scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

-2

-2. Not progressing like I feel I should, and feeling a bit obsessive to compensate I think. Am getting a push to socialize more again, but I feel so drained already.

meow

lets say -5

last night was rough, clean up this morning was worse

+3 I had an interview which went okay. Played in a concert at UIC last night, was fun, but I don'e really have any time or money for it so I guess I will stop that.

-4

-6 worried about stds again.

-8

Second week in a row where I melted down at work. Sometimes, I question whether or not I deserve happiness in life.

-7

0
Neutral. Maybe actually -1 because of last night's happenings.

-7. I can't take it anymore. I'm at insanity's door at this point.

-10

I am extremely upset and f*****g angry at IGN right now. I made one comment regarding diversity in their editors and they all gang up on me on twitter. It's like, hey, let's all point and laugh at the person with autism. It's to the point where I wish physical harm on them right now.

I fail at everything and life, should really just kill myself probably.

^^^^^^

Yeah, I get that feeling.

No matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be me.

No matter how fast I run, I'm always going to be a pace behind and out of step.

No matter how well I do, it's never going to be the same.

No matter what I do, IT will always be there, waiting for me to let my guard down.

Even if I should somehow beat IT, the stigma will follow me FOREVER.

I want to be bright, and shiny, and gossipy, and giggly, and mascara-y, and NORMAL. I can fake all those things...

...but they are only a fake, a hollow shell, that is fabricated and maintained at enormous cost and that gives me absolutely nothing other than the security of knowing that I appear perfectly normal and am probably not being judged.

I am SO TIRED. I know I am supposed to fight this, that these are the black, self-hating thoughts that I'm not supposed to allow to dictate my life, but-- f**k it. If you have to fight to keep from believing something, day after day, all your life, it might just be that it's because IT'S TRUE.

0. Bummed out tonight. I was offered an ideal schedule, but had to turn it down with my husband's job still shaky. My ear's been bothering me for almost a week, so I might have to squeak in a doctor's appointment beside the two other ones next week. I can't tell if a friend wants to cut ties or stay in touch, and feeling confused drives me crazy. I'm not saving as much money as I had projected. The cat fighting at work is just insane lately. Just generally run down lately and want to hit pause button on life.

Grumbling over. Time for bed.

-4