Raw beginner at 43 now

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*deep breath* Here we go...

If i were to start dating or anything I don't have a clue how to even start. I'm currently housebound with cellulitis - so this is for once that is healed up and I'm out there.

I am 43, always been single, chaste Baptist Christian, still a virgin. Always the brother, never the boyfriend.
Diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome in 1987 - one of the first to be diagnosed here in the UK, as Hans Asperger's paperwork was only translated from the original German in 1985. The team that diagnosed me may remind you of some names - Michael Rutter, Uta Frith, Isabel Hainault, Lorna Wing etc etc...

I spent the 90s as a research subject for all the studies that have led to better early support for today's Aspies. Head in MRI and FPET scanners, didd all those batteries of tests they now use to run all the early-intervention stuff that happens now...

Due to the autism, my libido didn't boot up until about 18-19, only fully up and running at age 26.

I was the victim of low-level sexual abuse by female peers at chronological ages 13-18 - as I was functionally presexual at the time, the effect was as if I was 8 at the time. Completely derailed my sexual development. Caused me to massively gain weight due to traumatic eating cycle set up - I am currently 42 stone. Add in the AIDS scare that was running at full strength (remember the John Hurt iceberg ads etc?), this probably cued in with my natural Aspie nature as "prey species" to quote Temple Grandin.

The weight is slowly coming down..

I'd like to know - is there any hope for me even starting out? Or am i fundamentally broken from the abuse?


I'd like to maybe have the opportunity to experience all the areas like a good relationship, good sex etc that I see younger Aspies experiencing... would be a shame if, like an ASD Moses, I walked point for them - and then die without experiencing any of what I enabled for others for myself. Trailblazing is lonely work.

I plan to link back in with psychosexual therapy to deal with that perfect storm block that seems to be the root.. the cognitive dissonance set up in 1984 by abuse, Dworkin et al screaming at me that although I was a victim I was a "rapist", AND the AIDS scare running full steam.

One possible lead would be ICASA - psychosexual and sexual-surrogate therapy...

But if I did go out there - I wouldn't even know where to start. And with me possibly pushing 50 once the weight comes off, gastric surgery, surgery to lose the excess skin, psychosexual therapy... is it feasible? Or would ti be the case of resort to the sex industry - maybe through the TLC Trust or similar?

I feel so sorry for you.

*sigh* Yeah- I shut down for 30 years after the abuse...

Anything is possible.

Obviously you're someone who's willing to blaze trails & do what's necessary to learn about & better yourself.

So, set your mind to personal improvement & development and bit by bit you'll bet better and better prepared to step into the dating world whenever you're ready. Exercise, eat healthily, learn, change, grow, improve etc rinse & repeat.

You'll never know until you try.

As for ASD r&d/trailblazing - I've done a bit of my own over the past couple years. Have a read through the thread in my sig & feel free to pm if you'd care to comment.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Well I would strongly advise you to stay away from the "sex industry" it is a breeding ground for all manner of ills. I would advise you to try to work on getting out of the house, if you can think of a pastime where both men and women do it, then join a club or group that do that pastime.

My view is that if you go out looking for a woman / sex then women will see it a mile off and avoid you. But if you relax and be friendly then it is possible you might meet a nice young lady who then might become your girl friend. The trick is not to try too hard.

Also take stock of what skills and abilitys you have, then choose a pastime to match these.

Also what is your educational background, have you been to university. At a university you tend to find plenty of clubs. I worked for years in the university sector, some times I would join a club to get access to some sport or other pastime.

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Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.

well, i can tell you that you are not hopelessly broken:


i would advise you to go slowly, but it is not too late to try.

If it makes you feel better, my friend Frank is 53 and he's never had a girlfriend. He claims he could have been married years ago, but he just did not have an interest in women (whom he regularly claims are just money grabbers). Instead, he bought rare records and still does to this day.

Find things you enjoy doing and try to meet singles that way. Easier said than done. I don't really know any other ways myself, other than putting yourself on the odd dating site, although there aren't a great deal I can recommend. I've never had success with them. I only met my first GF through a shop I was in, but she was just wanting to use me.

I think dating fellow autistic people could help as you know how NT can often not understand us at all, without training. :P

Where there is life, there is hope. This is reduced from: While the patient still lives, the physicians may yet hope.--Cicero to Atticus in connection with the life-threatening disease of one of their dear friends.
Cherish hope. Keep hope. Hope is the last thing to go.
I had a dear friend who was an elephant, and he was so heavy that when he walked, the ice at both the north and south poles would crack, even though he lived at the equator. He went into hospital and had that stomach-intestine surgery. Now he is a hummingbird.

I think you can do it.

I know you can do it. I have a friend who just got married for the first time at 45 (she was a virgin), and another friend who just got married at 44. Healing takes a lot of work, and I would suggest that healing needs to be your focus rather than dating for right now.

Also, I agree that using a sex surrogate to heal the emotional wounds caused by abuse might not be the best thing. It would continue to separate sex from intimacy, which would move you in the wrong direction. Instead, focus on healing and loving your body, and follow the PP suggestion of just learning how to have normal relationships that have the opportunity to bloom into love. If you are concerned about continuing to be "always the brother", then go to some of your female friends and ask THEM what made them rule you out as a dating prospect, and perhaps they, as good friends, can steer you in a direction that opens you up to new styles of relationship.

Why do you feel you have always been single OP? Do you think it is really Asperger's or something else? Never tried hard enough? What other factors?

something else must be holding you back that you are not trying to overcome

just asking because I don't want to still be single at your age, sorry and no offense