psh?people get PAID to do this? I'll walk you through it for free! lol
Or maybe I SHOULD start a paid date-coaching service. Maybe if people are paying me enough money they'll actually listen. Only reason I don't is I've had bad experiences lately teaching piano lessons. My fees are high for a reason. People don't do what I say and then wonder why they can't make any progress. I might as well be giving it away for free for all the good it's really going to do.
Dating and romantic relationships, similarly, have ALWAYS been an intense fascination of mine. And, I mean, ALWAYS, like, since 1st grade. My relationships have seldom been happy, but getting involved with some girl somewhere has never been that much of an issue. And I think I turned out ok?been in a relationship for 15 years now. And what I've learned is that finding love or dating success is NOT the highest hurdle to jump. It's maintaining that relationship long-term that's the real trick.
In a nutshell, you will ultimately fail if your goal is simply to avoid a lifetime of being alone (hint: ALL relationships WILL END. I don't enjoy the thought of being separated from my wife, but it is inevitable. Nobody wants to be alone, but it's absurd to think a relationship will fix this. It won't). You will ultimately fail if your goal is to have on-demand sexual gratification. You will fail if your goal is to have someone satisfy your needs. You will fail if your goal is to always have someone to make you happy.
You will succeed if your goal is to make someone smile. You will succeed if your goal is to make someone out there feel good about himself/herself. You will succeed if your goal is to encourage someone, to comfort that person in pain or grief. You will succeed if you take an interest in someone else and are content to just listen to that person talk about whatever. You will succeed if your goal is to celebrate with someone in times of joy.
And if you say, "I don't need a date to do that," you're right. Understanding that will move you closer to dating enlightenment. Ommmmmmmm?
You want to succeed in dating? You need to practice the ancient art of self-denial. Heck, old-fashioned self-denial works in any context of socializing and building relationships. Shut the freak up and start listening to other people.
Jesus taught this as a means of relating to our Heavenly Father and as a bridge to understanding the need for salvation. Because we are all image-bearers of the Divine, it works for human relationships as well?oh yeah, Jesus taught that, too, I'm not making this up, and if you ignore that Jesus and God are the same, you find that Jesus didn't even make this stuff up either?it's ripped from scripture going all the way back to Moses and likely even predates Moses. I'm on a big Dale Carnegie kick lately, and his theory was that human relationships depend on satisfying or appealing to human self-interest. Ayn Rand's idea of ethical egoism depends on this ancient idea (human self-interest is mutually beneficial). Stephen Covey wrote "Seek first to understand, then be understood." You get your way with people when you frame your interests in a context that impacts, hopefully in a positive way, the interests of others.
Whether you're a Christian or not, or whether you like Ayn Rand or not, the plain FACT is if you don't value other people and their interests and demonstrate to them you value them and their interests, you can't work with others, make friends, or get dates. It transcends millennia of cultures, societies, faiths. And it's a component of human nature that doesn't appear to be looking to change.
I can teach you all the tricks that worked for me. You can get on some PUA website, buy some books, join a lair, or whatever. You can pay a coach big bucks to teach you this. But if you miss the wisdom behind the Golden Rule, you are forever lost. Deny yourself, give others what they want, and you cannot fail, and that even includes romantic relationships.
29 Oct 2014, 8:40 pm
