Your capacity for self deceit/delusion

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So what is your capacity for self delusion? Do you often find that you're able to ignore reality even when its facing you down? Are you able to bury your head in the sand or hide from the truth despite knowing unconsciously/preconsciously that you are doing so?

Or are you incapable of deceiving yourself?

My capacity depends on my need.
I see what I choose to see.
Or try to anyway...

All of us are nothing but an accumulation of what we've done and learned throughout our lifetimes.

I have a difficult time explaining how a NT child grows up knowing what he/she does;
no experience I guess.

But I do know a child growing up unable to learn society's traits naturally will try to fill in
the blanks with anything available in order to survive. These "home-made" beliefs may
or may not be close to what NTs (or NTs in your area) think.

After many years of practice I can fake fairly well, unless the time frame is protracted; then,
eventually, I'll make some kind of faux pa (spelling?).

A simple example would be when my younger companions/dirt lot baseball companions
went on to Little League and clumsy me stayed behind. I didn't know how clumsy I was.
I didn't know (until evaluation) why this happened, but always thought I was an equal.
Now I know the reason. And I know the reason for other physical activity related incidents
in my life as well.

The above is true throughout my social life also. I'm now looking back and making corrections
the best I can (mental corrections that is).

And now I know why I was the only one ripping the paper with his straight pen while we were being taught to write.

I have a real problem with the burying my head in the sand issue. I will ignore realities signals until things reach crisis stage.

Having been diagnosed as a middle aged adult, I now know that I have a tremendous capacity for self delusion, I thought that there was nothing really wrong with me, that I just had to find the right situations. I thought my success was always being derailed by circumstances, some out of my control, some my fault.

Through all this I have kept believing I was a normal, above average guy who just had odd interests, was quiet, and wasn't motivated by the same things that other people were.

I guess the last statement is all still true, except the normal part.

My self delusions can run both ways. Most of the time I vastly underestimate my abilities, I think everybody has a huge advantage over me, or that their is no way I can get out of a situation. When the worst repeatedly does not happen I get cocky, feeling that some way some how I will find a way out. Invariably when the latter happens I get slapped down hard.

I can't say I have ever felt "normal" . In my 20's I was functional/successful. Which was quite a change from my childhood and teen years. I had a job I liked. I was getting raises every six months. I was not "passing", I truly fit in with my co-workers. I figured I had outgrown and had worked past my earlier nightmare. All I had to do was keep up the hard work. Looking back all was not well, still living at home and never had had a relationship. I had the money to do both so why did those things not happen? Yes I went out to bars and clubs etc but with the exception of some friday nights with my co workers I went out and came home alone.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 13 Oct 2014, 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I doubt you could get much consensus on what "normal" is. Can you look back at your life (especially knowing what you do now) and say with conviction: "I guess I did pretty well despite my (fill in the blank)? What more can anyone say? You sound very successful to me and, I'd imagine, everyone else.

Zenden, I cannot look back and say I guess I did pretty well. In terms of any impairment I may have, and my less than supportive upbringing, I just don't know whether that stuff is relevant, I struggle with the whole introspection gig. I have been employed all my life, but there has been no real advancement. I own a house but it's an old wreck that I 'll never have the time or money to make truly habitable. I have old interests, mainly sports, that I was never able to take to the levels that I had hoped to, now most are just things I used to do, or like to do from time to time.


And to top it off, sometimes I just don't care. I walk past the same unfinished projects day after day and think "maybe this weekend, I'll get to that", I get a short lived lift of optimism and inspiration, then the rush of daily life takes over.


I am where I'm at in life because I used to be able to focus on work projects to the exclusion of most other things, because I felt it was absolutely vital for my survival. I don't have that kind of energy anymore. I work at something for 30-60 minutes, then I need a break and may not get back on track for an hour. I'm still good at what I do, but I'm slow, and I have great difficulty communicating with the other people on my project team. I'm lucky they give me a lot of slack.

Yet somehow I pull stuff off, but the mental and physical toll is hard, I have to shut down a lot of non-work life, I have to stick to a boring routine and my family and social life suffer.

There have been so many things that I gave up on too early, opportunities I let pass, things I quit because things were getting hard, like having to self promote. But I've been able to pull off what's necessary to fulfill the minimum requirements.

I know it's part of getting older, becoming an adult (something I've delayed as long as possible) but I know people who seem to perform at consistently high levels year after year, while I might have a good year, then two or three will pass and I feel I'm starting over. I've had friends from the past say "Jeeze, G, you used to be so good at (blank), what happened?"

Sorry about the rant, I don't even remember what the original topic is, so I hope it's somewhat related. I've just finished a Surly Cynic ale and kind of let go. Now it's time for bed.

Hi grbiker. You don't mention exactly what you work at but it sounds complicated and demanding.

At one point I was doing a (mostly) online machinery sales job. When the company closed I looked
about for something similar. But in my searching I found most companies didn't have the flexibility
I depended on in my other job. After a lot of job reviews and soul searching I decided to switch to
a "support" role (and lower monetary renumeration) in Technical Customer Service (telephone
based) and stayed, successfully, till I retired. I feel I was "successful."

You also didn't mention who you would like to become. When I was a kid I found I could not speak
or look like others no matter how hard I practiced so I decided I didn't need to try this any more and.
essentially, decided to accept myself even without facial mobility. Do you think you may have pushed
yourself too far?

Getting back to the OP, (regarding the last line in my post) about one's capacity for self delusion.

Yes, I pushed myself too far. I have a lot of natural talents, they've even been called gifts, but I've lacked the ability to really apply them in ways that are meaningful and fulfilling for myself, even though I feel like I've dedicated my life to it, and kept up the belief that "success" was just around the corner. You can only chase after your dreams for so long.

Who I would like to become has been proven to be unobtainable for me, due to a voluminous capacity for self delusion. That sort of thinking has been shoved aside for 4 years as I've tried to sort out what is wrong with me. I have to come back to the idea that thinking about what I would like to become is not a dangerous path full of pitfalls, because I've spent most of my life thinking I could become someone that I'm simply not, and it has been difficult. I was never really aware that I wasn't like other people, not sure why. Maybe deep down I just couldn't accept it or didn't think it was possible or relevant.

So now that I've got a good idea of what my strengths and weaknesses are, am getting effective help from therapy and medication I feel I can start to re-evaluate and start to work towards something I've never allowed myself to seek, happiness and accepting myself for who I am. I have a big mess to clean up, but I am in the process.

Thanks for the reply, and congratulations on successfully retiring! That's great.

I would so much like to know the answer to that, but I don´t.
It is the eternal question, and I am not sure about the truth in anything - least of all, who I am. When am I acting, being delusional, or at least stressing certain sides to appear to be the person, I want to be? - or when do I see solutions in the light of what I would want reality to be?
Sometimes I just have to live my life as if I knew.