soul is affected in many ways by experience.

Some lose all mind and become soul:
Insane.

Some lose all soul and become mind:
Intellectual.

Some lose both and become:
Accepted."


-Charles Bukowski, Lifedance


Nice quote. Yes, I understand what you are saying. I was trying to tell my sister the "Lavender Town Syndrome" myth last night, which she had asked me to tell her since she had no idea what I was talking about, and then I realized she had started an entirely different topic with the other person who was there. Then she looked back at me looking like she was wondering why I stopped. I had to restart the entire story. :?

If it is something I enjoy I can talk forever. People actually have trouble shutting me up sometimes when I'm talking about something important to me.


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BeggingTurtle
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16 Oct 2014, 8:00 pm

That's strange because normally when I crave for personal attention.


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Dantac
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16 Oct 2014, 10:03 pm

IAmTheCatalyst wrote:
Woah, this topic really blew up overnight. :lol: Well, that's what I've considered. Finding another person like me, perhaps on the spectrum, and if it becomes something more than that, great. If not, it won't really bother me that much. Sex is not a necessity to me, it's just nice to be that close to someone every now and then. I think it's interesting that some people on the spectrum actually sound more "clingy", like the girl dilanger mentioned, while some would rather be more alone. Being around someone 2-3 times a week, like Cafeaulait said sounds reasonable to me.


I've been on this same plan for some time now but sadly the reality of it is that unless that other person happens to live in your city or very near it... it just can't be. Finding someone that is willing to move in to where you live or who won't mind if you move to where they live to give it a try is like finding a needle in a haystack. Like you, sex is not 'a need' per say; I see it as a special moment that should be shared when there is meaning to it... not just 'hey we both horny lets see who passes out first' type of merely physical satisfaction thing. When dating I do think that seeing each other twice or three times a week is more than enough. If things get more serious like up to the point of living together then even then I'd say it would be wonderful if each one gives the other personal time alone (or at least not interrupting or demanding the attention of).

IAmTheCatalyst wrote:
Nice quote. Yes, I understand what you are saying. I was trying to tell my sister the "Lavender Town Syndrome" myth last night, which she had asked me to tell her since she had no idea what I was talking about, and then I realized she had started an entirely different topic with the other person who was there. Then she looked back at me looking like she was wondering why I stopped. I had to restart the entire story.

If it is something I enjoy I can talk forever. People actually have trouble shutting me up sometimes when I'm talking about something important to me.


I thought the quote was fitting :) . I agree that if its a subject you like you can talk for a long time....and YES! Its hard to to notice when people don't want to continue the topic at hand. My 'thing' is anthropology/archaeology & particularly evolutionary anthropology... and I know and acknowledge that I stretch out the topic a lot because first I need to give the listener the background information I know they don't have in order for them to understand/grasp what I wanted to share with them in the first place. But before I can even give them the background info their attention span switches off. Its difficult to compress things into NT-digestible sound bytes /sigh.



IAmTheCatalyst
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18 Oct 2014, 7:09 pm

Dantac wrote:

I've been on this same plan for some time now but sadly the reality of it is that unless that other person happens to live in your city or very near it... it just can't be. Finding someone that is willing to move in to where you live or who won't mind if you move to where they live to give it a try is like finding a needle in a haystack. Like you, sex is not 'a need' per say; I see it as a special moment that should be shared when there is meaning to it... not just 'hey we both horny lets see who passes out first' type of merely physical satisfaction thing. When dating I do think that seeing each other twice or three times a week is more than enough. If things get more serious like up to the point of living together then even then I'd say it would be wonderful if each one gives the other personal time alone (or at least not interrupting or demanding the attention of).

I'm a bit late replying. Yes to all of this. I don't mind waiting. I'd rather wait and work on my own personal endeavors in the meantime than be disappointed multiple times with situations I know won't work. I'm sure I will still be disappointed, just to a lesser degree. If I'm not expecting to ever find anyone, then how can I be sad when I don't?

Dantac wrote:
I thought the quote was fitting :) . I agree that if its a subject you like you can talk for a long time....and YES! Its hard to to notice when people don't want to continue the topic at hand. My 'thing' is anthropology/archaeology & particularly evolutionary anthropology... and I know and acknowledge that I stretch out the topic a lot because first I need to give the listener the background information I know they don't have in order for them to understand/grasp what I wanted to share with them in the first place. But before I can even give them the background info their attention span switches off. Its difficult to compress things into NT-digestible sound bytes /sigh.


Ahh, "NT sound bytes", I know what you mean. Happens to me 24/7. Some people even stop me mid-sentence to explain words to them, then get bored when I try to continue. :lol:


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sly279
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18 Oct 2014, 8:18 pm

IAmTheCatalyst wrote:

Woah, this topic really blew up overnight. :lol: Well, that's what I've considered. Finding another person like me, perhaps on the spectrum, and if it becomes something more than that, great. If not, it won't really bother me that much. Sex is not a necessity to me, it's just nice to be that close to someone every now and then. I think it's interesting that some people on the spectrum actually sound more "clingy", like the girl dilanger mentioned, while some would rather be more alone. Being around someone 2-3 times a week, like Cafeaulait said sounds reasonable to me.


I fall more in the side of the spectrum that is leaned more towards clingy. I love being around people 90% of the time if I had a gf.
I still like to do my own things. I spent a week with a girl and we were together pretty much all the time. I didn't get to do any of my usuall things. I couldn't stand doing that. so I suppose I'm not super clingy. however 2-3 times a week wouldn't be enough or me. i think i would idealy talk to or see them daily but still be able to do our own things. like we could cuddle together and be doing our own things on computers or tablets. my balance is long to explain. I just hope if i able to find a gf that she will blend with it. I was also once interested in a girl who could go weeks to a month without talking to me and it was horrible.