My Dad Died

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He passed away this last weekend. II found out last night. We weren't close. He was almost non-existent in my life growing up. And, for most of my life he wasn't interested or motivated enough to be a part of my life. I idolized him when I was little. I despised him from pre teen to young adult. And, I forgave him & tried to reestablish contact. He was only interested in me until he reestablished connection with my brother a little later. After that I could never get a hold of him & he would never call me back if I left him a voice mail.

So now he's dead & I don't know why I'm writing this. He was verbally & sometimes physically abusive when he was around me when I was a child. And he basically dumped me as an adult.

I thought I was handling this news okay until I read his obit page & saw all the nice comments about him & the sympathy for my brother.

I guess I just feel like a f.--- up right now. He was so great, but I guess I just wasn't worth his time. It would be bad if I had never know him. But, he knew me & still had no real interest. Great guy that he was to everyone else he knew.

Okay, I know this is turning into a rambling rant. So I'll shut up soon. I just didn't know what I felt last night when I got the news, and now I don't know why I'm crying.

I'm sorry about your dad -- sorry he died and sorry he hurt you.

I am so sorry that he didn't treat you better than this. Your post is so sad and it moved me when you described reading how everyone thought he was a great guy, but he really was not that person to you. That has to really sting. I feel very badly for you. I don't even know you personally except on this site, yet I feel so sorry about his neglect of you -- almost more badly about that, than about his passing, although both are heavy stuff, don't get me wrong.

I hope you can get through the complicated feelings you must be having now. It's a lot to feel and to process. Take really good care of yourself in any way you are able to. Try to eat and sleep and be gentle with yourself. Take it easy and take your time with whatever you have to think about all this.

You might be crying for last opportunities and/or loneliness. maybe

Please remember, it's common for people to say nice things about a person who has just died, even if the person is not very nice at all. I mean, the guy can't even return a phone call to his daughter!? I mean, what a lout and what a bum.

Maybe practice or write what you might say if someone says to you face-to-face or over the phone what a great guy he was. I think you would be well within your rights to say something like, he had a mean edge and he generally avoided me as an adult. That might lead to an 'oh' or awkward silence on their part. And that's not necessarily a bad thing because it might lead to a teachable moment, or it might not. It's hard to tell. It's an awkward situation all the way around.

By the way, I think your post is right in the range of a perfect length. : ) Please keep using us at WrongPlanet as a resource

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. They mean a lot to me. I appreciate your good advice, AardvarkGoodSwimmer. And, animalcrackers & BirdInFlight, your comments really helped me feel understood. If that makes sense.

I'm doing a little better, and I've stopped beating myself up for now. (I tend to be good at doing that.) I'm thankful for your positive replies.

We're sorry about your loss and the way he treated you.



Sweet Pea hugs

Thank you, CockneyRebel

The person he showed to others and the person he really was, was different. You may be one of the only to know. Your not wrong, you don't have this incorrect, overall he really was a crappy father to you. I know it doesn't help, but there are many such as him.

As he is no longer in the picture, it can for the most part now be forgotten. It is just the passing of another very flawed human being. Don't take any blame on yourself and lengthen the oppression. He can't hurt your feelings any more.

I'm sorry that your dad died and he treated you like that...please take care of yourself. *hugs*

I am sorry to hear that me and my dad haven't been that close either due to the fact hes sort of a work a holic but we keep in touch and have been closer now ive grown up and made him proud. I haven't lost my dad yet but i know he doesn't have that many years much longer to live and my mother will die soon as cancer is catching up to her its really hard losing a member of the family it was bad enough losing my last grandma so I totally know where your coming from.

It is our culture in North America to saint the dead. I think ?toy soldier? puts it quite eloquently and I could do no better than re-iterate his remarks. You?re not wrong and it?s not your fault how you were treated. Take your time to grieve even bad parents require a degree of time to get over.

sillyputty, I'm glad we were able to help, if only a little.

What everyone else said.

I get the impression that it's actually HARDER when the relationship wasn't a good one.

Yes, in this culture it is common to saint the dead. I don't know why-- I guess it makes some among the living feel better.

Just hang in there. Even though he treated you like crap, it's still OK to cry. Or to feel how-the-hell-ever you feel.

**hugs**

AspieOtaku, my condolences on the loss of your last grandmother. And I'm sorry to hear that cancer is catching up to your mother. I wish you and your family all the best in the time she has left.

AspieOtaku, I am also sorry for the loss of your grandma & your mother's illness.

I am usually so isolated that it is easy to fall into thinking that there must be something wrong with me. My mom & brother also treat me like a pariah. The therapist who diagnosed me seemed to think this might be because they had trouble accepting that I was not neurotypical. I don't know about that. But, it is very encouraging to hear from so many that my dad's neglect wasn't my fault.