Women possibly ARE interested, but you can't see it?

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31 Oct 2014, 12:45 am

I remember one time at a mall that I was walking out the door to go to my car with my mom since we were shopping for a gift for my dad. Apparently a girl said hi to me as I passed her and I didn't hear nor see her at all. My mom then asked me "didn't you hear that girl say hello to you?" And I was dumbfounded because I didn't know what she was talking about.

There have been a few girls that seemed to like me, but they weren't worth pursuing. One liked to cheat on her boyfriends, the other liked to do everyone and turned to drugs and stripping, the other was hardcore into drugs. I don't attract good people for some reason.

One I regret to this day from back in middle school, I couldn't miss any signals from here and she was such a nice girl, but I was scared. She got sick and I lost contact, then ran into her in college and again I was a wuss, but rarely saw her. Now she has a family of her own.

The last was a girl that I tried to push through my shyness with and attempted to flirt. Took me a month, finally she got fed up and came out of the store after me and asked me when I was taking her for a ride in my car (I build clean muscle cars as an overly obcessive hobby to compensate for my loneliness)

Part of my problem is probably due to not going to more than 3 places due to work and running my business. But I notice that girls won't look at me, unless I am in the way. No smiles, nothing. I may be missing signals again, maybe they are there and I just don't look anymore

I have no female friends to consult, haven't for 8 years now. I don't do Facebook or anything like that, no women go out of their way to talk. I think some of us miss signals because we are so used to nothing , that we become desensitized and walk around like "zombies"

I do talk with one girl a bit, she is always smiling and very nice. Super smart and artistic, always home (seems like a hermit like me) but she is the exact same way with my brother. She has even snuck cookies into my work truck, but for both my bro and I. So I see no distinction other than she talks with me a bit more, but my bro doesn't talk much so who knows. Maybe she is interested, but I assume friendly. Plus she is a good customers daughter, so it can't happen.

naturalplastic
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31 Oct 2014, 12:58 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

Just putting this out there as a topic of discussion; I have no idea if there is anything in this but I've noticed a sort of a trend recently and thought it was worth mentioning.

So in the last week or so there have been 3 threads in this sub-forum started by females, about AS males they are keen on but are having difficulty figuring out how to get something happening, or who they feel they are scaring off, or they can't tell if they are interested, etc.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt269128.html
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt269198.html
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt269475.html

Also recently I have had a couple of male friends complain that no females are interested in them. I try to disagree as I am 99% sure this is not the case, instead I feel that they are not seeing it when females are interested. AS males on this site admit that picking up on subtle signals etc. is a challenge and that females may need to be more forward and direct in their approach.

So when I read the multitudes of thread in this sub-forum by AS males wondering why they are not having luck finding someone who wants to date them, I wonder...how many are actually behaving as the three males in the above threads? How many have females interested in them but they just aren't seeing it? Or are being frightened away? Or something similar?

I understand that there are those who are going to a lot of effort to approach women and are not having positive responses, but could there still possibly be women they are just not seeing, who are interested?

I don't know the answers, I'm just thinking aloud. Any thoughts about this?

Bingo!

That IS a big factor. I can testify to that (being a male aspie old enough to have hindsight about it). How should I put it? There were a number of ladies I met in college who were quite willing to cure me of my virginity. But I didnt realize it until days or years later when it was too late. So I think that you're right- I lot of these guys are getting more admiration from the ladies than they realize because they cant read the signals.

sly279
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31 Oct 2014, 1:19 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

sly279 wrote:

YippySkippy wrote:

My husband has poor self-esteem in regard to his appearance, and I was only the second girl he ever dated. I think he honestly thought I was just being friendly and polite to him.

sounds reasonable, better to think everthing is bad then think everything is good. less let downs. most people are just polite and friendly to others cause its expected.

I have to disagree there, on it being reasonable. Less short-term letdown perhaps, but eventually (if an interested female doesn't persist despite your efforts to ignore her) it becomes an attitude of "nobody likes me" which is what I'd like to see disappear. And you are letting down the females who are trying to win your affection, by dismissing them as just being friendly.

I'm thinking back on a not-so-distant circumstance where I fell head-over-heals for a guy (I don't know if he is aspie, but he's classically nerdy/geeky), but eventually I gave up because it seemed he wasn't interested in me even though I thought we were getting along great. I'm wondering now if he dismissed my behaviour as just friendly, even though I was trying to ask him on dates etc. Sure, I wasn't super forward, but I was much more forward than he was.

