Personal Development to Offset Social Skills

Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 

Stargazer43
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Nov 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,604

27 Oct 2014, 6:03 am

This is a question mostly around dating, but also with respect to socializing in general. Does anyone else try to improve other aspects of their life or accumulate "things" to make up for their difficulties with social skills or romance? If so, did it work for you?

Over the past several years, I have been focused on improving many aspects of my life. I made several sacrifices to pursue a new career path, which has since proved to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've taken up an instrument, become a photographer, started to get really into the outdoors and exercise, and even started writing and had some poetry published. I truly enjoy doing all of these things, but when I think about it, my personal enjoyment is really only a portion of why I've pursued all of these things.

A major part of the reason I took up these activities (and continue them) is to try and make my life more interesting to any potential romantic prospects. On one hand it works - I seem to have no problem generating initial interest nowadays, and I am definitely able to hold an interesting conversation or two. But I find that once people get to know me beyond my job and my hobbies, all of that stuff just doesn't seem to matter anymore. But I guess that since it is a definable goal that I can work towards, or which I have no real other, I continue to try to develop these hobbies and such in the hopes that if I am good enough at all of them, people will be more apt to overlook any social difficulties I may have.



nerdygirl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,645
Location: In the land of abstractions and ideas.

27 Oct 2014, 8:15 am

I think, over time, developing personal interests will expand your social circle and may help to lead you to the right person who shares some interests with you.

Being in a group of people with whom you share interests will not guarantee that you will find a romantic partner. But not being in a group of people with whom you share interests will just about guarantee that you won't.

A lot of this is about networking. You might have to meet a large number of people before finding a special someone you really click with. But the network is needed in order to have people to sift through.

Plus, interacting with all these people will help you to improve your social skills.

I'm a musician, but I don't click with all other musicians. What is it that makes people connect? This, I do not know. It is a mystery that everyone just calls chemistry. One has chemistry with another or one doesn't. We can't make it happen and we can't figure out what causes it. It just helps to meet and know lots and lots of people, especially if one is of the type that doesn't connect with many people at all.

In short, personal development does help.



Cafeaulait
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,537
Location: Europe

27 Oct 2014, 8:48 am

Omg this is what I am afraid of. I always thought the way you did: if I just expand my interests and create a life I will find someone in time. I don't do it because I am afraid of disappointment. I also feel really insecure in social interactions. Afraid I am asking a boring question or being seen as weird. Oh well, I guess I will always have online dating



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,483
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

28 Oct 2014, 3:00 pm

Why not also put similar effort into overcoming your social deficits?

Over the last couple of years my entire life has changed for the better. Work, hobbies/interests, sports/outdoor activities, physical fitness/health etc as well as significantly improved social skills in large part due to significantly reduced ASD & other symptoms - but also due to consciously working on them.

I'd say I do the things I do about 80% for me because I enjoy them and want to excel at them (kiteboarding, working out, running, cooking/nutrition/health etc, reading/learning and so on) & about 20% because I know that all of the above continue to make me a more attractive potential partner to someone else.. and seeing as I don't see myself staying single forever, that's kind of important to me.

I'm just now at the point where I'm on the cusp of venturing into dating life (vs having a casual sex life only) and so I don't quite know how it's going to go just yet? but I'll find out soon enough! Then if things aren't going so great, I'll adjust & adapt until they are.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


downbutnotout
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 656
Location: MN, US

28 Oct 2014, 3:14 pm

Yes... and no. I've made plenty of positive changes and progress, but it hasn't made anyone want me. It's just given me something to prop myself up with so that I feel less terrible about being unwanted. A life outside of social acceptance.

Most of the people I encounter don't have genuine intentions, if you get my drift. When it comes to socializing either you've got it or you don't, I believe.



Wafflemarine
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 31 Aug 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 182
Location: Minnesota, Eagan

28 Oct 2014, 3:42 pm

I have been wanting to pick up some other hobbies as well, always wanted to learn the drums but that is a bit problematic in an apartment building. I am putting myself though college to be an electrician. I hope it fixes the issue since people like a person with money and a plan in life. I figure I can start expanding my hobbies once I get more disposable cash and time. Also my job would allow relocation to other areas around the country if want to for a job.

Still not easy, still sucks taking all this and having little to no socializing for years.


_________________
Stories are much tidier then real life. Stories have neat, happy endings, but all you ever really get is unfinished business.
Life's so much easier when you got someone to blame.


goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,483
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

28 Oct 2014, 3:55 pm

Wafflemarine wrote:
I have been wanting to pick up some other hobbies as well, always wanted to learn the drums but that is a bit problematic in an apartment building.


How about electric drums or even one of those setups for playstation w/ whatever that band game is called? You can just keep your amp or tv volume low.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.


Stargazer43
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Nov 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,604

28 Oct 2014, 5:09 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
Why not also put similar effort into overcoming your social deficits?


Short answer: because I already have. I've been working on my social skills basically every day of my life. I am now at a point where, although they could definitely use improvement, I am comfortable with them. Also, improving socially is ill-defined: it is hard enough to know what your social problems are, and even harder to know how to fix them. Whereas putting effort into something like learning the piano is easy to define: take lessons, practice 30min-1hr a day, play gradually more advanced pieces, and watch yourself get better over time.



downbutnotout
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 656
Location: MN, US

28 Oct 2014, 6:11 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Why not also put similar effort into overcoming your social deficits?


Short answer: because I already have. I've been working on my social skills basically every day of my life. I am now at a point where, although they could definitely use improvement, I am comfortable with them. Also, improving socially is ill-defined: it is hard enough to know what your social problems are, and even harder to know how to fix them. Whereas putting effort into something like learning the piano is easy to define: take lessons, practice 30min-1hr a day, play gradually more advanced pieces, and watch yourself get better over time.


This is one of the big reasons I'm primarily focused on writing and studying. I have no idea when, if ever, social skills work will pay off and have already poured years into overcoming social anxiety.



goldfish21
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,483
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

29 Oct 2014, 12:53 pm

downbutnotout wrote:
Stargazer43 wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Why not also put similar effort into overcoming your social deficits?


Short answer: because I already have. I've been working on my social skills basically every day of my life. I am now at a point where, although they could definitely use improvement, I am comfortable with them. Also, improving socially is ill-defined: it is hard enough to know what your social problems are, and even harder to know how to fix them. Whereas putting effort into something like learning the piano is easy to define: take lessons, practice 30min-1hr a day, play gradually more advanced pieces, and watch yourself get better over time.


This is one of the big reasons I'm primarily focused on writing and studying. I have no idea when, if ever, social skills work will pay off and have already poured years into overcoming social anxiety.


Fair enough.

I remember having the same difficulties. I didn't overcome them by practicing. The herbal detox/diet/probiotics I've been consuming have changed my entire life. I now feel much more intuitively socially connected than ever and very rarely make obvious blunders anymore. I notice when others make them and raise my eyebrow like "dahfuqh did you just say/do?" & I don't say that to be rude to you guys, I say that because I catch myself doing it and realize that I'm much more.. "socially fluent," than ever & catch these errors made by others that I no longer accidentally do myself.

I have no idea if practicing things would ever have led to the same level of improvement for me. Somehow I doubt it. IMO, getting my brain to function better has made those changes a heck of a lot better than consciously trying to process everything and do things better.


_________________
No :heart: for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.