High Expectations/Standards for Friendship

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I have impossible standards for friendship. I'm not sure if I do this because I would rather not have any friends, therefore I make it impossible, or if I am just extremely picky with friends.
I had a casual friend in 9th grade with whom I hung out with after school once or twice. Then one day she announced she was going to smoke marijuana with some acquaintances of hers after school because she wanted to try it to know what it was like. She claimed she was only going to smoke once. I urged her not to and warned her that I would end ties with her if she smoked, yet she still did. After this I did not speak to her again. To my knowledge, she kept her promise and has not smoked again, however, I refuse to speak with her.
Similar situations have occurred more than once. I do not like being acquainted with individuals who do things that are "incorrect" in my standards and usually end communication with them after they participate in such activities.
I was wondering if anyone else does this.

The only expectation of friendship I have is loyalty. Since I'm a difficult person to get on with I expect to have heated arguments with people, strong disagreements and periods where I don't talk to people. I don't expect any of the friends to follow anything I say to them and don't hold it against them if they don't follow my advice. The only thing I don't tolerate in friends is disloyalty.

I guess I do, and I'm not sorry about it. IMO life is too short to waste on people I find more annoying than positive, or even find annoying too often. There are too many people like that already that one has to be around some places, and I would never waste a single second of my spare time on them.

If I seriously told someone that I would cut them off if they did something, and they did it, I would never talk to them again. They made their choice, they showed me their disrespect, goodbye.

IMO the vast majority of people, aren't worth being around. I don't like people. I'm not a people person and I certainly don't wanna waste my time on the likes I spend more time being annoyed by. The only people I have ever truly liked (not including family of course), are all people I have met on AS forums.

I voted yes, but after thinking about it a little more I wish I voted no.


I don't think what I expect is "high standards".. I expect honesty and loyalty, and that promises are kept.. if that's (too) "high standards" then I don't want to have friends.

Me, too.

We probably share an admiration of Dante's take on disloyalty.

You can't hold people to the same standards you hold yourself because everyone has different priorities. The only really important traits to demand from your friends are friendliness and trustworthiness. Every friend I have ever had has let me down at least once, but they more than make up for it in other ways. Regarding your example: you went too far in trying to control your (former) friend. She didn't do anything that was harmful to anyone and certainly didn't affect you in any way. She confided in you, and you responded by punishing her. More than that, you punished yourself by pushing away someone who was nice to you and placed at least a little bit of trust in you.

Bottom line: pickiness can be important for safety and mental health by avoiding some of the more terrible people out there, but pickiness to the point of pettiness only hurts you in the long run. You can't rely on your family to take care of you forever, and building a network of people you can trust is important for your survival.

I'd agree, but at that time the OP was only 9th grade/early high school. I'd assume if their friend tried marijuana 'because her friends were doing it and she wanted to try it too' is an early sign of a future peer-pressurer.

Us aspies don't need that one friend that peer pressures us to do risky or illegaly activities or behaviours, or their friends do.

In later high school and adulthood you can better recognize loyal and friendly people who are kind to you and respect you.

But in early high school and earlier some students might get sucked into only following their friends. I've seen it happen myself. A friend of mine met some new friends and completely changed into a much different person, all in the name of conformity.

I think the OP's friend might have been one of these future people, but I do agree the OP was a bit too impatient with their friend and unfair on her.

The truly important qualities are loyalty, respect, kindness, courtesy, co-operation, etc.

If you find it difficult to recongize these traits, build a protective wall and don't let the peer pressure get to you...

Nah, my expectations are usually just very high when it comes to loyalty & honesty. If I find out someone lied to me about something even If it's a small lie I don't feel like I can trust anything they say from that point on and things aren't the same anymore.

I'm kind of really different with drugs. I got pulled into hitting alot of bowls a year and a half ago and snorting coke a few times, but I kind of got sick of those things and haven't touched them since. Except smoking cigarettes, I think I developed a bit of an addiction over time. I can usually go three weeks without one but even then my roommate will randomly offer me one and I'll be like "s**t..ok".

I don't have criteria for friends that I can actually put my finger on because I automatically become friends with people who are like me. A part from the fact I get every detail about them so we can spend as much time together as possible. But after, I don't know why, it looks like I do every thing to lose my friends. And then I get really sad. Something's just wrong with me and friends.

I agree with the other posters, if you don't want to smoke marijuana, don't do it. However, don't police your friends to point where you toss them for doing something you wouldn't, particularly something that doesn't hurt anyone. High school is a time when many people (even Aspies) can feel pressured to conform or do what others are doing. Dropping someone simply because they fall to peer pressure once or twice doesn't really help anyone.

Instead this could have been an opportunity to discuss what marijuana can do to developing brains if used heavily, and suggest that your friend hold off until around 22, which is when the brain ends its adolescent growth period, which also eliminates all legal consequences depending on where you are. Also, as a casual friend, you can't give her an ultimatum like that and expect her to follow it, it sets both of you up for failure.

On the flip side, one less casual friend is one less person you have to cater to, although it could have been ended a better way.

Moving on, my friendship standards boil down to a pros and cons list, with the biggest factor being 'Interesting'. If you do not bore me, I will basically love you forever, to put it simply.

No not really, I don't mind anyone being my friend as long as they're trustworthy and nice and doesn't fake.

I'll be friends/friendly acquaintances with anyone who's decent to me and not friends with bullies, but I have higher standards for really close friends, and I've never really had a best friend (though that's probably more about me than them).