I didn't say ignore. that would be rude and hurtful. I just don't go assuming that they are attracted and interested in me. few times I have all turned out to not be. seems better then making some friendly woman feel harassed or creeped out by me

I'd like nothing more then to have a woman interested in me. but statisiticly this hasn't happen 99% of the time. so I would rather assume they aren't then think they are, get excited and find out after I brave up enough to find out that they aren't. like what happen with my coworker few months ago. sure she finds me creepy now.

with the guy what did you do to show interest?
what did he do?
If a woman asked me out to do some activity i'd most likely go. I don't know if i'd think it was a date, though I've never been asked out to an activity by women.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp6321356.html#6321356
thread about a woman.

apparently another girl that works there was also asking about me. o.O

yellowtamarin
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31 Oct 2014, 1:36 am

sly279 wrote:

I didn't say ignore. that would be rude and hurtful. I just don't go assuming that they are attracted and interested in me.

Sorry I didn't mean to say "ignoring her", what I meant was "ignoring her efforts", as in, shrugging them off. Resulting in her missing out on dating you

sly279 wrote:

with the guy what did you do to show interest?
what did he do?

Hmm let's see. I asked to catch up with him and he agreed but then on the day he was sick an cancelled, then didn't suggest a raincheck. I invited him to something else at a future date and he said it sounded great but then spoke no more about it (and it really was his turn to speak about it, any more comments from me at that point would have sounded pushy). I asked if his female friend was his girlfriend. I told him essentially that I really enjoyed spending time with him and preferred his company over other people's. He seemed happy to hear that but never said anything similar to me (any compliments of any kind). Then finally he just kinda stopped communicating with me. In summary: he did almost nothing. I eventually took that as disinterest (which it seemed like the whole time but I was being optimistic).

The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Oct 2014, 1:48 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

^ But this thread is about people not realising someone is interested in them. This is not a thread about "how to tell if someone is interested". I'm suggesting that people who claim nobody is interested may be incorrect, because they are simply not picking up on it. First you say that's impossible, now you say it's not. Make up your mind (or admit you don't know).

Why is that too hard to believe?

Look Yellow, you are a beautiful young woman and lively too, so I can see why your brain can't compute how some people may never get interest from others, it's something you can't relate to, but they exist and those are often the people who die virgin or with little love experience.

As I have said earlier in other thread, when it comes to attraction, people aren't that individualistic, for example there are basic things that the majority of girls like and dislike in a guy.

Look Boo, if you read what I have written so far in this thread you will see I have evidence to back up my claim. People I know in the real world, they are telling me that no-one or almost no-one is interested in them. These are people who could potentially have written any of the posts in this sub-forum where they say they just can't get any action. It's the same language. What I read on here, I hear from these friends of mine. And these friends of mine are far from undateable. The main thing preventing their success is their attitude, after that it's their approach.

I'm well aware that my own current experience is quite different to the current experiences of the people who are "losing hope they will ever find someone". I am fairly good at reading signals (from males; I tend to find females much harder to read), after having struggled in the past with it and being a slow starter in the dating world compared to my peers. If this type of standpoint and experience means I'm less qualified to give insight, support, advice, etc. to people who are still struggling, then it seems you are saying it's better to "let the blind lead the blind". I strongly disagree with that notion. Wouldn't you rather get tips and ideas from someone like Geekonychus who has been successful, perhaps due to finding a different way of seeing things, or trying different things, than from people who feel the same way as you do and so will simply reinforce your negative ideas and never help you move forward? I know which one I would prefer.

Now I'm also aware that I didn't give any advice in this thread. It was an insight thread. A "food for thought" type thread. And you are welcome to disagree and say that you think that people who claim nobody is interested are definitely correct, because if anyone was interested they would definitely know about it. That's your viewpoint based on your experience. But when I give evidence to the contrary (and others in this thread also have), isn't that worth considering, rather than automatically dismissing because it came from someone who does date?

I mean aren't we here to try to help people NOT "die virgin or have little love experience"?

Look Yellow, this is all a useless psychoanalysis speech :p.

Their attitude is often a consequence not the reason; and often people vent on forums or to closest friends, so it's like they are wearing a "no one likes me" badge on their chests.

How do you know these guys have female admirers? You didn't even mention that you are aware of some, you were just like "they are far from undateable"; how did you conclude that? Would you date them yourselves? Did you ever hear any other females that they would date them?

yellowtamarin
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31 Oct 2014, 1:59 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

How do you know these guys have female admirers? You didn't even mention that you are aware of some, you were just like "they are far from undateable"; how did you conclude that? Would you date them yourselves? Did you ever hear any other females that they would date them?

I said that earlier on. I would have dated them (but the circumstances were not suitable). They are both nice looking guys and good people. One has dated in the past (but thinks he has no chance now as he is getting older).

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31 Oct 2014, 2:40 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Things are easier said than done (including saying "I would have dated them"

), it's very possible that you would have rejected them for whatever reason if they've asked out - you haven't actually dated them so....this is an irrelevant evidence.

For example some female WP users tell me all the time here "I would date you..." - I don't take any of this as evidence that I am desired or dateable :lol:

, they don't even know me well.

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31 Oct 2014, 2:44 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Totally agree.

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31 Oct 2014, 2:51 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Things are easier said than done (including saying "I would have dated them"

, they don't even know me well.

I've told them I would have dated them. One of them we went out one-on-one but I had to remind myself it was not a date because of the circumstances. The other, he got all confused about the logistics of it (thinking he'd never see me again) and basically turned me down after I told him he should ask me out. It was an appropriate way for me to put it within the banter-like context of the conversation, but he told me later he didn't think I meant it because I was leaving. But I did mean it.

I don't think I can be any clearer on YES I WOULD HAVE DATED THEM.

The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Oct 2014, 3:17 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Things are easier said than done (including saying "I would have dated them"

, they don't even know me well.

You're a serial poly-dater so not a tpyical case at all....

But still, you were probably a "once in a hundred years" case, it happens - this is no evidence that they are not undersirable on the dating market.

yellowtamarin
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31 Oct 2014, 3:23 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

I'm a what? I date one person at a time. And only people I am interested in. How many people must want to date someone before they are no longer undateable? Why is my opinion so invalid?

The argument "it doesn't matter that you liked me cos it was only YOU, you don't count" is really insulting.

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31 Oct 2014, 3:26 am

And note that the girl who fails to show any kind of interest sign consciously or even subconsciously for a specific guy = she doesn't like him stronly enough.

You know, that girl who just checks his FB profile or just glances him from afar with zero intereaction whatsoever....this would be just a case of mild very-short lived temporary crush - even below the crush level, and it fades fast for the next guy.

The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Oct 2014, 3:29 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

I'm a what? I date one person at a time. And only people I am interested in. How many people must want to date someone before they are no longer undateable? Why is my opinion so invalid?

I recall you have said earlier that you are polyamorous, wasn't you?

It's not something that I am against even if I am not one.

Quote:

The argument "it doesn't matter that you liked me cos it was only YOU, you don't count" is really insulting.

Nope, you count as 1.

yellowtamarin
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31 Oct 2014, 3:34 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

I recall you have said earlier that you are polyamorous, wasn't you?

It's not something that I am against even if I am not one.

Nope, wasn't me.

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31 Oct 2014, 3:38 am

CrinklyCrustacean
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31 Oct 2014, 6:43 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

xmh wrote:

As part of my internal safety mechanism I would assume that they don't like me, avoiding embarrassment but missing out on (potential) pleasure.

I think this is very very very very common. I did it myself in the past.

If a guy asks me out, and I'm not romantically interested in him, it's still flattering and really not a big deal...but it is often a big deal for the person doing the asking. How do we combat this attitude?

I don't think there's much you can do. In my case, asking someone out comes at the end of a long process of agonising over whether I fancy them or not, and also is the point at which either they agree to go out with me (which has yet to happen) or they reject me and things become awkward between us. The last time this happened it was with a flatmate, and they took the awkwardness to a whole new level. They said it wouldn't change anything between us and then the following day they refused to talk to me at all for over a month and actively excluded me from things they did with the other flatmates as a group, which by extension meant that I didn't have as much time socialising with my other flatmates whom I still got on well with, which made it harder for our flat to work. There were then two groups: me, and everybody else. Finally, this person apologised for not talking to me and when I forgave them they said they probably still wouldn't talk to me again (which they didn't - obviously the apology was simply to make themselves feel better with no intention to repair the broken friendship). Unfortunately, sometimes there's more at stake than a bruised ego. So yes, it IS a big deal, and for good reason.

Back to the original question, in addition to the "saw signals but couldn't interpret them/misinterpreted as friendly" scenario I'll add another: there may be people throwing themselves at you AND you can see they're interested, but you don't fancy them in return. Meanwhile, the people you DO fancy aren't interested in you.

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